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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Skitzeejulz Who’s looking after me
  • replies: 2

Hi I am a grandmother with full time care of 3 of my grandchildren until they all reach 18.I also have a partner that has been diagnosed with being on the spectrum, my girls all have ptsd, 2 have adhd, 1 on the spectrum as well. My husband is struggl... View more

Hi I am a grandmother with full time care of 3 of my grandchildren until they all reach 18.I also have a partner that has been diagnosed with being on the spectrum, my girls all have ptsd, 2 have adhd, 1 on the spectrum as well. My husband is struggling with the fact he has no idea who he is now and questions everything he says and does . so I am trying hard to support him everyday. I go to his therapy sessions and try hard not to confuse him or trigger his many traits. my eldest has ADHD and autism it is very hard to keep her from loosing it she is up and down from one hour to the next everything reminds her of the trauma she has experienced and she blames me for everything that doesn’t go right for her or if I don’t fix it straightaway . The middle one ADHD can’t have anything change or deviate from the plan or she goes nuts she also has trauma from not being fed so she has severe eating disorders. The youngest one 6 constantly lies snd causes trouble for all of us and well actually she enjoys it.Every week there is doctors , therapy or activities for them all.I have not even 5 minutes to myself and no where to turn. A friend who I confided in shook me by asking me who was looking after me in which I replied no one ?? I am invisible

Ranga-1 Worried About My Son
  • replies: 2

Hello. I have anxiety, but I'm doing this post about my son. He turns 20 in a few weeks. He's showing signs of depression. I have asked him if he's okay, but he says he is. He's withdrawn from study, and although he has a casual job, he doesn't get m... View more

Hello. I have anxiety, but I'm doing this post about my son. He turns 20 in a few weeks. He's showing signs of depression. I have asked him if he's okay, but he says he is. He's withdrawn from study, and although he has a casual job, he doesn't get many shifts. Therefore, he is at home a lot and on his new computer. The good thing is that some of his habits have changed - he hasn't touched weed for ages and he drinks very little, if at all. I know he's interacting and chatting with people when he's on the computer - I hear him talking, so I'm relieved he's not isolated. I'm concerned because some of his routine has changed - he hasn't been practising his drumming, and he is a keen drummer (this could be because of the novelty of his new computer). Also, he rarely showers. He will shower if he's got work etc, but he gets bogged into his computer and forgets to shower. It's not too bad because it's winter, although I'm sure if it were summer, he'd get into the shower! I'm concerned about his neglect of everyday hygiene and loss of interesting in his music. How can I help him?

CJO Having my first child with a partner who suffers with Depression, anxiety & ADHD and also does FIFO.
  • replies: 1

Hi all,I have been with my partner now for about 3 years. We have just had our first child who is now 4 months old. Becoming a new parent is one of the best things in the world, but some days it is challenging.We moved house, he changed jobs and we h... View more

Hi all,I have been with my partner now for about 3 years. We have just had our first child who is now 4 months old. Becoming a new parent is one of the best things in the world, but some days it is challenging.We moved house, he changed jobs and we have become new parents and it all happened so quickly so i guess life has been busy and overwhelming at times. My partner has been on antidepressants now for about 4 years. He has tried multiple and still feels like they do not work so he gets frustrated and is very hard on himself.. he also has ADHD but spoke with a psychiatrist who didn't recommend any medication which blows my mind.. he will sometimes drink when he feels overwhelmed and then gets panic attacks and can't function at all... I find it so hard to not get upset with him because he knows what alcohol does to him, but he still chooses to do it. When he drinks he isn't the same person and he can't control himself..Now we have a son it just makes everything so much harder.. It's not just me and him anymore.. We have had a terrible month where he couldn't come home because he had COVID so he stayed with his parents, then the one day i had contact with him i got it and then he went back to work.. so i was on my own for 3 weeks and had been sick and looking after a baby... i was tired, agitated, hadn't had a break and just really needed him.. It's really hard because I am trying to be a supportive partner because i know how tired he is when he gets home, but i just didn't have much left in me when he came home. I still left him to sleep in the spare room so he got a good sleep and the next day he last minute decided to meet friends for dinner and have a big night... and from their the next day couldn't function and for 3 days just slept... i now have a chest infection and am struggling...i'm angry and upset.. he said some things that he obviously doesn't mean because he is really down and i just feel so low... i feel alone.. when he is good he is a great Dad and partner and i really want to be supportive.. its just been a tough month.. I also just moved to a new town in which he is from so i barely no anyone and all of my family are over the other side of Australia...but i am getting out there and i am doing my best.. i just feel so annoyed that if he isn't ok i just always have to be the one to keep it together and allow him to feel better...but honestly right now I am not ok and i feel like that doesn't matter. Any words of wisdom please...

