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Community Member

My 20 yo daughter has suffered with anxiety/depression since high school and I feel that she isn't getting the right kind of help. She told me a year or so ago that she was convinced that she had BPD. She started seeing a psychologist (who she said she didn't like and that she couldn't talk to) through her GP and pushed to see a psychiatrist so that she could get a diagnosis. She got an appointment and was told she had traits of BPD. She was super angry about this and insisted to me that it was full BPD and pushed to join a group to get treatment. I feel that she has convinced herself that she has this condition and knows how to answer questions accordingly.

She now uses the condition as an excuse for her behaviour and constantly tells me that I don't understand and that I need to learn more about her condition and cut her some slack. She constantly blames me if we argue and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. She has seen various psychologists and never seems to be happy with them. She has just started seeing a new psychiatrist and I feel like the treatment she is receiving is counter productive. She is becoming increasingly self obsessed and selfish, and constantly tells me that nothing is her fault and she 'has a mental health condition' and that I 'should be more supportive'.

I have tried so so hard over the last few years and this has nearly broken me. I feel like my daughter has anger issues and that the direction that she is going in is completely wrong. I wish I could talk to her current psychiatrist ask him to start from scratch and fully assess her from scratch but I know I cant. I'm so frustrated and I just don't know how to help her move forward and stop making excuses for her behaviour.

I want to support her in the best way that I can but we just seem to be stuck in this rut where I think she is using her 'BPD' as an excuse for anger and attitude and she thinks that I'm ignorant and need to be educated on BPD and what she is going through.

Can anyone relate? I really need to know if I'm dealing with this the right way or not.

Thanks x

16 Replies 16

Community Member

Hi LivLiv,

My 16 year old daughter has recently been diagnosed with BPD.

I came to this site to try and get some perspective, understanding and advice as her father and I are also struggling with it, walking on eggshells and finding life very difficult at the moment. Your post is the first one I've come across so far since signing up to this site today and straight away I can relate to it, and feel very much able to understand what you are going through.

My partner and I have both visited with my daughters psychiatrist in separate sessions. We are at the beginning of the diagnosis (after 18 months or so of trying other things and dealing with everything day to day, with no long term goal in mind) and we have found it to be very helpful, so I would recommend that too.

With your daughter being 20, it may be harder with privacy issues and so on, I guess, but in our case we now have a longer term plan in which to focus our attention and try learn how to manage it better. It's very hard as life is so unpredictable and volatile in our once happy home nowasays. It can really leave you feeling battered, I know, but seeing her psych has given us both some small glimmer of hope that we can get through this intact.

Our understanding is that our daughter will benefit from doing a series of group training/sessions called DHT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) - our challenge will be in getting our daughter to commit to going to these sessions. She may go and be OK with it and it will help a lot (our greatest hope) - or she may decide she's not interested and we'll struggle to get her there - in which case I don't know what we'll do.

I've also ordered quite a few books online about treatment options and BPD - there's even a "BPD for Dummies"!! And although they haven't arrived yet, I think they'll be helpful - perhaps you could try this too?

This has completely devastated us both and is very tricky to deal with, so you have my sympathy and understanding - good luck to you, your partner and your daughter.x

Community Member
Wow I feel like I just read my story’s . For 2 years our daughter has been in a cycle of such inconsistent, hurtful and destructive behavior. The moods are frightening and as you say can be quite lovely and then aggressive, violent, hurtful and so very worrying. Along with a drug habit that goes up and down depending on mood. Unable to maintain a job, either perceived bullying or paranoid behavior. Some weeks she can seem to rally but at present things are very low. At times her insight is good and wants help but other times blames her parents and everyone else for everything. Friendships come and go rapidly, at times she doesn’t like anyone either. And wonders why friends have run a mile. So exhausting. Sometimes I’m hopeful and other times I feel completely hopeless. Have rang many people just can’t seem to get a consistent plan. She is seeing psychologist next week and promises to be completely truthful, been seeing this psych for 4 years. Seen a few psychiatrists doesn’t like any of them. Wanted her to ring the mental health access line today but wouldn’t. I feel myself very flat at the moment, have had glimmers of hope over past 2 years but back to the beginning again now. I read and read all the time it’s the illness, she is in pain but I am only human too. Sometimes it’s all too much, today a bad day. It does help to know there are others out there like me too.

