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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Elpis52 My beautiful daughter is sick... and I need help
  • replies: 5

I am a first time poster (I only recently joined the site). I am a father of a beautiful 17 yr old girl that has had a terrible year dealing with her mental illness that is sourced in anxiety and depression. I have so many emotions flowing through my... View more

I am a first time poster (I only recently joined the site). I am a father of a beautiful 17 yr old girl that has had a terrible year dealing with her mental illness that is sourced in anxiety and depression. I have so many emotions flowing through my body; all negative- fear, helplessness, guilt, anxiety,,,, I could go on. I really feel after 18 months of dealing with this that I need to reach out and talk to some people about how I feel and how I might be able to support my daughter better by dealing with my own emotions and reactions better. So few people in my day to day life have any idea of what I (and my daughter's mum) are dealing with. And nor do I expect them to really. But what I feel I need now is a place where I can talk to people who understand what my lil girl is going through and what being a parent of a child with enormous mental health challenges is like. I really hope that I can become an active and supportive member of the Beyond Blue community. Elpis 52

10101 Not coping with husbands depression
  • replies: 3

I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I am really struggling with my Husbands depression. we have been together for 9 years and have always been a close happy couple. This year we finally got married, bought a house and got pregnant ( all planned... View more

I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I am really struggling with my Husbands depression. we have been together for 9 years and have always been a close happy couple. This year we finally got married, bought a house and got pregnant ( all planned) My husband started on medication for anxiety 8 months ago and eventually his medication changed as the original wasn’t working. He started acting very out of character drinking a lot, pushing his friends away making new friends who all wanted to drink and party, he started lying about things. One minute he hates me the next he couldn’t live with out me. He started telling his new friends our marriage was over yet never said anything to me. He started texting another woman saying he was separated and he really wanted to get to know her.They started arranging a camping trip just the two of them I found out about it before it happened and he said i was controlling him and not letting him have friends. I was devastated and left but then he begged me back saying he didn’t know why he was doing these things and needed help with his depression, he threatened to kill himself. I came back and we went to his Dr, who changed his meds and referred him to a psychologist. It’s now two months later and the medication has helped he’s no longer suicidal but he hasn’t made an appointment with the psychologist as he thinks the meds are fine on there own. He is all over the place one minute he’s loving and kind and is almost back to himself the next he’s drinking and telling me how he doesn’t love me and only with me for the baby. I know this isn’t the same man I have been with for 9 years but I am struggling to cope. We have no family in Australia and I feel so alone, being pregnant does not help with my emotions but I feel so broken Is it his depression talking or is it just really he doesn’t love me anymore? What should I do, I want to support him and I want him to be a Dad to our baby but I also think I can’t keep letting him treat me like this and at the moment it’s not a good environment to bring a baby into. I just want the man back that I have known the last 9 years is that even possible ?

PeanutJ Dealing with depression in the elderly
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I'm new here so I'll tell you a bit about myself and my situation. I'm currently looking after my mother who has a neurodegenerative disease related to Parkinson's. It affects her ability to communicate and organise and it is also affecting... View more

Hi there, I'm new here so I'll tell you a bit about myself and my situation. I'm currently looking after my mother who has a neurodegenerative disease related to Parkinson's. It affects her ability to communicate and organise and it is also affecting her balance. It will eventually kill her. A year ago she lost her son (my brother) to cancer and she went into care because she wasn't able to look after herself or cope with her grief and I had to go to work. I ended up taking half a year off from work to ease her into care and I've been back at work since mid-year, but still see her four days a week. She has never adjusted to being in care, cries all the time and calls me up to 16 times a day. I can't stand to see her this happy and yesterday I finally cracked and asked the doctor to try some anti-depressants. I never wanted to see her on antidepressants but I can't stand seeing her so unhappy, day in day out. I don't know how I am going to get through with this.

