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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Determined_mother Supporting a teenager with depression- how do you continue their education?
  • replies: 14

Hi, I am caring for a teenager with depression and other parents experiencing this may relate to problems i encounter in trying to keep him engaged with school. The education process requires motivation and this is absent as part of depression. There... View more

Hi, I am caring for a teenager with depression and other parents experiencing this may relate to problems i encounter in trying to keep him engaged with school. The education process requires motivation and this is absent as part of depression. There is some understanding from teachers but they are busy and generally overlook the needs of a student that is absent. A student with a physical illness will get sympathy, phone calls about how they are, cards from the tute groups, facebook posts saying " get well" . A student with depression is ignored ( my experience anyway) . Maybe unable to explain to teachers and other students why they are absent or not able to get work done because of the stigma attached to mental health illness. Meanwhile, life is busy for teenagers, the expectation is they progress through school years, participate in sport, attend parties and have lots of friends. Also that they will know what they are going to do on leaving school, be able to select subjects and plan career pathways. So the teenager that is unwell with depression is left out, left behind and deals with reminders of this exclusion from social media, ignorant teachers and even extended family who might ask something simple like " are you going to the formal, what are you going to do when you finish school, do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend? ". So I feel sad for what my teenage child is missing and feel angry at times that our school is ignorant of his needs. i don't know that there is a solution but if you have read this, thanks for "listening" .

Mishkii Worried for a loved one
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone. Someone I love dearly is struggling with life, she has for years but the last 5 have been getting gradually harder for her, she’s in her early 20’s and has been self harming for years, she cries regularly on a daily basis and leaving the... View more

Hi everyone. Someone I love dearly is struggling with life, she has for years but the last 5 have been getting gradually harder for her, she’s in her early 20’s and has been self harming for years, she cries regularly on a daily basis and leaving the house is almost impossible lately. she has just quit her job as she can’t handle her crippling depression and anxiety, she has dropped out of tafe for the same reason, she’s now going to be cut off Centrelink because she can’t work or study. She has been trying to find a psych to talk to but they either move or she gets hand balled to someone else, there’s been no one consistent and no one she trusts which is so important to her or she won’t go to appointments. she is on meds but I’m not sure how well they are working for her, does she need a gp and a psych to prescribe her meds? Ultimately she needs to see one person that she can talk to and call if she needs and to work with her meds until she finds one that works, someone who can offer her advice and knows the system, does that role exist? The less appointments with different people the better as it’s so hard for her to get to them. she has no money for rent, or at all, she can hardly leave the house, she’s surffering so much and I don’t know how to help her, I don’t know the system and how it works? How do you get Centrelink when you are crippled by anxiety? Is that a thing and what do you need to be eligible? Any advice would be great, All I want is for her not to hurt, she needs a break from stressing about money and going to work, she needs time to sort herself out and have a break from the mental strain. thankyou in advance.

oopie Husband's OCD
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone Just wanting to get some advice in relation to my husband and his OCD. As some background, we have been together 10 years. He has always had OCD, but at first it didn't have a negative impact on us. The compulsions were mild and it was ju... View more

Hi everyone Just wanting to get some advice in relation to my husband and his OCD. As some background, we have been together 10 years. He has always had OCD, but at first it didn't have a negative impact on us. The compulsions were mild and it was just something he got on with. We built a brand new house together back in 2015 and that's when our problems really started. It was again, no big deal at first. His main concerns are around household cleanliness and order, but in an effort to keep the new house looking like a display home it felt like he was forever cleaning. Our daughter came along in 2016, and things escalated from there. I had to do things like feed in the bathroom, so that milk couldn't accidentally mess up the kitchen or get on the carpet, and dirty baby clothes just got thrown away instead of being washed. We also went through a period of only feeding the now toddler outside, for fear of getting the kitchen and dining room dirty. He is now past that but instead has banned certain foods from being eaten in the house. We have also now gotten to the point of not using the oven or stove anymore because of the mess it creates and the cleaning involved afterwards. I understand the anxiety my husband faces every single day, but it is now putting a lot of strain on our relationship. For the most part my husband is good with me and doesn't expect me to go around cleaning like he does, but there must be at least one lecture a day about something I have done wrong. I am starting to feel as though I cannot do anything right and I cannot make him happy. I also worry about the effects this is having on my 2 year old. Already she loves cleaning and sorting things, and is obsessed with washing her hands, and I often wonder whether it is just because she sees her father doing it or whether she may have inherited the condition. He went through a brief stint on medication but the side effects were awful, he couldn't sleep and became depressed. The medication also only slightly lessened the anxiety, it obviously couldn't stop the obsessive thoughts. I really think that speaking to a psychologist or counsellor is the answer, but he doesn't want to do this as doesn't believe it will help. I wondered if anyone could offer any advice on how to help him, or how I can talk to him and convince him to seek more help? Thank you in advance.

