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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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SupportiveWife Depressed spouse - struggling wife
  • replies: 9

Hi All, I am a wife of a depressed husband. He has been battling this for the last few years but only acknowledged it this year and finally went to the doctor who confirmed after a mental health assessment that he is depressed. I was so relieved when... View more

Hi All, I am a wife of a depressed husband. He has been battling this for the last few years but only acknowledged it this year and finally went to the doctor who confirmed after a mental health assessment that he is depressed. I was so relieved when he agreed for me to make him an appointment finally after years of begging him to go. He's a very private person and quiet stubborn and set in his ways. He leads a very healthy lifestyle in every way from gym, healthy eating, no drugs/alcohol/caffeine. He did start counselling a few months ago. He doesn't talk to me about them at all (which is fine if he can't) but did say last week he thinks it may be helping. The last few years I have been there and just try and understand and support what he's going through but lately I'm struggling to the point I feel like I am also slipping into a depressed state. I guess I have taken on most roles in our household and child rearing, I also work as does he full time. I feel like I have been married to a robot. He shows no emotion, he does not talk to me about anything on a deeper level such as his depression. I desperately have tried to connect with him more but he's just so distant and disconnected. Friends and family members have noticed this too which always makes me anxious about any social gatherings to the point we very rarely go out with friends any more just to immediate family gatherings (which he doesn't always like to attend). Before the counselling he would go to his "man cave" for hours on end to engage in his hobby, this was also hard as some days I would be waiting for him to emerge to spend family time together. I tried to be patient with this also as he told me it's his way of coping (where other people may consume drugs he does his hobby) Lately this has improved somewhat. We have zero intimacy in our marriage and this has also been very hard as I am a very affectionate person. We have only made love once in the last year and a half. I even told him we don't need to make love but he can show intimacy in other ways such as a hug but this also does not happen. I've always been so hopeful that we can overcome it and tackle it together but lately I am losing hope that I'll ever get my man back and I'm tired. Tired of pretending everything is ok, tired of being deprived of any love and affection, tired of doing everything without any appreciation. I also constantly feel guilty for feeling this way as I should be a loving and supportive wife.

Malleyc My girlfriend
  • replies: 2

My my beautiful girlfriend has been suffering for a couple months it's hard seeing her suffer and what makes worst is we have four beautiful kids i cry every night thats why i am on beyondblue just need to talk to someone for help

My my beautiful girlfriend has been suffering for a couple months it's hard seeing her suffer and what makes worst is we have four beautiful kids i cry every night thats why i am on beyondblue just need to talk to someone for help

bellabelle I think my husband is depressed. Is he pushing me away or does he not want me in his life anymore?
  • replies: 14

Hi, Two months ago my husband's behaviour began to change. He became moody, he stopped telling me he loved me, he became short tempered with our kids (8 and 10). He works away for two weeks at a time and comes home for 2 to 4 weeks in between (he has... View more

Hi, Two months ago my husband's behaviour began to change. He became moody, he stopped telling me he loved me, he became short tempered with our kids (8 and 10). He works away for two weeks at a time and comes home for 2 to 4 weeks in between (he has been doing this for 3 years) He claims he really likes his job. It is demanding on me when he is away. I feel he has really become disconnected with our family. When he comes home he tries to assert his authority (we parent quite differently these days). We've started to argue a lot about the kids. To top it all off he had a stressful situation at work recently which took a toll on him and he hasn't been sleeping well. I've suffered a long bout of depression myself. The last 5 years I've been very up and down (issues are related to my mother) and after getting help and semi-recovering I have slipped back downhill in the last 6 months. I'm sure this has also taken a huge toll on him but even though i suggested he talk to someone to help him cope with my issues he seemed fine enough until recently. Since his behaviour changed I have been trying to find out what is wrong but he'd always say he was fine. Finally tonight (after an argument yesterday about our 8 year old) I got him talking - it was hard work to get him talking. He revealed that he has been talking to a work counsellor for the past 5 weeks. From what I gathered its "us" and its "him" He can't see things changing. I asked if he still loved me and he didn't answer. This killed me. I did not see this coming. When I pushed him for an answer he said "I don't know". I suggested we get couples counselling. I've suggested this a couple of times during arguments over the last 2 months but he never responded. Tonight he said he doesn't think it will change anything. When I said "is it his job?". He said no and that he has felt like this for many years which shocked me even more. It seems like he is not even willing to give counselling a try. And I don't understand why. I still love him and I want to try. Why doesn't he? Is it that he doesn't love me anymore? Or could this be the depression talking? I'm not sure if he has given up on us completely and wants out or if he just feels so hopeless and feels nothing right now. I feel like we've always been close and had a decent relationship. I never thought he'd stop loving me. I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm hurt and in pain from this revelation but I also want to help him if he is suffering so bad.