Steve73 Long time partner of Bipolar sufferer...
  • replies: 2

Hi, I’ve been married to my wife for 24 years. She was diagnosed with bipolar after 18yrs. Since our honeymoon we have had a very, very difficult marriage and since we are both devout religious people we have insisted on staying together, though it’s... View more

Hi, I’ve been married to my wife for 24 years. She was diagnosed with bipolar after 18yrs. Since our honeymoon we have had a very, very difficult marriage and since we are both devout religious people we have insisted on staying together, though it’s getting harder and harder.... She refuses to be medicated since the meds upset other areas of her health. I have never insisted that she take meds but the bipolar is never ever mentioned as a possible influence on the marriage. Being from an emotionally ‘expressive’ family & culture she raises her voice as soon as something is not done how she expects. I’ve likened her behaviour to emotional bullying. I just get worn down until I relent and she gets exactly what she wants, be it either her quitting her job, going to Europe 3 times without me or consultation, selling a house and moving interstate and now her moving to Qld because she hates Sydney (though I have a good job and she grew up in Sydney). When I suggest we work on things or go to a marriage counselor all she does is highlight all of my faults without ever addressing her faults. When I want to discuss her communication methods and the impact on me she goes into 100% defence mode and ends up attacking me. Don’t get me wrong, she has many great points but they are getting harder to focus on.. Before I throw the towel in or resign myself to being a zombie punching bag for the rest of my life I was wondering if anyone else has been a long time partner of a bipolar sufferer and what sort of behaviour they have had to live with.. regards S73

Poppie98 How can I help my 20 year old
  • replies: 3

I feel so gutted and helpless to help my son, he is 20 years old and suffers anxiety and depression, he is on medication, has been since he was 9 years old when he was diagnosed with OCD. He suffers social anxiety as well.He sees a psychologist which... View more

I feel so gutted and helpless to help my son, he is 20 years old and suffers anxiety and depression, he is on medication, has been since he was 9 years old when he was diagnosed with OCD. He suffers social anxiety as well.He sees a psychologist which doesn't seem to help because I don't think he reveals everything he is going through so she thinks he is doing fine. But he is not. He has thinning hair and this a major problem for him. So much so that he wants to commit suicide. If people mention his thinning hair he goes into a downward spiral. He struggles with body image everyday. He keeps saying he is a nothing and is unworthy of living. But this is only part of his problems. Ironically he is studying psychology at university. His mood swings are destroying our family and my stomach is constantly in knots. I don't know where to turn to get him help.I am prepared to try anything even taking him to a retreat or something. I hope someone can help me as I am at my wits end. Concerned Mother

Leigh_A Trying to help my brother
  • replies: 12

Hi all New to this. While away over Xmas found out my bro had ice induced phycosis and did some bad stuff. locked up now waiting to go to court. It’s made me very sad for him, he’s a great bloke who makes some wrong choices a long the way. I feel hel... View more

Hi all New to this. While away over Xmas found out my bro had ice induced phycosis and did some bad stuff. locked up now waiting to go to court. It’s made me very sad for him, he’s a great bloke who makes some wrong choices a long the way. I feel helpless. I’m so scared for him. Not allowed contact with him as yet, tho I have tried.

AnnabelLee Supporting somebody who lost best friend
  • replies: 21

Hello everyone. When i first found this forum i wanted to post my story straight away asking for advice. But then as i read couple of similar posts it started to getting to me that there is no answer really. As somebody said in one post, there is no ... View more

Hello everyone. When i first found this forum i wanted to post my story straight away asking for advice. But then as i read couple of similar posts it started to getting to me that there is no answer really. As somebody said in one post, there is no ‘manual’. So why am i writing here really? I dont really know. Maybe i wanna just get it off the chest, maybe i want people who may understand me and relate to me to read it. They say ‘problem shared is problem halved’. So let me jump to my story. Somebody close to me lost his best friend around 8 weeks ago in tragic circumstances (got shot to death) To add to that around 2 months prior to that he lost his beloved dog. That was kind if dog that was with him when he had episode of depression earlier this year. That dog battled cancer this year ( that was partially reason if that depression) When his dog was dying he said that ‘he cant live without her (dog)’ and that he will kill himself if something happens to her. So we basically can say within few weeks he lost his 2 best friends. After his dog died he wasnt really doing well, withdrawing himself, he actually had to move back to parents as couldnt stand living at his place without his dog. Now back to his friends death. After that happened he completely cut himself off. Then he told me what happened. Since then we only exchanged few messages. Last time he responded was 3 weeks ago and told me that he doesnt want anyone close to him these days. When he explained me what happened he said that he feels nothing matters, loving and caring doesnt matter anymore, that he sees future as blank space. And when his dog died he told me that after what happened he was afraid of getting attached to me (because of pain of losing). So now after losing his friend i guess he is sinking into depression. So its not only grief hes dealing with but depression. As probably that loss opened so unhealed wounds from the past. Without going into too many details i can say he was different from other kids at school. And because of that he was bullied and beaten. He lost few friends back then because of that. So i can see and i guess that feeling of losing is coming again to surface. And because of the circumstances of his friend death he may be struggling with PTSD as well. So i dont really know what im majorly dealing with here. Grief, depression, PTSD, anxiety? Mix of all? Thank you for reading. Feels better to be able to share it with people who may understand and can relate.