Community Member
Yes I can totally relate. I am so broken from the abuse and trauma. I have seen my daughter harm herself, be shackled and sedated. She is never admitted. She has done two years at a service. She had a great clinician for the last six months but she could only do so much. The psychiatrist just seemed to assess my daughter on how she was presenting at the time. She has not improved. I am also exhausted from the constant reassurance I have to give. She is now in a very unhealthy relationship. I feel she needs intensive treatment and a detox from drug use but she won’t go to because she won’t leave him. Whenever she goes to hospital for self harm she is never admitted because she knows what to say so she isn’t. It is an impossible situation and the stress has taken a huge hole. People say I am strong but I am not. I am falling apart.

Hi Julr,

Welcome to the forums. We're so sorry to hear that you have been going through all of this with your daughter. We understand that this must be distressing, and also exhausting. It sounds like your daughter is very lucky to have such a caring parent. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about what you're going through. Can we ask if you are receiving mental health support for yourself? We understand that caring for others can take a toll. Please do feel free to contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for seeing a counsellor in a more ongoing way if this is something you feel would be beneficial.

You might also be inetrested in our some of our pages:
If you would like to seek support from the community on this topic, we would recommend that you start a new thread of your own as well as contributing to other threads. Thanks for reaching out today.

Community Member
Hello, I am currently in a relationship with a person who I am pretty sure has strong traits of BPD. All I can say is anger blame, victim thinking (perceived persecution) and lack of emotional awareness I know is very classic ofhim. And his dysfunctional behavior (which he doesn't realize because of his inclination towards beliefs of persecution) he has not developed its characteristic of bpd. It's very hard to see and know while watching another struggle and act out this. If there was a program or therapy that might teach that personal responsibility helps the ups and downs and power struggles that individuals face that might be a step in the right direction. From my understanding, bpd sufferers are extremely sensitive so. I was reading from another person who is in a partnership relationship with someone who has bpd and they are undergoing DBT treatment that it helped to just acknowledge and accept their feelings and express wanting to understand how they are feeling. But yes not accept bad behaviour. Not sure if this may work. But this person really believes their reality. The guilting you about not knowing enough sounds like a product of persecution thinking which unfortunately they can use as a crutch and seem to gravitate to very unhealthily. Hold in there. Try to distance yourself from their struggles. If you can is there away to look for alternative therapy providers to fast track some progress?

Community Member
I can't actually say if you are dealing with it in the wrong way or not. Though shifting mindsets and clearing your mind of the present might open you up to seeing potentials/ seeking out possible potentials just as a means to steer the ship until you see a better course. It's not easy to know the right thing to do or say as this person has the potential to be so self-destructive and it's really mostly out of your control. I think the only advice I can really give is to not lose hope maybe lose some expectation to work with what you got to try to be there but don't accept the destructive behavior towards you - yes there will be heaps of hissy fits. But It's showing them what they really need boundaries discipline responsibility. It's the only way we pull ourselves up when we are acting out. They don't and they indulge in it way too much. When I was younger I think I had the inclination towards some of the BPD behaviors looking at my BF and my mother this is an insight into some of it I can understand. I grew out of all the self-protection and persecution. But I still understand what it felt like and how trapped I was by my beliefs.

Dear No One On Earth~

I think you have given some good advice and I'm sure you are right about the uncertainties involved. No road-map so to speak.

If you are not already aware of it (apologies if you are) The Australian BPD Foundation can be a real help both for hose wiht the condition and their carers or loved ones


I hope this is of some help