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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Bulletin_Board_Archive My boyfriend's social anxiety
  • replies: 10

Originally posted by: S on 29 April 2012My boyfriend of 6 years has social phobia and gets anxious when out in public. Last night we were in a social situation with close friends and while everyone was making conversation, he had his arms crossed and... View more

Originally posted by: S on 29 April 2012My boyfriend of 6 years has social phobia and gets anxious when out in public. Last night we were in a social situation with close friends and while everyone was making conversation, he had his arms crossed and didn't speak to anyone the whole night. I caught out our "friends" making fun of his situation (only because they aren't aware of his phobia) He barely even spoke to me last night. This happens all the time and I'm beginning to notice my friends aren't spending as much time with me as they used to - is it because he weirds them out? I confronted him about his issue tonight! And of course he denies it, why should he be made to feel "like everyone else", "be fake" or try and "conform"? I told him that this is LIFE! To be friends with ppl and be friendly you need to TALK and INTERACT! I'm afraid that if he doesn't seek help, my resentment will grow. I want to help him but he is so vague he doesn't notice what he is missing out on. Is there anyone else who is experiencing this too?

Concerned_spouse How to support my boyfried
  • replies: 5

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. Early on, we had an open and frank conversation about his depression. He has had depression for many years and has medication and plans in place to treat it. This is something I am committed to sup... View more

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. Early on, we had an open and frank conversation about his depression. He has had depression for many years and has medication and plans in place to treat it. This is something I am committed to support him through. He is the sweetest most loving man I've ever met, and he's worth the challenges. Typically the weather, particularly the change of seasons to winter make managing his depression tougher. He knows he needs to eat well and exercise, but when the depression takes over this just doesn't seem possible. All he can do is sleep all weekend, I can't even encourage him to get up to eat at the moment. He is literally awake for only a couple of hours at best across the weekend, isnt able to get up to eat, and refuses all offers I make of bringing food to him. He pushes on and manages to get to work all week, but come the weekend, he is just a shell of himself. I support him by encouraging, but not pushing social outings on him, as I know he needs his rest to handle the next week. But when he's getting no nutrition on the weekend, I'm scared that he might be heading for a major crash. Any advice from people familiar with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

justin_n My partner of 9yrs and 4 yrs of depression has now turned to making things up
  • replies: 17

Hi there i need some serious help my partner of 9 yrs has had diagnosed depression for going on 4 yrs now and for the last 8 mths has got this idea that i am being unfaithful to her she goes through not so bad patches and then very very bad patches.S... View more

Hi there i need some serious help my partner of 9 yrs has had diagnosed depression for going on 4 yrs now and for the last 8 mths has got this idea that i am being unfaithful to her she goes through not so bad patches and then very very bad patches.She has seen a psych and that only seemed to make things worse it has gotten to the point now where she is making up different people in her mind believing i am conspiring against her and i am almost at breaking piont with my coping mechanisms and i really dont know what to do any more

sonnenschein rebuilding our relationship after a major depressive episode and a seperation
  • replies: 6

Hi M & I were together for 8 yrs before his first crippling depressive episode. Together since we were 16, during that time he had been diagnosed with bipolar. He had many episodes of depression, but nothing as bad as what was to come. Because we wer... View more

