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Husband is depressed and had ended our marriage

RachelW
Community Member

Hi all
my husband of almost 11 years has been suffering with depression and anxiety for the last year.

I wasn’t fully aware of how bad it had got and now he has hit rock bottom.
Back story - we recently signed up to build our 1st family home.
literally from the moment we signed we have had nothing but issues , and increases in the price. I think that this has been the main trigger for my husbands depression , with the pressure he is under to support his family as well as come up with almost $30k extra for this house before it’s complete .

I don’t work , I wanted to work but with 3 of our kids being under school age , it would mean having to pay 3 day care fees and with him being fifo and earning too much we don’t get much CCS from Centrelink so he said it was pointless, I now no that I need to be working to help him by taking some of this financial burden from him. I feel terrible that it has got this bad.
This all came out last week when he told me he know longer loved me and didn’t want to be with me anymore.

I am absolutely devastated.
he has also said that he has no love for himself and also our kids which killed him to admit and he hates himself even more for this . I have told him it’s not him, it’s the depression.
I have told him that I am going to support him and I am going to get him better . I have told him that I will not give up on him or us.
He wants me to help him and he has told me that he wants to love me but he feels dead inside , feels worthless and he just can’t see a way back from his depression.

I am struggling everyday with my feelings, terrified that even if he is able to get out of this dark place , there will still be no love for me there and I will have to go through this heart ache again. I tell him every day I love him and he says he likes to know that I haven’t given up on him. He can’t say it back though as he doesn’t want to lie to me 😞
He feels he may have BPD , so I have said I will get him an app with his GP. He is on medication, which has just been increased .
I just want him to get better and back to how he was last year before this house ruined his head .
I have contacted Centrelink and filed as a single parent which is killing me to say, now I need to find a job so I can help with paying this money that is weighing him down , in hope that he may start to feel the pressure on him lift . I know it’s going to be a long journey .

Any advise welcome x

Rachel x

15 Replies 15

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Rachel, on the contract it might say that if you can't obtain finance then the contract to build the house doesn't go ahead if this is the situation, then ask the bank/finance company for a letter saying that finance can not be approved.

My wife and I did this because my parents advised us that buying this property would not be a good idea, then the contract was torn up and didn't proceed.

Unfortunately my parents ill advised us a few times so we didn't tell them until the contract was signed.

Rachel if this is part of your husband's concern the bank/finance company will write a letter for you so it won't go ahead, then you can decide what else you can do.

Geoff.

RachelW
Community Member

Hi Geoff

the build has already started . We signed the contract back in December 2020 and Finance was approved at the start of the year. The slab is already down. They didn’t tell us of these price increases until after the had finance approval, which was not good as we could have asked for more finance at the time.
Then we got a 2nd price increase about 3 weeks ago which I have not told him about as I don’t want to add to his worries . I just signed the variation and hope he doesn’t notice the extra $5k added on.

the land has already been paid for out of the finance and the slab has been paid for . We just have a 6 month wait for bricks now . Hopefully time is on our side to give us time to get the money together .
Rachel

RachelW
Community Member
Hi

It’s been a few weeks and nothing has changed but he has started to feel better in himself as his meds may be working for him now and he has been talking to a psychologist.

He works away so for 2 weeks we have no contact other then texting occasionally.

He has told me that he doesn’t want to give up on us but he is emotionally numb - emotional blunting I read it’s called !

He mentioned me researching ways to help him feel less disconnected to our children and I but I am not really sure on what to suggest.

The medication he is on is an SSRI is know to contribute to Emotional Blunting .
Is there anyone with advise on how he can help himself start to feel emotionally connected again.

He started the gym and is enjoying that and he said he is starting to feel happy again and his anxiety is getting better , I am happy for him that he is feeling this way.

I am hoping that in time when he is truely happy he will start to feel other things but I don’t no how long this could take and time might not wait for us to survive this .
I would appreciate any feed back and advise .

