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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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MelBah Am I being unreasonable?
  • replies: 3

My son, aged 12, is having a mental health crisis which we are dealing with. My husband lives in another country atm but is also very worried about our son. He has resigned to move back with us in the near future. My husband is not good at acknowledg... View more

My son, aged 12, is having a mental health crisis which we are dealing with. My husband lives in another country atm but is also very worried about our son. He has resigned to move back with us in the near future. My husband is not good at acknowledging that mental health is an illness, he seems to think it is a weakness, and best not talked about. I’m a talker and have my own mental health issues as well. I am seeking support from close friends and health professionals in this extremely stressful time. My husband thinks that in seeking support I am disclosing information about our son that I shouldn’t and it is not fair on our son. My argument is that in order to get support I have to tell people why we are so stressed. But it is niggling at me....does he have a point? Should I be keeping my mouth shut?

Twiggs Long distance relationship: how can I support my partner?
  • replies: 3

Hi, I thought about asking for some advice cause I'm at a bit of a loss here, I've only been with my partner a few months, & he's told me from the beginning that he gets sad sometimes. We have a long distance relationship & see each other about twice... View more

Hi, I thought about asking for some advice cause I'm at a bit of a loss here, I've only been with my partner a few months, & he's told me from the beginning that he gets sad sometimes. We have a long distance relationship & see each other about twice a month, which is hard in itself, but we talk every single day, though I've noticed lately the times he's been feeling down have been more and more. Little comments & what I would consider minor things seem to trigger a mood swing, especially if he's been drinking. He was overweight as a kid and still has pretty big issues with that, even though now I would describe him as probably underweight, & tells me all the time how he hates the way he looks, so he gets quite down when he sees a reflection of himself. He's super hard on himself & constantly puts himself down. He also thinks he's such a burden on me & his friends when he gets down, thinks that people don't like him, & has said multiple times how he feels like he can't enjoy anything anymore. I've spent hours talking through things with him, but he's afraid to see a doctor because he thinks it'll confirm that there's "something wrong" with him or that he's "a broken person". Today he confessed he's had suicidal thoughts, though said he could never go through with it. It's super scary, & I've never been in a situation where the person I care about the most is having such an awful time. He knows I'm here for him, that he's not a burden to me, & how I find him incredibly attractive, but I feel like I'm not able to support him as much living 1500kms away. He won't open up to his friends (who are lovely & supportive) so I'm the only one he talks to about anything. I've tried doing some research, talking to his friends, asking him to see a doctor, telling him how important his is to me, but is there anything else I can do to help him that I've overlooked? I feel a little overwhelmed & extremely helpless, especially living so far away from him at the moment. Thanks so much for any tips or advice!

Katsu Please help me help my Dad
  • replies: 5

Hello everyone, I need some advice and help. So the last 1.5 years have been a rollercoaster for my family, I'll give a quick over view. I have had 3 operations due to my health, on a slow road to recovery now thanks goodness. My grandpa was diagnose... View more

Hello everyone, I need some advice and help. So the last 1.5 years have been a rollercoaster for my family, I'll give a quick over view. I have had 3 operations due to my health, on a slow road to recovery now thanks goodness. My grandpa was diagnosed with brain cancer and has now passed on, but in his 9month battle he was neglected and abused by his wife. My dad, his brother and myself had to give up out jobs and life to help him and make him comfortable in his battle. My dad had a bad car accident on his 27hr drive to my grandfather's and has still not made 100% recovery. My brother tried to commit suicide and is on the road to recovery. My step mum has walked out on my dad while he was on a memorial trip for my grandpa with his brother. Doesnt have any answer to what's happened, she wont talk to him. My dad suffers anxiety and depression, and the last week has not been good. He has lost a lot of weight, cant sleep or think/cant shut his brain off, not hungry, mentally not well either. I love my dad so much, we have a very strong relationship and I dont know how else to help. I have been going to his house every day, I have been cooking and taking him food, trying to get him to walk the dogs with me to get some fresh air, I have been listening/just being there and giving lots of love but he is getting worst. I have tried to get him into counseling or even talk to a friend but he keeps telling me all to much for him atm. I'm really lost on what more I can do or how i can help him, if anyone has any advice please help me help my dad. Thank you x

johnt88 Please help!
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this is long but hope someone can offer advice. My wife suffers from both depression & anxiety and takes medication. Lately she does not seem happy at all and she has told me she is struggling but doesn't know what she needs... View more