Hi M & I were together for 8 yrs before his first crippling depressive episode. Together since we were 16, during that time he had been diagnosed with bipolar. He had many episodes of depression, but nothing as bad as what was to come. Because we were so young & didn't know anything about depression, I thought he was just being a jerk. I now know different. When the breakdown came, I stayed with him for a further 2-3 years. We were always close but I ended up being completely involved with his depression to the point I had no life or identity of my own anymore. I read as much as I could about it, I stayed in bed with him & took time off work because I was so scared that he wouldn't survive the day if I left. When I did leave him alone, I was constantly calling or messaging to make sure he was basically still alive. If he didn't answer I would get onto his family and become super anxious. I started seeing a psychologist because I also became depressed. She said I needed to back off basically, but I wasn't in the right frame of mind. After 2-3 years of this I finally broke down & I also ended the relationship, just after our 10th anniversary. This was 2 years ago. During this time, I have been depressed & isolated myself. It has been a very slow process of rebuilding friendships & working through my own issues but I have my own life & ambitions again. M contacted me 6 months ago, out of the blue. He wanted to show me how well he was doing a& tell me that he got a job. Since then, we have both admitted we still feel exactly the same about each other & when we are together, it's just like how it used to be. Lately we have been talking about getting back together. He has been feeling really stressed about it & last night told me that he is worried that we will end up back where we were a few years ago if it happens again & he is scared that he won't make me happy in the future. I have told him multiple times how much I have learned since we broke up, about depression & about what went wrong. Now I know the signs, & that I should also look after myself.But at the moment, he can only see the negative. Next week I leave the country for 5 months so I told him today we should forget about talking about the future now & take it slow, talking as friends as we have been everyday. Getting rid of the pressure. I can't give up on us & him & let the depression win again. How can I make our relationship progress? Thanks a lot

CuppaT My boyfriend's depressed, how do I help without pushing him away?
  • replies: 2

Hi all, new here, just after a bit of advice... First a little about me, I am a 23-year-old guy who suffers from anxiety/depression. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I'm still riding the rollercoaster that is my mental health. But I'm in a prett... View more

Hi all, new here, just after a bit of advice... First a little about me, I am a 23-year-old guy who suffers from anxiety/depression. I was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I'm still riding the rollercoaster that is my mental health. But I'm in a pretty good place at the moment. What I actually want some advice on is my boyfriend, who also suffers from anxiety and depression. We've only been together about 6 months and it's going really well otherwise. We were open straight away about our mental health and are comfortable talking about it with each other. Lately, though, it seems his depression is getting worse. He seems distant or switched off more often. We see each other 3 or 4 times a week but he's started cancelling on me once or twice a week. He'll always be honest about why ("I'm having a bad day" or "I'm just not feeling up to it" kind of thing) and I respect that - I know what it's like to just need to be alone sometimes. I'm just worried that it's becoming more frequent. When we started dating, his own coping mechanisms seemed to be working for him. He already had very supportive friends and family and he was much more optimistic. Although I was worried he wasn't seeing a doctor/psych regularly and just relying on his script. He's coming to the end of his script now but he skipped out on a follow-up appointment last week and it has me really worried about him. I want to help, I want to tell him to go see his doctor but I don't want to push too hard because I know I could easily push him away. So... uh... yeah. Any advice would be muchly appreciated. Thanks

Courtamelia Pregnant mother, and partner of a man with a mood disorder
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 whilst running after my charming 2 year old son. My partner and i met 3 years ago, whilst both struggling with mental health issues. Mine; just your average depression that got out of hand fo... View more

Hi all, I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with baby number 2 whilst running after my charming 2 year old son. My partner and i met 3 years ago, whilst both struggling with mental health issues. Mine; just your average depression that got out of hand for a moment. His; a combination of bipolar disorder, depression, severe anxiety and, triggered by the above, a psychotic breakdown. We met, and talked, and became best friends. We could talk about absolutely everything. We helped eachother get well again. And the we fell pregnant with our son. It was the boost we both needed to kick our mental health issues in the butt once and for all... or so i thought. Fast forward 3 years of love, tears, laughter and learning, and a few ĺittle, near mental health relapses on his part along the way and we are pregnant with our second child! Happiness all round right? Yeah, maybe for the first 3 months.. Now hes sick. Really sick. And i dont know what to do. I raise our son, cook, clean, run errands... all on my own. All while pregnant. All while he sits and gets worse. Hes back on medication, which helps sometimes. But im still spending every night in bed alone. Every day alone. And if i try to have a conversation with him, well, i just dont even try anymore because i know there is no point. He's only going to get mad and leave. I'm not coping with his mental illness. I cant keep doing this alone, and i dont know who to go to for help.

