Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Starbimum Helping my teenage son with depression and anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi. My teenage son is seeing a counsellor thankfully as he admitted to me about feeing depressed and anxious so I booked him into gp and counsellor straight away. as someone who also suffers from the above it pains me to see him when he is clearly lo... View more

Hi. My teenage son is seeing a counsellor thankfully as he admitted to me about feeing depressed and anxious so I booked him into gp and counsellor straight away. as someone who also suffers from the above it pains me to see him when he is clearly low and no matter how I ask he won’t open up to me. As an example tonight over dinner all I did was try and get him to eat salad (his appetite is all over the place) later we had a chat outside and I said I know he can’t control his apparent but he can control what he eats. He has something like a nervous leg thing too and he jumps his leg up and down and says he can’t control it, though I think he could if he tried. i just don’t know what to do as I am worried about him but he won’t talk to be even about how he is feeling. He will talk to the counsellor which is great and she has encouraged him to try and be open with me. I don’t need to know deep details I just need to know what is going through his mind at some point so I can help him. Its killing me and I just don’t know here to turn (his father and step father would be no help.

Xiomara Where to from here?
  • replies: 12

I’ll start with a confession. Yesterday I told my husband, who has depression, that I was done. No more. That’s it. Over. I told him he could go wallow in self pity without me. We live with the long grey shadow that follows him everywhere, trying to ... View more

I’ll start with a confession. Yesterday I told my husband, who has depression, that I was done. No more. That’s it. Over. I told him he could go wallow in self pity without me. We live with the long grey shadow that follows him everywhere, trying to drag me into its darkness. He returned a week ago, from a trip to visit family. He went with our adult daughters to have some bonding time. I asked how the trip was, I got complete silence. Not much out of my daughters either, other than 'his mother, geeze!'. So obviously something went awry. He has had a fraught and complicated relationship with his mother and his siblings. There is abandonment, jail, suicides and death from cancer in the family history, all very painful. In the past few years, I have seen his desire to reconcile with them, so I gently encouraged it to help him on the road to heal the rift, before it is too late and there are regrets. Last night, I said that I knew something was up and I was there if he wanted to talk . Accusations flew out him that I called his family evil , that his problems were none of my business, they don’t affect me in any way, I was at fault for not going with him, I should butt out of his life I'd never asked him about his trip, he told me all he had to say in texts ( 2 texts in 2 weeks) and that he had nothing to tell me. To my detriment, I can’t hold my tongue. Seriously, is everyone who cares for a person with depression wonderful all the time? Far out, I’m a really bad person if so. I launched a tirade back, borne of deep hurt and years of living with this shadow in the room that I can’t see and can’t fight, but which wraps around him like an iron cape, stealing him away and leaving me far out in the cold. So I said my terrible finale. I'm really shouting at the shadow, but it is him that gets hit with the words. I meant it and not meant it at the same time. I am done with the shadow. Well and truly. I am not done with the person beneath it. The problem, apparently, is I have to accept both, or neither and I’m so pissed off about that. It is NOT fair. There are three people in the marriage.Me, him and the shadow. The shadow gets all the attention. Last year was hard for me. I lost my mother and a close work colleague/friend. I had a hard time at work with a nasty boss. I need support too. None comes for me. I'm lonely and angry and sad. But most of all I am tired of the shadow. What do I do now?

Home4U Husband with GAD
  • replies: 8

Where do I Start.... My husband suffers from GAD and Depression. He has been dealing with this for pretty much as long as we have been together, although in the past couple of years it has become much worse. We have been together for 18 Years, marrie... View more

Where do I Start.... My husband suffers from GAD and Depression. He has been dealing with this for pretty much as long as we have been together, although in the past couple of years it has become much worse. We have been together for 18 Years, married for almost 14. He has been hospitilsed in the past for suicide thoughts, thankfully he overcame that period. He is really struggling at the moment with his anxiety levels, where we live it is almost impossible to get into see a specialist (over a 9 mth wait for one that was recommended !). The general practice Dr is good, but I think it is beyond his experience and it is not good at following up on the mental health of his patient. I guess we just have to be more assertive in asking for the help he needs. I am at loss as to how to help him, apart from just being there to listen to how is he feeling. I see the worry in his face, the kids see it also ( we have 2 boys). Our sex life does not exist, I can't recall the last time we made love. Our relationship has certainly changed. We don't argue, never really have. He does everything he can to try and help himself, he exercises regularly, he is back doing the mindfulness meditation, he is on a SSIR, the GP even put him on a mood stabilizer also, but nothing seems to be helping to ease the GAD. As a partner of someone suffering from this, it is HARD, I feel guilty to even right that because it no doubt does not even come close to how bad and hard it is for him to deal with GAD/Depression every day. I don't really talk to anyone about it, I feel like it isn't my place to let others know of his/our struggles, it is his private health information. I just do not know what to do, I can see him getting to the point where he will want to give up, can't see the light so to speak. He is off to the DR again today to try and get him to arrange an appointment with a specialist. I told him not to leave his office until he had an appointment. Fingers Crossed. I am at a loss.

