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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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lmnop Lost
  • replies: 2

I’ve got a lot of little things eating me away. I’ve recent lost a friendship with a friend with no real understanding why. I’ve failed at a job interview that I was super experienced and qualified for and I’ve been told that my current role will cea... View more

I’ve got a lot of little things eating me away. I’ve recent lost a friendship with a friend with no real understanding why. I’ve failed at a job interview that I was super experienced and qualified for and I’ve been told that my current role will cease at the end of the year and I’ll have to apply for it if I want to keep doing similar work. I’ll still have a job but it will be doing something else, I don’t know what and at 63, and a specialist in my field, I’m left bewildered and embarrassed. Everyone I work with seemed to think I was really good at my job. I thought I was really good at my job. I thought I was above average at my job. I was clearly wrong. I’m devastated to be honest. My boyfriend smokes weed. We’ve been together 20 years and we have a 19yo old son at uni and living interstate. My BF smokes weed and tries to solve my problem's with really stupid advice that does my head in. . He sometimes restrains me if I try to get away from him. He tells me to stop crying or stop being sad and this makes me worse but I sometimes can’t get away from him. I feel like I hate him. I wish he would go away forever. He’s not engaged in this relationship he’s not interested in being with me. No sex. My friend was my rock but she’s a stoner too. She is 10 years younger and we used to do heaps of cool stuff together like bike riding and lunches and walks. I didn’t spend much time with her in evenings as she was too drunk and stoned. So we were solid daytime friends. Until her son started hanging around hitting on my grown up friends and getting wasted at my place and generally being a pain in the ass. My boyfriend told me he harassed another friend of ours and she was uncomfortable. I spoke to the boys dad, my friends hubby about this behaviour and he agreed it had become a problem. The kid didn’t work and was pulling cones with his mum at 10am. Hubby tried to sort it out and the kid moved out initially in anger, to live with friends in Sydney (and got a job) but my friend got really angry with me and blamed me for him leaving. I later found that my BF denied that anything happened. My friend thinks I made it up because I’m trying to control her life. Now she’s bringing other people into it. I’ve been really understanding of her as a mother myself. But I am super sad that she’s dragging other friends of mine into this. So my bf throws me under a bus, gets in my face when he’s stoned, and my career is ended and I lost my friends. I’m lonely & sad

elf16 Sister has isolated herself
  • replies: 7

My sister is in her mid 30s, lives alone and has completely isolated herself from all family and friends for 3 months. She has stopped going to work. This started just after our paternal Grandma died. She is normally a very active, outgoing and extro... View more

My sister is in her mid 30s, lives alone and has completely isolated herself from all family and friends for 3 months. She has stopped going to work. This started just after our paternal Grandma died. She is normally a very active, outgoing and extroverted person. About 5 weeks ago our mum and her bff went around to see her and she agreed to a group chat where we could all post positive things from our days in an attempt to minimise pressure on her to contact us all individually. She had also agreed to begin seeing a psychologist but failed to attend any of the three Telehealth appointments we had set up for her. She is beginning to disengage from the one place we have contact with her and she doesn’t seem to be making any progress or getting any help. We’re at a loss of how to help her.

Smonstee Son with MDD and finding it difficult to help him
  • replies: 1

I am the mother of a 19yo son with major depressive illnessHe is under the care of a psychologist and psychiatrist (on medication) but nothing seems to be working. He is due to start TMS soon but has no hope that it will work. He has quit Uni and tod... View more

I am the mother of a 19yo son with major depressive illnessHe is under the care of a psychologist and psychiatrist (on medication) but nothing seems to be working. He is due to start TMS soon but has no hope that it will work. He has quit Uni and today he wants to quit his casual job, saying the pain of living is too hard.He says he has no plans to self-harm but talks about wishing he were dead. All the time. It's hard to hear it. There's nothing I can do to help. He is withdrawing further and further into himself. No matter how we tackle it, nothing works. I don't know what do next to help him, I dont want him to quit his job but can see that we have no choice.Does anyone have any advice?

