Conflict: helping friend vs not upsetting partner

[KIkiJo]

Hi, I’m new here and looking for advice.

My friend has suffered with severe depression for sometime now. I have always been there for her whenever she’s needed anything. We live 3 hours away from each other and in the last week, she has accused me of doing something unthinkable.

At first I was really shocked and angry, but then just felt sad that she could think I would do something like that. I have decided regardless that I would like to help her and support her through this rough time for her but my husband is very unforgiving and doesn’t want me speaking with her. He can’t hnderstand how I could forgive her or why I would want anything to do with her.

I am feeling very lost with what I should do and where I should go from here. I don’t want to abandon my friend when she needs the support but I love my husband and don’t want to lose him over this either...

[smallwolf]

KIkiJo,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

I am not asking you to tell the story of what happened, but from your post it sounds like something happened between your friend and you, and while you were able to forgive her, but your husband cannot. It is a strength that not only can for forgive, but want to be there for your friend.

Does your husband have any experience with depression? As in knowing someone or being with someone when in that low spot?

I am wondering if there is some sort of compromise that could be made whereby you are able to help your friend and not lose your husband? It might require baby steps on both sides, telling your friend the impact her statements had/have on your husband? I dunno.

Perhaps you could chat or talk to someone at beyond blue, head space, or some other mental health organisation to work out a way forward? Or even finding a local counselling service for a chat?

Sometimes forgiveness takes a long time to work. Is there an instance where your husband has been able to forgive someone? And how long did that take?

I hope you got something from my reply,

Tim

[White_Rose]

Hello KlkiJo

I join Tim in welcoming you to this forum and Beyond Blue in general.

You are in a truly tricky situation and I congratulate you on being able to forgive your friend. If you talk about this with your husband perhaps say that forgiveness does not wipe out the offence or make it OK. Your friend, for whatever reason, was unkind to you and this hurt you. Forgiveness is being able to let go of the hurt rather than constantly keeping it fresh in your mind.

I wonder if your husband is more upset because this hurt happened to you, someone he loves, and makes him angry. Sometimes we feel more anger for someone we care about than being hurt ourselves. He may not see why you forgive her.

Have you had a good look around the BB site? There is heaps of information about depression and anxiety which you may find helpful and may also help your husband. Without excusing your friend it is helpful to know depression can make people do all sorts of things which they normally would not dream of. Such is the power of the black dog.

Does your friend have any support closer to home? Spouse, children, psychologist etc? It may be useful to step back a little knowing you are not abandoning your friend as she will still have support. Have you talked about her accusation with her? I wonder if it would help to ask why she made that claim. To continue a friendship with such a huge elephant in the room I imagine would be difficult.

I am not sure I can give any suggestions about your husband other than the comments above. I do understand how difficult this is for both of you. I can see myself in a similar situation and wonder what I would do.

Please continue to write in here as I am sure others will respond to you.

Mary

[KIkiJo]

Thanks Tim,

My husband doesn’t have a lot of experience with someone with depression. And he is a very stubborn person. That of course is both a strong point and a detriment to him. He is very unforgiving. Once he’s been wronged, there is usually no moving forward from it. It’s very difficult because we are so different in that way. If I didn’t support my friend right now, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if she did something terrible. But I of course don’t won’t to ruin things with him. We have an otherwise amazing relationship and 4 children.

I have told my friend it will be a rough road because of how my husband feels but that I do want to support her. She understands that so I’m all good from her perspective.

I am finding I do have trust issues with her now though as she’s said some things to me and then I find out from her husband that she’s said something different. I don’t know if the choice I’m making is the right one or if I should prioritise my relationships.

[KIkiJo]

Thank you Mary,

Thats a good point that you make. I have forgiven her because I don’t feel like the healthy her would ever do what she’s done. But it is going to take me a while to get over it and trust her again. But as I said to Tim, I don’t feel like I can just walk away because I would never forgive myself if she hurt herself during this time.

My husband is very unforgiving and I do think you’re right. Probably even more so because someone he loves has been hurt.

