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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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bubbly_ First time anxiety attacks - how do you support someone suffering from them? Especially someone you love so much?
  • replies: 4

So how does one support another who's suffering anxiety attacks? Especially a loved one who's never suffered from them before? Who do you turn to when the man you love is crumbling apart in front of you suffering, telling you he thinks you deserve be... View more

So how does one support another who's suffering anxiety attacks? Especially a loved one who's never suffered from them before? Who do you turn to when the man you love is crumbling apart in front of you suffering, telling you he thinks you deserve better in a partner? When he needs the reassurance and support and love in the world, he knows he's got me to count on, to lean on. But if god forbid something should happen to me, and he's in a state of anxiety, I'm wondering whether i'll be able to rely on him to be there for me in the same way. Crazy, isnt it? I feel so stupid even as i'm typing this...this man is my world. His anxiety has only come to light in the past few years and i'm so proud of him for taking the necessary steps to get help. (as i've told him many times) Maybe i'm just sounding a little selfish and self centrered, i dunno. Thoughts anyone?

AdvicePlease8677 Advice / help needed - husband is unwell
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone. I'm a long time reader, first time poster. I am married to the love of my life, been together for 13 years (since I was 17) and married for 5. Approx 2 years ago, my husband reluctantly quit smoking before his 40th birthday and ever sinc... View more

Hi everyone. I'm a long time reader, first time poster. I am married to the love of my life, been together for 13 years (since I was 17) and married for 5. Approx 2 years ago, my husband reluctantly quit smoking before his 40th birthday and ever since then it has been a downward spiral. It's almost like the nicotine was masking / keeping something at bay, and now it's been exposed. Since quitting, he has been getting more and more anxious. Small things seem that most people would brush off, really affect him and he gets into these moods that take forever to pass. We are both self employed within our own company. He used to manage quite well. Now he is stressed and anxious all the time. He has a massive fear of things going wrong, him not being good enough or him being made to look like a fool / ridiculed. I have never met someone who is so hard on themselves, even though he truly is talented at so many things. I should probably mention that his childhood was miserable. His mother is literally an ice queen. Not a single maternal bone in her body, and him and all his siblings recall never feeling loved, encouraged or even wanted. He remembers being quite young (7ish) and not really knowing exactly what was wrong, but just remembers an overall sense of sadness and not wanting to be in that house. He left home as soon as he could at 18. We have tried everything. Medication (stopped working), psychologists, therapists, hypnosis, alternative medicine, fitness etc - it just keeps getting worse. He often describes a feeling of going along and everything is ok, then something will happen and he will fall back in his "hole" that he finds increasingly difficult to get out of. He recently did a Transcendental Meditation course which seems to provide some relief. It's so bad now that as soon as he opens his eyes in the morning, dread rushes in and he gets a tight chest. Even though his days really aren't that stressful, he's just not coping. Does anyone have any opinion on what could be going on here? We have never received an official diagnosis. What should we do? I adore this man and it kills me to see him like this. He truly is smart, funny, competent and capable - how do I help him see it? (Worth noting : we don't have any major stresses in life, we are very lucky - financially we are fine, we have a couple of houses, he has race cars etc. We don't have children to worry about yet. No major health issues (other than this)). Thanks in advance x

Michelle1991 HOW TO HELP MY SISTER - DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY
  • replies: 2

Hi all, Thanks for taking the time to read this post. My sister has recently been diagnosed with depression & anxiety (we have known this for a long time however). I am just after some tips on how I can best help her. She isn't a really open person a... View more

Hi all, Thanks for taking the time to read this post. My sister has recently been diagnosed with depression & anxiety (we have known this for a long time however). I am just after some tips on how I can best help her. She isn't a really open person and it is hard to try to have a conversation about how she is feeling usually. Any tips or advice from your personal experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

JC123 Has anyone spent anytime with their partner at a retreat for some time out
  • replies: 1

