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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Milly100 New here - need advice to support mum
  • replies: 4

My mum has anxiety and depression after an illness. She is on medication and sees a Psychologist once a week (medication for 5 weeks now). There is very little improvement and she phones me for support. I don’t know what to say when she calls. She sa... View more

My mum has anxiety and depression after an illness. She is on medication and sees a Psychologist once a week (medication for 5 weeks now). There is very little improvement and she phones me for support. I don’t know what to say when she calls. She says she is scared (doesn’t know of what) she’s been crying for hours and none of the suggestions by the Psych are working. This happens regularly. She has told her GP and has been told not to change/increase meds for at least another 2 weeks. I don’t know how to safely get her through the days. She phoned a well known help line and the suggestion was to smell the flowers outside - they were not helpful at all. Any suggestions are very welcome. Thansk

Milkteax Looking after partner as breadwinner
  • replies: 3

Hi there, I’m looking for some support and advice on how to help my partner with depression. Ive been supporting him financially for a couple of years now, and I’m beginning to get concerned that if nothing changes now it will be very difficult for h... View more

Hi there, I’m looking for some support and advice on how to help my partner with depression. Ive been supporting him financially for a couple of years now, and I’m beginning to get concerned that if nothing changes now it will be very difficult for him to find work. A few years ago we moved to a remote area for my work, with the agreement that I would be the major bread winner and give him time to finish his studies while working part time - something I was very happy for given what he was sacrificing in the move for my job. He never ended up applying for any work though despite me sending him job ads and the study never seemed to end. I know that not working put pressure on him but he would never want to do anything during our free time that would take him away from his study. I suffer from anxiety myself and the financial stress combined with never going out to do anything together really did a number on me. We lived month to month and I ended up burning through a great deal of savings I had from before we lived together. We are back in the city now, and the increased living costs are putting even more strain on our finances. I have been trying to help him look for work but he has been having panic attacks or getting angry anytime I try and broach the subject or suggest jobs for him. He has also refused any professional help for both his depression/anxiety or even from a career advisor. He has lost confidence in his abilities from being out of the workforce and being bullied in a previous job. He’s in a very vulnerable spot at the moment and misses our old life, and I’m concerned he is suicidal. I don’t know how I can help him to regain his confidence and find work he finds fulfilling without stressing him out. I feel that continuing to support him staying at home won’t help him return to work or deal with his anxieties in the long run, and I’m worried about burning through the remainder of our nest egg. I also don’t like the weird power dynamic it has created. I don’t think I can support him alone. If you have any advice please let me know.

France22 I'm really scared to say the wrong thing...
  • replies: 2

I'm struggling with words. I need him, I need his strength, I'm not adept at being the sensitive one... I actually don't know what to say to him. I'm scared. I've asked him to get help. (He said he will...) the signs have been there for such a long t... View more

I'm struggling with words. I need him, I need his strength, I'm not adept at being the sensitive one... I actually don't know what to say to him. I'm scared. I've asked him to get help. (He said he will...) the signs have been there for such a long time, we have tip toed around the D word for a few years. All I can do is listen, I have no words of wisdom for him , no magic wand, no solution. Is there a reference publication for communicating correctly? Something I can read that will help avoid making it worse? Positive affirmations seem weak and not at all helpful. The old "hang in there kitty" sign keeps popping up in my head.. So inappropriate.

AdalineO How can I support my husband when we separate?
  • replies: 5

Hello. I have been married to my husband for nearly 12 years. He has been mentally ill for much of that time and I have supported him through a number of breakdowns, depression, anxiety and PTSD. He is also co-dependent. He is treated with medication... View more

