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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Sal222 Boyfriend attempted suicide now back on Ice
  • replies: 1

Hi all, My boyfriend tried to commit suicide on the other day and was thankfully unsucessful. He has been suffering with depression and addictions for most of his life and has always struggled with suicidal thoughts. He refused to go to hospital and ... View more

Hi all, My boyfriend tried to commit suicide on the other day and was thankfully unsucessful. He has been suffering with depression and addictions for most of his life and has always struggled with suicidal thoughts. He refused to go to hospital and he says he knows he needs help but isn’t ready to get some. Since then he has been hanging out with a “friend” who he is doing ice with (has been off it for a fe months). He has barely slept or eaten since his attempt. He asked me last night for a few days apart because he says it’s what he needs. I want to give him what he needs (trying not to smother him with love ) however am terrified that something will happen as he lives alone. This “friend” keeps trying to intervene in our relationship and called me on the phone last night to tell me she thinks that me and him do need some space. I’m worried that she is manipulating him and Is using his depressed State to drive a wedge between us (she has a lot of opinions about a relationship that isn’t hers) and keeps encouraging him to do ice with her. not sure what what I should do or where I should go from here? Please send through any advice

fullsunn Friend is being abused to the point of suicide
  • replies: 1

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this post. My apologies if this is in the wrong topic or anything like that !! My friend has been emotionally abused by his father for most of his life. I only just found this out last year, but in the last six ... View more

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this post. My apologies if this is in the wrong topic or anything like that !! My friend has been emotionally abused by his father for most of his life. I only just found this out last year, but in the last six months or so, the abuse had gone from tolerable for him to soul-crushing. I won’t go into details, but it’s bad. He’s being manipulated and torn and it’s just awful He hates himself bc he believes all the shitty lies his father tells him and he covers it up w/ shitty millennial humour. Tonight, he told me he’d do anything to stop hurting. Like he was begging to die because he doesn’t see the point in anything. I know he was being serious and I’m scared. He doesn’t have many friends who know about his situation, and I’m just about the only person he can turn to. I really want to help him, but I’m honestly not the best person for support. I shut down sometimes, and I get really scared that on a bad day , something’s going to happen to him. We’re still minors, so professional help is pretty impossible. Plus he refuses to get help out of fear of his dad. Our school is largely not understanding of mental illnesses and the teachers are kinda useless. I keep telling him to get help and get out of there but he’s staying bc his mom and siblings are still there. The abuse is only directed at him though. Is there anything I can do to help him? Like an online therapist or an anonymous abuse support group or ?? Or should I tell our school councillors about his situation ????

Thepot Dealing with bipolar husband and his judgmental family is driving me to the edge
  • replies: 1

I am struggling severely. We are migrants (citizens now) and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago after a few suicide attempts. Co-existing to that he has alexithymia, meaning that he is unable to interpret or display emotion co... View more

I am struggling severely. We are migrants (citizens now) and my husband was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 4 years ago after a few suicide attempts. Co-existing to that he has alexithymia, meaning that he is unable to interpret or display emotion correctly and in context. I was immediately assumed to be his carer even though I was already diagnosed with MS and in treatment for Complex PTSD. See, my mother is also bipolar with borderline personality and I was sort of "not treated well" as a child. I, therefore, had this wonderful life filled with the experience of bipolar disorder and abuse..... My husband's main trigger is his family, but as you can suspect this is also his biggest denial. Things go very well when we do not hear from them, but as his mother is very old (92) she is almost dead every now and again, which raises them up to put blame on me for his behavior. As they put it they do not believe that he is bipolar and that he "is made to act in this way by me". When he is triggered he obviously goes into a psychotic phase and takes on their personalities, blaming me for the very same things they do. And he takes out all the anger he has towards them on me. I have reached a point now where I know that I am in danger. I struggle to practice self-care. I cannot eat and struggle to sleep as I cry all the time. My brain has shut down. I want to leave but I live with the threat that he will get worse and possibly kill himself if I do that. I know that I am currently in the abused position and that I just need to get my mind right again to be able to move forward. There must be people out there who are going through this or have gone through this. I do not need patronizing advice. I need real help to get my own mind out of the gutter. I am generally a very caring person, but I struggle to care now. And that scares and hurts me. Any advice, please

berg401 Relationship breakdown
  • replies: 1

I started dating a girl about 10 months ago. She is a compassionate, intelligent and caring person. She told me she I had come from an abusive marriage, on about our 5th date. She is still being abused by her ex because they have a kid together when ... View more