FarFromHome Do I go home?
  • replies: 2

My husband stopped talking to me a week ago. This happens every now and then so I just tried letting him know I was there and giving him some space. I had a weekend trip with friends planned so I thought that would be good to give him that space. Aft... View more

My husband stopped talking to me a week ago. This happens every now and then so I just tried letting him know I was there and giving him some space. I had a weekend trip with friends planned so I thought that would be good to give him that space. After I had left, he messaged me to say that he wasn’t handling things well but that it wasn’t me or us. He told me to continue with my trip when I said I’d come home. Now that I’m away, he continued being very short with responses until he eventually blocked me (after I said it was snowing - I was trying to keep convo light) then I noticed a large chunk of money missing from our savings account. I tried asking him about it but I was blocked. So I asked his mum if he was alright and if he was home (we live with my in laws) she said he was but that she had been concerned about him. I told her about the money and she then spoke to him. I then got an abbusive text from him and have now been told not to come home for a while and that now he does have an issue with us. He has now taken off. Did I do the right thing in telling his mum? And should I stay away as requested? I’m worried he’ll destroy our marriage before he seeks help.

Netti How do I help?
  • replies: 7

Thank you for the warm welcome. This is my first post. My wonderful husband of 34yrs has struggled with depression for a long time. He hasn’t had much luck with medical support and I am concerned that his medication hasn’t been reviewed for a while. ... View more

Thank you for the warm welcome. This is my first post. My wonderful husband of 34yrs has struggled with depression for a long time. He hasn’t had much luck with medical support and I am concerned that his medication hasn’t been reviewed for a while. So he tries to soldier on without much support, but that’s not ideal. I try to keep the calm, handle life gently, and pick up the pieces when they break off the rollercoaster. Not sure what I should or should not be doing. He doesn’t accept help easily - that’s probably my biggest hurdle. Again, thank you for the welcome, and the forum.

Elainem Partner with anxiety and ocd
  • replies: 11

Hi guys my partner has recently gone into a mental health clinic for some specialist help he has ocd obsessive thoughts and social anxiety.I was just wondering if anyone who has these conditions can give me some advice about how to be the best partne... View more

Hi guys my partner has recently gone into a mental health clinic for some specialist help he has ocd obsessive thoughts and social anxiety.I was just wondering if anyone who has these conditions can give me some advice about how to be the best partner I can be. I love my partner dearly and wont to support and help Him as much as I can. Any info would be great.

LeeA18 Alcohol reliance
  • replies: 9

My now ex-boyfriend has spiraled into depression and has admitted to me that he has been drinking a lot. He seems quite lost and, although I can’t fix him, I’d love to here ways that others have helped a love one stop drinking. He has pushed me away ... View more

My now ex-boyfriend has spiraled into depression and has admitted to me that he has been drinking a lot. He seems quite lost and, although I can’t fix him, I’d love to here ways that others have helped a love one stop drinking. He has pushed me away but we still talk via text and phone and he does listen to me. I am unsure of how much support he is getting as well.

supportiveother Centrelink Sickness Allowance
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone else has had issues with their loved one applying for Centrelink. My partner suffers severe depression but at the moment also has a physical injury preventing him from working so he's applied for Sickness Allowa... View more

Hi all, I was just wondering if anyone else has had issues with their loved one applying for Centrelink. My partner suffers severe depression but at the moment also has a physical injury preventing him from working so he's applied for Sickness Allowance based on the injury and an upcoming surgery etc. However, its been five weeks since his application began and weeks since they received confirmation from his Employer that he is employed and he's been told multiple times that the application is processing but no one can give him a time frame. Without having any income he's struggling financially which puts a strain on myself because I do help him out but also because I can see how much its affecting his mental health that he has to rely on other people for food etc. I guess my question is if anyone else had to deal with this and how long it took your loved one to start receiving payments etc. Thanks, M x

