Girlfriend with depression and I broke up

[SamSlate]

We are long distance and broke up during finals, the day after her major stat exam at 2am. Around this time, she was extremely stressed, busy, tired and depressed. For almost a month she'd been feeling "numb" and like everything was "numbed out". She'd apologise a lot for being irritable and unpleasant. Before this, she said she couldn't feel love for me because she couldn't feel anything and felt sad because of it (I guess she could feel emotions sometimes). She has a history of depression, as do I. We were both bedridden for 3 months because of depression and have both taken SSRIs.

Since the breakup she has been acting somewhat erratic and strange, but is even more distant than she was while we were together. I want to be there for her as a friend but every time we talk she just gets angrier. She hasn't blocked me on Facebook Messenger but made a new twitter account, blocked me after a few days despite not interacting at all, and then made several "joke" depressive tweets (hating herself, having low motivation/joy, changing her mind a lot(?), being unhappy). She jokes about her problems as a coping mechanism, aside from that she just doesn't talk about them. I tried telling her to get help for her depression but she refused.

It has been just over 3 weeks and we talked maybe 5 times, 4 of those times I initiated the conversation. Last we talked, she unblocked me on twitter despite being mad and deleted all her sad tweets (will likely use her private account now).

When we were together, she said her state of mind changes every few months and she was in a very good state of mind when I met her. She said she used to be "genuinely crazy" because she was very depressed and acting dumb because of it. Before the breakup she also said she'd been in a weird/bad mood for a while and didn't have much to say. When I was very depressed and anxious, she was supportive of me, and I want to be there for her but she won't let me. We bickered a lot over pointless things (my fault, anxiety) leading up to the breakup.

I don't think I want her back but I want to reconcile things. I just don't know what to do, I'm worried about her. I don't want to talk for at least a month at the moment because she treats me poorly, but I want to be there for her. I'm really confused because this whole scenario is so strange.

[PamelaR]

Hello SamSlates

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. Breaking up is very difficult, especially if you still like the person. Though, keeping on in a relationship where the other treats you poorly is not good for you at all and I'm pleased to hear that you realise this.

So there are a lot of things happening for you recently. Finishing your finals, breaking up. Are you currently looking for work or do you already have work or continuing your education? It must be hard for you with your depression. Hope you are looking after yourself by talking with someone about what you're going through. For example, are you talking to a family member, close friend you trust, your doctor or a therapist? Talking does help significantly to straighten things out that go around and around in your head.

About your gf. It sounds to me like she's had a big year. Do you know if something happened to her to make her more anxious than usual? If you can, I'd encourage her to go to see her doctor to explain how she is (if she thinks there is anything wrong in her behaviour) and have her medication reviewed and perhaps further assessments and therapy.

You are not alone - do a google search for the Headspace website and if you want to talk with someone contact eHeadspace 1800 650 890. Other support services that are available include:

Beyond Blue support service 1300 224 636

Lifeline 13 11 14.

Also, the Beyond Blue home page contains a lot of information about different types of depression. Do a google search for - Beyond Blue depression.

Look forward to hearing how to go.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[SamSlate]

I've spoken to family and a few friends but it doesn't help much. I'm torn up over it obviously. I'm not in any danger but also finals aren't over for me because we're long distance and the exam timetables are different.

I don't know if anything happened to her, but like I said, she had exams and was failing a lot of her classes. She had a breakdown because of one of her stat exams, she also has family problems.

I know she's not treating me well but that's because of her mental illness; she's said she becomes mean when she's depressed or at least she has in the past. Either way, I am having trouble forgetting about her or letting go of her or whatever. I want her back, even if she is a wreck, I just want her to stop hating me.

[Croix]

Dear SamSlate~

When I've been under a lot of pressure and experiencing depression I've been erratic, numb and lots of other unproductive things. I was also unable to realize what I felt about anyone. You probably may have felt similar yourself. I don't think I went so far as to lash out and say I hated anyone.

As PamelaR has said you both have an awful lot of stress at the moment, not only the breakup, but academic matters too. Your relationship has not survived this, and I'd suggest that getting the exams out of the way before dong anything would be a good idea. It is important you do your best in them and trying to repair the relationship at the same time is probably just something you don't need right now.

Latching on to any particular behavior of hers is really not that productive, as you have found it can change anyway.

Once the finals are done for both of you then might be a good time to see how your ex is going. From what you say she may be unhappy with the marks for her papers and may feel in a similar state to now. Getting her to seek medical help would be the most productive thing anyone, yourself included, could do for her.

Apart from yourself is there anyone she might take heed of who could persuade her?

If after that she seemed receptive you might try to restore at least a friendship.

As you suffer from depression and anxiety may I ask what support you have, both medical and personal? Is there anyone in your family or a friend you can discuss things with and receive care and understanding? It does make a huge difference not to face things alone.

I'll wish you good luck with the exams and hope to hear from you again

Croix

[SamSlate]

I can talk to councillors and my parents but they really can't help much and I've tried different pills and gone to headspace and had therapy etc, but none of that has worked. I've been to student services twice, my GP twice and the councillor twice.

Basically nothing can really help me. She won't get help either, she'll just say she's fine or something like that. She had too much pride/nervousness to tell the school while she was taking her exams.

[Croix]

Dear SamSlate~

Thank you for coming back and explaining more. Long term depression and anxiety is a horrible thing, I have the same together wiht PTSD.

One thing that really concerns me is your saying that nothing can realy help you. Perhaps I misunderstand. In relation to your ex-gf I'd have to say that seems reasonable. If she wants distance and does not want treatment your options are limited.

In relation to you however I seriously doubt that is the case. My reason for saying this is my own experience. I've gone form a suicidal mess invalided out of my career (the police) to someone that has a pretty good life, with accomplishment, occupation, satisfaction and a loving relationship. It has not been all pain sailing, particularly at the start, and I would actually have thought much the same as you -I was stuck with things as they were.

I guess I've been lucky that after trialing a large number of meds I've arrived at a regime that suits me and more or less does the job. Similarly I've been fortunate in both GPs and other medical professionals.

You sound as if you have made a good start, talking wiht your parents, visiting a GP and taking counseling. It is however just the start. If you persevere things only have to click once.

Croix