Bulletin_Board_Archive My boyfriend's social anxiety
  • replies: 10

Originally posted by: S on 29 April 2012My boyfriend of 6 years has social phobia and gets anxious when out in public. Last night we were in a social situation with close friends and while everyone was making conversation, he had his arms crossed and... View more

Originally posted by: S on 29 April 2012My boyfriend of 6 years has social phobia and gets anxious when out in public. Last night we were in a social situation with close friends and while everyone was making conversation, he had his arms crossed and didn't speak to anyone the whole night. I caught out our "friends" making fun of his situation (only because they aren't aware of his phobia) He barely even spoke to me last night. This happens all the time and I'm beginning to notice my friends aren't spending as much time with me as they used to - is it because he weirds them out? I confronted him about his issue tonight! And of course he denies it, why should he be made to feel "like everyone else", "be fake" or try and "conform"? I told him that this is LIFE! To be friends with ppl and be friendly you need to TALK and INTERACT! I'm afraid that if he doesn't seek help, my resentment will grow. I want to help him but he is so vague he doesn't notice what he is missing out on. Is there anyone else who is experiencing this too?

Concerned_spouse How to support my boyfried
  • replies: 5

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. Early on, we had an open and frank conversation about his depression. He has had depression for many years and has medication and plans in place to treat it. This is something I am committed to sup... View more

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. Early on, we had an open and frank conversation about his depression. He has had depression for many years and has medication and plans in place to treat it. This is something I am committed to support him through. He is the sweetest most loving man I've ever met, and he's worth the challenges. Typically the weather, particularly the change of seasons to winter make managing his depression tougher. He knows he needs to eat well and exercise, but when the depression takes over this just doesn't seem possible. All he can do is sleep all weekend, I can't even encourage him to get up to eat at the moment. He is literally awake for only a couple of hours at best across the weekend, isnt able to get up to eat, and refuses all offers I make of bringing food to him. He pushes on and manages to get to work all week, but come the weekend, he is just a shell of himself. I support him by encouraging, but not pushing social outings on him, as I know he needs his rest to handle the next week. But when he's getting no nutrition on the weekend, I'm scared that he might be heading for a major crash. Any advice from people familiar with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

justin_n My partner of 9yrs and 4 yrs of depression has now turned to making things up
  • replies: 17

Hi there i need some serious help my partner of 9 yrs has had diagnosed depression for going on 4 yrs now and for the last 8 mths has got this idea that i am being unfaithful to her she goes through not so bad patches and then very very bad patches.S... View more

Hi there i need some serious help my partner of 9 yrs has had diagnosed depression for going on 4 yrs now and for the last 8 mths has got this idea that i am being unfaithful to her she goes through not so bad patches and then very very bad patches.She has seen a psych and that only seemed to make things worse it has gotten to the point now where she is making up different people in her mind believing i am conspiring against her and i am almost at breaking piont with my coping mechanisms and i really dont know what to do any more

sonnenschein rebuilding our relationship after a major depressive episode and a seperation
  • replies: 6

Hi M & I were together for 8 yrs before his first crippling depressive episode. Together since we were 16, during that time he had been diagnosed with bipolar. He had many episodes of depression, but nothing as bad as what was to come. Because we wer... View more

Hi M & I were together for 8 yrs before his first crippling depressive episode. Together since we were 16, during that time he had been diagnosed with bipolar. He had many episodes of depression, but nothing as bad as what was to come. Because we were so young & didn't know anything about depression, I thought he was just being a jerk. I now know different. When the breakdown came, I stayed with him for a further 2-3 years. We were always close but I ended up being completely involved with his depression to the point I had no life or identity of my own anymore. I read as much as I could about it, I stayed in bed with him & took time off work because I was so scared that he wouldn't survive the day if I left. When I did leave him alone, I was constantly calling or messaging to make sure he was basically still alive. If he didn't answer I would get onto his family and become super anxious. I started seeing a psychologist because I also became depressed. She said I needed to back off basically, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. After 2-3 years of this I finally broke down & I also ended the relationship, just after our 10th anniversary. This was 2 years ago. During this time, I have been depressed & isolated myself. It has been a very slow process of rebuilding friendships & working through my own issues but I have my own life & ambitions again. M contacted me 6 months ago, out of the blue. He wanted to show me how well he was doing a& tell me that he got a job. Since then, we have both admitted we still feel exactly the same about each other & when we are together, it's just like how it used to be. Lately we have been talking about getting back together. He has been feeling really stressed about it & last night told me that he is worried that we will end up back where we were a few years ago if it happens again & he is scared that he won't make me happy in the future. I have told him multiple times how much I have learned since we broke up, about depression & about what went wrong. Now I know the signs, & that I should also look after myself.But at the moment, he can only see the negative. Next week I leave the country for 5 months so I told him today we should forget about talking about the future now & take it slow, talking as friends as we have been everyday. Getting rid of the pressure. I can't give up on us & him & let the depression win again. How can I make our relationship progress? Thanks a lot

