Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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soap_ctsoul Depressed Dad won't get help
  • replies: 4

Hello, I'm only 17 years old so please bear with my level of knowledge on this topic. My Dad, who is in his 50s, has gone through traumatic experiences with family members growing up and has had depression ever since he was a child. I love my Dad and... View more

Hello, I'm only 17 years old so please bear with my level of knowledge on this topic. My Dad, who is in his 50s, has gone through traumatic experiences with family members growing up and has had depression ever since he was a child. I love my Dad and I want to be a good daughter to him but it's hard as we have clashing personalities and views and sometimes I struggle to look past it. He was diagnosed with depression but I personally believe he leans more towards BD as he has these very intense periods where he comes up with all these crazy ideas and aspirations and is really excitable and silly, but on the other end of things he is angry, irritable and bored (for lack of better term.) He always comes up with excuse after excuse for things. I like to consider myself a reasonable kid. He drives two hours back and forth every day to work except Sat and Sun, I 100% understand that this is tiring and makes you more irritable. What I can't understand is why he feels the need to force my Mum to drink, and why he is completely unable to accept when he has a flaw or issue with himself. I have confronted him about things such as his betting problems and alcohol dependence and I am always met with excuse after excuse. I can tell he's being dishonest or trying to dodge things. It's always "I'm not nearly as bad as some people" or he turns to an angry retort "You don't see me sitting down at the pub at 10 in the morning!" He is completely unable to see that there are different severities of issues. He doesn't avoid work to drink or anything extreme like that. But he gets angry so often, and even though he's been married to my Mum for 20+ years, I can tell it hurts her and she is the biggest victim of his anger issues. I feel helpless. I don't know how to get him to get help. I feel as though I've done all that I can do. I do little things like scrub his feet to remove callous, I clean his car, I clean the house, I buy him little things every now and then and I try my hardest to be a kind and loving daughter in nature. Everything I try ends in an argument and as previously mentioned, I try to stay calm and rational and rarely raise my voice unless mine is being drowned out but even then I prefer not to turn to yelling as I believe it has no positive effect. He REFUSES to get help because its "too late for him" and he doesn't ever say it in a hopeless way, its more so like he truly believes he is unfixable and that's just the way it is. Hope someone can help me.

m3456 Long distance relationship depressed boyfriend
  • replies: 8

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We really missed a lot each other, but we managed really good for a year, the time we needed apart. Everything seemed so righ, and going okay, we have a very intense and close relationship. He w... View more

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. We really missed a lot each other, but we managed really good for a year, the time we needed apart. Everything seemed so righ, and going okay, we have a very intense and close relationship. He was just about to come visit, and after that, I was to be moving to his place, so we could finally be together. One week ago he broke down, he said out of blue that needed to talk to me, that things were umbearable, he started doubting our relationship and us. I was crushed, trying to understand. He started saying of maybe not coming to see me, and my life just became a nightmare. I was trying to understand and show that he was wrong, that we were so close to see, that we should do it, it would made things better and insecurity would fade away. Through conversantions, he started to change his narrative, and told me he thought something was wrong with him, that he felt lonely and sad all the time, that his life was miserable, that he did not love himself anymore, that he felt numb, apathic and could feel nothing for anything. He said it was not me, or our relationship, but him. I know his going through difficulties in his med course. Now, he is slowly driving me away, and asking for space, and being distant. When I asked, he said he did not know if he want to breakup. It is being really hard to give him space.He would go to the psychiatric friday, and we went three days without talking. He did not told me how was with the doc, which upseted me, but I tried to keep the space. Monday I send him a generic message, just saying i hoped he was ok, and he engaged conversation like everything was normal. The problem is that I was not good because of the distance too, so I had a horrible breakdown of depression and anxiety. I went to the doc, and im currently on meds, which are in the beginning and making me feel worst. So latter, I went to talk to him again, but asking stuff. It was much better conversation, it seems his already better, and he told me his doc said he needed this week to try to find himself again, the things he liked before, the things he likes alone, and he has some sort of homework to do alone, to discover something. I feel desperate about it, that he might be trying to see his life without me, that he will discouver its mine and the relationship fault, and that he must end everything and just forget me. I dont want to loose him, he is really important, and an amazing person, like ive never seen before.