Hi everyone. I'm sorry if this is long but hope someone can offer advice. My wife suffers from both depression & anxiety and takes medication. Lately she does not seem happy at all and she has told me she is struggling but doesn't know what she needs. Some nights she's happy and we'll watch funny movies and laugh and talk but some nights she wants time to herself and she's down about something. She seems to be down most of the time, spends most of the weekend in bed and takes offence to small things sometimes. I am a very positive person so I always try to help her fix a problem or see the bright side of something or point out good things in our life but this can make it worse sometimes as she feels i'm dismissing her feelings., which I'm not trying to do. We have recently had fertility issues and are saving for IVF, which has hurt us both, both emotionally and financially, but with her MH history it has been harder on her. We have also lost pretty much all intimacy. Haven't had sex in over a year and she shows no interest and I've stopped trying or bringing it up. I love her. If she's not feeling up to sex thats fine, it's her I want to help I'm not being selfish hope it doesn't sound that way. She swears she is still attracted to me and also mentioned her meds can decrease sex drive. Not sure if that's true but I trust her word. She doesn't often feel like doing anything social with family/ friends and I am quite often having to make excuses as to why we or she can't come. I think it's a combination of the fertility issues, her work and her mental scars from being sexually abused as a child that have all added up but HOW do I help? I am also starting to get quite down myself and frustrated a bit as I feel like she's always in a down mood ( I hope i'm not sounding selfish) but also, she doesn't do much around the house anymore so I'm basically doing all the housework, as well as working and trying to help her and I'm getting exhausted too. I feel like I can't bring this or any of my own feelings/ worries/ stresses up cause she will blame herself and that will make her depression worse. I have found myself upset and exhausted some nights about it but I always pull myself out of it with positive thoughts as I am a happy person overall. I love my wife and I want her to be happy and I will do anything I can to help but I guess I'm just wanting some advice as to how to help her, while also reducing my stress and for us to both be happy. Please help!

CatA18 I'm scared that I don't know what I'm doing to help my partner
  • replies: 1

Hi. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety, I knew he had this since we met as at the time he was going through an episode and he told me about it so that I could walk away if I wanted to. I didn't as I could see he was worth it. He has had m... View more

Hi. My partner suffers from depression and anxiety, I knew he had this since we met as at the time he was going through an episode and he told me about it so that I could walk away if I wanted to. I didn't as I could see he was worth it. He has had many ups and downs over the past 12 months but at the moment is probably one of the worst times. He has a condition called Benign Fasciculation Syndrome, where his calves twitch constantly. It is a condition that is brought on by Anxiety and it doesn't cause any pain, it is not life threatening or anything like that - it is just purely annoying. Most of the time he doesn't even think about it but when he is in a dark place it is all he thinks about... "I have a rare Neurological Dissorder", "Its incurable" "Why me?". But it is not even his legs that spark this, it is alcohol and his head. His brain is very powerful. He has a tendency to use alcohol as a coping mechanism - He does not drink to enjoy it, he drinks to get drunk which in turn his mood changes. For the past week he has been drinking heavily, saying he wants to kill himself and that is is selfish that we want to keep him here for our own benefit. He is downright nasty to me when he is like that, which is so hard because he is so beautiful of a person when he is not going through this. It never gets easier to hear nasty comments and that he wants to take his own life. I try to remind him that there is so much to look forward to in our future - we are going overseas in 4 months, we are getting married next year and starting a family - which he wants so badly! but at the moment nothing excites him. He has not gone to work all week - he stays up until the early hours of the morning drinking then sleeps all day. The other night I was so close to calling an ambulance as he was so adamant he was going to end his life. I have booked an appointment for him to see his psychologist next week and I took him to the doctors yesterday who upped hismedication and was quite helpful, but he is still feeling horrible and I honestly do not know what to do. He also has next to no sex drive because of the medication so that in itself is hard. I am so scared that I am going to stuff everything up and he may end his life. Any advice on what I can do to help would be amazing. I am stressed constantly and overwhelmed! I have never had to do this before. Thank you x

