How do I help?

[Netti]

Thank you for the warm welcome. This is my first post. My wonderful husband of 34yrs has struggled with depression for a long time. He hasn’t had much luck with medical support and I am concerned that his medication hasn’t been reviewed for a while. So he tries to soldier on without much support, but that’s not ideal. I try to keep the calm, handle life gently, and pick up the pieces when they break off the rollercoaster. Not sure what I should or should not be doing. He doesn’t accept help easily - that’s probably my biggest hurdle. Again, thank you for the welcome, and the forum.

[Croix]

Dear Netti~

I've looked at this from the same vantage point as your husband, and like him thought I should soldier on alone. I was wrong of course and left getting medical support for far too lone, which simply made everything harder.

My partner supported me, looked after hte offspring, looked after hte house ,and went ot work. A horribly difficult time, particularly as I was not that easy to help. I guess there are three things out of it I think were the most important

The first was the knowledge I was cared for and my partner wold be there. Even though her presence was hard for me to accept at times it made a huge difference. Unfortunately I was not consistent and some days was OK wiht her actions, such as asking how I was going, and other days was angry, resentful and pulled away. Very hard for her.

The second ting is making every effort to get that proper treatment, if the meds have not been revised for a while then hey probably need to be. I'm not suggesting you and or harp on it, just do what you can. If there is anyone else that might persuade him, colleague, parent, friend, then seek their help.

Even though a mess I cared for my partner and when I knew my actions made things harder for her it did hit home.

[Croix]

Sorry, hit the wrong key, will keep going.

The third thing is it is incredibly important that you are supported, my partner had her mum, do you have anyone? The amount of pressure on you is very great, and keeps on going. You not only need someone to share the load with, but time out for yourself. You can be too close for too lone, and should try to pace yourself.

My partner had the feeling part of my state was because of her actions, a totally wrong idea of course. There is no right answer on what to do, it is instinct and experience I guess. I do know it is OK to make mistakes or get things wrong. The fact you love is the important thing.

You will be welcome to talk things over here at any time

Croix

[Netti]

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for replying, and your comments. I have read, and re-read your response. Finding someone to talk to is hard, I don’t want to burden friends, and most people really don’t understand the chronic nature of depression, or the rollercoaster. Will try to off-load when things get too hard though. Funny how I know what I should be doing, just needed a prod. Will also try to address medical help, or lack there-of, with my husband this week. He is just coming off a dark patch so will leave it for a few days - breaks my heart to see him so down. Knowing who to have him referred to has been the problem.

Comforting to know that through your own struggles you were still aware of your partner’s love and support. I hope you are doing well, and again, thank you.

Netti

[LeeA18]

Hi Netti

What an amazing and tough woman you must be.

Have you spoken to a psych yourself? This can be a huge help. I have only just seeing one to help me and she has been a fantastic support. So has this forum. The most important thing is self-care. It is so easy to get wrapped up into wanting to help and be there for your partner, but it is just important to make sure you are ok.

[Netti]

Hi, and thank you. Not so tough or amazing, but realizing thanks to another comment also, and forum reads, that I should get a pair of good ears to talk to. Today is a good day, thank you

[Croix]

Dear Netti~

I agree knowing who to get a referral to can be a real problem. Have you considered a support group? Often you can benefit from hearing how others have fared. If you were to ring our 24/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 they may be able to let you know what is available in your area.

Such a group might help you too with having understanding people to talk with.

Yes I'm doing well, thanks for thinking of me. I had a big concern at the time of how I was treating my partner, it was a real worry even when I wanted to be alone. For me my love did continue throughout my worst periods, I was simply unaware of it.

Croix

[Netti]

Hi, and thank you, again.

Small steps at the moment. My husband is sleeping all odd hours, usually a sign that he is struggling, but we have had laughs today.

He saw his GP this week but came home without a referral. He is not keen to seek additional medical help unless someone can be highly recommended. So I will contact the help line next week, as you suggested, and hopefully get some info for him, or us.

Appreciated your comments, thank you.