Haveachat2u Depression
  • replies: 2

My partner drives me up the wall. He has depression, it never goes away. I’m leaving him once the lease is up. He thinks 30 minutes of work in two days is hard work! He sweeps the floor in the house or mops a floor or something like that! I work the ... View more

My partner drives me up the wall. He has depression, it never goes away. I’m leaving him once the lease is up. He thinks 30 minutes of work in two days is hard work! He sweeps the floor in the house or mops a floor or something like that! I work the equivalent of full time to support us! He partly has depression because he won’t get a job or do anything! I burn out because he sits on his butt collects Centrelink and watches old movies or plays computer games! When I’m burnt out it gives me depression! I actually asked for extra work tonight to just get out of the house to get away from him! He’s like I can’t find work! If he truly wanted to work he would find it because I did. You make looking for work your job and the first one you get is usually horrible. You stay there for a year get a reference then you move on after done your time. He is applying for jobs that pay at least $40-$70 an hour! Its not going to happen you need experience first! So his basically thinking about the past worked up about people who died years ago and thinking about everyone that has wronged him wanting to get revenge. Because he won’t let go of his past his lost his future and loosing me, his present and future. I wish I could walk out right now but I have to wait for the lease to end. It’s driving me nuts! On Christmas Day I worked to pay the bills he promised to cook me a dinner and go for a drive later on. Nothing happened! No presents no nothing! He was pining over his dead grandparents and farther and according to him I had no right to complain! So yeah it’s over. I’m sick of him! His depression killed our relationship!

CherryRed This is difficult and confusing
  • replies: 12

My long distance partner is currently deeply depressed. Being so far away limits our contact to phone calls and texts. Sometimes he answers and replies, mostly he doesn't. Last week he picked up my call and spent an hour just sobbing and apologising.... View more

My long distance partner is currently deeply depressed. Being so far away limits our contact to phone calls and texts. Sometimes he answers and replies, mostly he doesn't. Last week he picked up my call and spent an hour just sobbing and apologising. I didn't offer any advice, just listened, put in a few comments like I love you, we care etc. Normally he would have spent Christmas with us, but he said he can't be around anybody. After the call he sent me a long text explaining how depression feels to him, and that care and concern from others just pushes him further down. He said he was going to take his dog and head out bush to try and get a himself under control without feeling imprisoned in his house. Back to nature and solitude. He said it was best for everyone including himself, not to have contact, otherwise it would consume him and it would be too late. I replied saying I trusted he knew how best to manage himself and would be here when he got back. Now all the hours of reading I've done is that isolation and pushing people away (and he acknowledged he was doing that) is part of the illness, but they don't really want that. I texted him last night with just an update on stuff, didn't ask questions, didn't say anything emotional or Christmassy, just stuff like I was planning a road/camping trip with my daughter. No reply. He may very well be in the middle of knowhere with no phone signal. He may be hiding out at home. I've always loved this man from the moment we met, he is such a beautiful soul. We've drifted in and out of each other's lives for years, and then he'd bail. He only recently told me that this pattern of his only happens with me. We get close and then he freezes and backpedals, terrified. He has had trauma throughout his life. Do I just reach out every few days or once a week, nothing heavy? Or do I honour his request for no contact? It's so hard to figure out the best thing to do. He won't take meds, he says they make him feel like a zombie. He was seeing a psych and told me a little about that, but she's now on holidays and not back until January. His GP insists on him going in to see her, and she sends somebody out to the house if he doesn't, or calls him. Thanks for reading.

peacedove Supporting my adult son who has depression and anxiety. What to say what not to say
  • replies: 5

Hello, I am struggling with how to respond to my son at the moment, nothing seems to help and then I am left feeling useless and helpless to relieve his pain. Is there a "right"' way to respond to his negative thoughts?

Hello, I am struggling with how to respond to my son at the moment, nothing seems to help and then I am left feeling useless and helpless to relieve his pain. Is there a "right"' way to respond to his negative thoughts?