Ozmum5 Need help with 21yo son depressed
  • replies: 4

We have a 21yo son who dropped out of school halfway through year 12 (fine with us but we did tell him he will need to find a job) he told us he had been having suicidal thoughts from the age of 15, we got him into a psychologist a few times. He has ... View more

We have a 21yo son who dropped out of school halfway through year 12 (fine with us but we did tell him he will need to find a job) he told us he had been having suicidal thoughts from the age of 15, we got him into a psychologist a few times. He has worked 6 months out of 3 1/2 years he plays on his computer most of the time, has no friends in real life. One of the problems we have is we have 3 other kids in the house and he swears when he’s playing the computer game and I know he’s addicted, My husband and he had a confrontation at 3am, I have just tried to talk to him but he just says he will go and live on the streets. I asked him if he would go back to counselling and he refused says it doesn’t help etc. I am at my wits end I don’t know what to do anymore

May1 depressed friend
  • replies: 2

About a week ago my friend went missing for about 16 hours and left me with a goodbye message. It terrified me more than anything in my life ever. He finally contacted me and told me he didn't want to keep going, I talked with him through that night ... View more

About a week ago my friend went missing for about 16 hours and left me with a goodbye message. It terrified me more than anything in my life ever. He finally contacted me and told me he didn't want to keep going, I talked with him through that night til he fell asleep and he has been opening up to me more over the following days, he is a very private quiet person so I'm stoked he's talking to me about what he's been going through and he agreed to exercise and do small self help things for himself like I suggested (which is really good?) but I cant seem to feel any better. I'm extremely terrified he's going to go quiet again and not contact me again. I've also been through depression and suicidal thoughts myself (few years ago I am better now) and I keep crying when I think about what he's going through, he's an amazing person and friend and he doesn't deserve this and it's really upsetting me. But most of all I'm scared he will go quiet again, whenever I'm not in contact with him even for a few hours I feel sick not knowing what he's doing or if he's okay. Basically I'm not dealing with it very well right now, I've lost my appetite for a week, my anxiety is high and I just feel upset all the time. Maybe I just need more time to learn to deal with it I'm not sure? Some advice on how to help him feel better in general and how to make myself feel better or more relaxed about this would be extremely appreciated. Even experiences from other people and any small things they did to help would be really good. Thanks heaps.

EAOA79 When to seek help for a 7 year old?
  • replies: 4

Hi, I feel completely out of my depth when helping our child who is 7 and appears to be suffering from Anxiety and self doubt. At what point does it go from normal childhood behaviour and when is it time to seek help? Our child often misses out of ha... View more

Hi, I feel completely out of my depth when helping our child who is 7 and appears to be suffering from Anxiety and self doubt. At what point does it go from normal childhood behaviour and when is it time to seek help? Our child often misses out of having fun because they see the negative in everything and is fearful of making mistakes. At school our child is bright, confident and a wonderful friend to everyone however at home they become withdrawn, doubtful of themselves and afraid. I have put off getting help for so long because I felt it was a reflection of our parenting skills. Any other parents have experience with this?

ThrowAwayAnon Supporting depressed wife.
  • replies: 5

Hi, My wife and I have been together for the last 10 years and married for 3 and a half. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a marked change in mood and attitude. I won't get fully into depth about it but she is having thoughts that at times she doe... View more

Hi, My wife and I have been together for the last 10 years and married for 3 and a half. Over the last 6 weeks there has been a marked change in mood and attitude. I won't get fully into depth about it but she is having thoughts that at times she doesn't love me. I know this is a common theme amongst people with depression due to what I assume is part of anhedonia. In all honesty I'm sure we'll come through this and everything will be alright, as there are no "red flags" in our relationship but if I'm 100% honest I'm scared to the core. I'm spending most of the day nauseated, anxious and at times in tears. My biggest problem is that I need to be strong for her at the moment. I've told her that i'll be with her throughout the whole thing and i'll fight until everything is fine but I am afraid that by her seeing me as hurt she'll not open up to me as easily and will "protect" me by not being as open. I had a period years ago with intrusive thoughts that I didn't love her (as we were getting engaged) and she had to deal with the same type of thing for about 2 years, so now I understand how hard it is. I know it's a hard situation with not knowing whats truth and whats not and to compound things we have a 1 year old which allows no down time to relax. What is the best way of supporting someone who's feeling hollow and "Dead inside" while looking after myself? So far she is seeing a psychologist, but its a matter of finding if the depression is causing the thoughts or vice versa. Thanks.