constantly worried My dad suffers from terrible aggression, depression and anxiety- how can I help?
  • replies: 4

My dad is in his early 50's, and as long as I can remember has been miserable. My mother says it hasn't always been like this, it has become worse over time. I think he's always stressed about money and has a weird amount of pride so never wants to s... View more

My dad is in his early 50's, and as long as I can remember has been miserable. My mother says it hasn't always been like this, it has become worse over time. I think he's always stressed about money and has a weird amount of pride so never wants to seem like he's not coping with something. He's very superficially happy when he's around family, but then he goes home and retreats to his anger and misery. I've brought him books on getting help for depression and anxiety- but he's not interested and won't even admit there a possibility he has these issues. He is Greek, and so is his doctor. I think the cultural aspect plays a big part in this and doesn't want to appear weak. He also has diabetes and high cholesterol, which makes it worse. My mother and he had never really seen eye to eye on how to raise my siblings and I, which causes so many issues as well. We're all grown up now (16-25), but he still insists on controlling and babying us, whereas she is more relaxed and lets us live our lives. My biggest concern is that my mother will leave him. He's very aggressive and difficult to talk to and get along with. He is under the impression that everyone hates him and he's a bother, and that we love our mother more. While this is not true, but it is not hard to see where he gets the impression, as its very hard to have a conversation with him, and easy to talk to her. My mother and he are always fighting and can never seem to see eye to eye. She is very patient with him even though he's very difficult, but I see one day her giving up and leaving. Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be great. Thank you

sadandreallyconfused Worried for Ex with OCD/AVPD
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend of 7 years split up with me exactly 1 month ago, but over the last 2 years he had fallen into a bad mental health space with his OCD/AVPD, I'd been trying my best to support him but he has slowly disappeared from me and at the same time ... View more

My boyfriend of 7 years split up with me exactly 1 month ago, but over the last 2 years he had fallen into a bad mental health space with his OCD/AVPD, I'd been trying my best to support him but he has slowly disappeared from me and at the same time I've had to deal with his abusive toxic parents trying to split us up. Over the last 3 months he finally decided to go back to his psychologist which I was initially really happy about, because I felt like finally he had another person to support him and it wasn't just me propping him up anymore. I caught an awful virus and had to go into hospital for a week and I think it finally set him off, we had an awful argument about his abusive parents, which made him angry enough to start smashing things, since then he's not been the person I used to know. I think he's seriously unwell and has completely shut me out because I'm the only one who can see how unstable he is. His behavior of recent times has reminded me of my younger sister who has schizophrenia, she's been through a few episodes of psychosis before, it feels eerily similar. He's had face to face contact with me twice, both times we talked until the morning and it was really difficult because one minute he sounded like he wanted to be well and get better, get help, come back to the relationship. Next minute he wanted nothing to do with me. The next day he collected his stuff which I very carefully packed up for him, because I've realized there's nothing I can do and I just want to support him because I still very much love him, I decided to write a letter to his psychologist to explain what had happened from my position and how worrying it is to know that he's running around with people that have no idea he could be in a mania. He never replied or confirmed that he'd got my email, and I figured well that's okay I guess? I have no part in his life anymore. This week I got a letter in mail box from my ex saying why he's breaking up with me, what shocked me though was in this letter he said his psychologist had received my email about him, and had actually let my ex read it. I'd I'd sent this letter to his psych in confidence, I wanted him to know that my ex is very unwell, might need medication to help come back down, and that he might be totally telling you "everything" when you meet. My ex said his psych had explained that he was "Ethically Obliged" to show him the email. Would it be professional of a psychologist to actually do something like that?

