Immediate support
Immediate support

Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Start a discussion

kathryn01 anxiety and depression
  • replies: 6

everyday i wake up scared all day. am on my own and find it impossible to deal with. its been going on for 25yrs and what do i do? i've seen people and it doesnt help. kathryn

everyday i wake up scared all day. am on my own and find it impossible to deal with. its been going on for 25yrs and what do i do? i've seen people and it doesnt help. kathryn

MickeyN Partner pushing me away - wants no contact
  • replies: 2

Good morning, I have been watching my partner slowly fall into the pits of depression. I suggested therapy and potentially meds before it was too late. She started to want more space, didnt want to talk, started becoming disctracted from others (the ... View more

Good morning, I have been watching my partner slowly fall into the pits of depression. I suggested therapy and potentially meds before it was too late. She started to want more space, didnt want to talk, started becoming disctracted from others (the thrill of being wanted), but just appeared to be numb around me. Last week after spending time together she just came out and said she couldnt be with me because she isnt stable and left. She said she cant be my support, and she cant deal with me. I told her that no matter what i wasnt going anywhere, and i know that she was pushing me away due to her depression. Granted i was quite upset on the weekend about this decision and could at that stage only feel the hurt. How do i give her the space, but still let her know i am here and i love her? I understand she needs to fix herself, but i want to be able to support her

WeGotThis Depressed partner and how to handle my fears
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and I am not sure if I am in the right place. I just need to get this of my chest and hope to get some advice on how to proceed. My partner of 12 month has recently opened up about him dealing with depression. He h... View more

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum and I am not sure if I am in the right place. I just need to get this of my chest and hope to get some advice on how to proceed. My partner of 12 month has recently opened up about him dealing with depression. He has been on medication for about 6 months until he suddenly stopped without any help from his doctor. A few months later he was not able to cope any longer. He has been in a real dark place, talking about suicide, being angry and agitated, abusing alcohol and drugs. He went back to the doctor and started taking medication again.He has been taken them for over 2 month now but he seems to be getting worse. I have been trying to encourage him to also go and talk to someone. I am worried and scared and don't know where to start. I am trying to be supportive, understanding, give him space when he needs it but also show him that I am here if he wants me to be. He says he loves me and I am the only good thing in his life but that he hates how he lowers the quality of my life, that I deserve so much better and that he doesn't understand how I can love such a looser. I am just confused about what is the disease and what might be his character? Last weekend we had a great time away watching a band,...suddenly, like every time when we seem to go away for a weekend getaway or anything fun, he gets angry with me, starts picking on me, followed by how much he hates himself and that I deserve better and he sees everybody wanting me and he doesn't know why I am with him. I try to assure him that I love him, that I am here for him and that his depression is making him feel this way, it can be cured and that I believe in him and his recovery... He then left in a rage going on a 24hrs bender. He texted me at some point that he understands if its over but he needs to know that I am ok..he later arrived at my place at 5am in the morning drunk, on drugs and telling me how sorry he is and that he doesn't want to loose me. He told me he went to a bar drinking, chatting to people etc..and then I my alarm bells went off...what if he needs to get female attention to make himself feel better?.. what if he gets so drunk etc that he does stupid stuff like cheating or THE worst, trying to take his life like he said so many times before... I don't know what I expect from this post, I just feel scared for his life and selfish enough to just fear loosing him! Thank you for listening and thank you for people like you all xx

KOM I’m a carer for someone with dementia and I am not coping
  • replies: 9

Hi All, I’m a carer for my 94yr old mother who has dementia. Her mood range from happy to angry and depressed on most days so I never know what I will be dealing with. Most days I can cope. I work full time and have organised for carers and social su... View more

Hi All, I’m a carer for my 94yr old mother who has dementia. Her mood range from happy to angry and depressed on most days so I never know what I will be dealing with. Most days I can cope. I work full time and have organised for carers and social support to pop in and see mum for ½ hour a day just to help break up the routine and give me a break from being mum sole focus. The rest of my family lives a long way away and will come to help out, but like all of us they have to arrange it around when they can get leave off work and other life dramas. My problem is I has been sinking into depression again, I can recognise the signs as it feels a lot different to just tiredness. It is a black hole sucking me in, if I didn’t have to cook meals and do chores I could easily stay in bed 24/7 and still be massively tired. I’m congratulating myself on just getting dressed and my hair brushes for the day. I’ve upped my antidepressants for the last few days as I can’t get into see a Dr for a couple of weeks. I’m really scared of sinking further but am not a suicide risk – too may depend on me to be functional. I’m in a country area so they are no drop in mental health services or support. Not thinking clearly, but am wondering if anyone can share a checklist or resources on how to navigate out of this. I try to make sure we are eating healthy, use aromatherapy and music to try to life the mood. Can’t exercise as my body feels like a dead weight at the moment. Mum will refuse any respite care.

