Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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RLH21 Help, My wife has bipolar and I can’t help getting frustrated and resentful
  • replies: 1

Hi, (First time poster) My wife has just been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. So she has very long chronic episodes of depression, anxiety, and also has OCD. It is a new diagnosis but not a new one hung in our lives. She has had major depressive disor... View more

Hi, (First time poster) My wife has just been diagnosed with Bipolar type 2. So she has very long chronic episodes of depression, anxiety, and also has OCD. It is a new diagnosis but not a new one hung in our lives. She has had major depressive disorder/bipolar for 20years. She regularly sees a psychologist and psychiatrist and goes to gym takes her meds etc. I absolutely love my wife and want to always say supportive things and be loving but I am just exhausted. We have an 18month old baby (I was his birth mum) and am primary care giver. My wife works full time and pretty much outside of work she is completely exhausted and depressed she just wants to be in bed and doesn’t have the energy or the capacity to deal with anything else. I work 3 days a week and have our 18month old the other days. I am exhausted. Deeply want some help and get frustrated with her always being on her phone and in a slump on the couch. Like she manages so well despite her depression, she goes to work etc it’s impossible to remember she’s got bipolar ans feeling shit when all I want is a break and some time out to recoup too! how do you all do it? I feel like I’m failing my 18m old and wife

Leebump my 35 year old son has schizotypal disorder but has no insight and is untreated
  • replies: 6

Hi, How can we get our 35 year old son, who has been unwell for 16+ years to accept he has a mental illness that is negatively affecting his life. He has had two stays in hospital in the past 3 years and was put on an involuntary treatment order to w... View more

Hi, How can we get our 35 year old son, who has been unwell for 16+ years to accept he has a mental illness that is negatively affecting his life. He has had two stays in hospital in the past 3 years and was put on an involuntary treatment order to which he didn't comply. He has distanced himself from us and has been homeless for the past 2 months and has no insight to his illness. It is heartbreaking as he is such a remarkable human whom we love and adore and WILL not give up on. We have currently listed him on the Missing persons register and are hoping he presents sometime soon as last contact by phone he was clearly unwell. This has been a long haul for our family and we have exhausted every avenue to get him the help he deserves however we are constantly told that he needs to want the help that is offered - DER!!!!! he doesn't believe he has an illness so why would he want help. It is so frustrating! I just would like to know if anyone is in the same boat or have been and found a solution. So tired and want my son to live his best life.

Misterb How do I help and support my partner with suicidal depression?
  • replies: 4

My partner of 12 months is very open about her suicidal depression and regularly posts about it on her instagram page (50,000 followers) but cannot talk to me about it, this frustrates me. She keeps telling me "she's too much". I know I need tools an... View more

My partner of 12 months is very open about her suicidal depression and regularly posts about it on her instagram page (50,000 followers) but cannot talk to me about it, this frustrates me. She keeps telling me "she's too much". I know I need tools and strategies for supporting her. She tells me I'm NOT supporting her and making things worse...I don't know what to do. Do I just completely leave her alone until she comes around? I know I'm pushing her buttons. I need help and hopefully I'll get some positive strategies on how to support her and myself through these depressive episodes. My biggest fear is it will all be too much and she will leave. Please any help appreciated

Violet12 How do you validate the stress/tears/burnout of being a support person, when you have to pretend it's not a burden to the person you support?
  • replies: 4

How do you handle it when they get upset because they've recognised their actions, behaviours, struggles, etc, affect you as well? I find myself making up reasons I'm stressed so they don't know it's because of them and the whole situation they're/we... View more

How do you handle it when they get upset because they've recognised their actions, behaviours, struggles, etc, affect you as well? I find myself making up reasons I'm stressed so they don't know it's because of them and the whole situation they're/we're in. I also hear myself nearly daily reassuring them that they aren't a burden and not to worry about me, I'm fine, just focus on themselves etc. I think the effect of doing that all the time has built up and the result is emotional/psychological burnout. But the alternative would be cruel I think. I can't say "Hey, I'm really sad and stressed out today because of you". They already constantly say that they are a burden and that they want to isolate themselves so they don't bring anyone down. I can't say anything to make them want that more or seriously consider it. I've tried asking them not to say those things to me because it stresses me out - i.e., "I don't want you to tell me you're a burden, I don't want you to apologise all the time, because it just makes me feel stressed" but a) it doesn't stop them doing it and b) sometimes it makes them feel like I'm asking them to keep things bottled up. So how should I respond? How do you validate your own feelings and struggles in this without putting that on the person who is in no place to hear it and who it would only hurt? Do you all have counsellors? I'm thinking about getting myself one. Do you talk to other family members/friends about it? Do you journal? Or do you talk about it with the person involved somehow? Please let me know, because I need new strategies.