Hello. I have been married to my husband for nearly 12 years. He has been mentally ill for much of that time and I have supported him through a number of breakdowns, depression, anxiety and PTSD. He is also co-dependent. He is treated with medication and attends sporadic counselling. He is a very good man who I love very much. However I do feel that our marriage has become one where he needs me, rather than wants me. I feel more like his mother than his wife. There is little to no intimacy in our relationship. Last year I discovered he had been spending huge sums of money from our business and has financially decimated us. This is not the first time he has used money to self-sabotage. Additionally he had spent thousands on my personal credit card which I am now paying off. The scale of the deception has led me to a very dark place. I now monitor all our money closely. He has asked that I keep our money in a separate account that he cannot access, and give him what he needs when he needs it. I am deeply unhappy about this as it feels abusive. I do not want to have control over him in any way. We have discussed this in marriage counselling and for now agreed this is the only way to ensure we have money to pay the bills. If there is money available he will spend it. Until this week I was committed to working on our marriage. Then two final demand letters arrived. He had taken out a zipmoney loan last year and had not been paying for it. Also, another business related loan he took out had not been paid and he owes $9k. He is stopped seeing his counsellor and I have to push him every time to make appointments and attend. I know his illness makes ‘simple’ acts like booking appointments seem like the impossible task. I feel that at this point I have to protect myself . I am so exhausted mentally and physically. I cannot see that his behaviour will ever change. I am nearly 40 and I’m terrified of being in this same situation in 10 years time. I am going to ask him for a separation in a few weeks. I first want to ensure he has support around him. Due to his mental health issues I am very worried about his reaction. I would so appreciate any helpful suggestions about how I can provide good support. Thank you in advance.

B -127 Supporting a loved one/partner/friend with anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi all, just a new face here Personally, I am not experiencing anxiety or depression myself but it is the reason I am here. My girlfriend of nearly 2 years recently made the decision to end our relationship. During our time together she has experienc... View more

Hi all, just a new face here Personally, I am not experiencing anxiety or depression myself but it is the reason I am here. My girlfriend of nearly 2 years recently made the decision to end our relationship. During our time together she has experienced episodes of anxiety that have caused some negative impact for us. To elaborate, She describes feeling overwhelmed and emotionally drained during these periods and this can cause her to lash out, personally attack or put down the people around her. I was on the receiving end of this several times that caused a few hurtful arguments. E.g She would call at 4am to angrily criticise me about a relationship issue that was raised earlier. This pattern could occur for days, typically I tried to calm her down but would angrily start ignoring her calls/msgs or argue back when I could no longer endure the constant put-downs. We tried learning from these and working on ourselves such as having her visit a professional counselor who could provide better emotional advice than I could. I myself tried to work on my anger and not lose my temper when on the receiving end of her anxiety triggered behaviors. In recent weeks , she told me, due to stress from life,work and uni, She feels her anxiety is at its worst point but that she wants to work on herself and get it under control. However she decided to break up as she feels unable to devote her energy to our romantic relationship ( which is long distance during uni semesters) at the same time and does not wish to put me through the stress of both supporting and worrying about her. She would rather we stay friends while she tries finding a stage where her anxiety is under control. Whilst it hurts a lot and I’m trying to distract myself. I’m mainly here to ask for some advice and tips of how I could help her through that journey or pass on to her? 1. What are some recommended resources ,strategies or services that she could try out? 2. What advice can you give partners or friends of those experiencing anxiety on healthy ways to support? 3. Any advice from those who have been in similar situations? I love this girl very much and miss her, but currently I just want to help her feel that she can overcome her demons and feel happy again. Thanks

Samvince Husband is on work cover and we are applying for impairment lump sum
  • replies: 2

My husband suffers from mental heaolth and has now suffering from ptsd due to been attacked at his work place . I was wondering if there is anyone else that is going through the same thing eg ; impairment payment and has been assessed etc .

My husband suffers from mental heaolth and has now suffering from ptsd due to been attacked at his work place . I was wondering if there is anyone else that is going through the same thing eg ; impairment payment and has been assessed etc .

BarebackBel Son newly diagnosed with depression
  • replies: 6

Morning all so I’m new to this forum and I have to tell you it’s been a hard week. I have 14yr old twin boys one who has Autism so life hasn’t always been easy in our family. His twin on Monday reached out via text with some concerning thoughts and d... View more

Morning all so I’m new to this forum and I have to tell you it’s been a hard week. I have 14yr old twin boys one who has Autism so life hasn’t always been easy in our family. His twin on Monday reached out via text with some concerning thoughts and desires. While i rushed to his school to get an explanation it was found that he has planned how he wants to end his life, where, when and knows how to access what he needs. I’m grateful that he reached out and that his school recognised so quickly that there was an issue but it’s been such a whirlwind and emotionally exhausting week. We have been to GP who did a mental health plan, diagnosed him with depression, referred us back to his paediatrician and also psychologist. We now have appointments booked every week for next 12 weeks. Overall while I know I’m lucky everyone has acted so quickly I’m still an absolute mess and exhausted and have no idea what to do. Any guidance is appreciated

