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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Herbie1 Husband anxious and depressed - wants our kids out of home
  • replies: 5

Hi, my husband has a history of undiagnosed anxiety and depression. He's had a flare up due to work place stress (physical injury and possibly some bullying). We have 4 children. Our 18 year old son is doing his HSC and is also stressed and now diagn... View more

Hi, my husband has a history of undiagnosed anxiety and depression. He's had a flare up due to work place stress (physical injury and possibly some bullying). We have 4 children. Our 18 year old son is doing his HSC and is also stressed and now diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. He has lashed out a few times, aggressive and physical. I've spoken to him and he is making a big effort. He hasn't had any out bursts since I've spoken with him and he agrees he needs to improve. He is getting counseling. My husband however refuses to acknowledge our son is making an effort and will pick on everything he does. My husband complains our son doesn't speak to him yet when our son does he puts him down or insults him. My husband is even refusing to eat at the table with us when my son is there. He grunts at him or outright ignores him. Ive told my husband this isn't on. I don't want my son subjected to this abuse. I don't want my husband at home if he can't show respect for all of us. I'm so upaet by this. We don't have alot of money and now my husband is saying he won't go back to work. I think he thinks he can life off my salary too even if he moves out. I'm at a loss to what to do.

RamblingGirl Dealing with a friend's abandonment issues...
  • replies: 3

My friend has severe abandonment issues that lately I have been struggling to deal with. We're very close, he's my closest friend really, we talk almost every day normally. Since COVID and lockdowns hit he's been struggling a lot more, and recently h... View more

My friend has severe abandonment issues that lately I have been struggling to deal with. We're very close, he's my closest friend really, we talk almost every day normally. Since COVID and lockdowns hit he's been struggling a lot more, and recently he has had a lot of friends stop talking to him, apparently because they found his mental health too much of a burden (his words, I have never met them so not sure what the situation is exactly). He suffers from depression and repeated suicidal thoughts, and I have tried to support him as best as I can whenever those moments come up, trying to remain calm and caring even though I'm usually panicking inside. Overall in the last few months he seemed like he was doing a little better but in the last week things have gotten worse again. He's shut down and I misguidedly thought it was my job to try to distract him so I have been trying to keep him talking to me and rambling on about things, which I acknowledge was the wrong thing to do, I should have been listening to him and giving him space/support as he needed and following his lead. He called me out on that and keeps bringing up his friends, saying I don't really care about him and its only a matter of time before I abandon him too. I tried apologising and acknowledged my mistakes but he twisted my words, claiming it just shows that I (and everyone else) don't care about him. It's not the first time he has said that to me, pretty much whenever his depression is hitting him hard he will say things like this, and it's really hurtful. I feel like I should have thicker skin because I know it's his depression making him say that and I know his abandonment issues are valid and not his fault, but still, I feel really hurt and upset. And that makes me feel terrible because I also suffer from anxiety/depression so I know how hard it is. I want to tell him that I understand how hard things are for him but at the same time I don't think it's ok that he treats me that way, but I don't know how to say it without making things worse. I'm so afraid if I upset him more it will lead to those suicidal thoughts again and that he'll hurt himself. I guess I am looking for some advice on what to do next because I have no idea. Sorry for rambling so much, and thanks for reading until the end of this post.

Mamac8 How do I support my depressed teen?
  • replies: 4

Hi there, This is my irst time here, so sorry if I get this wrong. I have a 14 y.o daughter who used to be bubbly and bright. Now she is withdrawn, moody, never sleeps, won't eat, has withdrawn from all her long loved activities and has been cutting.... View more

Hi there, This is my irst time here, so sorry if I get this wrong. I have a 14 y.o daughter who used to be bubbly and bright. Now she is withdrawn, moody, never sleeps, won't eat, has withdrawn from all her long loved activities and has been cutting. We have seen GP, we have a MHCP, she has had her intake interview and now we wait for her to be seen further. Perhaps 6 months I am told. After her intake interview by phone the counsellor spoke with me briefly around the next steps and advised me that my child had suicidal thoughts but no plans. How do I support her without making it all about me and how sad I am about all this? I am trying to be supportive and be there for her, but I struggle to not cry and feel like I am the cause of all her angst. It feels so hopeless and overwhelming. How do I support her without getting over emotional? Thanks

Tangled03 Help with a partner with depression and PTSD
  • replies: 5

My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years. Start of 2020 he was assaulted and his life threatened at work, he is on workers compensation and had 6 months completely off work of which he spent sleeping and generally not doing a whole lot ... View more

