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Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Ezim What to do when your friend or loved one's mental health affects your own.
  • replies: 2

Hi, My oldest friend has diagnosed mental health issues (bi-polar) that they've been on meds and counselling, for almost two decades. They recently moved quite far away further shrinking their support network; and I had a baby a couple of years ago, ... View more

Hi, My oldest friend has diagnosed mental health issues (bi-polar) that they've been on meds and counselling, for almost two decades. They recently moved quite far away further shrinking their support network; and I had a baby a couple of years ago, which has further shrunken my support network. Our supposed closeness along with this friend's consistent unreliability in our friendship over the decades has taken a toll on my mental health too, specifically anxiety, with the 'if my best friend doesn't want to hang out with me, then i must be a bad friend' mantra dominating, I've never talked to a professional about this, as it felt self-indulgent in light of the weight of my friend's issue. I've recently seen a counsellor for post-natal depression over the last year though. Every time this friend cancels a catch up, which is almost always, I get really down, and it affects all my other relationships. I know I'm not alone in dealing with this kind of 'it's not really about you' rejection, but i'm struggling with it now. I'm especially struggling to care about putting more effort into this old friendship. It makes me really sad. How do other people deal with this in a productive way? Do you talk with the person openly about this? Do you have a specific meditation or meditative activity? Do you make yourself exercise? How do you not let it bring you down?

StaticRose51 Supporting someone with PTSD
  • replies: 3

Living with a person who has PTSD he is a retired cop from WA. do you have any suggestions about what I can to help him as he keeps ringing all the time and won't basically leave us alone to live by ourselves.

Living with a person who has PTSD he is a retired cop from WA. do you have any suggestions about what I can to help him as he keeps ringing all the time and won't basically leave us alone to live by ourselves.

Eliza2 How to help young adult daughter
  • replies: 4

I hope there is some light at the end of this long tunnel! My daughter is 22 and graduated from uni last year with a double degree and excellent grades. She now seems a different person, lost, unmotivated and disorganised. Maybe she has depression an... View more

I hope there is some light at the end of this long tunnel! My daughter is 22 and graduated from uni last year with a double degree and excellent grades. She now seems a different person, lost, unmotivated and disorganised. Maybe she has depression and anxiety but I don’t know as she becomes hostile when I suggest she gets counselling or medical help. I have anxiety myself and it is some days it is hard to know if I am imagining that she has a problem -or just my own anxiety talking. I get very depressed when I see her sitting around in front of the computer or crap tv while we her parents go out every day and work hard to pay the bills. I bring up the topic of getting help regularly with her. Have tried kindness, tough love, and yelling! Any ideas to persuade this young adult to move forward would be most welcome!

bjames Family & friends constantly interfering with me
  • replies: 4

Hi all, I need some advice on this one. I had serious depression some years back and suffer from anxiety. I've pretty much isolated myself and am housebound but am happy or content living in my bubble. It is a far cry from where I was a few years bac... View more

Hi all, I need some advice on this one. I had serious depression some years back and suffer from anxiety. I've pretty much isolated myself and am housebound but am happy or content living in my bubble. It is a far cry from where I was a few years back and it is just refreshing to wake up every morning with no anxiety issues and to not have spells of depression and sleeping my days away. All in all, I've carved out a life that I quite enjoy now and I am content. The problem is, is that family and friends constantly find this unacceptable. I'm not the same person I used to be (to them) as understandably so because I don't go out, don't socialise, don't go to family gatherings and don't see anyone. This is the opposite of the person I used to be. In my darkest days, all i wanted to do is feel like I used to feel and wake up feeling normal and get through the day. For the past few years I've regained that "normal" feeling on a day to day basis and I find things in my life that excite me. For me, my life is now fulfilling. It is certainly not ideal and I do miss a lot of things I used to do or be, but I am content and far far removed from where I came from. The problem is, to those on the outside, I am wasting away, throwing my life away, a shadow of the person I used to be, unhealthy, isolated etc. I've cut off personal contact with a lot of family and friends and they find this unacceptable and no matter what I say, they NEVER understand. I TOTALLY understand their point of view and if I were in their shoes, I would feel exactly the same. However, the cycle is a great cause of frustration and anger for me. By "the cycle" I mean, I go through the same crap every 6 months it seems where I have a big fight with either a friend or a family member about my life or situation. It causes me A LOT of stress and a great deal of anger. I'm at the stage where I am about to lose a friend because they just don't get it and the constantly feel as they need to go behind my back to my family. I've had 4 episodes where this person has done the same thing and after each time they have said, "ok, i won't interfere any more". Then 6 months goes by and it is as if the previous times never happened. I've already lost very close family members because they just fail to understand and their solution is to just not have any contact at all (I've always had contact, just not in person). If it is not my friends, it is family interfering. Why can't they just accept it?