SML17 How do I help
  • replies: 1

Hi, I have a family member who is going through a separation of relationship of 11 years and they have small children. I want to help but have no idea where to start. It looks like the family member will not be able to stay where they are currently l... View more

Hi, I have a family member who is going through a separation of relationship of 11 years and they have small children. I want to help but have no idea where to start. It looks like the family member will not be able to stay where they are currently living as will need to sell the house. I don't believe housing support is available unfortunately due to the income being too high (education sector) What options are out there?Also in terms of speaking to someone for support how do we go about doing this?What can I do to help them? Thank you for reading this and any helpful tips.

alittleatsea Lost and lonely but never alone
  • replies: 5

I’m seeking some guidance or support please. I am in my second marriage and in a blended family situation, which is hard enough. We used to have every second weekend to spend together, but unfortunately my ex husband is currently in jail so my life h... View more

I’m seeking some guidance or support please. I am in my second marriage and in a blended family situation, which is hard enough. We used to have every second weekend to spend together, but unfortunately my ex husband is currently in jail so my life has changed in an instant; child support, no second weekend to myself, supporting my child alone through this terrible and shocking time. I have a demanding but well paying job, and have always prided myself on being resilient and still being able to be joyful and enjoy life. My husband has been suffering from depression for about 2 years now. He’s finally on medication, albeit it also serves as an anti inflammatory after complicated surgery so such a relief to get him on something that was helping him a tiny bit. He forgot to refill his script, and had two weekends in a row of unacceptable behaviour. He has now reacted to those two weekends in the extreme. Extreme dieting and exercise, and no alcohol. I know bonding things we can do together don’t have to involve alcohol or treat meals as such, but we used to really enjoy going out for dinner or creating cocktails at home, shopping for lovely food together. He was initially loving and supportive of my child when my ex was first arrested, but treats my child so differently now to his own children who are with us each second weekend and that makes me sad. I feel so alone but never alone. I now no longer have financial support from my ex, even though I have a great job that’s a shock or time to myself, and another rug of pleasure with my husband has been instantly removed too. He doesn’t want to share a trip to a foodie store, or a lovely bottle of wine and spends a couple of hours most nights at the gym so have lost nighttime connection too. I feel like I can’t talk to my family or friends because it’s my husbands mental health, and feel myself slipping further towards numbness with no pleasure or something to look forward to. I can’t seem to see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Briars Intro
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I’m an alcoholic drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a day. Have done two stints at 7 day rehab last year but nothing sticks beyond 60 days. Desperate…

Hi all, I’m an alcoholic drinking 1.5 bottles of wine a day. Have done two stints at 7 day rehab last year but nothing sticks beyond 60 days. Desperate…

pastrychef Helping a secret alcoholic who doesn't think they have a problem
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, my husband has been a secret alcoholic for a long time. He's very creative/careful about how he purchases, drinks and disposes of the alcohol. Mostly before he gets home. Hiding his problem is huge and it's miracle he hasn't been caught ... View more

Hi everyone, my husband has been a secret alcoholic for a long time. He's very creative/careful about how he purchases, drinks and disposes of the alcohol. Mostly before he gets home. Hiding his problem is huge and it's miracle he hasn't been caught by police. Although he lost his license drink-driving before we were together. I realised we had a problem when I discovered he'd had 7 full strength cans while I was at work and he was at home looking after our baby. Now I have discovered that he recently drank-drove (over the limit) with our kids in the car. I haven't forgiven him. He says he has no problem, he's said sorry (gets angry), says there's nothing more he can do, I have the problem if I'm not "over it" and that he's not going to put up with me bringing it up. There are many, many more incidents and I'm tired of it. He is adamant he will not see a GP, psychologist or counselor of any kind, solo or together as a couple.Q - How can you help someone in the pre-contemplation phase?I've read about people having to want to change, but can I help him get there?

elf16 How to help my sister
  • replies: 4

My sister (36f lgbt) is currently going through a mental health crisis and has been suffering the following symptoms that I’m aware of since the start of December: - panic attacks - insomnia - sensory overload with sound and light - depression - inab... View more

My sister (36f lgbt) is currently going through a mental health crisis and has been suffering the following symptoms that I’m aware of since the start of December: - panic attacks - insomnia - sensory overload with sound and light - depression - inability to leave her home - withdrawing from friends and family - inability to attend work for 8+ weeks - incoherent speech - chronic pain - racing thoughts and inability to communicate coherently via voice or text or in person. She won’t talk on the phone to anyone who she has had (limited) engagement with since this all began. Initially I assisted her in putting in some boundaries with friends and family to give her some breathing space to deal with grief, trauma and stress. But it’s now at a point where she will not engage even with me beyond a simple ‘hello’ sms each day. Our mum, myself and her best friend have come up with a plan that I’d like some advice on. We’ve reached out to the CATT team and local mental health triage team but without giving them my sisters name and address (something we’ll do after we’ve exhausted gentler options) Mum and sisters BFF will attempt to visit with my sister tomorrow. Unfortunately I live 3.5 hours away. They plan to give her a few options: 1. Sister and mum go to GP to get referral for inpatient 2. Sister agrees to call CATT team for assessment with mum and bff 3. We do a family referral to CATT Team without my sisters consent. Given her disengagement with family, friends and living alone were of the opinion that an inpatient stay would be most suitable. I’d love feedback on the above mentioned plan