I started dating a girl about 10 months ago. She is a compassionate, intelligent and caring person. She told me she I had come from an abusive marriage, on about our 5th date. She is still being abused by her ex because they have a kid together when ever I trie to talk to her when she' s upset about something she shuts down and looks terrified her dad got sick and was in hospital. She was travelling long distances . Then one day she rang me up and said “I think we should be friends” this was devastating to me. I said I don't agree worth your decision but I respect it and will support you the best I can. then one day she rang meat work, she said she was fine then she said dad died. I left work to go see how she was and took her some frozen meals . She was not coping well at all, I had never seen her so down. This was also the first time I had seen her in 2 months. The following week I txt, I would like to support you as a friend, is it ok if I come to the funeral? We didn't speak much, everyone was going up to her all day, it looked overwhelming I went there on the way home and she didn't seem to be quite herself. When I left I, she said she doesn't hug anymore. She also said no one is allowed to ask how she is and she doesn't talk about the death or anything with anyone So I decided to write a letter, In the letter I said I recognise in her some of the signs of depression that I had exhibited and that I suffered depression and was quite a few years before I sought help and I don't want to see you make the same mistake I did. I also gave her a book on ptsd and offered alternatives to counselling She has now cut me off completely, blocked me on all social media. I sent her one text on Friday and that is all. I know I wasn't the best boyfriend or friend, I made mistakes, I tried my best to be understanding and supportive. Most of the time I didn't know what to say or do. I have now also lost a friend. , I feel like I have failed both of us. I agonised about whether I should tell her or not for weeks, in the I decided that had someone done the same for me I may not have wasted so many years of my life. I chose the letter as an option because, I was anxious sharing; she doesn't handle things all that well in person I am crushed at the moment and feel worthless. I suspect she has mental challenges from past and current trauma. . I don't want her to feel abandoned, I think she needs support now more than ever.

LivingHome Living with someone with PTSD & Anxiety.
  • replies: 18

I am looking for other people who live with/married to, someone with PTSD anxiety and what they do to look after themselves? The lack of communication, enthusiasm, failure to participate in life & constantly having to motivate my husband is starting ... View more

I am looking for other people who live with/married to, someone with PTSD anxiety and what they do to look after themselves? The lack of communication, enthusiasm, failure to participate in life & constantly having to motivate my husband is starting to wear me down. He has regular Psych appointments & he is medicated but learnt behaviours and coping mechanisms means that we are constantly on a tail chasing story. How do other partners get fulfilment in their lives? How do they stop their partners' anxiety/depression suffocating their lives or break free from Ground hog day? How do they stop feeling depressed? I understand his diagnosis and support him, but I noticed I am starting to unravel. I am tired of "talking" about his lack of acknowledgement of the things that happen to me. I am tired and hurt & over being angry.

Vali Reaching out to my depressed ex
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site, so thank you for your help in advance. I'm in a very painful situation with my ex, who moved to Australia from the UK late last year. He very quickly spiraled into depression and was feeling suicidal within five week... View more

Hi everyone, I'm new to the site, so thank you for your help in advance. I'm in a very painful situation with my ex, who moved to Australia from the UK late last year. He very quickly spiraled into depression and was feeling suicidal within five weeks of arriving. We have been together for two years, have known each other for four, and are married. He hadn't experienced depression in the time I've known him although, looking back, there were some warning signs that he was developing signs of a nervous breakdown before he arrived. Unfortunately, my partner began blaming me for the depression very quickly, saying that issues he had with my communication style were resulting in him not being able to make plans to stay in Australia, and hence look for work, make friends, etc., and that all of this meant that he was depressed. I felt that my communication style was how it had always been but nonetheless tried to address his concerns and improve what he was asking me to. The problem was that once I fixed one issue, another one would emerge. He became extremely nasty over the six months that he was here and was verbally abusive at times; he felt that I ruined his life by asking him to move to Australia. I financially supported him the whole time he was here, tried to get him to seek professional help, tried to support him, etc. but it didn't help - in fact, it made the situation worse. One night I told him that I needed a break from talking about suicide, and he has never let me forget this. My ex has returned to the UK to recover and has asked that I not contact him so that he can begin a new phase of his life. I haven't contacted him for nearly a month. I'm torn, as when he was here, he would insist that I not contact him/never speak to him again, etc. and then be quite surprised that I wouldn't reach out and try to make amends 'if I actually wanted to relationship'. I want to respect where he's at and his healing, but it's painful to not be able to be there for him. I'm not sure if it would be helpful or harmful to reach out and tell him that I still care and that I'm here if he needs or wants me. I suspect I need to leave him be. I'm grieving myself, as I feel like this disease has robbed me of my husband. At the same time, some of his behaviour was abusive, and I know that depression is no excuse for that. It's a phenomenally sad time. I'd appreciate any advice on how to support someone in this situation.

