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Depressed husband thinking of ending relationship

Community Member

One day l am the most wonderful supportive wife, the next day I'm the cause of his pain and complete misery. We go through this cycle of a low period, which something will then trigger off some anger/aggression along with some irrational behaviour and paranoid thought patterns.

Then crash! a few days of sobing crying needing to talk through all the reasons he doesn't feel loved, trying work it out and rationalize why he can't stop crying. During this time he usually wont leave me alone followed by telling me to please leave as lm killing him.

We have tried different medication, two psychologist, psychiatrist and our GP but it is getting worse.

l dont know how to help him any more.

3 Replies 3

Community Champion
Community Champion


Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

I am not sure what I could say to make you feel better. But I am listening!

I am saddened by the emotional pain you are going through, when all you are trying to do is help. I suspect this has been going on for some time, but not really sure from your post.

For myself, when I am in a depressive state, I tend to the prefer to be alone. I might send out an email some people in my support circle, but I find that I have the work through it myself. Stupid (?) I know. And because I work with software (logical mind etc.) there is this paradox of negative feelings vs the thoughts in your head that you know are irrational. You mention this about your husband trying to rationalize why he cannot stop crying.

I hope you do not mind if I ask you a few questions.

You spoke in the past tense re medication etc. Is your husband still on medication? Is he still seeing a psychologist?

Have you looked at the resources on the web site here for carers and support people?

I know this next questions sounds a little odd.... but is it you that wants to leave your depressed husband? Or does it want to leave you?

I was told that medication can be a (bit) hit and miss in terms of find the right one to use. And it takes time to come into effect.

You don't have the answer the questions here, but are prompts for things to think about. If you do answer the questions here I (or someone else) can reply. But we are are trained professional. Just people with different MIs, who will help you, support you, in whatever ways we can in this space.



Community Member

Thanks for replying Tim

she has been trying a few different medications and has been on a different one for the last three weeks.

Sometimes he can't see a future without me and then when he is in a complete desperate state he wants me to leave and blames the relationship for all his pain.

He is in finance so trying to rationalize all these emotions drives him crazy but he just cant stop.

Dear MeINZ

Hello and welcome. Thank you for telling us your story. I gather this has been going for some years. Can I just check, in your post above you said, she has been trying a few different medications Was that a typo?

You cannot make someone change unless that person wants to change. It's the same with mental illness. If your husband does not want to resolve his difficulties there is nothing you can do. It seems to me, as you said, he goes from one mental state to another alternately blaming you and then almost idolizing you. I can imagine how difficult this can be.

I have a suggestion for you. How do you feel about seeing a psychiatrist? Not because you are unwell but because you need some help to manage your life. It's possible the psych may have some idea from your words what is happening to your husband. In this case he/she may be able to refer him to a different psychiatrist. It's not ethical for the psychiatrist to have both of you as clients.

I hope you will consider this option. I believe it will help you enormously in understanding more about your husband and helping you to manage. It may also help you decide what to do in the future.

Please continue to post here.