Freffles Income Protection for parent unable to work due to caring for teen
  • replies: 2

Hi, first post. It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short. I am 58 and caring for my 14yo daughter. She's had a rough few years due to bullying at school etc and then last year we puller her out of school to homeschool. My wife was diagnosed wi... View more

Hi, first post. It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short. I am 58 and caring for my 14yo daughter. She's had a rough few years due to bullying at school etc and then last year we puller her out of school to homeschool. My wife was diagnosed with cancer in July last year and passed away in October. We've been struggling since. We have basically no family or support system in place in Melbourne. My daughter was lashing out a bit so I took her to the GP got a mental health plan and had about 12 or so sessions with a psychologist. Probably borderline personality. In March she started some dangerous behaviors. These behaviors have continues and we've now been to the ER 15 plus times including about 6 or 7 trips with Ambos and police. Most of these behaviors have been not serious suicide attempts, rather more intended to attract attention / cry for help. I did try to go back to work in January for two days a week in the office and three at home but I've effectively been unable to work since just before easter. I cannot leave her alone for 5 minutes even or she's up to something to self harm. I have my own mental health plan sitting on my dresser since March but I cant do anything with it because I can't leave her. We've been in the ELMHS system for a while now and she's been to Stepping Stones 5 or 6 times. I'm at the end of my rope, worn out, helpless and hopeless. My employer has been accommodation but I'm getting close to the end of the line regarding income. I have "income protection" as part of my super but I suspect that would apply if I was unable to work due to my illness rather than being unable to work due to the illness of my daughter. I wonder if there is anyone out there with knowledge of these issues. I'm afraid that I will lose everything.

Shenae Getting it wrong
  • replies: 3

My Husband has had depression for as long as I have known him. Over the last couple of years both depression and anxiety have caused him much grief. He is on meds, sees both a Psych and GP regularly but nothing seems to help. He doesn't have a job, o... View more

My Husband has had depression for as long as I have known him. Over the last couple of years both depression and anxiety have caused him much grief. He is on meds, sees both a Psych and GP regularly but nothing seems to help. He doesn't have a job, our relationship is suffering and I dont know what to say to him without sounding critical. I try to be positive for him but I think everything I say comes out wrong. I sometimes think it's best I say nothing at all . I am at a loss.

Bulletin_Board_Archive Perfectionist wife is constantly tired and angry
  • replies: 10

Originally posted by:Matt on 9 December 2012 I love my wife of 10 years dearly but dont know where to turn. We have 2 wonderful kids aged 5 & 2 who can be a handful from time to time - as most can. She loves them a lot but is unfortunately very short... View more

Originally posted by:Matt on 9 December 2012 I love my wife of 10 years dearly but dont know where to turn. We have 2 wonderful kids aged 5 & 2 who can be a handful from time to time - as most can. She loves them a lot but is unfortunately very short tempered and seems to yell at one of us every day. She is a self confessed control freak who says she gets anxious and is always tired and stressed and on the go. She has been on antidepressants in the past but doesnt want to use them long term. I am over the constant anger and yelling and swearing and controlling behaviour that she exhibits where nothing I do is good enough and she gets very annoyed when she doesnt get her way. She wont talk about it with me as she views this as me overreacting and nagging. She doesnt have any real close friends to talk to and her family is interstate. I miss the fun times we had and the smile and laughter from years ago. She has no interest in intimacy, and gets annoyed with me if I am not there at the drop of a hat to help when she is stressed out - I am patient by nature and can deal with these situations better. I give her time out every weekend where I look after the kids and she goes out alone, but she will still come home and find something to get annoyed with. Any advice would be most grateful Interested in replying to this thread and not already a member of our forums? Join up here. RELATED THREADS My wife has anxiety but won't seek help My wife suffers depression and is nasty to me My wife isn't coping with our 3 year old Cannot abandon my wife BPD sufferer Help me to help my depressed wife If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