SkyBlue1330 How to help my depressed boyfriend
  • replies: 1

Hi I decided to write this post because i need to vent and also get some advice. My 25 year old boyfriend whom i have been with for 6 years is very depressed. This is the first time since we have been together that it has been this bad. It seems to b... View more

Hi I decided to write this post because i need to vent and also get some advice. My 25 year old boyfriend whom i have been with for 6 years is very depressed. This is the first time since we have been together that it has been this bad. It seems to be very sudden that his behaviour has changed (last 3 months). He has all of a sudden taken up smoking and he drinks himself into oblivion. He talks about ending his life and says he is a bad person. He tells me that he is not a good person and that i deserve better. I tell him that i love him and that he is going through a rough patch. He has been prescribed anti depressents by his doctor which he has been taking. He has good days but when he has a bad day i just dont know how to help him. He wont listen to me and i end up in tears because of what he says and just from worry. Should i talk to his doctor myself? Should i get him to do counselling? How do i help him as i just dont know what to do.

Leesh91 I want to help my boyfriend
  • replies: 3

Hey Everyone, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, he is an amazing person who can light up a room and make anyone feel awesome but he’s not ok. I’ve always known he struggles with his mind but lately he has been getting worse. His anx... View more

Hey Everyone, I have been with my boyfriend for nearly two years, he is an amazing person who can light up a room and make anyone feel awesome but he’s not ok. I’ve always known he struggles with his mind but lately he has been getting worse. His anxiety has gotten to the point that he’s self medicating with anything available. He’s got three different versions on himself that I see throughout the week and I don’t know how to help. The week will begin as himself and by Wednesday he’ll start to crack and just want to go party or stay up all night then by Saturday he’s in a rage and becomes super depressed and then will reset by Monday morning. It’s sounds crazy but it’s been happening every week for a couple of months, I’m pretty sure he’s been doing drugs other than drinking as he’ll shut down when I bring it up. As it’s Monday I know he’ll be clear today so I’m hoping to get some advice, we’ve been talking about going to see someone but we don’t have the money or private health insurance. I am hoping someone on here has some advice of a bulk billing GP that they could recommend for a referral or that’s just friendly and caring enough to help him. We live on the Gold Coast. Thank you for reading.

Redy My husband has depression
  • replies: 2

Good afternoon, My husband and i have been together for 23 years next week.6 months ago my daughter and i had moved out because i couldnt deal with this anymore. Hes had been mentally ill for 2 years now and my husband has manic depression, bipolar a... View more

Good afternoon, My husband and i have been together for 23 years next week.6 months ago my daughter and i had moved out because i couldnt deal with this anymore. Hes had been mentally ill for 2 years now and my husband has manic depression, bipolar and hes an alcoholic. He has been taking hes medication and going to GP regularly but this week he had replase with alcohol and and i told him he needs to work on getting him self better before we work on our relationship. He is seeing a mental health Dr next week and he said he is going to beat this once and for all, which is great My question is, i feel unwanted, that he doesn't love me anymore and too scared to tell me. I am going to stick by him 100% like i always have but how do i cope? How do deal with this? How do i be strong for me and my daughter? And what other ways can i be there for him? Any advice would be great Thanks

Sylph12 How can I help my boyfriend with depression?
  • replies: 4

Currently I am struggling to help my boyfriend with his depression and I am wondering how I can help him to seek out a psychologist. I was diagnosed with depression myself last year and since then have gone to a few sessions with a psychologist. I fo... View more

Currently I am struggling to help my boyfriend with his depression and I am wondering how I can help him to seek out a psychologist. I was diagnosed with depression myself last year and since then have gone to a few sessions with a psychologist. I found that it really helped me and I wish that my boyfriend could see the benefits of seeing one. He has never been officially diagnosed with depression, but having had it, as well as seeing multiple family members struggle with it as well, I think that he does have depression and/or anxiety. However he is very adamant about not getting professional help and hasn't even told his family about his concerns. I've noticed that he has been like this since I met him a year and a half ago, but he has told me it's been a lot longer. The pressure is really getting to me as his best friend and girlfriend as I am still struggling with my own mental health. I managed to find a blog post that accurately describes how I feel, even with our different types of depression being represented as well. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/partner-needs-therapy.htm However, I don't know how to talk to him about anything to do with this topic because anything I say will make him upset. I would like him to be open to the possibility of seeing a psychologist, or even a GP to get an actual diagnosis from a medical professional. His refusal to seek help is making things quite hard for me to look after both myself and him too. Honestly I don't know how much longer I can keep it up before breaking, but I would hate to have to separate from him. I really love him and I hate seeing him like this without any willingness to get professional help. Do you have any suggestions for this situation? (Sorry for such a long message)