Wondering if anyone has taken some time out to face their marriage problems head on and the associated depression and alcoholism that is possibly the cause... my beautiful neighbours are about to call it quits and I would love to see them go somewher... View more

Wondering if anyone has taken some time out to face their marriage problems head on and the associated depression and alcoholism that is possibly the cause... my beautiful neighbours are about to call it quits and I would love to see them go somewhere with no kids or distractions for maybe 2 weeks together where they can get some daily professional help to see if they can get through this and if not how to go about dissolving it in the most amicable way possible for the whole family - it’s so sad to watch and they r both at their wits end - any advice on retreats in nsw or interstate would be great Thanks

Concernedwife2018 help to stop the constant worry about a loved one with mental illness
  • replies: 12

Hi everyone I am writing here as I am struggling, unsure how to help, constantly worrying about things I cannot change and stressing about things that may never eventuate. Long story short my husband about 10 years ago was diagnosed with depression /... View more

Hi everyone I am writing here as I am struggling, unsure how to help, constantly worrying about things I cannot change and stressing about things that may never eventuate. Long story short my husband about 10 years ago was diagnosed with depression / bi polar disorder / ptsd as a result of a traumatic event in his chIldhood. At that time life sucked he used alcohol as his courage it was the turning point that was needed and we were able to get him the help he needed and he overcame the thoughts. Even to a point where he stopped taking his medication and was happy and relaxed. however, only this past week I have noticed changes in him and we spoke about it. He told me that for the past 8 months or so he has felt himself going down & he has began to have flashbacks again. He is having trouble getting to sleep and staying asleep, as his mind is in overdrive. He says he can be having a really good day and then bang! A reminder.. I truly thought 10 years ago we would never have to go through this again - how wrong I was, perhaps this is only just the beginning or it may be the peak and it will level out - who knows I guess only time will tell. He is currently working and he has acknowedged that work is good for him and it keeps his mind busy (which is a relief for me as last time he wasn't working) in addition he is sober and is staying that way - he knows what happens if he turns back to alcohol. I begged him numerous times to promise me he would not drink again- he has promised me- he is surviving on energy drinks so that I can handle. Although he and I are discussing his feelings, I still can't get it off my mind, I feel physically sick with worry and have not eaten in 3 days. I am waking in the middle of the night worrying about what to do. The part that worries me the most is if he did drink - I know how hard it was last time- me taking off in the middle of the night with the 2 kids in tow, not because I was scared of him but because I didn't want the kids to see what he was doing. Our kids are older now, and it won't be as easy for me to hide what is happening from them -in saying this though he knows the effect of drinking so I am confident he won't. I think I just need someone to talk to, but I'm not ready to tell my family yet. I hope this forum will be a chance for me to express myself whilst getting support and advise from others in the same situation. Thanks

MelNZ Depressed husband thinking of ending relationship
  • replies: 3

One day l am the most wonderful supportive wife, the next day I'm the cause of his pain and complete misery. We go through this cycle of a low period, which something will then trigger off some anger/aggression along with some irrational behaviour an... View more

One day l am the most wonderful supportive wife, the next day I'm the cause of his pain and complete misery. We go through this cycle of a low period, which something will then trigger off some anger/aggression along with some irrational behaviour and paranoid thought patterns. Then crash! a few days of sobing crying needing to talk through all the reasons he doesn't feel loved, trying work it out and rationalize why he can't stop crying. During this time he usually wont leave me alone followed by telling me to please leave as lm killing him. We have tried different medication, two psychologist, psychiatrist and our GP but it is getting worse. l dont know how to help him any more.