WD101 Narcissist aged father refusing care
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm looking for advice on a stressful situation. My father has narcissistic personality disorder (not officially diagnosed, just obvious), and has controlled and manipulated people all his life. He is now 87, and losing his memory. Sometimes he c... View more

Hi, I'm looking for advice on a stressful situation. My father has narcissistic personality disorder (not officially diagnosed, just obvious), and has controlled and manipulated people all his life. He is now 87, and losing his memory. Sometimes he can't remember to cook, he leaves the stove on, and can't remember what he needed at the shops. His partner of more than 10 years is suddenly leaving him, selling the house they live in and taking everything, threatening to leave him on the street. I can't blame her for that, but he needs care and she's too angry with him to help organise it. The path of least resistance for her is also to just accept it when he says he's fine to live alone and doesn't need her. He currently needs somewhere to live, but will not admit he needs help. He gets extremely angry when the topic is discussed, I've tried to raise it several times and he hangs up on me and tells me not to call or visit. Then he forgets we had the conversation, but each time I try he has the same reaction. I don't believe he can or will ever admit he needs help as that would be admitting weakness. He tells people he's cured cancer in several people and has constant delusions of grandeur. We had a NSW aged care person visit, but he lied to them about how capable he was and they believed him. I called them to fill them in but they said without his consent they can't organise any care for him. I'm worried he'll go to live on this own, not remember to pay his bills, leave the stove on or forget to cook and either have an accident or get sick and decline further. He doesn't have any money, can't save it (he spends compulsively) and doesn't have any friends. I don't live anywhere near him and travel a lot and can't help much, also for my own survival I'd rather stay low contact or no contact. He left my mum and our family over 20 years ago, but there is no-one else to look out for him. Thanks for any help.

BookNerdNelly Father with Depression that Leads to Anger
  • replies: 1

Hi, I am posting because I have no idea what to do. My Dad has had depression since I was born. However he has episodes where he becomes really angry, and begins threatening my Mum and swearing. He also starts punching himself and stuff around him. H... View more

Hi, I am posting because I have no idea what to do. My Dad has had depression since I was born. However he has episodes where he becomes really angry, and begins threatening my Mum and swearing. He also starts punching himself and stuff around him. He also takes off in his car, and doesn’t come back for hours. He basically blames everyone around him for his problems, and makes all the rest of our lives miserable. I have always been worried about my Mum as she always gets the worse of it, but I am worried for my brother as well. He takes a concoction of medications for numerous health issues. Apparently last night he tried to overdose, but was stopped by my brother. So I just want some help on how to deal with this to improve our lives and his? The problem is he doesn’t think anything is wrong with him, and it is all my Mum’s fault and she is ruining his life. I don’t know everything about their marriage but I know his reactions aren’t normal. So I need some advice on how to approach the situation or at least help my Mum do it.

Lizzie01 How do you determine whether someone is mentally ill?
  • replies: 7

I am having difficulty with my husband's step daughter. She has recently had a relationship breakup and is now the sole parent of a 3 year old. While she has always been somewhat difficult, and has never liked me or accepted my presence in my husband... View more

I am having difficulty with my husband's step daughter. She has recently had a relationship breakup and is now the sole parent of a 3 year old. While she has always been somewhat difficult, and has never liked me or accepted my presence in my husband's life, she seems to have deteriorated recently. Of course, she is having a tough time, and we are trying to help her, by babysitting her son, and supporting her. However she is surly, difficult, selfish and ungrateful. After perfectly normal and respectful encounters, she sends my husband text messages saying the visit was unpleasant. It is confusing and upsetting. I can't tell whether she is having some kind of a breakdown, or if she is just behaving badly. She has had mental health problems before, and has taken anti-depressants in the past, although I am not sure if she is currently taking them. I don't know how to help her.