emma_e me & my girl
  • replies: 2

hi. so i'm looking for advice/reassurance on trust and space and boundaries in order to respect both myself and my girlfriend. we've been together for a year and I LOVE HER SO MUCH and we had the stereotypical lesbian 6 month glorious hormonal uhaul ... View more

hi. so i'm looking for advice/reassurance on trust and space and boundaries in order to respect both myself and my girlfriend. we've been together for a year and I LOVE HER SO MUCH and we had the stereotypical lesbian 6 month glorious hormonal uhaul and then things have been different, and part of the difference i think is in us learning to trust each other in good ways. in my previous relationship my husband was emotionally abusive and i still worry that i will be unknowingly replicating patterns from that relationship. we both manage our anxiety and depression differently and something that gives me heart is that we are both getting better at saying what we need, though i find it super challenging and she says so does she. last month we had a big heart to heart, she had been pushing me away and she said she always got to this point and freak outs and her skin crawls and she pushes whoever she is with away. but i pleased the case for what if we could learn to do it together and she agreed, because i don't know if that is depression or her. part of what she says she needs is a lot a lot of space, she says she doesn't want to put her yuck mood on me. i see her making an effort to do little things i ask eg. yesterday sit with me a while because in my anxiety i felt like i really needed company, and i so don't want to overwhelm her and i so don't want to overthink it. i also see her make a huge effort to be sunny and social when she is in her day to day, like putting the happy face on (like i used to). space is good for me too and in my less anxious mind i see we are learning to talk to each other with a deeper level of trust even over text even though that means less heart emojis which i miss. complicating factor - she is very close with her ex girlfriend, and spends a lot of time putting her and her needs first. i broached this with her a few months ago, out of concern for her own wellbeing and also our relationship because when i have energy i want to spend it on us and i think i am right to be concerned about it because she said there can be no boundaries between them. but then since then i have seen and heard her put more boundaries in place and i hope this is helpful for her. i have worked/occasionally have to keep working through my own insecurities over their closeness but it still bothers me because i guess at the back of my mind it is the thought that wow she wants space from me but not from her. thanks for the space to share this.

Kaz929 Supporting partner with depression and harm OCD
  • replies: 5

Hi, I really need some help supporting my partner of 7 years who has been diagnosed with depression and harm OCD. Sorry, this post is probably going to be long. He had been taking meds for depression when we started dating and we've managed to help e... View more

Hi, I really need some help supporting my partner of 7 years who has been diagnosed with depression and harm OCD. Sorry, this post is probably going to be long. He had been taking meds for depression when we started dating and we've managed to help each other with our mental health, until COVID hit. He has been seeing his GP every couple of months about it all (now every few weeks) and has been going to all of his appointments. However, he doesn't seem to be getting better, though he keeps telling me he is ok. There has been a few times where I have had to sit him down and push him tell me what's going on in his head as his body language is saying he's not. He seems to feel a bit better after talking, but getting him to keep communicating with me is doing my head in (so to speak). I try not to push all the time as it annoys me when people do that to me, but I have to sometimes so I know what's going on. He won't even tell me when he's seeing his GP, that's his meds have changed etc, unless I push him for it. He tried to commit suicide last year and I'm worried he is heading in that direction again. He has been recently diagnosed with harm OCD, is pretty much withdrawn from everyone and sleeps 14-15 hours a day. I can hardly get a conversation out of him. He just replies with yes/no answers most of the time. He has told me that nothing interests him anymore. He would rather be dead than alive. He also thinks the world would be better off without him. I'm doing my best to reassure him that this isn't the case but it feels like I'm talking to a brick wall. Last week, I started getting him to come to the gym with mum and I twice a week. He seems to enjoy that so I will keep that up. I don't know what else I can do for him. I feel helpless. I'm trying to not let it affect me, but it is. I can't save him and I really wish I could. Any tips to help him (and my own mental health) would be great, especially with the harm OCD (totally new area for me). Thanks

Meggsy123 Anyone else have a partner with alcoholism? I am struggling!
  • replies: 5

Over the past three years, since the death of his parents, my husband has gradually developed full blown alcoholism (Alcohol Use Disorder) - no control over it anymore. His personality completely, 100%, changes for the worst. He is an unrecognizable ... View more

Over the past three years, since the death of his parents, my husband has gradually developed full blown alcoholism (Alcohol Use Disorder) - no control over it anymore. His personality completely, 100%, changes for the worst. He is an unrecognizable liar and emotionally and psychologically abusive when drunk. I am now so lost - who is the real version of my husband? It also makes me ANGRY which is highly destructive and now affecting my physical health as well as mental. Does anyone have any experience and/or advice?? THANK YOU

