depressed friend

[May1]

About a week ago my friend went missing for about 16 hours and left me with a goodbye message. It terrified me more than anything in my life ever. He finally contacted me and told me he didn't want to keep going, I talked with him through that night til he fell asleep and he has been opening up to me more over the following days, he is a very private quiet person so I'm stoked he's talking to me about what he's been going through and he agreed to exercise and do small self help things for himself like I suggested (which is really good?) but I cant seem to feel any better. I'm extremely terrified he's going to go quiet again and not contact me again. I've also been through depression and suicidal thoughts myself (few years ago I am better now) and I keep crying when I think about what he's going through, he's an amazing person and friend and he doesn't deserve this and it's really upsetting me. But most of all I'm scared he will go quiet again, whenever I'm not in contact with him even for a few hours I feel sick not knowing what he's doing or if he's okay. Basically I'm not dealing with it very well right now, I've lost my appetite for a week, my anxiety is high and I just feel upset all the time. Maybe I just need more time to learn to deal with it I'm not sure? Some advice on how to help him feel better in general and how to make myself feel better or more relaxed about this would be extremely appreciated. Even experiences from other people and any small things they did to help would be really good. Thanks heaps.

[jess334]

Hi May,

Thanks for posting about this difficult topic. It is always scary when someone we love wants to give up.

It is great that you can be there for him. Especially as you have your own experiences to back it up.

Is your friend getting medical advice or treatment from a GP or psychologist? Often depression isn't something we can treat and resolve on our own. Although of course exercising can definitely help.

Caring for someone with mental health issues can be really difficult. We tend to take on their problems as if they are our own. Its important to remember that although we are there to provide support and advice, we are not responsible for their feelings and actions. If you can, seeing a councillor or a psychologist to talk this through might be really helpful for you.

I am currently helping my sister through her first episode of depression and anxiety. Luckily my mum is very supportive too so we shared the load. Sometimes for my own mental health I had to take a step back from her. For example, if it was late at might & I was exhausted I would suggest she speak to our mum instead. Then I could get some rest and could be there for her in the morning.

If you can help your friend find another support person so you can share the load - that would be great. Doesn't have to be a professional, or it could even be as simple as him calling the Beyond Blue or Lifeline support lines.

Kind thoughts,

Jess

[White_Rose]

Dear May

A warm welcome to the forum and thanks for helping another person who is going through the awfulness called depression. Not an easy thing to.

I want to echo Jess' comments. We do take on the problems of others which is not good for our mental health and well-being. It's easy to say take a step backwards but very difficult to do, especially when it involves someone we care about. Can you remember what supports you had when you were depressed? How did this happen? Thinking about your own experience may be useful in helping your friend to have other supports and not leaving you the sole helper.

I do understand the worry you are experiencing. I hope I can help you a little. Firstly I suggest you have a chat with your GP. He/she will understand your worry and will help you to cope and find ways of helping your friend that do not necessarily involve you. That way you can keep in touch with your friend but with less stress.

I also suggest you talk to the fantastic people at the Suicide Call Back Service. I know the name is a little daunting but it is about anyone affected by suicidal thoughts and those who care for them. Perhaps you can browse their website. https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ The phone number is 1300 659 467 and is available 24/7. They can give you suggestions about helping your friend. Perhaps you can suggest your friend contacts them. They are really great people to talk to.

Your friend will be taking some of the pressure off you by talking with some professional people. Do you know if he taking any medication such as an antidepressant? Is he talking to his GP/psychologist/psychiatrist? These are important steps for him to take. Like you we are here to share our experiences and pass on tips that have helped us. We are all different but some of the tactics we have used also work for others. You may find it helpful to read some of the posts in the Depression forum and the Suicidal forum.

Beyond Blue has a range of fact sheets and booklets. Look under The Facts and Get Support at the top of the page. You can download the fact sheets and send for any booklets you think will be helpful. There is no charge.

The suggestions you have made to your friend are good, especially as it will encourage him to take these steps himself. Anything that gets him working on his problems is good and again takes pressure from you. I think you are a fantastic friend and wise to ask for help for yourself.

Mary