SallyS Friend with PTSD
  • replies: 9

Thank you to all that have posted before, each is enlightening, sometimes sad, sometimes a story of spirit or courage.. but your stories are helpful for me to try and understand PTSD. I have a newish friend with PTSD and I am trying to understand it ... View more

Thank you to all that have posted before, each is enlightening, sometimes sad, sometimes a story of spirit or courage.. but your stories are helpful for me to try and understand PTSD. I have a newish friend with PTSD and I am trying to understand it so that I can be a good friend for her. I know every experience is going to be different and every person is different but what can i do for her or what should i keep in mind? Lately I have felt confused with what she wants from me, how she wants me to treat her. She is changing her mind constantly on what she wants to do, what she wants me to do for her and about what upsets her. The last time we talked she said to me you have to come and get me to go to dancing lesson I really like it and it is good for me. I asked her that if I did do that would she actually do it given she had said the same to me about other things and then says no and to leave her alone. How she likes me to contact her keeps changing. And recently she said i offended her when i laughed at something that is causing her anxiety but I pointed out that she was laughing about it too and that I thought this was a way she liked get some of this stuff off her chest. She also swings between whether she wants a reality check friend or someone that just sits and listens. I want to be a friend she can rely on and trust. Please help me understand PTSD and help me put together a tool box so that I can be that. In appreciation Sally and the last time we talked I said that to her and as she was at that time getting offended by the way I was reacting to something she said, I was laughing but so was she and we had laughed about this topic before. She mentioned other things that were pissing her off and I said but this is the first time you have mentioned this, you actually told me that this is what you wanted (that she was not a morning person

karaokelover 16 Year Old Sister BPD
  • replies: 2

I’m 21, and my 16 year old sister started smoking weed about a year and half ago. Looking back on it now, I can basically pinpoint when her personality began to change. I (and my family and her mental health professionals) believe that the drug use t... View more

I’m 21, and my 16 year old sister started smoking weed about a year and half ago. Looking back on it now, I can basically pinpoint when her personality began to change. I (and my family and her mental health professionals) believe that the drug use triggered Borderline Personality Disorder (yes she cannot be diagnosed until 18 but all her psychiatrists are saying this). My sister went from being kind and sweet, to robbing service stations, doing all sorts of heavy drugs, having a lot of sex, shoplifting and getting into punch-ups in the city. She is currently dating a 19 year old boy who has been in and out of jail, most recently for armed assault. I am having a lot of trouble trying to come to terms with this new person my sister is, and as much as I can acknowledge her mental disorder I cannot forgive her or move past the crimes she has committed. I miss my little sister and I also miss having a support system in my mother, who understandably has no time for me anymore. Does anyone have any coping tips they can give me because I am really struggling and feeling very down about my family situation lately.

Mung Partner depression
  • replies: 1

Hi My partner suffers from depression. He also.drinks and smokes pot. He has become lately very hard to deal with and it is affecting our entire relationship. We have a child together and he becomes distant to the child as well when we argue. I will ... View more

Hi My partner suffers from depression. He also.drinks and smokes pot. He has become lately very hard to deal with and it is affecting our entire relationship. We have a child together and he becomes distant to the child as well when we argue. I will take some of the blame as I can be difficult as well. But at the moment it's like he actually hates me. I am trying to understand what depression is but I don't understand feelings as I don't feel that way. He says I am not supportive but when I try he just gets angry and tells me to just dont. I feel lately like he just doesn't care or like my side of things. This is starting to cause me anxiety and I don't mean to but get short tempted and start getting restless with baby. As I am exhausted. I work as well and do every thing else. It just seems sometimes he asks way too much of me and I think sometimes.I am falling into that dark hole and that i should just take baby and leave. He is a great dad but just at the moment we can't seem to stop.fighting all.the time and everything seems to be my fault. There's on my so much I can take... As to him it seems I don't do anything for him and that I am selfish. Please help

Jetrd Adult children with anxiety and gender issues
  • replies: 16

Hi, we have a child (early 20's) living with us who has withdrawn from society and is not working and has very limited friends. We have looked at all the government help and even private but now there is a wall up between us that stops all........all... View more

Hi, we have a child (early 20's) living with us who has withdrawn from society and is not working and has very limited friends. We have looked at all the government help and even private but now there is a wall up between us that stops all........all conversations. We are struggling with direction on any level. It seams any conversation will end up as a fight and we need help.