Doing-mybest Some help on what to do
  • replies: 1

Hi, where to start-been with my partner 6 years. He was a different person when we met and his demons have taken over and he is a shell of himself. Few very quick things: we haven’t been intimate in 5.5 years-no kissing, touching anything; he wanted ... View more

Hi, where to start-been with my partner 6 years. He was a different person when we met and his demons have taken over and he is a shell of himself. Few very quick things: we haven’t been intimate in 5.5 years-no kissing, touching anything; he wanted to move away from where I had everything to a new town where I am so alone my own mental health is struggling, I am basically parenting our two very young (3 and 8month old) children-because he can’t help-he hasn’t once changed a nappy of our 8 month old; he doesn’t work-is on leave due to his illness, I’m back full time but do everything-I mean everything-he sits home all; he doesn’t like when I have to stay at work to do my job-yet he does anything he wants; he tells me constantly I’m scary, I look funny, I say things in the wrong way (tone); he says I forget everything-funnily it’s just the conversations with him; our children are ivf and he tells me now he doesn’t want them-never did; I am paying all the bills basically off credit and getting more and more in trouble and he doesn’t care not help and says I’m rubbish at being a mum and my job-there and lots more but just get too sad thinking about it. Every few days is just another blow up at me about something I don’t even understand. The worst thing he tells me I don’t understand, I don’t get it and I don’t care. I reply with I don’t understand I’m sorry, I am have empathy for your situation and I care very much. I feel like he lies about getting help, our gp suggested a session with ‘his’ psyc together-he refuses to tell me who they are or when he goes. Not that I care, but just want him to talk to someone. I am so lost, I am tired and exhausted and don’t know what to do. I know he is there somewhere, but I can’t keep doing this. Please someone, anyone help with some advice, direction or anything. just a mum trying to do her best and survive.

BlueLily How to help a co-worker
  • replies: 3

If I know a co-worker is going through mental health issues but not prepared to talk about, is it still ok to offer help? Or can it have a negative impact knowing that colleagues are aware of their condition and make them feel more insecure? Thoughts... View more

If I know a co-worker is going through mental health issues but not prepared to talk about, is it still ok to offer help? Or can it have a negative impact knowing that colleagues are aware of their condition and make them feel more insecure? Thoughts and opinions are welcome as I am unsure what to do in this situation.

Guest_49039522 Supporting my husband and the father of my children while he has bipolar
  • replies: 2

I guess I am reaching out to hear that I am not alone. My husband and I have been together since 2000. 24 years. He has always struggled with mental health and we have had some bad times. We have 3 children. 2 adults and one 11yo. He has recently rea... View more

I guess I am reaching out to hear that I am not alone. My husband and I have been together since 2000. 24 years. He has always struggled with mental health and we have had some bad times. We have 3 children. 2 adults and one 11yo. He has recently realised that he has bipolar but has not yet reached out for help psychologically or medically. I feel that now he knows what is wrong he longer feels like he needs to mask his symptoms and he is really lashing out at us. My 11yo is coping the brunt force at the moment and I am really trying to protect her but he is getting worse. She is undergoing assessment for autism but he allows her no leeway on her behaviour. He doesn't understand that she cannot control herself. I am just struggling I guess. I don't know the right thing to do.

cgsha1 Helping my partner with psychosis
  • replies: 7

My partner suffers from an unusual form of hearing voices. He frequently hears derogatory comments added in whilst either me or someone else is talking, which can also be from the TV/radio. I can't find any helpful information or other similar cases ... View more

