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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Huckle Desperately looking for help
  • replies: 10

After struggling with treatment resistant depression for the past 4 years, my 23yo daughter ended up on life support in ICU 2 weeks ago after (her first) suicide attempt. This is an event I'd predicted and I've lived in constant dread, worrying ... n... View more

After struggling with treatment resistant depression for the past 4 years, my 23yo daughter ended up on life support in ICU 2 weeks ago after (her first) suicide attempt. This is an event I'd predicted and I've lived in constant dread, worrying ... not about "if" but about "when". However, as I always try to look for the good things in all situations, I'm grateful that the story thus far is different to what I'd predicted. After 4 days in ICU, "medically" she is ok, there is another chance to help her. The problem is she has tried all treatments from ECT to TMS and many different cocktails of "the best" medications. She diligently attends psychology groups/courses designed to help her destructive thoughts, she is a good patient, a sensible patient, an easy patient and she tries so hard to help herself. But for her, this makes the situation more hopeless. Everytime she tries something new that doesn't alleviate her pain the situation becomes even more hopeless and she is tired and running out of energy to keep fighting. Right now I feel she needs some extra support with mixed emotions from a failed suicide attempt, she is not only experiencing her usual mental health issues but she has added trauma and grief which are really affecting her. I'm running out of ideas to find help and I feel desperate that there may not be a next chance. I foolishly imagined that she would have received counseling about what she was thinking/feeling at the time she tried to take her life and there would be some sort of trauma counseling so she could talk things through. She desperately wants to talk to someone objective/impartial. She is really hurting. Help is so hard to find, she can't even get an appointment with her psychologist for a month. She sees her psychiatrist in hospital but he doesn't really talk to her, just tells her he has tried everything and it's up to her, then he tweaks her meds a bit more. I will do absolutely anything to get her the help she needs and I will do absolutely anything to help her myself but I feel like I just don't know where to turn. Any ideas would be really appreciated. Thank you.

WorriedPartner1 My spouse is pushing me away.. what can I do?
  • replies: 9

My spouse of 5 years suffers with depression. He is currently trying to manage it on his own. A fortnight ago it became so unbearable he was wanting to end his life. He decided he needed space, and wanted to distance himself from his family and mysel... View more

My spouse of 5 years suffers with depression. He is currently trying to manage it on his own. A fortnight ago it became so unbearable he was wanting to end his life. He decided he needed space, and wanted to distance himself from his family and myself, in order to sort through his emotions. He didn't speak to me for a week. As he is a regular FIFO worker, it was an opportunity for him to get the space he needed. Communication with me has been lacking, but I have heard from friends that he is answering phone calls. He is battling with his self worth, self esteem and currently questioning our marriage. He feels like he can't love others if he doesn't love himself. He has been suffering with depression for a while, however this is very unusual behaviour toward our relationship. He has been withdrawn from regular hobbies. There have been no sudden changes, that I can think of which may have contributed, but I can't know for certain. I know we both make each other very happy. We are always laughing and affectionate toward one another. As we've both been in toxic partnerships before, we are very conscious of how we treat each other, often talking about our emotions. I understand the feelings related to self worth are impacting what he thinks he does or doesn't deserve. I think pushing me away seems like the only thing in his control right now. I have been doing everything I can to show my support. I have encouraged him to seek help from services provided by mine sites. Giving him space, alerting his family, letting him know I am here, offering to collect scripts and making an appointment for him to visit a councillor if he wishes to. I have stressed there is no obligation to attend, but the offer is there if he wants to go down that path. I am very worried for his safety. He is still refusing to communicate with me beyond a text message every few days. He is due to return home after his regular 2 week swing, only having 1 week of R&R. However I am afraid he will continue to isolate, demanding more space and time, perhaps not even living with me when he returns home. Ultimately, trying to push me away until I finally leave. I have made it clear, I am sticking by him during his journey. He seems to ignore this part. Is there any advice on how I can make him feel more supported? How can I show my husband that pushing people away right now may not be the right answer? How long should I wait before reaching out in person if he continues to want space?