Gay_relationship_partner_ Deinf with a depressed (same sex) partner
  • replies: 1

My partner has depression, which he blames me for causing. I'd leave but we have young children, so that will just compound the problem. We're seeing a joint psychologist, which is slowly working, but taking much longer than we both were expecting. View more

My partner has depression, which he blames me for causing. I'd leave but we have young children, so that will just compound the problem. We're seeing a joint psychologist, which is slowly working, but taking much longer than we both were expecting.

AnnaGrace Where did my husband go?
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, My husband has been suffering from depression, which has escalated over the past year. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be posting here, after reading the posts of the terrible situations some of you are in, as my own experience is some... View more

Hi everyone, My husband has been suffering from depression, which has escalated over the past year. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be posting here, after reading the posts of the terrible situations some of you are in, as my own experience is somewhat better, but I still feel so frustrated and helpless. He is aware of his condition, and has been seeing a psychologist for 6 months, but has last week stopped seeing her as he feels like he doesn't get anything out of it. I did feel like she was making a difference to him after the sessions, but overall I agree I didn't see a huge change. He's a very intelligent, ethical, intense person, who feels like he hasn't achieved anything in life (despite having a well-paying job) and now can't find any joy whatsoever. He can't see anything to live for (but hasn't attempted suicide or disappeared or anything) and feels like having children is one of his biggest regrets (we have a 2 year old and 3 month old who has been very ill). He has said to me that I would be better off without him and he's truly sorry I got him as a husband. He is trapped in this cycle of self-hatred and guilt and stresses he doesn't want to be here anymore, and wishes he didn't have people to depend on him so he could do what he wanted. I've tried so many times to assuage the guilt and tell him how valuable he is to me and those around him but it makes no difference. He has a very stressful job which he is not excelling at, has injuries, no motivation to exercise and therefore hates how he looks (he used to be extremely fit), and has tried to stop drinking alcohol but now drinks every night. He has never been physically abusive but has a lot of problems with anger. He hasn't been on medication before but I asked if it's something he could consider. Should I try and get him to go to a psychiatrist? I just don't know what to do next. I feel like my own happiness is being compromised as I'm constantly surrounded by negativity, which sounds selfish I know, but it just takes its toll after a while. My mother has had clinical depression and I feel like I can't escape it. I don't want it to cause me to stop loving him but I'm afraid it will. Thanks

MelBah Am I being unreasonable?
  • replies: 3

My son, aged 12, is having a mental health crisis which we are dealing with. My husband lives in another country atm but is also very worried about our son. He has resigned to move back with us in the near future. My husband is not good at acknowledg... View more

My son, aged 12, is having a mental health crisis which we are dealing with. My husband lives in another country atm but is also very worried about our son. He has resigned to move back with us in the near future. My husband is not good at acknowledging that mental health is an illness, he seems to think it is a weakness, and best not talked about. I’m a talker and have my own mental health issues as well. I am seeking support from close friends and health professionals in this extremely stressful time. My husband thinks that in seeking support I am disclosing information about our son that I shouldn’t and it is not fair on our son. My argument is that in order to get support I have to tell people why we are so stressed. But it is niggling at me....does he have a point? Should I be keeping my mouth shut?

Twiggs Long distance relationship: how can I support my partner?
  • replies: 3

Hi, I thought about asking for some advice cause I'm at a bit of a loss here, I've only been with my partner a few months, & he's told me from the beginning that he gets sad sometimes. We have a long distance relationship & see each other about twice... View more

