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How do you determine if behaviour caused by depression

Community Member

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 years. A year and a half ago a relative of his became ill and he moved to the UK to care for him.

During this time he has developed depression and anxiety. He has returned to Australia to see a doctor but doesn’t want to take the medication that they have prescribed.

I have been very unhappy since he left as I never agreed or wanted to have a log distance relationship and he has never asked how I felt about it or considered my feelings or our life together. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way because he has a lot to deal with.

He has been home for 3 days and is struggling. He doesn’t tell me how he is feeling and uses drinking to cope. I’ve spent the whole time he’s been here trying to support him and helping him get settled. Since His return was quite last minute, I had tickets to go out last night with some friends. I asked him if he would like me to stay home with him instead and he repeatedly told me no, until I was about to go and he messaged me saying that he couldn’t believe that I would go out when I knew he was struggling (with a few swear words and names included). Since I wanted to support him I left and spent the night with him.

Since then he has been distant and told me that all I do is belittle him (I think because I have encouraged him to take his medication), that he is happier in England and that all I do is make everything about me.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t really have a relationship with him anymore, I’ve been really unhappy in this relationship with him living overseas and since he has come back things are even worse. I don’t know if I can deal with it, I am so unhappy. I feel as if I haven’t received anything from this relationship in almost 2 years. Is this because of his depression? Will things ever get better? Am I being unreasonable?

Or is staying in this relationship a lost cause? It’s just really hard because this is a complicated situation. He tells me that when he is distant or explodes it is because of his depression, yet he doesn’t apologise or try to be in this relationship with me. Is this true? How do you tell what is him and what is his mental illness?

Sorry for the rant.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Laneypen, welcome

You didnt rant. You did well.

If it is his mental illness he wont take his medication anyway. You are, it seems, in a no win situation.

Having a mental illness doesnt mean it stops one from being selfish, respectful, loving etc. He could be immature or have expectations or maybe self ventred. But he should be happy for you to spend time with friends.

I have great reservations about your relationship. Do you think he'll change?


Topic: does stubborness have a place?- beyondblue

Topic: is there room for stubborness?- beyondblue

Topic: who cares for the carer?- beyondblue

I hope they help.

Tony WK

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hi Laney welcome 🙂

Sounds like you're very supportive & caring.
I think but your call of course, If you're unhappy & he's not wanting to work towards improvement on his situation I know depression well it's very hard. Not being responsive to help would be hard & bringing you down more as you said

If he opted for meds, you'd be happier?

Has he said why he won't go the meds? I didn't for yrs either outta stubborn, nah I can get this, which I am slowly but did give in eventually. I too a couple of times went off at different ones I love/cared about, felt like a heel, hate hurting people so that was my deciding factor.

A lot don't realise that alcohol is a depressant though I understand why people drink to cover pain & the goods but that'd be adding to his pain & stress which is landing on you

Sorry for your sadness Laney

All best