My partner and I have been together for almost 8 years. Start of 2020 he was assaulted and his life threatened at work, he is on workers compensation and had 6 months completely off work of which he spent sleeping and generally not doing a whole lot (understandable, he was very rattled by what happened) he was put on antidepressants by his GP and saw a psychologist every fortnight during this time, he would have almost nightly nightmares of him bring attacked and thrashing around screaming (really scared me as I didn't know how far he would go in his sleep). He tried to go back to work slowly but ended up having to be relocated and can no longer go to that shopping centre as it is too triggering for him. During his time off our relationship was strained (still is) intimacy was none existent and when I tried to talk to him he would shut down even tell me I was stressing him out even when I was talking of every day events. He begun doing a lot better once he moved stores and slowly worked his way back to full time even scored a promotion to store manager. During this time he decided he wouldn't go back to see his psychologist as every time he went he was re triggered and didn't like it he also decided to completely come off his medication straight away not slowly despite me telling him I didn't think it was a good idea. Anyway his sister suffers from drug addiction and mental health and hers went down hill, she attacked him which sent him downward a bit but he made his way through semi okay. But his recovery has plateaued and we still suffer within our relationship, I feel left out and like he won't help himself or talk to me about anything. He now hates his job and comes home angry most nights, I've tried to help him find new work but he won't apply for anything. I suggested going back to the psychologist which he won't or see his gp. He has suicidal thoughts and vocalises them a fair amount and I worry one day I'll come home and something will have happened. I too suffer from anxiety and after a year and a half its taking its toll on me too. I don't know what to do or how to support him as he won't change anything or talk about it to me.

Desperately_Depressed I don't know what to do and feel so much pressure
  • replies: 8

My husband has been suffering from major depression and anxiety for a number of years now. He has had two suicide attempts (the most recent only a month ago), two rather unsuccessful private clinic admissions, multiple different medication trials, no... View more

My husband has been suffering from major depression and anxiety for a number of years now. He has had two suicide attempts (the most recent only a month ago), two rather unsuccessful private clinic admissions, multiple different medication trials, none of which seem to be making any difference, and on his fourth psychiatrist. It just seems like none of them know what more to do. My husband is desperately miserable. On the days he sees his psychologist (twice a week), he is more depressed than ever - he really struggles talking/opening up. We have regular occurrences of him just breaking down in tears, saying he doesn't want to be alive, and he just wants it all to be over. He feels guilty about the effect it's having on me and wants me to be able to get on with my life (yeah, like that would be any life without him - I don't know what I'd do without him). I reassure him not to worry about me, that I love him dearly and wish that I could do something to help, but honestly, I don't really know what to say/do when he has these breakdowns. I tried suggesting we call Beyond Blue or Lifeline last night but he doesn't want to engage with anyone and doesn't want to go to Emergency/Hospital. He just wants his life over. I just feel so much pressure to keep him alive, take care of him when he doesn't seem to be getting the support/results he needs from his psychiatrist and psychologist. There doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel and I feel guilty for keeping him alive. I also have a history of major depression and am still taking medication and undergoing psychotherapy, so while I know not everyone's depression is the same, I think I have a good understanding of it. Please help - tell me what to do in these situations when he breaks down and cries and begs for his life to be over but doesn't want to go to hospital and cannot then get hold of his psychiatrist for help.

CactusFlower Need advice from POC on how to tell parents about partners bipolar
  • replies: 2

My partner has bipolar disorder. But separate to that he is emotionally abusive, some things I could put on the bipolar, and some things he conveniently blames on bipolar. I remain supportive and helpful and only try to talk about his treatment of me... View more

My partner has bipolar disorder. But separate to that he is emotionally abusive, some things I could put on the bipolar, and some things he conveniently blames on bipolar. I remain supportive and helpful and only try to talk about his treatment of me when it gets really bad, otherwise I just take it and it is slowly wearing me down. But it is what it is and I am doing my best to stay sane and see my reality. (he is on meds, sees a psychologist, but this is a whole other issue!) I divide my time between him and my mum. I don't want to leave him just yet because I am studying and I also look after my mum who surprisingly (?) treats me the same as my partner, although definitely not as bad. Point is, I don't have money right now and I can't just stay with my mum because I will go from looking after one person to looking after the other 24/7. Having my partners and my house actually gives me a break from my mum, my partner goes to work 3 days a week and I have my own room. My mum had a stroke 3 years ago, and mostly requires admin work which takes up so much time. But she is emotionally and mentally draining, puts me down and is a brat? She has always been an irresponsible parent, but now she has a lot more time on her hands to be irresponsible. But but but, i actually came here to talk about: My family are immigrants, from Africa, but the culture is more of a cross between African and South Asian. That is the best way I can describe it. So a lot of gender expectations, a lot of my older brother can do whatever and I am expected to do all the family stuff. My brothers time is respected, mine is expected. Also, my greatest achievement for my family is having a white partner, getting married and having babies. They believe this is going to happen with my current partner and they absolutely love him, they often thank him for "looking after me" which is such an infuriating joke. I have a dad, my parents are divorced. They buy him presents and they are a lot more involved in my life since we got together. Does anyone have advice on how to tell your brown parents that your partner is mentally ill and how to softly shatter their dreams of marriage/babies? This baby thing is a really hard thing for me to deal with too, because I am 34, probably won't be able to leave until next year, so my chances of having children are slowly dying away. But! I need to deal with my parents first.