Domino96 My girlfriend with depression felt she had to break up with me to get better
  • replies: 2

So as the title suggests, my girlfriend who is 18 and I am 22, broke up with me. I know she had depression and anxiety and history of suicidal thoughts in her past. We dated for around 6months but in that time we have had great moments, but also upse... View more

So as the title suggests, my girlfriend who is 18 and I am 22, broke up with me. I know she had depression and anxiety and history of suicidal thoughts in her past. We dated for around 6months but in that time we have had great moments, but also upsetting moments. Early on, she was an alcoholic and constantly felt she had to drink to stop feeling the emotions she felt while upset. She recently found out she has Celiac disease and had to stop drinking to feel better. But during our past she tried breaking up with me while drunk because she felt I was too good for her, that I cared too much for her. I stuck around and showed her how much I cared for her. She felt so happy and constantly showed her love for me and said things like "You have my heart". But I noticed if I wasn't there for her she would give me a cold shoulder. But some days later she would apologise and say she wants to work on these things so she can be better for me. Fast forward to now, she had a lot going on. She found out her grandpa had cancer and was dying and she also had to change her diet due to no gluten but also found out she couldn't have dairy either. She went away for the funeral and asked for some days space. We had an argument the night before she left, I never meant for it to happen but it did. She felt like she couldn't depend on me because I let her down by not telling my room mate I wanted the TV so I could watch TV with her. During that weekend I tried to give her space (I know I need to work on this) and I sent her some messages to let her know I was here but I also just did everything wrong and unintentionally hurt her and she felt so hurt about it. She told me the funeral wasn't the worst thing that weekend but was me. She came back and we talked and she felt it was best if we broke up so she can work on controlling her emotions and being able to think clearer. I tried to tell her we didnt have to break up for her to get better but she felt that was the only option and said we should try being friends for a month or two and maybe try again. I agreed on this and tried being her friend but she felt like we couldnt be just friends after a couple days of trying and needs space of maybe a few weeks or a month or two. But still says she loves me. I want to give her space but I now understand that depression might be controlling this. What can I do? I dont think I can not talk to her for so long. I want her back but I want her to talk to me now and not in a month.

EdenH Husband suffers from depression but wont seek help
  • replies: 10

Hi guys, I've joined this site to get some insights/advice from people who have been in my situation o n both sides of the coin. I'm 34 and have been married for 18 months and been with my husband for 2.5 years. We have a 9 month old daughter. We're ... View more

Hi guys, I've joined this site to get some insights/advice from people who have been in my situation o n both sides of the coin. I'm 34 and have been married for 18 months and been with my husband for 2.5 years. We have a 9 month old daughter. We're both from the UK so have no close family to reply on. My husband suffers from depression which up until now I have been able to deal with. Now we have a child I am finding it harder and harder to keep it together and put up with a husband that has seemingly checked out of the life we are creating. He has no enthusiasm or motivation to do anything. Isn't interested in me sexually let alone holding a decent conversation. I've noticed that lately he has taken a turn for the worse. He's not been himself for a while now and it's causinhg me to be miserable. I try to make things as nice and happy as I can at home and take on the load, he works late and gets stressed with work, ends up not seeing our child at all and falls asleep on the couch. He is also always tired and I've given up suggesting going to bed early and not falling asleep on the couch. I know he is struggling as he told me but I am too and I've reached my limit. I've had enough. I'm feeling crap myself, and like I'm doing everything for the family. My husband has been medicated before I knew him but came off them as he said they made him 'numb'. He's also spoken to someone a long time ago but again says it was a waste of time and money. I have suggested speaking to someone about it but he's not interested. He said that with exercise and sleep he'll be good again. I know these things will help but they wont address the underlying issue. We do the same dance every 6-9 months and I've had enough of it. I'm willing to go to counselling but he just wont. I'm rambling and if you've made it this far well done to you! I just really need some advice on how to deal with this as I feel my health is being compromised and I cannot allow that to happen, especially now I have my child to think about. I'm seeing a counsellor next week (alone). If anything at least I can get some coping strategies, but to be honest, if things don't improve then I will leave and I have told him this. Thanks for any advice x