TJayAre Partner admitted
  • replies: 1

My partner has just been admitted to hospital for a mental health assessment as he's been having suicidal thoughts. He's asked me to call his work for him in the morning to let them know he won't be in, I've just got no idea what to say to them or wh... View more

My partner has just been admitted to hospital for a mental health assessment as he's been having suicidal thoughts. He's asked me to call his work for him in the morning to let them know he won't be in, I've just got no idea what to say to them or who to talk to. I know it's really none of their business but obviously I have to say something. Hes only just started working there and he's worried they're going to fire him (he's still on probation). I just can't think straight, I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I just want him to be ok. But I need to do this for him and be strong. Also is there anyway we can get some kind of financial support, I'm currently on maternity leave so I don't get enough money to support the both of us. Please help I don't know what to do. He's a New Zealand citizen that's been living and working here for more than 10 years. I know centerlink don't have many options for nz citizens, so I don't know where else we can get financial support from.

Inneedofsupport Please help me help my son...
  • replies: 6

My son is 22 and has been struggling with anxiety and depression since high school. It has been a painful journey for my husband and I to watch him self sabotage himself through the years, we have been supportive in getting him help through psycholog... View more

My son is 22 and has been struggling with anxiety and depression since high school. It has been a painful journey for my husband and I to watch him self sabotage himself through the years, we have been supportive in getting him help through psychologists etc. and trying to set boundaries to keep him safe but he ended up moving out at 19 not wanting to accept our help. Sadly he has taken the path of self numbing with weed and alcohol mixed with no sleep he often goes to work very tired and that makes him a danger to himself and others around him. He has been prescribed different types of anti depressants which he is not consistent in taking at the initial stage. I have explained that it will not work if he doesn't stop the other staff, in fact will make his condition worst, but he won't listen. He has been reaching out to close friends the past few days as he has been feeling suicidal, we are very worried as part of us feel it could be for a little attention but we are scared of the potential that in a drunken/high state he will go through with it... When we ask if he is ok he says "I'm fine" ... I don't want to tell him his friend told me about it as he might feel betrayed and not feel like he can reach out to him. We always touch base and I tell him all the time that I love him no matter what, but I am so scared and don't know what I can do to help him if he won't help himself.

riverrock1981 Unsure how to feel
  • replies: 5

Hi all, I have inadvertently discovered that my wife of 6 years has been seeing a psychologist and is on medication for depression. While she has periods of low mood, I would never have thought that she was clinically depressed. She did suffer from d... View more

Hi all, I have inadvertently discovered that my wife of 6 years has been seeing a psychologist and is on medication for depression. While she has periods of low mood, I would never have thought that she was clinically depressed. She did suffer from depression as a teenager as a result of family issues but as long as I have known her, she had appeared to have moved on from that and was in a good place. She has had previous issues with credit card debt, where I have discovered on a number of occasions that she has secretly run up thousands of dollars on cards. It was as a result of discovering another instance of this, and in the ensuing argument, that she revealed that she was seeing a psychologist and that the spending was the result of an addiction fuelled by depression. Hence why I am really unsure how to feel. On the one hand, I am angry and upset that once again, she has betrayed my trust and lied to me, but on the on the other hand, I am concerned for her well being. She is wonderful, loving mother to our 2 little girls, and while she does have difficulty in showing affection as a result of her upbringing, we do have a good relationship (although it does have it's issues) So, effectively, I'm torn between the love and loyalty i feel towards my wife, and the anger i feel at being misled and deceived. I am also concerned about what this will mean for our relationship, both the depression and my loss of trust. I also wonder at what point do I say that depression, or no depression, enough is enough and I need to walk away (both for my own mental well-being and financial security for myself and our children). Thanks in advance for any thoughts or comments