Feelinglowlow Supporting Depressed, Anxious and Angry Wife
  • replies: 12

HI All I started my journey trying to support my depressed wife 6 years ago. She was my fiance back then. I have never resorted to writing and sharing online but my level of frustration is at a point where I see no hope and hence wanted some advice a... View more

HI All I started my journey trying to support my depressed wife 6 years ago. She was my fiance back then. I have never resorted to writing and sharing online but my level of frustration is at a point where I see no hope and hence wanted some advice and let me heart out at the same time. I am broken to to her verbal abuse, hearing her blame me for everything since the last 6 years. She would often loose control over herself and crack it at me for no reason at all and then blame me for all of it if i dare to get upset about it. I have never heard so much abuse cummulatively in my whole life than i have in these last few years. Hats off to everyone who has been doing this for years, it is a mighty task. I have tried settling boundries but without any success. If i try to explain that shes being unfair she will argue and argue for hours till im tired and wish to give in. If i do agree to her threats of divorce she would blame me again for never loving her and being so selfish. I feel like every door i walk towards is locked. She would generally blame me for not loving her, making her feel unloved, unheard, controlling her, making her feel unwrothy of anything. This normally comes out all togather with a whole load of abuse. If i try and say a word i get labelled as defensive. I understand I have to validate her but she makes it an impossible task for me to do so. Even if i am apoligizing she will continue to critisize me and in different forms till i get frustrated and respond back. She would even catastrophize small situations and start yelling. Im tired, so tired

Hopeful99 Supporting a parent of a suicide attempt
  • replies: 2

I have personal experience of suicide through family, however recently I have a very close friend who is dealing with the suicide attempt of her child. I don't know what to say or do. After so long of many lock downs and being a front line worker, sh... View more

I have personal experience of suicide through family, however recently I have a very close friend who is dealing with the suicide attempt of her child. I don't know what to say or do. After so long of many lock downs and being a front line worker, she was already 'spent', let alone going through this. I don't know what to say.

deek21 our intimacy
  • replies: 9

So I've been with my husband since I was 17, hes had depression anxiety since we've started together now 9 years on im 25 hes 31 we have a toddler whos 2.5. But im not happy anymore. I don't know what I feel about him. Ive always been the one support... View more

So I've been with my husband since I was 17, hes had depression anxiety since we've started together now 9 years on im 25 hes 31 we have a toddler whos 2.5. But im not happy anymore. I don't know what I feel about him. Ive always been the one supporting him through leaving jobs moving back into his parents putting life on hold due to his illness. But these past 18months and more so 6months ive been so unhappy. I don't feel in love with him. There always feels like im married to two different people but now it feels like one and this isn't the person i thought I loved! I feel so lonely, craving the attention and feel of a man. Hoping its him of course but hes always got excuses to not be intimate with me. Theres no playfulness which isnt something new hes always been this way. But now it all bothers me. Im thinking why am i still married to him? Theres nothing between us, he doesn't show me he misses me with affection or kind gestures. Ive been trying to hold onto hope that he'll change because we have a daughter but my feelings aren't going away. Ive explained so many times that I need to be touched and have intimate moments with him but nothing gets through. Hes always got excuses when i try to initiate it . Am i overreacting, i need advice on what to do....

sinkingships Advice on Helping Someone During a Catatonic Episode?
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, My friend is currently recovering from a catatonic episode that happened sometime last week, and I was wondering if anybody had any advice or experience in helping someone during these situations? This isn't her first episode, but it is ... View more

Hi everyone, My friend is currently recovering from a catatonic episode that happened sometime last week, and I was wondering if anybody had any advice or experience in helping someone during these situations? This isn't her first episode, but it is the first to happen around other people and everyone was at a loss for what to do. She's currently seeking psychiatric help, but I was just wondering if there was anything that loved ones could do to support her as an episode is happening, and as she is coming out of it. If anyone has any information or ideas to share, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance