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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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vp82 How can I help my obese husband
  • replies: 4

I’m really lost now. My husband is overweight and I don’t know how to help him. He eats rubbish all the time.One day something will happen, his organs won’t work properly.. I don’t know.We have a 3y/o daughter and I’m scared he know the weight is out... View more

I’m really lost now. My husband is overweight and I don’t know how to help him. He eats rubbish all the time.One day something will happen, his organs won’t work properly.. I don’t know.We have a 3y/o daughter and I’m scared he know the weight is out control but looks like he’s given up and he doesn’t care.

space2talk No Space
  • replies: 2

I'm really new to this. I've been seeing this person for 8 months, and he only had 2 good months, and has been pretty overwhelmed with work (and then life) since. How do you deal with not being able to share what is going on in your life? My partner ... View more

I'm really new to this. I've been seeing this person for 8 months, and he only had 2 good months, and has been pretty overwhelmed with work (and then life) since. How do you deal with not being able to share what is going on in your life? My partner is so overwhelmed or sad, and he shuts down... either building toy models or sleeping. When he comes up for air - once a week/every two weeks - it's only to talk about his own niche interests. Everything else is "too much."When I talk about my life - work, decisions, university (mature learner) - he shuts down. He couldn't tell me who I spend time with, the name of the school I started working at 3 months ago, or which city I am working in. When I ask him about what is going on for him, he shuts down... and despite how much I support him, he's often snappy at me.Our relationship is kind of revolving around how much juice he has, which revolves around his work satisfaction. How do you cope?

Niks85 My mums OCD is getting worse what to do
  • replies: 3

Hi therefirst of all thanks for taking the time to read this. My mum has severe enough OCD but refuses to talk about it or get help. I remember when I was a child I would have friends stay over and they would ask me why my mum was shaking the locks I... View more

Hi therefirst of all thanks for taking the time to read this. My mum has severe enough OCD but refuses to talk about it or get help. I remember when I was a child I would have friends stay over and they would ask me why my mum was shaking the locks I used to think it was the norm. My mum has always washed her hands hundreds of times during the day until her hands turn red. She washes everything before using it including the kettle. She also unplugs everything before leaving the house including the oven and it takes a long time of lock checking before leaving the house. I have bipolar disorder and last year I was having relationship problems and ended up in hospital with severe stress. It was recommended that I do a week or two program to help me cope which meant staying in a house and getting therapy like a rehab centre. I have a three year old daughter and I asked my mum who doesn’t work if she could help care for her grandchild so I could get help . She said no she doesn’t want to stay in our house and I know it’s because of her germ phobia so I never ended up getting the therapy because I had nobody else to look after our daughter. My husband had started a new casual job and couldn’t get time off I was so angry because she didn’t help because of germs. My dad often calls me to tell me he’s at his wits end she’s so miserable he wants a divorce. We both try and support her because she was sexually abused as a child so we tolerate her behaviour and support her even though she refuses help or to even recognise she has a problem. My mum is also very opinionated about everyone and just a very unhappy human being. Today I got so angry I cancelled our trip to see them. I asked if we could camp at their property instead of pay for accommodation and she said no because their other guests my brother and his partner won’t like us sharing the bathroom. I can’t take it anymore I need a break from her but I feel guilty taking a break my mum only has one friend of her own and she lives in the uk. I’m the only close friend she has left So I feel bad. My mum told me my daughter who is possibly autistic waiting on the assessment mum said she has autism because I went into hospital last year. She constantly tells me how I should parent even though I’m 110% devoted to my daughter. I love mum but is it bad that I want a break? Was thinking of writing her a letter she lives 5 hours drive away and begging her to get therapy

ConcernedDad Bipolar
  • replies: 15

Hello, I’m new to all this, just jumped on to try to get some understanding of what my daughter is going through, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been in hospital now for 5 weeks. Her mood and thoughts are way out there and it hurts m... View more

Hello, I’m new to all this, just jumped on to try to get some understanding of what my daughter is going through, she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been in hospital now for 5 weeks. Her mood and thoughts are way out there and it hurts me seeing her going through all this.