My friend does have support. She has a husband who is helping her and we both are gently encouraging her to seek out a professional. She has moments of accepting our help and others where she feels it’s a judgment. Perhaps it would be best like you suggested, to tell her I’m here but I’m stepping back. I don’t know .

I have spoken to her about the issue with my husband and that it may not be an easy road. As I also said to Tim, I don’t know if I’m making the right choice. I have trust issues with her now and don’t know if the friendship will ever go back to how it was... 😞 Wish there was an easy way!

[blondguy]

Hello KIkiJo

Thank you for being a part of the forum family!

Tim and Mary have offered excellent support above. From what you have posted I am sad that your husband doesnt understand how clinical depression can effect our (and your friend's) lives.

I have tried to understand what has happened that has made your husband feel the way he does and thats your business which is more than understandable KIkiJo

This is a tough situation, as you have mentioned that your friend has said that she has support for her depression. I understand that some people dont understand what depression really is as they havent experienced this awful condition.

Its only my humble opinion that you should be able to provide support for your friend without judgement from anyone. It is sad that you now have trust issues with your friend KIkiJo

You are not alone when it comes to situations like this. The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post. Your privacy and well being is paramount to the forums

I really hope you can continue to be a part of the forums KIkiJo

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[White_Rose]

Hello KIkiJo

How are you going? I hope you home life is not in turmoil. I want to say something I feel is very important for you to think about. You said "I don’t feel like I can just walk away because I would never forgive myself if she hurt herself during this time." I am certain you would be upset especially after all the support you have given her. I ask you to get one aspect clear in your mind however. Harming herself is your friend's responsibility not yours.

That sounds a bit rough I know but the reality is, just as you cannot make her get help or recover from her depression, so you cannot prevent her suicide if this is what she decides to do. Offering help and support is fantastic, taking her to the doctor is wonderful, putting up with her disrupting your life and the relationship with your husband is not right.

I wonder if there is a bit of emotional blackmail happening here. I know from my own experience that when I was suicidal I did talk about it to others. I had lots of help and I stayed here although it was very hard at times. I did not make any suggestions about self harm to keep anyone talking to me.

I am not sure if I am sending the message I want you to receive. Support your friend because you want to do that and not because she may end her life if you are not there. Your responsibility can only go so far. Let me know If you get what I am trying to say. It's a tricky subject.

Mary

[KIkiJo]

Thanks Mary,

What you are saying does make sense. I know in my mind that I am not responsible for the choices she makes from here on in. I would just find it incredibly hard if I were to step away and something happened.

On the contrary, if I don’t step away, I may risk my relationship with my husband.

i spoke to her today about the predicament I’m in and that while I’m still here, I need to step back. She didn’t even apologise for bringing all of this into my life which makes me sad. I know she’s very much in a place where all her focus is on herself but it was still tough knowing what she’s done in my life and her having no understanding of it.

😞

[KIkiJo]

Thank you Paul,

This community has really helped. I’m so glad I found this forum. i don’t feel so alone now.

[White_Rose]

Hello KIkiJo

Whew! Thank goodness I didn't upset you. I was a bit nervous about saying those things.

You are quite right about your friend not seeing or understanding what has happened. This is one of the sad aspects of depression as the person's attention becomes centred on themselves. In another time I think your friend would be kind and helpful to others and certainly not make hurtful statements. This is often why people walk away because of something that has been said.

You are trying to be a good friend and I am happy for you that you can see this is not normal behaviour for your friend. I am sure you would be dreadfully upset if she took her own life. Absolutely. The sad reality is you cannot be with her 24/7 and neither can you make decisions for her.

Stepping back a little may help her realise how she has hurt you. If that happens then I would take it as a hopeful sign that she is beginning to see beyond herself. Meanwhile, back at the camp.... Do you remember when that comment was a recognisable part of a film plot. So meanwhile, back at the camp, I hope you and your husband are healing yourselves and gaining perspective about the episode. Love to hear more about your progress.

Mary