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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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DrDutchie Seeking peers living with depressed partners for uplifting support
  • replies: 2

Hi! i hope you are doing well. I am on this forum as I would like to meet other people who live with depressed partners just for uplifting support. My husband has been suffering from depression most of his life, and this has gotten really at the fore... View more

Hi! i hope you are doing well. I am on this forum as I would like to meet other people who live with depressed partners just for uplifting support. My husband has been suffering from depression most of his life, and this has gotten really at the forefront since having children, now 12 years ago. There have been ups and downs over this time, and usually I have been able to remain positive as that is my usual nature. But now we are back down again, which this time coincides with things not going well for me as well. I do not have the energy to cope with his negativity. Our relationship is deteriorating, I am losing my positivity, and I just do not see a way out. A dear friend recommended beyond blue to me for ‘peer support’. Could anyone here please point me in the right direction and provide links to forum groups or threads? Thanks so much!

Preston1979 17 year old daughter depression anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone, I’m in a bit of a parenting nightmare. My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression and has recently been medicated for this using an SSRI, the first one she had what we though were adverse effects which were losses of massive chunk... View more

Hi everyone, I’m in a bit of a parenting nightmare. My daughter struggles with anxiety and depression and has recently been medicated for this using an SSRI, the first one she had what we though were adverse effects which were losses of massive chunks of memory which we were very frightened over and a doctor switched her to a new one, however in the end we found out that she was drinking alcohol with the SSRI and this can cause memory blackouts and even personality changes. Going of only the idea she had memory blackouts and not knowing about the alcohol her doctor wants her reviewed for bipolar, no family history and no other indications. However her psychologist said she does not see anything more than anxiety/depression so why would our doctor be referring her? Would this just be to cross all bases? Also would a psychologist that has been seeing my daughter for months now have a better idea than our family doctor who she doesn’t see that often? I’m also struggling as I am trying not to take on board all of this stress and my daughters own personal worries but I can’t help it, we have other children and it’s not fair on them. My daughter is 17 and 18 early next year, I need to learn to take a step back and let her lead her own life. Any tips on how to do this please? I’ve tried a counselling service but I am so damn head strong is doesn’t help me. I just worried so much about her it’s ridiculous.

Luga New to this. Depressed partner seeming to become distant and isolated. How do I approach?
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am new to supporting someone with a mental illness. My partner of just over a year has depression, and is beginning to push me away. We live separately, both at our family homes. I would like to connect with her however am unsure of how to appr... View more

Hi, I am new to supporting someone with a mental illness. My partner of just over a year has depression, and is beginning to push me away. We live separately, both at our family homes. I would like to connect with her however am unsure of how to approach delicately as each time so far has been met with a push back. How do you approach when the person is crawling into hibernation? My current plan, is mostly to make sure I remain okay, as I have my own relational trauma background that can cause me to get triggered in a situation (for example) when there is something persistently wrong, and I am at fault , and so if I'm not okay, I won't be of any good to her. But what I want to do is make sure she still knows that I value the relationship very much so, and I value her. Should I text? Should I write? Please no "it could be worse" replies. I get that everyone is at different stages, and these commentssuggest competition. Politely I request constructive feedback or sharing of similar experiences perhaps at the beginning when the scary wraith at the end of the dimly lit corridor was just starting to make itself known. Thanks in advance, Luga

Melsyck2019 Husband won't return home as wants to do it on his own
  • replies: 5

Hi All, I'm hoping to get some advice in regards to my husband suffering with Depression and Anxiety. I knew that he always had a past with depressed feelings etc but its not something I have really had to witness in the last 5 years we have been tog... View more

Hi All, I'm hoping to get some advice in regards to my husband suffering with Depression and Anxiety. I knew that he always had a past with depressed feelings etc but its not something I have really had to witness in the last 5 years we have been together until earlier this year. He was a FIFO worker for 3 years that we decided to bring him home earlier this year and have some more normality rather than the isolation he felt whilst working away. He reached out to a psychologist earlier this year and 3 sessions in he felt great and was doing so well that he decided to stop. We unfortunately have had a few horrible things thrown at us this year (miscarriage, family issues etc) but he seemed to do really well through those. The past month I have seen his behaviour change and the alcohol increase. He has been sleeping very late, when he used to be up quite early to start the day, his appetite had decreased and he had increased the alcohol intake and enjoyed the feeling of losing himself to the alcohol when we were in a social setting. He had become quite withdrawn and cold towards me in the recent weeks that I tried chatting to him and asked him if he was interested in seeing the psychologist again to his response of 'she cant fix my past'. There has been a few recent events lately of him going out till all hours of the morning, spending a huge amount of money and returning whenever he liked without keeping me in the loop. He asked for space, I was reluctant but one weekend when I had more than enough I agreed to the space and he then unfortunately hit his breaking point and booked the psychologist. He has since been diagnosed with severe depression and has been placed on medication. During this he has chosen to move out to our friends house so we can both have 'space' - this was 2 weeks ago and now he wont come home. I went around to our friends last week (1 week after he left) and he explained he needs to do this on his own, come to terms with his diagnosis, has no energy to put in to our relationship right now, needs to get his head right etc before he can come home. I find this hard because I believe we are a team and I should be there to support him along the way but he is adamant he doesn't want anything from me right now. I have tried to reach out via text messages every few days with no response - including a phone call that wasn't answered last night. I am so scared he is going to push me away for good, we will be married 1 year next month.