FeeR Letting my depressed boyfriend go is so hard
  • replies: 3

Hi. This week I let my boyfriend go, after 6 years. He has been so depressed- but unwilling to get help, he says he can’t feel anything- not love or happiness and can’t give it either. I know I have to let him go for me, and he needs to find himself ... View more

Hi. This week I let my boyfriend go, after 6 years. He has been so depressed- but unwilling to get help, he says he can’t feel anything- not love or happiness and can’t give it either. I know I have to let him go for me, and he needs to find himself too but it’s so hard, I love him so much. I can’t eat and there is still so much to do- packing up our house, moving, cleaning. I’m not ready to move on but I have no other choice- I have to live in a sharehouse and I’m sad and angry. I feel like a failure for it getting this bad for not being able to help him. Trying to be strong

_IDontKnow_ My friend is abused, I need serious help with this.
  • replies: 1

Her: Ok well.. Her: I guess ill tell u Her: My parents aren't the nicest they always abuse verbally and motionly, Ik they do it for the good of me but Sometimes they dont understand how much it hurts, One main reason why I such bad self estem is beca... View more

Her: Ok well.. Her: I guess ill tell u Her: My parents aren't the nicest they always abuse verbally and motionly, Ik they do it for the good of me but Sometimes they dont understand how much it hurts, One main reason why I such bad self estem is because of my parents believe it or not they call me ugly, super skinny, a brat a horrible daughter and sometimes I feel so bad I feel like hiding and never coming out.. Me: How long has this been happening? Her: ever since I was like 7 Her: Pls dont tell anyone I dont want help Her: I only told u cuz u asked. Me: I wont tell anyone, don't worry. Its good that you at least told someone though. It helps to get it off of your chest. (White Lie, She needs help.) Her: Yeah it does but it doesnt help that much Her: Oh well i guess I will have to live with it Me: wait Me: have you told your relatives about it? Her: And trust me I have tried being a better kid, they still don't care Me: also, why dont you want help? Her: And yes I have told my relatives they tell my parents to stop, they do but then forget and do it again without knowning Her: I dont want help cuz I just dont I dont want ppl knowning I dont want others to feel sorry for me, It doesnt help and I dont want them to be sad etheir (This is the part that I cant help with. She refuses to get help, even when I try.) Her: Im ok tho and I just gotta get thru this by myslef and have resilient Me: I see. If you need help, Ms. Dawson(School counsellor) is the go-to. She won't feel sad or sorry, she can help. Her: I dont want help its ok but thx for asking Me: Okay. How often does this happen? Her: Nearly everyday its ok Im used to it Info: She is thirteen years of age, pretty much the nicest person you will ever meet, and extremely intelligent, but yeah, abused and low self esteem. It is horrible, and thats why i came here for help.

Sparkey8 Not a punch-bag. How to set boundaries?
  • replies: 2

Hi guys, new to the forum. My husband has been dx'd with depression and is on an SSRI which he sometimes (a few times a week) forgets to take. He has only been on it for a couple of weeks. He's a great guy, I love him dearly however we are having iss... View more

Hi guys, new to the forum. My husband has been dx'd with depression and is on an SSRI which he sometimes (a few times a week) forgets to take. He has only been on it for a couple of weeks. He's a great guy, I love him dearly however we are having issues with him lashing out at me verbally. He criticises the way in which I look after our daughter which makes me very sad, because it's not true and during his ok times he would never even think such things. A few weeks ago he listed off 18 things about me that he felt were wrong or that were my bad points. He has since apologised for that but I can't stop thinking about them, because most of them were true, stuff like I don't care for my things enough etc. What I need to know is: how do you establish what is unacceptable behaviour whilst still supporting your partner? How do you let things go that they say in their bad times? Am I just being over-sensitive to these remarks?

Blackboy How to help my wife who has a serious psychiatric condition
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm new here but I hear many good things about Beyond Blue. I hope I can get good advice. My wife of 34 years, who is now 61 years old, has become seriously mentally ill. She has had alcoholism and depressive thinking all her life, but in the las... View more

Hi, I'm new here but I hear many good things about Beyond Blue. I hope I can get good advice. My wife of 34 years, who is now 61 years old, has become seriously mentally ill. She has had alcoholism and depressive thinking all her life, but in the last 2 weeks it has got a lot worse. Now she sleeps nearly all day, or at least stays in bed; she eats and drinks very little; she does not take her prescribed medication. Medical professionals have given her very good advice as to how to get back to mental and physical health, but she does not follow the advice. She is getting weaker and has collapsed on the floor 3 times in the last week. She does not want to see her doctor and does not want to go into hospital or any treatment centre. She often drinks wine when I am not looking. I phoned a mental health team to see if she could be taken in for mental health treatment but they said no because she is not actually talking about suicide. She is wasting away and is incapable of simple tasks or of looking after herself. I do whatever I can to help her, but I can't force her to eat or drink or take her medicine or stay off the wine. Nothing I can say cheers her up, she just curls up into a foetal ball and stays in bed. I am sure she is in desperate need of medical and psychiatric care but she won't go. What can I do to get her the help she needs? Thanks in advance to anyone who can tell me what I can do!