Birdy2022 My grandson
  • replies: 11

Hi i need help , my grandson is 6yrs old very voilent , he is at school, he is physically violent with other children, throws chairs, and much more. at home very abusive trashes his room, dont sleep, kicks and spits etc. he is on medication given to ... View more

Hi i need help , my grandson is 6yrs old very voilent , he is at school, he is physically violent with other children, throws chairs, and much more. at home very abusive trashes his room, dont sleep, kicks and spits etc. he is on medication given to people with ADHD, suppended from school today for violent behaviour with other kids. please any help welcomed . no one listens

Dazza73 Long Distance Relationships
  • replies: 2

Hi.I have 3 adult children. I have met a woman who still has children ages 12, 10 & 7.She seems cool, however, she lives a 3 hour drive from me. We’ve been on one date and had a great time. As much as I like her, I’m starting to feel it’ll be a big c... View more

Hi.I have 3 adult children. I have met a woman who still has children ages 12, 10 & 7.She seems cool, however, she lives a 3 hour drive from me. We’ve been on one date and had a great time. As much as I like her, I’m starting to feel it’ll be a big commitment to move to her area to be a step parent & be a partner. I do want to know her better, but I’m also concerned being in a parental role for another 12 years. Has anyone else been in this situation?How does one handle such matters? Thanks….

lost-my-life Ptsd and addiction
  • replies: 5

Just wondering how other spouses cope with PTSD and addiction. We are / do see a psych and he is on medications and has gone through the alcohol abuse program and stopped drinking. He has now regressed and is lying about his abuse of alcohol and pain... View more

Just wondering how other spouses cope with PTSD and addiction. We are / do see a psych and he is on medications and has gone through the alcohol abuse program and stopped drinking. He has now regressed and is lying about his abuse of alcohol and pain killers. He has had several car accidents that I believe are medication related and recently I have had three major health issues where he just ha simply been unable to help as he has been off his face. I feel alone, abandoned by him with any conversation I try to have ends in him walking away with anger. All the psychs etc say not to be judge mental or nag or attack a PTSD person, so I have tried every suggested approach but nothing is changing. I carry the burden of running our whole house now, when I owned a business he blamed the buisness for everything but now I have sold it he is helping less than when I had the buisness, the only time he is motivated is when he wants to do something for himself. What goals we set together go out the window when this happens with the excuse of I forgot. We make weekly goals which we write on a chalk board on our fridge which he goes to all the time during the day? Im running out of ways and would welcome any suggestions that work for others.

M-_ase Blue Daughter
  • replies: 1

my daughter is 37 this year, she has always suffered depression, self medicates with alcohol mainly but does use other drugs if available to her. She just separated from her partner of 9 years o ly about 6 or7 weeks ago as they were both drinking to ... View more

my daughter is 37 this year, she has always suffered depression, self medicates with alcohol mainly but does use other drugs if available to her. She just separated from her partner of 9 years o ly about 6 or7 weeks ago as they were both drinking to much and it was getting to toxic and violent. They still kept in touch helping each other out. He called her on Wednesday and said they could they catch up. He was in pain as he was having hip surgery in a week. He called her again and said not to worry about it. He died that afternoon. My girl found out the next morning and is just wipeing herself out and was found sitting in the train bridge drinking and luckily a lady found her and walked her home. She is the type of person that gets overly stressed at very small things. She has struggled for the last 15 to 10 years with depression, and drug and alcohol use. I can't have her around me for to long, 2 to 4 days before she is uncontrollable and screaming to the point where I want to hit her. I love her but can't handle her, she won't go to rehabilitation and has said on quite numerous occasions that she might as well be dead and that she should just kill herself. As her partner just passed away it really has hit her hard as he was the only person she would turn to and for it to all go the way it did I just don't know what she is going to do and I don't know what to do. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

eddie_e I see no alternative but to leave alcoholic wife
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. * Married for almost 18 years* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job* Lost several more jobs due to drinking whi... View more