Dingus My difficult situation w/ my best friend
  • replies: 2

2016, diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. From year 10 to now, I’ve been dealing with restrictive eating habits and the inability to accept myself. I don’t want to get into huge detail so I’ll get straight to the point. Recently my parents split up, and... View more

2016, diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. From year 10 to now, I’ve been dealing with restrictive eating habits and the inability to accept myself. I don’t want to get into huge detail so I’ll get straight to the point. Recently my parents split up, and my Dad moved to a different state for work, so it’s only my brother and I living at home. At the start of this year (2019), I started to become very close to a friend of mine who has had an awful upbringing and is currently diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. I welcomed her into my home where she could get away from her Dad, who has bipolar and makes her upset. The year was going well, I started smoking marijuana with her as she was quite addicted to it. I eventually became addicted to it myself where I’d smoke it every night. I decided to quit smoking and our friendship took a huge turn. An incident happened to her (including her family) that broke her trust. Unfortunately my she has extreme paranoia and if one thing goes wrong, she crashes and burns. Throughout this whole year, it has felt like I’ve been her care taker as she would always sit on her problems and it felt like she constantly needed support from me. I’ve been losing weight recently and have been feeling quite frustrated and drained from all her negativity and breakdowns, so I decided to try and do my own thing for a while which got difficult as we live together. I would always tell her supporting advise, to look after herself, like what I’m trying to do, but she is extremely unhealthy and needed an adult to help her because I obviously wasn’t helping. It’s really upsetting to me because I believe I’ve began to dislike her presence and talking to her as she has become so intense with her language and very sensitive. She has abandonment issues and hates being alone which doesn’t help. For the past couple of weeks, I constantly feel like an awful person for not being with her as often as I was at the start of this year. Half of me is telling me to be with her and to support her, whereas the other half of me just wants to get away from this mess as I have my own life to deal with. I had a talk to her and pretty much let my feelings out, saying that I don’t think it’s healthy for her to live here anymore as it has become too hard to cope with and that I believe she needs better help... Apparently she self-harmed. I can’t stop thinking about this and I just wish I never put myself in this situation.

Echo18 Newbie
  • replies: 2

Hi, I've joined the forum as a partner of a person with Bipolar Disorder. I have complex PTSD amongst other health issues and have difficulty coping with my partner's illness as well as my own much of the time. Hoping to meet other carers, partners o... View more

Hi, I've joined the forum as a partner of a person with Bipolar Disorder. I have complex PTSD amongst other health issues and have difficulty coping with my partner's illness as well as my own much of the time. Hoping to meet other carers, partners or family members of BP sufferers. Social anxiety has prevented me from joining a public forum in the past so this is a tad scary! My thanks to all who contribute to provide a safe and supportive place for people like me, much appreciated. Echo18

CAREE How do you help if they won’t let you in?
  • replies: 1

I have been married for 13 years to my husband and we have 3 beautiful children. Retrospectively I think he has always suffered from depression. He has had highs and lows from the start and for years I thought it was my problem, that he pushed me awa... View more

I have been married for 13 years to my husband and we have 3 beautiful children. Retrospectively I think he has always suffered from depression. He has had highs and lows from the start and for years I thought it was my problem, that he pushed me away, didn’t communicate, isolated himself and had no time, energy or tolerance for his family. Until one day talking to a psychologist made me realise that the issues were not my own. I always had made excuses for his behaviours, blamed myself or made arrangements so that I didn’t have to rely on him (because he was unreliable). To ensure that my own needs for friendship and adult conversation were met I became a work alcoholic until my children begged me to resign and my husband threatened I wouldn’t have a family to come home to if this was to continue. Since I resigned I have realised that it wasn’t a threat it was a cry for help. He had spiralled down so low he no longer saw the positives and has continued to do so. So I did what I thought was right tried to talk to him, asked if he was suicidal and took him to the GP because he said he was and ensured he was on a mental health plan and ensured he started talking to a psychologist. The issue is that he is getting worse, he states the psychologist is a waste of time and money. He is becoming more socially isolated and his kids are now avoiding him due to unpredictable behaviours. I know that he had suffered as a child due to family violence although he won’t talk to me. I just wish he would let me in. There is really nothing that he could say that could hurt me. It surely is better than living in purgatory? How can I help him if he’s not willing to let me in and get help? What should I do, stay with him whilst his destructive behaviours are being detrimental to our children? Would love your thought.