Worried_Wife1000 Husband struggling with toxic self-shaming / depression
  • replies: 5

I’m seeking insights/tips/advice/reassurance/anything from people that have/are going through something similar from either perspective. I’ve been with my husband over a decade, we also now have a young child and are expecting our second. We’ve lived... View more

I’m seeking insights/tips/advice/reassurance/anything from people that have/are going through something similar from either perspective. I’ve been with my husband over a decade, we also now have a young child and are expecting our second. We’ve lived a great life thus far (from my perspective), had a lot of great travels, grown personally & professionally together etc. My husband has always been hard on himself and would sometimes get down/frustrated but it wouldn’t last long. It’s quite heartbreaking just how much he is ashamed of himself and past decisions made. He overthinks almost everything and sends himself into a spiral of shame and regret. He really despises himself. Whereas I still see the great man, husband and incredible dad he is. This extends to him almost wishing our child would ‘look up to him less’ as he feels he is not worthy of the love/devotion and does not want our child to turn out like him. For the most part it isn’t impacting our daily life, as in we still do usual activities, talk & engage as a family etc. However, it peaks and this might be monthly or in a bad month weekly, or in a bad week a couple times. When this happens he becomes erratic and agitated and seems to want to fight. We ultimately argue because my patience runs thin with the negativity being spoken, I become defensive as in the moment the negativity extends beyond himself and to the life we’ve built, and me. I find it difficult to disengage and be logical as I am so emotionally entrenched in his wellbeing, and our future together. We’re gratefully past the denial stage and instead he admits he is struggling mentally and will talk to me about this with his heart on his sleeve. It’s heartbreaking to see how genuinely down he is in himself. He isn’t interested in ‘talking’ to someone and would prefer to just get on with life, tick off his todo list and be healthy in the hope he will come good. I want to support him the best I can. Is there anything I can do to help him progress through this if professional help is off the cards?

Spouse7 How to support my partner
  • replies: 1

While working in a different country I met a woman who had gone through awful experiences of abuse as a child and young adult, both emotionally and sexually. We fell in love, decided to leave the country together (as her family would not accept our r... View more

While working in a different country I met a woman who had gone through awful experiences of abuse as a child and young adult, both emotionally and sexually. We fell in love, decided to leave the country together (as her family would not accept our relationship) and have been trying to settle in Australia. We have issues due to cultural differences, I have been trying to find support, but it has not been easy (I actually feel let down by some of the existing services as we haven't been able to get counseling for her. We have been to couples counseling, it was suggested we -and specially her with her history- went to singles counseling, but with the Christmas holidays and administrative errors we haven't been able to access therapy for her in a couple of months), we are both looking for work and our financial situation adds stress, and our GP mentioned that my wife is likely to suffer from PTSD. I am no psychologist and have been trying to support her the best I can, but periodically we have episodes when the smallest disagreement ends up in a fight, and they escalate very quickly. I have been working with my counselor and I am making an effort to extract myself from discussions as quickly as possible, but it seems like an impossible task. Whence before I used to try and use logic (big mistake), or present my point of view, now I understand the best I can do is to listen and not get entangled in the fight. But even then seems like an impossible task. I try to set boundaries (I try to not accept yelling, as in the past we both ended up screaming; or to have the option of step away when upset) but I'm yet to be able to not react at all when something bothers me. As, as soon as my face "changes" it seems like she gets triggered and her defenses come up, as she believes she may end up abused as used to happen when she was a child. I am trying my best to support her, but it is so tiring. It feels like I live on a minefield. We are having many good days, but any bad day sticks in her head for weeks, and makes her feel like we are always in an awful situation, and makes her depressed. I know she also needs to go through therapy, but it is tough waiting for the system to help us, as it is not financially viable to go to a private practice in this moment. Is there anyone with experience on how we can get support? What can I do better, while avoiding falling with her in deep spirals of hopelessness? And, where to go for help that can be accessed promptly? Thanks