Boyfriend's Anxiety

[Puppies]

Hi!

Tomorrow (August 4) is mine and my partner's 4 year anniversary. We have been doing long-distance the whole time. Despite being together for so long (with ups and downs) he recently voiced to me that he feels I do not wholeheartedly want to be with him anymore. I'm unsure of why this is because, firstly, I do still wholeheartedly want to be with him and my feelings toward him have not changed over the years, and secondly, I've always made the effort to ensure he knows I love him/want to be with him/want to work on issues in our relationship. He's never been good at communication, but he has recently tried so hard to voice any concerns or issues he has so we can work on them together.

I wanted to get some more ideas of little ways I can show my appreciation/love for him. Throughout the time we've been together I've done a lot of research and collated ideas together of little things we can do for each other/how to communicate effectively/ways to effectively solve problems, etc. I was hoping to get a bit of an insight into the things that make YOU feel appreciated/loved while dealing with anxiety.

Thanks 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Puppies~

I've read this and some of your other posts about your partner and think he is lucky to have someone so loving and concerned.

I would tend to question what you want to do though. Trying harder and harder to ensure someone with depression feels loved and secure is probably a case of diminishing returns. When I've been that way I don't think extra actions by my partner over and above the care she already offers would make all that much difference, like The Possum I'm too locked inside myself.

Several people have suggested such times are when you should be looking to your own needs, including need for support. Being depressed does not mean one does not have an effect on others - far from it - and the depressed person should be (gently) told about it, otherwise if they are like me they will not realize.

After 4 years I'm sure your partner will know what you are like and will be aware of your feelings. Uncertainty about a relationship can very easily come about because of depression (I've experienced that) and does need to be seen from that perspective.

In my own case I was comforted that my partner was there for me and was able to ride out the ups and downs (mostly of my own making) between us as a result.

Croix

[Croix]

P.S. I forgot to say firstly I'm sorry you haven not been answered before now, sometimes this does happen. It is the way this place is set up and nothing to do with you or what you want to talk about.

Secondly happy anniversary for today, I hope it goes well

-C

[Puppies]

Hi Croix,

Thanks so much for you response. I think that does help me a bit.

And thanks for the anniversary wishes - everything was great!

Puppies

[Puppies]

Hi everyone.

(a bit of an update)

My partner and I have been together for over 4 years (long distance) and throughout this time he has suffered with depression and anxiety. It has been getting worse but he is now at the point where he is coming to me and asking for help! This is a good step for him because he often shuts himself away instead.

At the moment we’re going through another tough time as he’s struggling with bad thoughts and confusion. We’re having a bit of time apart as he says he needs to understand what he wants. He knows that the depressive episodes hurt me (the things he sometimes says/does) and he says I deserve better. I can understand where he’s coming from but I’ve also been able to better understand that his depression makes him say/do things that he wouldn’t otherwise say/do on a ‘good’ day. He is also taking responsibility and has realised how his behaviour affects others.
As we are having some time apart I want to use this time to better understand what ways I can support him. I’ve understood the importance of his wanting time apart, but I wanted to know if there are any online resources I can tell him about once we see each other again. I have told him about the BeyondBlue forums, and Lifeline but are there any other useful resources that I could point him in the direction of?
I’d like to hear from both people who have dealt with depression/anxiety and the sources they used, but also from the perspective of family members or friends of those who have depression/anxiety and what resources have helped your loved ones?

Thank you - puppies

[Puppies]

What do I do?

I feel very confused. I have increasing anxiety. I want things with my partner to go back to normal. We saw each other and stayed at a hotel together on Friday night (after 3 weeks apart) because he suggested we talk and get everything out there.

i thought we did. Everything seemed to go really well. But now that we’re apart again I feel he’s distancing himself.

I want things to be normal. I want the anxiety to go away and I want to move forward in our relationship together.

I don’t know how to help myself or look after myself and I don’t know why this is happening for us

[Croix]

Dear Puppies~

I know this has been an ongoing problem (for the both of you really) . As you have posted here you have has some pretty sensible replies from ensuring your own well being though to encouraging him to get the best medical support available.

To look after yourself of course medical support, friends and family if available, doing things you enjoy and things you are good at.