Mel_Re How do I help my depressed husband 😢
  • replies: 8

Hi Everyone, I am in need of some advice and help please. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My husband has depression (diagnosed prior to us meeting) and it seems to be particularly bad at the moment. Whenever I try to talk to my him ab... View more

Hi Everyone, I am in need of some advice and help please. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. My husband has depression (diagnosed prior to us meeting) and it seems to be particularly bad at the moment. Whenever I try to talk to my him about anything that I'm not particularly happy with I get the response -he hates himself he never does anything right and he may as well go die. I generally try to avoid bringing up any subjects as I tend to be left feeling unheard and I then need to make sure he is ok. Of late I have noticed more and more that he is unable to hold a conversation with me, I can be in the middle of talking and he will cut me off and start talking about something completely different. It feels like he has so much on his mind that he doesn't concentrate on anything anyone is saying. He seems to also have a lack of motivation, sex drive, is very negative and just spends anytime he can getting lost in his phone. (This is how he winds down ) His anger (not physical) and patience have also long gone. We have talked many of times and he has promised to see someone but never follows through on it. Or I will get reason why it is bad and he knows what to do (exercise and eat better) but then never does. I'm starting to feel a lil stretched, constantly am trying to make sure everything is perfect so he has nothing to worry about when he gets home but there is always something that he finds and that is what he will focus on and won't even realize that he has got to come home and just relax. We both work full time. Im Just not sure what I can do anymore to help. Any advice or perspective would be appreciated.

Violet12 What should I do now?
  • replies: 1

What is my role now? I've done all the things i can think of. I've gone through the process of researching and organising therapists more times than I can count, but he needs to talk to them to make the appointment, and hasn't. I've invited him out o... View more

What is my role now? I've done all the things i can think of. I've gone through the process of researching and organising therapists more times than I can count, but he needs to talk to them to make the appointment, and hasn't. I've invited him out of the house daily, he doesn't want to go. I've tried encouraging him to go to work (he does uber, sometimes) but he won't. I've even told him I need him to do something because it's too hard for me to hear about how he hates himself and hates his life and wishes he could run away or stop living. So what do I do now? Background: My partner is depressed, and has immense shame about being unemployed and being depressed, and has no motivation to go to therapy or exercise or eat well, and it's all an awful deep cycle. He's been smoking weed to cope and isn't sure if it's helping or not, neither am I. On one hand, it's sometimes the only time of the day he'll laugh and seem happy or relaxed. On the other hand, he has shame about that too since he now feels like a "drug addict". It's like everything makes him feel shame and self-hatred. He regularly says he feels shame because of society and like a drain because he's on welfare, and that he wishes he could live in a windowless box alone where nobody would know he existed. When I tell him this is stigma he's internalised, and that he didn't choose this, and that there are millions like him, he says he doesn't want to talk about it any more and shuts me out. When I ask him to go to therapy he says he can't be bothered trying. He says he can't be bothered doing anything ever again. He says he doesnt care enough about anything and that he just wants to hide so he can stop letting people down. He says he's embarassed and he's a burden. When I point out the depression is that voice and those thoughts aren't facts, he shuts me out. So... some days I trick myself into believing he's fine. If he's getting high and overeating and avoiding responsibilities, but he laughs once or doesn't mention feeling like shit, then I can at least not be absorbed in concern and heart ache that day. If he mentions hating himself, it's like a kick to my chest and I feel miserably helpless. Nothing I am saying or doing is making a difference, so I just hear that and have to walk around with it. What do I do now? I can't do anything? If I just focus on me, keeping my health in order, and enjoying moments in my day, does this make me selfish because he is in the corner feeling almost suicidal?

SoulSearch Suspected depression and the end of marriage
  • replies: 2

Hi There For the first time in 2 decades I believe my partner is suffering from depression. The things being said and the behaviours all are signs. I’ve also been told that our marriage is over, there is no joy or desire or will to fight for it. Ther... View more

Hi There For the first time in 2 decades I believe my partner is suffering from depression. The things being said and the behaviours all are signs. I’ve also been told that our marriage is over, there is no joy or desire or will to fight for it. There is no official diagnosis yet but I’m very confident it’s depression of some kind. So I’m really confused. I’m hurt because our marriage has been ended without warning and I want to fix it and bring us closer and reconnect. But my partner has said that’s not what they want. How can I provide help and support and love and care and confirm that I won’t let go without fighting for them and us, when I’m being pushed away and told to give space and separation? I feel like if I stay away it’s confirming that I don’t want to help or fix our marriage.