CuppaT My boyfriend's depressed, how do I help without pushing him away?
  • replies: 2

Hi all, new here, just after a bit of advice... First a little about me, I am a 23-year-old guy who suffers from anxiety/depression. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I'm still riding the rollercoaster that is my mental health. But I'm in a prett... View more

Hi all, new here, just after a bit of advice... First a little about me, I am a 23-year-old guy who suffers from anxiety/depression. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I'm still riding the rollercoaster that is my mental health. But I'm in a pretty good place at the moment. What I actually want some advice on is my boyfriend, who also suffers from anxiety and depression. We've only been together about 6 months and it's going really well otherwise. We were open straight away about our mental health and are comfortable talking about it with each other. Lately, though, it seems his depression is getting worse. He seems distant or switched off more often. We see each other 3 or 4 times a week but he's started cancelling on me once or twice a week. He'll always be honest about why ("I'm having a bad day" or "I'm just not feeling up to it" kind of thing) and I respect that - I know what it's like to just need to be alone sometimes. I'm just worried that it's becoming more frequent. When we started dating, his own coping mechanisms seemed to be working for him. He already had very supportive friends and family and he was much more optimistic. Although I was worried he wasn't seeing a doctor/psych regularly and just relying on his script. He's coming to the end of his script now but he skipped out on a follow-up appointment last week and it has me really worried about him. I want to help, I want to tell him to go see his doctor but I don't want to push too hard because I know I could easily push him away. So... uh... yeah. Any advice would be muchly appreciated. Thanks

Courtamelia Pregnant mother, and partner of a man with a mood disorder
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 whilst running after my charming 2 year old son. My partner and i met 3 years ago, whilst both struggling with mental health issues. Mine; just your average depression that got out of hand fo... View more

Hi all, I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 whilst running after my charming 2 year old son. My partner and i met 3 years ago, whilst both struggling with mental health issues. Mine; just your average depression that got out of hand for a moment. His; a combination of bipolar disorder, depression, severe anxiety and, triggered by the above, a psychotic breakdown. We met, and talked, and became best friends. We could talk about absolutely everything. We helped eachother get well again. And the we fell pregnant with our son. It was the boost we both needed to kick our mental health issues in the butt once and for all... or so i thought. Fast forward 3 years of love, tears, laughter and learning, and a few ĺittle, near mental health relapses on his part along the way and we are pregnant with our second child! Happiness all round right? Yeah, maybe for the first 3 months.. Now hes sick. Really sick. And i dont know what to do. I raise our son, cook, clean, run errands... all on my own. All while pregnant. All while he sits and gets worse. Hes back on medication, which helps sometimes. But im still spending every night in bed alone. Every day alone. And if i try to have a conversation with him, well, i just dont even try anymore because i know there is no point. He's only going to get mad and leave. I'm not coping with his mental illness. I cant keep doing this alone, and i dont know who to go to for help.

Spunks_wife New to forum: desperate to help my husband
  • replies: 10

Hi everyone, As the title suggest, this is my first time posting and I am desperate to help my husband of almost 2 years. My hubby has had 4 TIA's (mini-strokes) and suffers short term memory loss. He is unable to find a job at aged 50, has tried sta... View more

Hi everyone, As the title suggest, this is my first time posting and I am desperate to help my husband of almost 2 years. My hubby has had 4 TIA's (mini-strokes) and suffers short term memory loss. He is unable to find a job at aged 50, has tried starting 2 businesses that he is very qualified in, one has folded and the latest is about to as it is costing us and as I only work school terms, the pressure financially is great. My husband, who was a single dad with sole custody when we met, has been abandoned in the most awful of ways by his daughter, and she has proceeded to bad-mouth him to anyone who will listen, destroying any relationship he has had with family and friends. His daughter was his life, he gave everything in the divorce to his ex to keep his daughter and now she is doing her best to destroy him emotionally. His blood pressure is on the rise again, he is sleeping really long hours and his anxiety levels are at an all time high. His memory is getting worse, and today I received a text when his only stable students cancelled this weeks classes, that he felt like a failure I am studying full-time and working as many hours as I can to support us, but I am tired...I get in trouble when I remind him of conversations (and I know he doesn't mean it) but it's so hard...all the time...and getting worse. What do I do? I love him so much, and want him to find peace in himself, but he is so angry, depressed, anxious, physically breaking things in anger...suggestions and advice please...I don't know how to help and I want to so much...thanks for reading...