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. * Married for almost 18 years* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job* Lost several more jobs due to drinking while at work* Has previously hocked/pawned wedding & engagement rings to get a drink* Has been in numerous car accidents with our 12 year old daughter in the car, thankfully nothing serious, but still frightening (especially to a child)* Several DUI's including licence suspension(s)* So much more that I'm either forgetting right now or just don't have time to type I acknowledge I am/have been an enabler, I think it's time to stop. My work has been ok with the time I have sometimes had to take off due to caring for my daughter etc. but in order to pay bills I need to work, simple as that, but other than my fortnightly wage there is no other source of income that would allow me to simply pack a bag, have my daughter do the same, and just leave. Where would we go? My daughter has school, and likes it, likes going there, she has established friendships/relationships that may not be able to continue should we have to leave. Weekend sport that she has signed up for but may not be able to continue. It would be a devastating change of life for her (and obviously not in a good way), it breaks my heart. Everytime I speak to my wife about the drinking, I get at least one of the 3 standard responses: I KNOW I'M SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I have always said that the worst word in the world (in my opinion) is HATE. It just doesn't sound like a nice word, no matter how you put it or say it. So my belief has slways been that I really don't hate anyone or anything. Except alcohol. Seeing what it is doing to my wife, and what it is doing to our family, I truly hate it. Hate hearing ads on the radio about it, hate seeing ads for it on TV, hate anyone at work talking about it, just hate hate hate it. With a passion. Anyway, that turned into a rambling rant. Happy for anyone to offer advice, ask questions. Like I said I am at a crossroads not really knowing how to proceed, any assistance or support would definitely be appreciated. Thanks.

Dosa Dealing with wife and daughter
  • replies: 1

I’m currently dealing with potential mental health issues with both my wife and daughter. My daughter (8) has had a major change in her behaviour since late last year which has included mood changes, crying uncontrollably for hours, not wanting to sl... View more

I’m currently dealing with potential mental health issues with both my wife and daughter. My daughter (8) has had a major change in her behaviour since late last year which has included mood changes, crying uncontrollably for hours, not wanting to sleep, not wanting to go to school or any extra curricular activities. She has gotten so bad now that she has not been to school this week and completely changes her mood every time we mention it. We have been trying to coax some answers from her as to why she doesn’t want to go to school and on Monday my wife had what we thought was a breakthrough in that my daughter told her that one of the reasons why she was sad/angry was due to being forced to do a dance class and concert when she really didn’t want to because she was scared and was being told off by the instructor. Also believe the other kids may have been teasing her as well. My wife called me at work on Monday morning to tell me me what she had said and was absolutely beside herself, struggling to breathe and just really upset. I came straight home and we just sat with our daughter who was fine again and very happy to sit with mum. My wife spent most of the day crying and said that this had triggered her in relation to her childhood but didn’t elaborate. (She has previously told me there was some sexual abuse when she was younger). Everything calmed down over the day and I offered to stay home the next day but my wife thought it would be ok and suggested that I go back to work on Tuesday. On Tuesday morning I got a very similar phone call from my wife saying that my daughter was saying some terrible things to her and she was struggling to handle it. I returned home straight away and found my daughter in a normal happy mood and my wife absolutely beside herself again. I have since been able to work from home, which I think is the right thing to do for both my wife and daughter but now I’m not sure I can work with our situation as it is. We have got my daughter in to see a psychologist and she has had one session and isn’t booked in again for another two weeks. She seems to have escalated and now refuses to go to school and I don’t know how to deal with that. My wife has also seemed to get worse and is showing signs of depression or something like that and I am struggling to deal with that as well. To be honest I don’t know where to start