BElaine Teen's first psych ward stay - what now?
  • replies: 1

Hi, I have spent this morning reading posts and replies and already feel reassured and not alone any more. I have admired the courage and resilience of those that post and the compassion and wisdom of those that reply. What a safe environment has bee... View more

Hi, I have spent this morning reading posts and replies and already feel reassured and not alone any more. I have admired the courage and resilience of those that post and the compassion and wisdom of those that reply. What a safe environment has been created here. My first enquiry is about how to support and encourage my 17 year old daughter after her confronting but apparently helpful experience of a 3 week residential in a youth program. She is highly intelligent but has managed to scoop the pool as far as diagnoses go - ASD, ADD, ODD, depression, anxiety and probable bipolar. She has spent years masking but found high school socially disasterous and academically unfulfilling or irrelevant. We've always been open and positive about her autism diagnosis but she resents it and resists any sort of help or therapy. When teenage insecurities kicked in things really got difficult, and confusing for her. She isolated herself on line, identifying as a man and a vegetarian on the same day - vegetarian lasted 2 days, being trans lasted 3 weeks. She projects all her issues onto her parents and will cut off anyone who disagrees with her, including her older sister who she used to admire so much. After a domestic violence incident her psychiatrist recommended a clinic stay as a circuit breaker where she had a built in social life, plenty of structure and few expectations placed on her and she also stopped communication with us because we "reminded her of her depression" - so no depression in the clinic either. She cut her hair off with scissors, shaved a slit in her eyebrow and ate a lot. She also met a lot of serious issues through the other patients. When we collected her she was manic - dropping out of school and enrolling in TAFE, her new friends at the clinic love her , she was talking like a machine gun whether we were interested or not, spent all her birthday money on line, watched Ru Paul's Drag Race relentlessly. 48 hours later came the crash - so down she couldn't eat. What do I do? or say? She was only doing 3 subjects in Year 11. Next TAFE intake is February and this is August in lockdown.....she sits on her bed all day dreaming of her fashion course at TAFE while bonding with drag queens on line. She only emerges to eat now. It's great that she's more positive than when she went to the clinic a month ago, so is this it for 6 months? How do we move forward? From what I read here, we have a long journey ahead. Any advice/ideas would be appreciated.

Scarey Struggling as a mum of teen. Want to give up. Trigger warning 'self harm and suicidal ideation'
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I'm not very good at communicating in writing but here goes. I want to give custody of my 15 yr old to their Dad. I feel as if i've reached my limit and have no more to give. I had twins at 17, both are doing well now and parents of my gran... View more

Hi there, I'm not very good at communicating in writing but here goes. I want to give custody of my 15 yr old to their Dad. I feel as if i've reached my limit and have no more to give. I had twins at 17, both are doing well now and parents of my grandkids but during their teen years both suffered depression and anger issues. Another child at 22, she suffered serious depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts during her teens. She ended up in a mental health facility multiple times. Went off the rails with drugs as well. We had an episode where she was delusional on drugs. Very scary. But she is doing well now and living with her boyfriend, working, studying. Now i have a 14 year old still at home. Multiple seriouse food allergies. Dad and I seperated when they were 3. We have been dealing with anxiety, depression, self harm and suicidal ideation. We got them help though Drs and the government youth mental health service. They have been on medication for almost a year. They have recently said they identify as a boy (born a girl). This has come completly out of the blue for me. I don't judge people for anything but knowing the work that will need to go into this mentally is too much for me. I did explain this to my child and they seemed ok and said they would talk to their Head Space pyscologist about it for support. It has now come to light that they have started self harming again, that they hear voices telling them to hurt themselves or others. This was found out by their Dad. He is currently looking into getting them into a pyschiatrist. My biggest issue at the moment is that I don't think I can cope with this anymore. I'm thinking that maybe they should live with their Dad and just have normal visitation with me. I honestly don't think I can offer the support that they need at this time. This hurts me alot but I don't know what else to do. I am mentally worn out from all my childrens mental health issues. I feel like for the last 15 years I've been dealing with it everyday, one child after another with each one a bit worse then the last. I don't mean it to sound bad but it has happened that way, each child has been worse mentally then the last. The 14 year old's dad and I have an okay relationship, not close but no animosity and able to communicate. But he does live half an hour away which would make getting to school hard. They would also not want to live with their Dad as he is more strict then me.