It is encouraging that your partner wanted to help fix things and even more encouraging that while you were together things seemed better, and it was only after you separated matters cooled (did I get that right?)

Maybe there is a lesson in that, together is better? Being constant, happy and caring (without pressing) is a reason for a person to want to be with you.

You already have a couple of good health-related facilities you mention, perhaps something non-health related might be useful. What are his interests?

If you can find enjoyable things to do together that too can help. Even if he starts out of a sense of duty it can become enjoyable in its own right.

I've not said that much about how you settle your own anxieties other than the above. Although he may have depression he still has to try to supply hope.

Hope that makes sense

Croix

[Puppies]

Hi,

I am wondering how I can deal with the anxiety that comes with reoccurring thoughts.

Specifically, earlier this year someone I went to school with randomly sent me a message and told me that my partner matched with her on Tinder. I denied that it was an account that he made, and when I asked him he also denied it. He didn't tell me the truth until we were going through a rough time many months later. I don't know why he had a change of heart and decided to tell me, but he said he made the account when he was feeling really bad and was desperate to find some marijuana (he couldn't get it from where he usually did). (Also, he no longer smokes now which is good). I do believe that that was the real reason he had the account, but sometimes (quite rarely now) I get random bouts of anxiety about it. He told me that he felt really bad about making the account, whether it was to find weed or not, and that he knows he should've gone about it in a different way. Today I came across the name of the girl who told me about his account, and now I feel a little bit strange. I don't believe he would cheat on me or do wrong by me, but I think what worries me is that he made an account on a dating app (when he wasn't single) and that he lied about it when I asked. I also think what worries me more than that is that he must've 'swiped' this girl because apparently that's the only way you can 'match'. I've not had any dating app accounts before but this is my understanding after talking to a friend.

We're in a good place at the moment, but his mental health is very unstable, which makes the relationship unstable at times.

I don't really want to talk with him about this Tinder thing again because I don't want an argument.

What can I do to feel better within my self about the situation I described? He hasn't done anything like this recently, but after seeing the girls' name I just feel a bit anxious. What should I do to not feel this way about seeing her name?

P.S. Typing this up has made me feel a little bit better

- puppies

[PamelaR]

Hi Puppies

Welcome back. It's good you keep reaching out to us. From what you've said previously, it seems that the relationship with your boyfriend is anxiety provoking. The latest thing you've found out doesn't help things at all for you.

You asked - What can I do to feel better within my self about the situation I described? What should I do to not feel this way about seeing her name?

There are various techniques you can use to manage anxiety, e.g. tips are available under the Anxiety forum. The thread is called - Tips for Managing Anxiety and is pinned to the top of this forum.

Supporting people when they are not well can take it's toll. I've found it necessary to make sure I'm okay myself, by visiting my doctor and talking to friends. Puppies do you have someone you can talk to about your relationship? For example a close family member or trusted friend? Just wondering if you have seen anyone about your own anxiety? For example your doctor?

Hope some of this helps.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Puppies]

Hi PamelaR,

Thanks for your response.

Yeah, the relationship (as with any) can cause anxiety at times, especially as he is unwell.

This latest situation happened earlier this year, so it isn't recent. My partner and I have worked through it together, have had conversations and discussed everything, but I just randomly feel anxious or sad about it sometimes (not very often anymore).

I've been feeling recently that my mental health may be getting worse (not specifically because of the relationship with my partner). I think I've identified that the long distance that we're still doing (even after almost 4.5 years together), the fact that this distance makes it difficult for me to find a job if I still want this relationship with him, some issues at home sometimes, the fact I have no friends.. It all has kind of built up. I feel that I have done well to not fall into depression, and sometimes I'm surprised that it hasn't happened.

I will definitely look at those forums you mentioned, and may have to set aside some time to read through and take some notes/do research.

You asked if I have someone to talk to such as family member/friend/psych. I have been speaking to my mum about things when they are bad. I haven't recently as things have been good, but she does know about the situation I described above. I have also seen a psychologist, but have recently been cancelling all my appointments. I'm not really sure why. But I do notice I get really anxious before my appointments, which has always happened (I had my first appt in February). Again, I'm not sure why.

- puppies