Puppies Giving space to someone with depression
  • replies: 20

Hi there, I've been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 3 years now and he has had depression since before we met. The thing I have always struggled with is giving space, either when he asks for it or when I know he needs it. I have d... View more

Hi there, I've been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 3 years now and he has had depression since before we met. The thing I have always struggled with is giving space, either when he asks for it or when I know he needs it. I have done a lot of research over the last week because we are yet again in another bout of depression. This is the worst it's been, and this time he straight out said he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore or if he even loves me. This came as a surprise to me as I know that he loves me and wants to be with me, but his depression makes him think otherwise. I haven't spoken to him in over 2 days, as he asked for space, and we have hardly spoken since Sunday (it's Saturday night now). I am at a loss as to what I should do because I don't like not communicating with him, as I feel communication is one of the most important aspects of a relationship. I am not looking for people to tell me that he needs to go see someone, all I am asking is to hear from those who have depression/anxiety and those who are carers, about how much space is enough. I have sent a couple of messages over the last few days to let him know I'm here for him, but he hasn't replied. Will he send me a message when he is ready? What if he doesn't? I don't deal with these bouts of depression, I just want him to get better and be happy and I just need some assistance because I have never been so lost. puppies

Kiwigal Alcoholic husband - how do I get through to him?
  • replies: 7

Hello, Hubby and I have been together for 18 years and married for 11 with two kids (9 & 7). He has always been a heavy drinker and I’ve always had a problem with it, and he was diagnosed with depression soon after our first child was born (this also... View more

Hello, Hubby and I have been together for 18 years and married for 11 with two kids (9 & 7). He has always been a heavy drinker and I’ve always had a problem with it, and he was diagnosed with depression soon after our first child was born (this also coincided with us moving from NZ to Aus) He drinks every night (I can count on 1 hand the number of nights he hasn’t drunk since Feb this year after we did a 6 week challenge which he managed to abstain for, it was lovely!), usually at least 6 during the week then a dozen every night over the weekend. He is high functioning, has a busy, stressful job and goes to the gym most mornings. He finishes work at 4pm, heads to the couch and drinks and watches tv. He’s not interacting with me or the kids and is often cranky, moody and short tempered. Recently he told me he’s not happy with our communication and intimacy, I’ve tried telling him for years that I don’t want to do those things with him when he’s always drunk but now I feel like I’m being gaslighted and that it’s my fault there’s problems in the relationship. I’ve had counselling over the years myself for anxiety, and we’ve done couples counselling in the past too. I hate that the kids think this is normal behaviour but I just don’t know what to do about it anymore. I never drink as someone has to look after the kids, if an activity is after 4pm he’s unlikely to want to attend and I feel like the kids are missing out. Not to mention the expense. He doesn’t have a good support network here, it’s mainly my family and a few mates at the gym, so this all falls on my shoulders. I guess I’m looking for ideas on how to help him and stay sane myself. Thank you

krainb01 Wanting advice for parenting adult child with mental illness
  • replies: 13

Hi. My 18 year old daughter has severe anxiety and depression. She was first diagnosed with anxiety at age 7 and depression at age 12. She is currently on medication and we have seen many GPs / psychologists / psychiatrists through the years. She is ... View more

Hi. My 18 year old daughter has severe anxiety and depression. She was first diagnosed with anxiety at age 7 and depression at age 12. She is currently on medication and we have seen many GPs / psychologists / psychiatrists through the years. She is not currently seeing a psychologist because she did not like the last one and now refuses to see one (she has always been reluctant). She is currently studying at TAFE so there is no legal school obligation involved. For years we struggled with getting her to do anything, but she was a child and we were 100% responsible for her. Now she is an adult and we don't want her to be dependent on us forever. She is very bright and capable of being a functioning member of society, but she doesn't seem to have any desire to. She has missed quite a bit of TAFE and does not complete enough TAFE work at home during lockdown. If we don't "nag" her, she won't shower or eat properly. She spends most of her time in her room and doesn't have her licence. Now that she's an adult I feel like we should just leave her and let her make her own decisions (and cop the consequences), but I think she would be more than happy to live in our back room forever! She hates talking to people about herself and when she is "forced" to she simply tells them what they want to hear. For eg, she tells her TAFE teacher she will catch up on all the work, she tells her GP she will look after herself and agrees to talk to a psychologist. Once we're home she refuses to do whatever it is she "promised". I'm just looking for some advice from parents of adult children with mental illness who are older than my daughter. Do you leave them alone? Do you still heavily parent them by "making" them do things? Do you still take the lead when corresponding with doctors, teachers, bosses etc? Do you still remind them of everything they should be doing? Has your child managed to be a fully functioning adult and live outside of your house? I'm just really worried what the future holds and don't know what to do now that she legally is an adult. Thanks.