PamelaR Empowering people with autism
  • replies: 15

Hi everyone One of the other Community Champions thought it would be good if I shared some information I had on the Autism Spectrum. I’ve dug a little deeper than my original piece of information as I think it’s an important topic these days. I'd lov... View more

Hi everyone One of the other Community Champions thought it would be good if I shared some information I had on the Autism Spectrum. I’ve dug a little deeper than my original piece of information as I think it’s an important topic these days. I'd love to see add what you know about empowering people with autism. Please feel free to post your experiences. Throughout my life I’ve worked, socialised and been friends with people on the Autism Spectrum. I know how life can be difficult for them and those who support them. Here is some of what I’ve learnt over my life: Presume intellect: Because a person is non-verbal or struggles in communication does not mean they are not intelligent nor have nothing to say. We must explore and utilise the strengths and passions of the person. Behavior is communication: We may be making a grave mistake when we simply seek to shut down or suppress with powerful psychiatric drugs what we judge to be ‘unwanted’ behaviors. Behaviors, even those one may deem ‘unwanted’ may be for some the only means to convey their needs or distress. Self-Advocacy: If we wish to understand autism, we must be willing to enter their world, not force them to enter our own. We must be willing to validate self-advocates and seek knowledge about the autistic mode of being from those who actually live it each day. Relationship: To help autistic persons forge emotional connections, navigate through the mainstream, and learn new skills, the key is relationship. We must be willing to forge a bond with the person, to truly seek to understand their experience, their world, how they find meaning, to know them as a fellow human being. Once we forge relationship, we can create a common healing ground Respect: It is necessary for respect to exist and this means as well that we do nothing to force, coerce, or manipulate the person. We regard them as a person worthy of dignity. Our role is to advocate and support, not seek to alter the person into something they are not nor need be. While I've learnt all the above, these words were taken from the 2013 article Autistic Empowerment in Psychology Today by Dan L Emunds. Kind regards PamelaR

Natalia_S Dealing with my boyfriend who goes into psychosis and has been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia
  • replies: 3

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for around 10 months now. Early into our relationship I noticed after drinking, he would completely change into a different person - yell at me, swear and verbally abuse me, become aggressive and punch things... View more

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (25M) for around 10 months now. Early into our relationship I noticed after drinking, he would completely change into a different person - yell at me, swear and verbally abuse me, become aggressive and punch things (never me) and would hear things and talk to himself and constantly repeat himself. It later turned out that he was in psychosis set off by certain types of alcohol. The first time dealing with this was very hard and confronting. However, I tried to be patient and understand as he is obviously mentally unwell. This is also a reason he has been in trouble with the law so many times - he will go into psychosis and cannot be stopped easily. He doesn't remember anything the next day and is always feels horrible and is very down for a few days afterwards. As time went on, he went into psychosis quite a bit and in front of my friends, who were very worried and didn't want me around him anymore. He decided to quit drinking for about 4 months and his psychosis stopped and he went to see a mental health professional. He slowly started introducing small amounts of alcohol back in but only beer, not hard liquor. Until he got too confident and drank more and more. Last week, he went into psychosis again, in public, and verbally abused me in front of everyone again. It was embarrassing and so disappointing it happened again. This is the sixth time its happened in 10 months... I love him so much and he is willing to address his past traumas that have caused this and stop drinking completely again. However, it is really starting to affect my mental health - the verbal abuse I take when he is in this state is really distressing and he doesn't even remember. He thinks I should break up with him because he doesn't think I deserve this, which I don't, but I understand mental illnesses and I know he cannot help it sometimes. But, when do I draw the line? Do I risk putting up with this for my whole life? I'm not as happy as I once was... I fear if no real change is made, I am just wasting my time trying to make him better. What's to say he won't drink at our wedding, for example, and he goes into psychosis in front of all my family? I'm not sure what to do.

Picket Sudden change
  • replies: 18

My wife and I are pensioners. Our son, who is nearly 40, lives with us. Up until a few months ago, he lived a relatively normal life. Then he became mentally ill. He spends nearly all his waking hours talking to us about something that happened when ... View more

My wife and I are pensioners. Our son, who is nearly 40, lives with us. Up until a few months ago, he lived a relatively normal life. Then he became mentally ill. He spends nearly all his waking hours talking to us about something that happened when he was five years old. He just keeps on repeating the same story. All his friends and relatives have blocked him on social media because of his ranting. This only makes things worse because he desperately wants people to listen to him. We have told him that he needs to see a physiatrist but he doesn't think that he has a problem. We listen to him without arguing because that would cause him to become loud and verbally abusive. It's difficult for us to live a normal life. We go out as much as possible for a break. We love him and feel powerless to help him.