Clamnation Working with my ex who i believe is narcissistic
  • replies: 2

Hi there, Never got involved in forums but I’m finding my current situation very difficult. i am currently working with my ex who I believe suffers from npd. She left me about 2 months ago after we had been together and living together for about 6-7 ... View more

Hi there, Never got involved in forums but I’m finding my current situation very difficult. i am currently working with my ex who I believe suffers from npd. She left me about 2 months ago after we had been together and living together for about 6-7 months officially. At the time I was completely heartbroken and so shocked how everything eventuated as I felt I put her first in everything. She did some terrible things but still managed to make me feel like it was my fault. Eventually breaking up with me. at the time I didn’t understand what npd was but since then the whole process has more or less made sense. i currently work with her and am in the middlefrom being there for her and moving on. I am totally confused has to what she wants but I have total trust issues and feel like she’s stringing me along . If I don’t give her attention she states I don’t care and I’m not trying to fix things. people are telling me to cut her off but she has made sucidal threats regualarly and says she has no one, no friends and she has a disjointed family. She tells me she’s worthless. She does have depression I really do not know what to do, I am there for her at work but it’s affecting my mental state immensely

Bluelight13 Feel helpless and lost
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm new to this online stuff, I've suffered social anxiety and depression on and off now for 10 years however over the past 12 months I have supporting and helping my partner who has bad anxiety and depression and has also mentioned not being her... View more

Hi, I'm new to this online stuff, I've suffered social anxiety and depression on and off now for 10 years however over the past 12 months I have supporting and helping my partner who has bad anxiety and depression and has also mentioned not being here as it will take all the pain away and I'm devistated when its mentioned. I'm struggling to stay positive and keep my own depression at bay so I can be there for him 100 percent. I feel helpless and that I'm making things harder or more difficult and not sure what to do.

Overwhelmed_Mum Support bipolar partner get help & stop drinking
  • replies: 1

Hi, I need help on how best to handle 2 situations. The past 2 years have been very full on with birth of our 3rd child that I had GD & turned high risk due to clinical errors thay I didn't receive the right care, a lot of family drama & a death on m... View more

Hi, I need help on how best to handle 2 situations. The past 2 years have been very full on with birth of our 3rd child that I had GD & turned high risk due to clinical errors thay I didn't receive the right care, a lot of family drama & a death on my partners side.We are now both dealing with our own mental health. I've been diagnosed with Anxiety and stress. Had 3 nervous breakdown in a year. He was originally diagnosed with depression & medicated unfortunately he's only become worse especially with any new problem that's come our way. He becomes distant, drinking, spends money we don't have & gets uncontrollable sexual urges. Then goes into what I call fix it mode getting financial help & trying to make up for his errors. He started seeing a psychologist but stopped. Everytime he goes through a bad stage it's worse one he become verbally abusive & then recently moved out leaving me & the kids in a terrible financial state he can't afford to pay child support & also have overdue bills. Hes waiting to see a psychiatrist to be correctly diagnosed doc thinks bipolar. Hes been drinking every day since even drop the kids of early so he can go drink. Said he had no money to help with school books but brought alcohol for a big weekend. I also found out he was trying to by drugs that weekend & that's never been him. We had a emergency Saturday night and he was to busy drinking to come help so I had all 3 kids at the hospital to 3.30am. The next day he was really remorseful & seen his GP & they are currently trying to get him emergency care. He dose open up to me when he's ready to hear it he told me what his sex drive feels like and yesterday how he doesn't even want to see the kids. Then he also pushes me away. how do I best help him though this with out making it worse? Also he doesn't know I even suspect this but he says stuff & know when he's lying so easy to put together. I believe he's spending a lot of time with someone from his work & I need to make him see it's not good for him. They tease co-workers via text, this person is a big drinker who sees it's ok to drown out your problems & I know this is his drug connection as he's told me once about a family member of there's been into that whole seen. So is there a way to gently help someone see this? He dose listen to me at times & have changed his view of something with putting across my opinion. thanks for reading & any help.