My partner suffers from an unusual form of hearing voices. He frequently hears derogatory comments added in whilst either me or someone else is talking, which can also be from the TV/radio. I can't find any helpful information or other similar cases because he doesn't hear any independent voices when nobody is talking. He says the comments are said in my voice and others voice exactly. He has suffered bipolar since he was 20, but this 'mishearing/added speech' started after he smoked ice/meth and weed a few times. He has not taken any drugs for over a year now but the psychosis is persisting. It has led to some delusions which have really hurt our relationship. The main delusion is that I am cheating. This is because he hears comments from me and other people confirming it all the time. For example, the TV at his medical clinic will say 'she is home cheating' or 'she prefers your friend X'. And he says he hears me tell him I'm cheating and prefer his friend constantly. It can be at really unbelievable times, such as the other day he heard me tell the children I teach maths too how much I hate him and prefer this other person. I seem to be the main focus, but he sometimes hears other comments like 'you're stupid or you are boring'. I can deny saying these things until I'm blue in the face, but at times he thinks 'the whole world' is trying to tell him the truth or believes I am 'slipping up' and speaking the truth during normal speech. I know this is absolutely not true but have to answer to constant accusations. He has also packed up all of his things and left for a short period of time at least 10 times over this delusion. There have been a few times when he has also been very verbally abusive and demeaning about me because he became convinced I was cheating, not just with his friend, but also with members of my own family. It makes me feel like I am never being treated like a trustworthy, faithful person. The comments are hurting us both and the delusions have led him to be hypervigilant of me. He checks my phone and sometimes passes my work to check I am there. He is already heavily medicated (both a depot and oral medication). I don't know how to cope or how to advise him. At times I have yelled out of frustration because I am denying what has been said for what feels like the thousandth time. I don't know if anyone has supported someone with something similar or if anyone has any advice, but it would be appreciated!

Teddie_123 Losing friends
  • replies: 4

Not long only about a couple days ago I lost 6 of my closest friends and my only friends, 3 of them texted me saying hey I’m really sorry but we don’t want to be your friend anymore it’s not because your not nice or whatever it’s because you put to m... View more

Not long only about a couple days ago I lost 6 of my closest friends and my only friends, 3 of them texted me saying hey I’m really sorry but we don’t want to be your friend anymore it’s not because your not nice or whatever it’s because you put to much pressure on us and are to clingy but I’ve said to them if I’m ever to clingy or annoying tell me but they didn’t so I don’t have friends now and I’ve been struggling with a ed and I fainted at school and one of my old friends was saying I was faking when I wasn’t and I have also been struggling with my mental health since I was 10 and I have autism so not many people get me now I don’t have friends and I have been crying so much and I haven’t been to school in a week people are telling me oh you will find new friends and more but I don’t want new friends I want them they were the best to me and now I feel like I don’t even deserve friends anymore, I wish I could be there friend so I can stop feeling like this but that’s probably not ever going to happen again I had so many good memories with them and now they just have disappeared and they keep looking at me like I’m some type of animal and we never knew each other.

Richard Teenage silence
  • replies: 3

Looking for advice for supporting my 16yo son who has been giving the silent treatment for 3 days now. He is isolating from school, friends and sport and not talking at all, opting to just stay in his room. I feel like we’ve tried all avenues but he’... View more

Looking for advice for supporting my 16yo son who has been giving the silent treatment for 3 days now. He is isolating from school, friends and sport and not talking at all, opting to just stay in his room. I feel like we’ve tried all avenues but he’s giving nothing. At what point do we reach out for help and how do we do that?For context he has experienced anxiety and bullying in the past, possibly still ongoing off and on and we have been seeking assistance from a psychologist.

Chewaldo Trying to support my Mum who hoards
  • replies: 6

I am slowly, after 11 years, coming to realise that I can't help my Mum with her hoarding, lack of cleaning, hermitting, nor seem to help with any of her underlying mental health issues of anxiety and depression. What I am struggling with, is the gui... View more

I am slowly, after 11 years, coming to realise that I can't help my Mum with her hoarding, lack of cleaning, hermitting, nor seem to help with any of her underlying mental health issues of anxiety and depression. What I am struggling with, is the guilt that she lives in this way and as her only child, that I can't seem to make any impact or help her in any real way. I have not once, but three times made the same huge mistake of cleaning her house (or in reality, spending all day cleaning one room), I know I can't do this again as it upset her terribly. I have encouraged her to have mental health support, psychological support, ACAT review, she refuses it all. And now more recently, I have the incredible guilt that I have actually enjoyed the respite of not seeing her throughout Covid lockdown. And I know I am putting off having her over to my place to resume our weekly dinners (her only activity out of her house and her only time she gets to speak with her grandchildren - or anyone at all). I am annoyed that she has told me that during isolation she "was able to live the life I have always wanted to" and that she is the happiest she has ever been. But I realise I am punishing her for saying those things and I feel terrible about my lack of compassion - I should really invite her over. Considering hoarding is supposed to be such a big community issue that affects a lot of people, I don't know of anyone else who discusses it. And I definitely don't know anyone who is trying to help their Mother live with this. My hope through writing this thread is that I will meet others like myself, who know what it is like. Don't get me wrong, it can be funny - the lounge chair covered in hundreds of shoulder pads as if preparing for a huge 80s revival was humerous, but it can also be gut wrenchingly and overwhelmingly sad. I hope someone can relate to this.