815
Community Member

Hi RachelW,

I'm sorry to hear the situation you are in. I hope that the responses on here have given you some support and some ways to get through your days.

It is hard. And even having been in a similar situation to you for 18 months, I still don't know what I can say to you to make it easier. But here are some things I have learned...

You can't fix him. No matter how hard you love him. Firstly he will need to want to do that. And even once the action is taken to seek help and start improving, it still takes time. You just need to be patient while he does.

Don't doubt yourself. As hard as it is, try not to take things personally. If what you are doing is what you believe is right because you love and care for him, then do it. It may not be perceived that way. I was told that he may not react to my actions right away, but he would have heard what I said, and remember what I did.

Find support. Medical, professional, personal. You'll need it. As much as he needs love and support, if you are going to get through this, and you are going to fight to support him, you need it just as much. As much as this is his struggle, it still affects you. And it is tiring. So find people to help you, so you can stay strong for the journey.

A friend of mine told me that, he is just on the other side of a big solid wall. But that wall will come down over time. And you need to be on the other side when it does. I too, was worried that after the walls came down, that he'd still feel that he didn't love me. Or still continue to believe that I didn't love him. But I had to trust that, those decades of love, would be what would keep us together once the walls did come down.

There is a YouTube video, called Living with a black dog. It is specifically for partners and carers:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VRRx7Mtep8

And the last words in the video say...'always hold onto hope'

My husband tells me that I am naive sometimes, and that I sound like I live in a fairy tale. I know for sure this isn't a fairy tale. But I have to believe that hope is the one thing that got me through each day, and continues to get me through.

RachelW
Community Member

Hi everyone

so my husband is still battling with his depression and anxiety and we are still no better off .
he has been seeing a psychologist who recommended he see a psychiatrist as she feels he may have ADHD so I managed to get him an appointment for an assessment next month.
i have my fingers crossed that he may be able to get some answers and also be put on the right medication to help him.

I’m wondering if anyone else had been diagnosed with depression but it was in fact ADHD and if so could you tell me how things changed for you when you got on meds for ADHD .
thanks 😊

New_mum_of_1
Community Member

Hi Rachel,

I had to reach out to you because after reading your post it sounds all too similar to my current situation.

My partner of 3 years and I had our first baby 4 weeks ago and 1 week after being home he broke down in tears and told me he is depressed and has been unhappy for a long time. He told me he doesnt feel in love with me anymore. Said he feels nothing for anyone or anything. He said that having a new baby should be the happiest time of his life but he is miserable.

Im so heartbroken having heard all of this. Especially being a new mum and going through the postnatal stage myself.

He has his own business and is in the process of starting another one. Throw in a new baby and he is showing all of the signs of depression and postnatal depression.

Financial stress is his biggest trigger which he has been going through a bit lately.

He says he wants to get help but is yet to go see the GP for a referral.

He has completely shut me out and distanced himself. We are living like housemates with him either at the gym, work or getting his new business ready. He hardly talks to me and is sleeping in the spare bedroom. He won't let me do anything for him (cook, wash his clothes, help with the new business etc) and its driving me crazy.

I feel like a single mum. Im with our baby all day and I get up to her at night. He will bath her occasionally and spend maybe half an hour with her a day. I can tell he isn't bonding with her at all which can be the postnatal depression. And being a breastfed newborn she relies on me constantly.

He told me he wants to be alone to sort himself out so I am giving him the space he wants and im not "forcing" our baby on him.

I hate living like this. I hate being seperate and hardly talking. He is a completely different person and I miss his old self so damn much. Im grieving the fact that we don't spend any time together like families do with a new baby. This is not what I thought life with a newborn would be for us 😔

Sorry I dont have any answers for you. All I can day is that I'm in a similar situation and its so heartbreaking. Especially being told they no longer love you. I really hope its the depression talking. Im doing my best to be supportive but its bloody hard.

Take care x