Depressed Dad won't get help

[soap_ctsoul]

Hello,

I'm only 17 years old so please bear with my level of knowledge on this topic. My Dad, who is in his 50s, has gone through traumatic experiences with family members growing up and has had depression ever since he was a child.

I love my Dad and I want to be a good daughter to him but it's hard as we have clashing personalities and views and sometimes I struggle to look past it. He was diagnosed with depression but I personally believe he leans more towards BD as he has these very intense periods where he comes up with all these crazy ideas and aspirations and is really excitable and silly, but on the other end of things he is angry, irritable and bored (for lack of better term.)

He always comes up with excuse after excuse for things. I like to consider myself a reasonable kid. He drives two hours back and forth every day to work except Sat and Sun, I 100% understand that this is tiring and makes you more irritable.

What I can't understand is why he feels the need to force my Mum to drink, and why he is completely unable to accept when he has a flaw or issue with himself.

I have confronted him about things such as his betting problems and alcohol dependence and I am always met with excuse after excuse. I can tell he's being dishonest or trying to dodge things. It's always "I'm not nearly as bad as some people" or he turns to an angry retort "You don't see me sitting down at the pub at 10 in the morning!"

He is completely unable to see that there are different severities of issues. He doesn't avoid work to drink or anything extreme like that. But he gets angry so often, and even though he's been married to my Mum for 20+ years, I can tell it hurts her and she is the biggest victim of his anger issues.

I feel helpless. I don't know how to get him to get help. I feel as though I've done all that I can do. I do little things like scrub his feet to remove callous, I clean his car, I clean the house, I buy him little things every now and then and I try my hardest to be a kind and loving daughter in nature. Everything I try ends in an argument and as previously mentioned, I try to stay calm and rational and rarely raise my voice unless mine is being drowned out but even then I prefer not to turn to yelling as I believe it has no positive effect. He REFUSES to get help because its "too late for him" and he doesn't ever say it in a hopeless way, its more so like he truly believes he is unfixable and that's just the way it is.

Hope someone can help me.

[baet123]

Hey Soap,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for posting and sharing your situation with us. I can tell you are a great person and a loving and caring daughter and your parents I am sure are extremely proud of you. It takes extreme bravery, courage and resilience to post on forums and these are great qualities you possess.

I am sorry that your father is struggling at present and has had a rough time growing up and throughout his adult life. It can be really hard to acknowledge that you need help when you are struggling and I know this from my own personal experiences. You mention that your father was diagnosed with depression. Does he receive medical care and treatment for this condition at present or no? Has he ever seen a professional to deal with his trauma which he experienced when he was younger? Early intervention is necessary and I assume he hasn't properly dealt with the trauma he experienced when he was younger so addressing the underlying issues behind his drinking, gambling and his differing personalities/moods is important.

We find comfort through denial and I believe that we need to overcome the comfort of denial for many of us to improve our well-being and quality of life.

You mention he says "its too late for him". I think you and your mother should consider asking him to try for a period of 3-6 months of constant therapy/medication and see where that takes him. It is never to late to get better and improve ourselves. Your father will find that after the initial discomfort, pain, hurt and anger he will feel better expressing his emotions and that treatment will greatly improve his overall quality of life and emotional well-being. I think it is even worth mentioning the benefits to your father-daughter relationship.

It is important to try to increase your father's motivation and find a way to see what he is missing out on or how he could and will feel so much better if he seeks help as opposed to simply stating a need or desire to change.

You are an amazing person and you have great qualities at such a young age.

I hope this helped.

Look forward to hearing from you again.

Nick.

[soap_ctsoul]

Hi Nick,

Thank you so much for your reply, I greatly appreciate it. Sorry for my late reply, I'm new to the forums so I'm not good at working it!! Thank you so much for you kind words. I strive to be the best person I can be, but I am far from perfect!

I think Dad may have gone to some therapy in his 20s for a bit, maybe even a year but I think he just gave up. He has medication for depression and he isn't receiving any therapy currently, when I've asked him about maybe giving it a go he gets angry and I just don't know what to do. It's as if he's not willing to help himself and whenever I try to suggest ideas, and I do its gently and kindly, he gets so angry and rude and I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to get angry with him but I leave the conversation really upset and frustrated with his unwillingness to co-operate.

I always try to motivate and level him despite our differences and sometimes it works but sometimes I get really scared of asking him because he can be so unpredictable. He's never physically hurt me or anything but he can yell and swear and for some reason, it really scares me and I'm not good at dealing with it. Then after our arguments/heated discussions, I cry and when I cry he gets mad at me for crying and it's just like this massive upsetting and neverending cycle. I'm not too good at controlling my anger and I never know whether or not I should stand up for me and Mum. When I see Dad force Mum to drink I always yell at him that he needs to ask her not force her. Is this the right thing to do? I've tried doing it calmly too but it results in the same react from him and weirdly enough he is less responsive when I raise my voice.

Should I even stand up for myself and Mum? I feel like when I'm talking to him nothing I say is right and I'm walking on eggshells.

I love him because he's my Dad but I want things to be better. I want HIM to be better. My Mum deserves better. Maybe I don't deserve better? It's hard to know my worth anymore. Am I supposed to just live with this and hope he will eventually listen to me and get help?

In the long run, would it be okay if my Mum and I left my Dad? I'm so afraid he'd hurt himself if we left him. I feel so damn lost.

Kind regards,

Soap

[baet123]

Hey Soap,

No problem at all mate and you don't need to apologise ever! Don't ever feel obligated to post! We all have our own flaws and what is most important is exactly what you mentioned. Striving to be the best version of yourself is all one can really do!

After all these years of living with a mental health condition, its absolutely understandable that going to see a therapist or a psychologist would be overwhelming and something he may not be comfortable with. A big struggle for loved ones of people with a health condition is having to sit around and just watch and know that they can't really do much to help them. When I was going through a few issues of my own, it put my parents and family members under immense stress and that is one of the only things in my life I regret. Unfortunately, we have to want to help ourselves before change generally occurs and all you can do is keep supporting him and trying to get him to get the help he requires!

I think when he screams at you and swears, it isn't personal. Always remember that he is acting a certain way because he is hurting too but getting assistance and reaching out is probably very difficult for him and he could be using denial as a coping mechanism. I am sorry that you cry and that you find yourself in a viscous cycle, however, keep letting it out man and never let your emotions build up inside and its encouraging you express your emotions. Never stop doing this!

In regards to the situations when your dad forces your mother to drink, I don't think that is healthy for their relationship or your family as a whole, however, this subject and your father's situation is very tricky but common situation and their is no right or wrong answer. You yelling at him and trying to get a point across and do the right thing is the "right thing" to do but also think why he is forcing your mother to drink and by yelling will it actually or can it improve the situation? You nailed it on the head when you mentioned if you yell or say it to him calmly, you have a similar outcome.

You and your mum do deserve better but sometimes there is no easy answer unfortunately. Please keep supporting him and your mother and ensure that your taking time for yourself and ensuring your self-care. As for your last point, that is something you have to work out and I don't feel comfortable giving you advice on that topic.

I hope your situation improves and we are always here for you. Look forward to hearing back from you.

Nick.

[Huckle]

Dear Soap,

Your are obviously a beautiful, caring, sensible and strong person, feel proud of who you are. Your posts gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes. May I ask have you ever, or could you talk to a trained counsellor about the situation with your dad? You wondering if it'd be ok for you and your mum to leave is a glaring red flag and I believe you need to seek help to get advice and assistance. It's sad when we can't help those who won't let us but it's so important to look after yourself.

I hope you can get the help you need.

Kind wishes and positive vibes,

Huckle