Depressed, alcoholic self harming boyfriend. Need support
I have been with my boyfriend on and off for10 years. We were together for 8 and broke up for a bit because he was dealing with mental health issues and pushed me away. We got back together and have been together around 1.5 years again and we moved in about 4 months ago.
He always had a drinking problem since his dad died quite young. He never dealt with his emotions and drank and smoked a lot of marijuana.
since we got back together, the drinking was less but still an issue. I didn't realise how much until we moved in together recently. Since then we have had multiple fights about his drinking which blow up and he yells and throws things and I yell back.
2 weeks ago I woke up to him on the phone to triple 0. He had injured himself. He kept saying it was an accident. The police arrived and he immediately became aggressive and disrespectful to the police. He had been drinking and while waiting for the paramedics, the police had to push him to the ground and handcuff him. I have never gone through something like this so was in shock. I know he was putting on a tough guy act for the police because once the paramedics arrived he burst into tears. I also had to clean up the blood.
He went to hospital and he had to have surgery. He was kept in hospital all day on mental health watch, he and I both spoke to the mental health team and I told them everything. I wanted him to stay in hospital to get the help he needed but they decided he was safe to go home. He has spoken to a psychiatrist in the past but it only ever lasts a couple of sessions so I was really hoping this incident would push him and the hospital to get help but they let him go.
Fast forward 2 weeks to today, he took his own cast off and refused to go to the hospital for his follow up appointment. Blew up at me over a video game we were playing. And has been drinking all night again. Things had been good since the hospital visit until tonight.
I'm at my end, he won't listen to me, he won't get help, he won't stop drinking and his anger scares me. I'm ashamed to tell my friends and family what's really happening because most of the time he is a really nice, charming guy. His mum is no help and just tells him what he wants to hear and he has isolated himself from most of his friends. I just don't know what to do anymore and want to leave but I am scared he will hurt himself again.
We're really glad you've shared what's happening for you. That night where the police and ambulance would have been very confronting. It sounds like your boyfriend means alot to you and you just want to see him stop suffering and not hurt himself again. At the same time, his anger and aggression towards you sounds pretty worrying, so its no wonder youre wanting to leave.
It may be helpful to encourage him to reach out for support for himself by starting with a 24/7 support line such as Mensline Australia who are a dedicated counselling service for men's issues. This is where he can start the conversation in a safe space. Mensline are available anytime for crisis counselling and can be reached both online via mensline.org.au or by telephone on 1300 789 978.
Whilst we trust our online community members will stop by here to provide some additional support to you, it may be also beneficial for you to reach out to us on 1300 22 4636 especially if youre struggling at anytime.
Please note that if you ever feel unsafe, then this is an emergency and it's important that you contact 000 (triple zero) straightaway yourself.
Hello TiredGirlfriend, it always takes great courage to make a comment on the forums, but really pleased you have.
A person who needs to drink alcohol and smoke marijuana may be doing this for several different purposes and anybody doing this will have their own reason, whether others may know or it could be hidden and that may not be easy to find out, however, it's up to them to decide whether or not they want to stop.
You are not responsible for his own actions if you do decide to leave him, but once someone refuses to get the help they need, the only option is to leave.
The act is a call out for help and once released he then denies any treatment you can call in Vic Mental Health First Aid on (03) 9079 0208, other states will have similar phone numbers to contact.
You can also copy and paste this in your browser 'Getting help from crisis support and telephone counselling services', this may provide help for him.
There are three issues here that are concerning, and I'm not a doctor, but his drinking/marijuana, how he is feeling mentally and his temper, all three combined can make your life very unpleasant.
Can I also suggest that you see your doctor and wonder how you felt when you weren't living with him, this may help you to make your final decision, but would really like to hear back from you.
Just my 2 cents worth. Sounds like he's never dealth with his grief. He sounds like he also has anger issues.
Grief can do weird things to our emotions. We think we're fine and then the next wave comes crashing in and you're all over the place. Ultimately it's his job to deal with it. You can help him. But it's not your job to be abused.
When I was an alcoholic, and even after my dad died, I had anger management issues and would take my own frustrations out on those around me. It wasn't until I saw the effects of my behviour on those around me that I realised I had a problem. Although it's understandable behaviour, it's not acceptable. And you shouldn't have to put up with it.
It really depends on how serious he is about getting better. Sometimes in life we get annoyed that we have to fix problems that weren't caused by us. Well, ... that's life. And as an adult it's something he should understand by now. If he's not serious, but just using you up for your sympathy, it may be time to leave.
Just remember, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. As Kevin Sheedy said once in half-time speech "If it is to be, it is up to me."