Barry_G Advice for an employer trying to help an employee with a mental health condition.
  • replies: 3

Hi, I’m new on here. I’m an Office Manager trying to deal with a female staff member who is dealing with mental health issues that I would describe as Anxiety and which has now combined with Alcoholism. I’ve been searching for information of how to h... View more

Hi, I’m new on here. I’m an Office Manager trying to deal with a female staff member who is dealing with mental health issues that I would describe as Anxiety and which has now combined with Alcoholism. I’ve been searching for information of how to handle this situation as an employer, which lead me here. It seems I’ve been doing the right thing in communicating with her, and being supportive and flexible with her treatment needs and her immediate work environment. With increasing regularity, she has “bad” days, once even as far as attempted self harm but that was a year ago now. She is getting various professional support, but it is a painfully slow process. I wish her professionals could talk to me as I want to help. Despite a lot of reading trying to find the best way to support her on her “bad’ days, I’m still not sure what to do if her day deteriorates whilst at work – say she relapses and has a bottle of wine at lunchtime and literally can’t function for the afternoon. I feel that I have a duty of care towards her and can’t send her home without an escort. Unfortunately I don’t have the resources to do that, and she doesn’t have anyone who can collect her from work. I don’t feel the situation would result in harm to herself or others when I would certainly call her doctor, a mental health crisis service or dial 000 and say that her life is at risk. So, I keep her here at work which in a relatively small office is awkward at best. The boss has told me not to pay her for time off without a medical certificate being provided which in effect forces her to come to work even when she's not in the right state of mind. Any suggestions would be most appreciated.

NBAY Dementia Partner
  • replies: 2

Wife [77], primary teacher retired age 55, diagnosed 6 years ago. Memory virtually gone, cognition difficult, hearing a real problem [won't wear her aids], bladder urgency [no incontinence] sees her looking for and talking about loos whenever out so ... View more

Wife [77], primary teacher retired age 55, diagnosed 6 years ago. Memory virtually gone, cognition difficult, hearing a real problem [won't wear her aids], bladder urgency [no incontinence] sees her looking for and talking about loos whenever out so travel and dining out have become difficult. No direction for getting back after visiting public loos so exits need watching when she visits them. Barely understands mobile phone and TV remote. Has not cooked for 4 years. Married 50+ years. Two daughters + son, married, working, two kids each. Son & daughter within one hours drive, the other interstate. All empathise sympathise but work five days a week. Most visits are from our oldest daughter and her family, who live interstate. The others rarely visit unless invited to dinner I have been running monthly for some 5 years as we saw them so little. While each "local" has attended most dinners, we have not been invited to dinner or lunch at their place during this time. My life has become much more limited. There is little said as she is just not capable of maintaining coherent thought for long enough. She spends her time watching TV, snoozing, reading or constantly repeating questions or comments. "Loses" her keys, cards, wallet, bag, watch, phone, etc etc constantly... and panics when she can't find them. I seem to be more of a father-figure to her while she is more child-like to me. Whilst we have both been keen travelers in years past, she is no longer capable, although still claims she is. Has long forgotten her diagnosis, feeling sorry for dementia sufferers and carers. Very anxious when I am not around [I am to her like the blanket to Snoopy] but has enough cognition to not want to go live in a nursing home. I too don't really want to live a completely solo existence. Few friends left. One who I now need to take her to see when in Sydney. Mine are mostly scattered far a wide. All empathy but little practicality. All have their own families and issues to deal with. Just makes it a lonely world. On the other hand, I am not ready to retire from life. I feel I am TRAPPED in a pool with high slippery sides and no way out. Can only paddle for so long. Ideal for her would be to remain at home with a respite live-in she likes and trusts while I go off and do some travel and other things I have in mind. Where do you find such a person? Commit her to a home she will hate? Not nice. Should I resign from life too and not travel any more.? Where to from here?

mickr85 New here - Borderline Personality Disorder
  • replies: 7

Hi all, Despite the username, my name’s Mike. My wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist and the initial diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’m currently doing a bunch of reading as to how to support her. Reading a lot of things like... View more

Hi all, Despite the username, my name’s Mike. My wife is currently seeing a psychiatrist and the initial diagnosis is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’m currently doing a bunch of reading as to how to support her. Reading a lot of things like “it’s not your fault”. But does anyone have any advice on when you ARE at fault and how to deal with this? Thanks everyone, Mike

