Girlfriend is lost and doesn't want help

[Atimb]

Hello,

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year now and she mentioned to me relatively early in the relationship that she has been diagnosed with BPD, Complex PTSD as well as an eating disorder. She lives at home with her mum and dad and constantly conveys how dis functional and abusive the house environment is towards her. She has never had a job and doesn't attend school, she's always mentioned how difficult it is for her to get up in the morning but she refuses to reach out for help because of past experiences with therapists which proved futile. She's been to rehab for a previous drug addiction where she encountered numerous therapists. She believes if she moved out that it would help her condition but she has no plan or income on how to take on that process. I'm writing this thread purely to seek advice on how can I further help her in whatever she wants to achieve. I've never experienced mental illnesses this prominent until encountering this relationship. All advice is greatly appreciate!

Thankyou,

[RandR]

Hi Atimb,

Firstly, good on you for being a supportive partner since you met her and for reaching out and seeking some guidance, help and or advice. Says a lot about you.

I dated a girl who conveyed to me very early in the relationship that she suffered from panic attacks coupled with anxiety and PTSD. Based on what she told me happened to her when she was young explained a lot of this.

You're a product of your environment and if she is currently in a destructive one, it's going to constantly take it's toll. That being said. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can understand how she might feel that moving out will solve a few issues. But not having a plan or income would only throw other challenges at her (and you).

I found that doing research into PTSD and what else she has been diagnosed with helps. And that if you can show her some positive stories or a few productive pathways that she might be able to take (and coming from real life examples of people going through similar things like her) might be one direction to take. Do you spend much time at her house? Does she spend much time out of the house and at yours?

Have you spoken to her openly about her not working, having a plan and perhaps what would need to be done in order for her to obtain some more independence?

I'd also suggest checking out this forum thread titled 'Relationship & Family Issues' as I'm sure there are bound to be some similar articles or threads that may be of some help to both you and your partner.

Best of luck and sorry I couldn't help more. I really applaud your effort and supporting your partner by the way.

Kind regards,

Raman.

[Just Sara]

What a beautiful soul you are Atimb; welcome to our caring community.

The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself first; be the best you can be. If you fall to sympathising too much, it won't serve either of you.

The next thing is to research her diagnosis' to be well informed about her behaviour and their causative factors. This can help you understand and plan ahead on how to respond.

Having a borderline personality disorder (BPD) means she may present as unwilling to accept therapy at times. I won't go into it now, but urge you to explore her disorders for your own piece of mind as an observer; you can't do it for her.

Please stay away from blogs or sites without proper credentials; well known Universities here and abroad are far better for quality, reliable info, and tend to have fact-sheets that satisfy layman terminology. If you feel you can cope with scientific jargon, then please go into it further.

BeyondBlue (this site) have a broad range of info in the links below. And, if you call the mental health hotline in your state, they can provide urgent support or refer you to places/people who might help.

*Any talk of suicide or self harm needs immediate attention. The MH hotline is a good place to go otherwise call 000 for police/ambulance no matter how much she might resist*

The way you respond to your gf will set the stage for your future together. Try not to engage in argumentative to-and-fro's, there'll be times no truth or rational explanation will do. Pandering to her won't work either; this can turn back on you in the long term.

With PTSD, she may exhibit very sad or irrational behaviour due to triggers, either real or perceived. Yeah I know, there's a lot to learn. But coming here as you have, and loving her as you obviously do, can help to overcome any confusion and worry you may have. It just takes patience, courage and commitment.

Things may take a toll on you too. Try to be aware if you begin to show signs of exhaustion, helplessness or anger for instance. You need to be motivated and Mentally Healthy as well; sometimes a break's good.

I wish you all the best Atimb. You sound really caring and intelligent which I'm sure will benefit you both.

Please visit again so we can chat more...hope I've helped.

Kind thoughts;

Sez