SpidersWeb In times of high stress how do you manage yourself when dealing with bipolar?
  • replies: 2

My partner told me of his Borderline BP after seven months of living together – those seven months were a very confusing roller-coaster time, where I didn’t know what was happening, so I’m sure I was doing and saying all the wrong things. Since that ... View more

My partner told me of his Borderline BP after seven months of living together – those seven months were a very confusing roller-coaster time, where I didn’t know what was happening, so I’m sure I was doing and saying all the wrong things. Since that time he has never given me any further information about what his BP means to him or how to manage the circumstances, he refuses to go on medication and does not seek any therapy. A few months later, after another round of him leaving without cause and me going into meltdown I started having some panic attacks (thankfully hasn’t happened since) – it was scary but I took myself off to a psychiatrist to try and get more information about what it meant to be living in this situation. The prognosis was pretty dire and I was basically told that if I wasn’t careful, I would end up in hospital because living in this situation is extremely difficult. It’s now been two years. Every few months we have the usual round of him leaving when I need to discuss some behavior (he has done things that I would find unacceptable in any other relationship) and I go into meltdown and say/do all the wrong things. I know I should just let him go during these times but when I’m trying to discuss things like adults and get some answers I become so frustrated. I have made huge lifestyle changes to try and accommodate, and have continued to have consultation with psychiatrists periodically and read to educate myself. He has currently been away from home for over four weeks and during that time we have had minimal contact often with fighting and nastiness on both sides. But, this one was a doozy and my fault. I could see that he was in a cycle for probably at least two weeks and was trying to give him outs to manage the cycle, but then I pushed for some big life decisions that were on a deadline and after he just kept avoiding a response I exploded! I am pretty appalled at myself and I know that with BP he does not have empathy for the process I am going through. My question is, in times of high stress how do you manage yourself – how do you switch off and breathe in that moment of total frustration so it doesn't lead to four weeks of two people feeling bad? I’m healthy, exercise regularly and ordinarily a very calm person. I have loads of support (admittedly my friends and family don’t quite “get it”, and wonder why I put myself through this – the answer is because I love him and I wouldn’t “get it”, either if I hadn’t been through it).

sunflower01 How to support my anxious boyfriend
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone! I'm a new member and was hoping I'd get some advice on how to deal and support my boyfriend who suffers greatly from anxiety. Over the years, I've slowly learnt what and what not to do/say in some situations. He has seen many councillors... View more

Hi everyone! I'm a new member and was hoping I'd get some advice on how to deal and support my boyfriend who suffers greatly from anxiety. Over the years, I've slowly learnt what and what not to do/say in some situations. He has seen many councillors in his life but always goes back to his anxious ways. My boyfriend is prone to overthink everything, especially in scenarios where he is torn between doing the "rational" thing or doing what will make him and myself happy. I'm worried about the things I say to him will cause him to overthink again and take him back to a dark place. He has thought about suicide, to which I'm still struggling to let go of, even though he has moved on. I am trying really hard to there for him, but I feel useless. I've read articles on anxiety and spoken to his close relatives to see how they deal with it. I want to provide the best support I can by being there and loving him, but I become irritated when I think he is being too irrational and too emotional. I hope someone can please help me. I would really appreciate all the help I can get. thank you!

Rosie_Red Should I keep trying or am I being manipulated?
  • replies: 4

how can I tell if my ex is just a narcissist or if he is truely struggling? He is a drug addict and compulsively lies, he has hated me for months because he’s convinced I made him homeless, abandoned him and took away his daughter (even though I sent... View more

how can I tell if my ex is just a narcissist or if he is truely struggling? He is a drug addict and compulsively lies, he has hated me for months because he’s convinced I made him homeless, abandoned him and took away his daughter (even though I sent him to live with his mum due to meth use lies and verbal abuse, I have supported him even though he’s abusive verbally/emotionally and he is allowed to visit his daughter/call any time but refuses too) He will hate me and abuse me via text one day then stop all contact with me for weeks then will finally reply and say things like “you have no idea the thoughts in my head” “daughter is better off without me” He also over exaggerates his drug use to make me worry/feel guilty how do I know if he’s struggling with addiction depression and anxiety or if he’s just stringing me along? I can’t tell if he is lying about the extent of his depression and extent of his drug use or actually depressed and using heavy drugs due to unhealthy addiction? He told me he had a seizure from drugs and I forced him to come stay with me and he cried for 2 days while I lectured him on why does he do this/doesn’t he wonder why I still stick by him after his abusing and he just sobbed, he then went back home (2 hrs away) and has cut all contact with me not replying to anything for 4 weeks? Only once he replied “I don’t know, I just don’t want to talk to anyone, all I do is drink myself to sleep” but I know he has been going around friends houses so he is not secluding himself from everyone just me and his baby? Is he giving me the run around? Am I just his backup plan for when he decides he needs a confidence boost? Do I cut him off and move on or keep messaging and telling him I love him even though I get no reply? Is he laughing at how pathetic I am by still trying from the other side of the phone while he’s actually enjoying himself or is he in a state of crisis and pushing me away? Help!!!