ShMaYo My teen has severe anxiety
  • replies: 1

My teen has been suffering severe anxiety in most situations outside our home, predominantly social anxiety. They have been seeing a therapist and having regular doctors appointments as well as getting support from family and friends. Things seemed t... View more

My teen has been suffering severe anxiety in most situations outside our home, predominantly social anxiety. They have been seeing a therapist and having regular doctors appointments as well as getting support from family and friends. Things seemed to be improving but we felt some medical intervention might also help. Recently they have started on medication, which I was very reluctant about but anything that will help is good.....right? They started on a half dose and was having some queezyness and dizziness as well as some nightmares,but it was manageable so we persevered. Today was the first day on a full dose and it was a disaster. They were very dizzy, vomited twice, almost blacked out and had heart palpitations. My child thought they were dying. It was awful. Im not sure if it was a full blown panic attack (which has never happened before), or side effects of the medication. Either way, we are go8ng back to a half dose tomorrow and booking in to see the Doctor ASAP. Anyone else had this experience with anxiety ?

Elpis52 My beautiful daughter is sick... and I need help
  • replies: 5

I am a first time poster (I only recently joined the site). I am a father of a beautiful 17 yr old girl that has had a terrible year dealing with her mental illness that is sourced in anxiety and depression. I have so many emotions flowing through my... View more

I am a first time poster (I only recently joined the site). I am a father of a beautiful 17 yr old girl that has had a terrible year dealing with her mental illness that is sourced in anxiety and depression. I have so many emotions flowing through my body; all negative- fear, helplessness, guilt, anxiety,,,, I could go on. I really feel after 18 months of dealing with this that I need to reach out and talk to some people about how I feel and how I might be able to support my daughter better by dealing with my own emotions and reactions better. So few people in my day to day life have any idea of what I (and my daughter's mum) are dealing with. And nor do I expect them to really. But what I feel I need now is a place where I can talk to people who understand what my lil girl is going through and what being a parent of a child with enormous mental health challenges is like. I really hope that I can become an active and supportive member of the Beyond Blue community. Elpis 52

10101 Not coping with husbands depression
  • replies: 3

I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I am really struggling with my Husbands depression. we have been together for 9 years and have always been a close happy couple. This year we finally got married, bought a house and got pregnant ( all planned... View more

I know this sounds incredibly selfish but I am really struggling with my Husbands depression. we have been together for 9 years and have always been a close happy couple. This year we finally got married, bought a house and got pregnant ( all planned) My husband started on medication for anxiety 8 months ago and eventually his medication changed as the original wasn’t working. He started acting very out of character drinking a lot, pushing his friends away making new friends who all wanted to drink and party, he started lying about things. One minute he hates me the next he couldn’t live with out me. He started telling his new friends our marriage was over yet never said anything to me. He started texting another woman saying he was separated and he really wanted to get to know her.They started arranging a camping trip just the two of them I found out about it before it happened and he said i was controlling him and not letting him have friends. I was devastated and left but then he begged me back saying he didn’t know why he was doing these things and needed help with his depression, he threatened to kill himself. I came back and we went to his Dr, who changed his meds and referred him to a psychologist. It’s now two months later and the medication has helped he’s no longer suicidal but he hasn’t made an appointment with the psychologist as he thinks the meds are fine on there own. He is all over the place one minute he’s loving and kind and is almost back to himself the next he’s drinking and telling me how he doesn’t love me and only with me for the baby. I know this isn’t the same man I have been with for 9 years but I am struggling to cope. We have no family in Australia and I feel so alone, being pregnant does not help with my emotions but I feel so broken Is it his depression talking or is it just really he doesn’t love me anymore? What should I do, I want to support him and I want him to be a Dad to our baby but I also think I can’t keep letting him treat me like this and at the moment it’s not a good environment to bring a baby into. I just want the man back that I have known the last 9 years is that even possible ?

PeanutJ Dealing with depression in the elderly
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I'm new here so I'll tell you a bit about myself and my situation. I'm currently looking after my mother who has a neurodegenerative disease related to Parkinson's. It affects her ability to communicate and organise and it is also affecting... View more

Hi there, I'm new here so I'll tell you a bit about myself and my situation. I'm currently looking after my mother who has a neurodegenerative disease related to Parkinson's. It affects her ability to communicate and organise and it is also affecting her balance. It will eventually kill her. A year ago she lost her son (my brother) to cancer and she went into care because she wasn't able to look after herself or cope with her grief and I had to go to work. I ended up taking half a year off from work to ease her into care and I've been back at work since mid-year, but still see her four days a week. She has never adjusted to being in care, cries all the time and calls me up to 16 times a day. I can't stand to see her this happy and yesterday I finally cracked and asked the doctor to try some anti-depressants. I never wanted to see her on antidepressants but I can't stand seeing her so unhappy, day in day out. I don't know how I am going to get through with this.