Hi, I thought about asking for some advice cause I'm at a bit of a loss here, I've only been with my partner a few months, & he's told me from the beginning that he gets sad sometimes. We have a long distance relationship & see each other about twice a month, which is hard in itself, but we talk every single day, though I've noticed lately the times he's been feeling down have been more and more. Little comments & what I would consider minor things seem to trigger a mood swing, especially if he's been drinking. He was overweight as a kid and still has pretty big issues with that, even though now I would describe him as probably underweight, & tells me all the time how he hates the way he looks, so he gets quite down when he sees a reflection of himself. He's super hard on himself & constantly puts himself down. He also thinks he's such a burden on me & his friends when he gets down, thinks that people don't like him, & has said multiple times how he feels like he can't enjoy anything anymore. I've spent hours talking through things with him, but he's afraid to see a doctor because he thinks it'll confirm that there's "something wrong" with him or that he's "a broken person". Today he confessed he's had suicidal thoughts, though said he could never go through with it. It's super scary, & I've never been in a situation where the person I care about the most is having such an awful time. He knows I'm here for him, that he's not a burden to me, & how I find him incredibly attractive, but I feel like I'm not able to support him as much living 1500kms away. He won't open up to his friends (who are lovely & supportive) so I'm the only one he talks to about anything. I've tried doing some research, talking to his friends, asking him to see a doctor, telling him how important his is to me, but is there anything else I can do to help him that I've overlooked? I feel a little overwhelmed & extremely helpless, especially living so far away from him at the moment. Thanks so much for any tips or advice!

Katsu Please help me help my Dad
  • replies: 5

Hello everyone, I need some advice and help. So the last 1.5 years have been a rollercoaster for my family, I'll give a quick over view. I have had 3 operations due to my health, on a slow road to recovery now thanks goodness. My grandpa was diagnose... View more

Hello everyone, I need some advice and help. So the last 1.5 years have been a rollercoaster for my family, I'll give a quick over view. I have had 3 operations due to my health, on a slow road to recovery now thanks goodness. My grandpa was diagnosed with brain cancer and has now passed on, but in his 9month battle he was neglected and abused by his wife. My dad, his brother and myself had to give up out jobs and life to help him and make him comfortable in his battle. My dad had a bad car accident on his 27hr drive to my grandfather's and has still not made 100% recovery. My brother tried to commit suicide and is on the road to recovery. My step mum has walked out on my dad while he was on a memorial trip for my grandpa with his brother. Doesnt have any answer to what's happened, she wont talk to him. My dad suffers anxiety and depression, and the last week has not been good. He has lost a lot of weight, cant sleep or think/cant shut his brain off, not hungry, mentally not well either. I love my dad so much, we have a very strong relationship and I dont know how else to help. I have been going to his house every day, I have been cooking and taking him food, trying to get him to walk the dogs with me to get some fresh air, I have been listening/just being there and giving lots of love but he is getting worst. I have tried to get him into counseling or even talk to a friend but he keeps telling me all to much for him atm. I'm really lost on what more I can do or how i can help him, if anyone has any advice please help me help my dad. Thank you x

johnt88 Please help!
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this is long but hope someone can offer advice. My wife suffers from both depression & anxiety and takes medication. Lately she does not seem happy at all and she has told me she is struggling but doesn't know what she needs... View more

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this is long but hope someone can offer advice. My wife suffers from both depression & anxiety and takes medication. Lately she does not seem happy at all and she has told me she is struggling but doesn't know what she needs. Some nights she's happy and we'll watch funny movies and laugh and talk but some nights she wants time to herself and she's down about something. She seems to be down most of the time, spends most of the weekend in bed and takes offence to small things sometimes. I am a very positive person so I always try to help her fix a problem or see the bright side of something or point out good things in our life but this can make it worse sometimes as she feels i'm dismissing her feelings., which I'm not trying to do. We have recently had fertility issues and are saving for IVF, which has hurt us both, both emotionally and financially, but with her MH history it has been harder on her. We have also lost pretty much all intimacy. Haven't had sex in over a year and she shows no interest and I've stopped trying or bringing it up. I love her. If she's not feeling up to sex thats fine, it's her I want to help I'm not being selfish hope it doesn't sound that way. She swears she is still attracted to me and also mentioned her meds can decrease sex drive. Not sure if that's true but I trust her word. She doesn't often feel like doing anything social with family/ friends and I am quite often having to make excuses as to why we or she can't come. I think it's a combination of the fertility issues, her work and her mental scars from being sexually abused as a child that have all added up but HOW do I help? I am also starting to get quite down myself and frustrated a bit as I feel like she's always in a down mood ( I hope i'm not sounding selfish) but also, she doesn't do much around the house anymore so I'm basically doing all the housework, as well as working and trying to help her and I'm getting exhausted too. I feel like I can't bring this or any of my own feelings/ worries/ stresses up cause she will blame herself and that will make her depression worse. I have found myself upset and exhausted some nights about it but I always pull myself out of it with positive thoughts as I am a happy person overall. I love my wife and I want her to be happy and I will do anything I can to help but I guess I'm just wanting some advice as to how to help her, while also reducing my stress and for us to both be happy. Please help!