Spunks_wife New to forum: desperate to help my husband
  • replies: 10

Hi everyone, As the title suggest, this is my first time posting and I am desperate to help my husband of almost 2 years. My hubby has had 4 TIA's (mini-strokes) and suffers short term memory loss. He is unable to find a job at aged 50, has tried sta... View more

Hi everyone, As the title suggest, this is my first time posting and I am desperate to help my husband of almost 2 years. My hubby has had 4 TIA's (mini-strokes) and suffers short term memory loss. He is unable to find a job at aged 50, has tried starting 2 businesses that he is very qualified in, one has folded and the latest is about to as it is costing us and as I only work school terms, the pressure financially is great. My husband, who was a single dad with sole custody when we met, has been abandoned in the most awful of ways by his daughter, and she has proceeded to bad-mouth him to anyone who will listen, destroying any relationship he has had with family and friends. His daughter was his life, he gave everything in the divorce to his ex to keep his daughter and now she is doing her best to destroy him emotionally. His blood pressure is on the rise again, he is sleeping really long hours and his anxiety levels are at an all time high. His memory is getting worse, and today I received a text when his only stable students cancelled this weeks classes, that he felt like a failure I am studying full-time and working as many hours as I can to support us, but I am tired...I get in trouble when I remind him of conversations (and I know he doesn't mean it) but it's so hard...all the time...and getting worse. What do I do? I love him so much, and want him to find peace in himself, but he is so angry, depressed, anxious, physically breaking things in anger...suggestions and advice please...I don't know how to help and I want to so much...thanks for reading...

NikkiCorey is there nothing more I can do, I don't want to sit back and watch him fade away and die
  • replies: 2

My son is 17, as a child he was always a little bit challenging and 2 appointments with paediatricians at 5yo showed nothing out of the ordinary. Mental health issues run throughout both sides of mine and hubbys families. My mum and youngest brother ... View more

My son is 17, as a child he was always a little bit challenging and 2 appointments with paediatricians at 5yo showed nothing out of the ordinary. Mental health issues run throughout both sides of mine and hubbys families. My mum and youngest brother committed suicide at 39 and 23. My sister suffers serious anxiety and depression and substance abuse, My husbands mother is bi polar and a manic depressed lady, she has had many stints in hospital to help stabilise her.we have a very happy, busy and beautiful family that includes 4 children. My husband ( there dad) and I have always provided well for our children, they are very fortunate and have very dedicated and doting parents, all 4 of them are attractive, popular and athletic.2 years ago Corey started smoking marijuana, we tried not to over react and remembered that back in our youth we too also dabbled with it. However Corey's personality has changed, he has dropped out of school, can not hold down a job, of which he has had 3, and has given up on football, he was well known throughout the club for being one of the best. He spends most days in his room and has terrible outburst regularly. His younger brother and sister are terrified of him and we all feel like we are treading on egg shells around him. If he doesn't get what he wants all hell breaks loose. He did initially see a dr ( at my work, I am a nurse) and he was very happy to give medication a try, it made him feel sick and then he refused to take it, he refuses to return for another consultation to try something gentler and absolutely refuses to see any one else for support, he cries a lot and has expressed the idea of suicide on many occasions, of course this frightens me because I know from personal experience that this is a very real probability. He is such a lovely boy, and is incredibly thoughtful, I am at a stand still, where do I go from here, we have had many conversations and he shuts any thought of help out immediately. He will not give up marijuana as he believes this is the only happy place he can go to and helps him to remain calm. Am I doing enough, I feel like I am failing him, where did I go wrong and what on earth can I do to fix this. His dad has got little patience left and has grown very angry about the whole situation, it is beginning to put a lot of strain on our 20 year marriage, which up until now has always been very happy. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Pvris23 Supporting, which has led to depression
  • replies: 5

Hey Guys, New to BeyondBlue and the forum. Just wanted to quickly start with how much of a fantastic place this is. Alright so straight into it. I have recently moved in with my partner. We have been dating for about a year now and she does suffer fr... View more

Hey Guys, New to BeyondBlue and the forum. Just wanted to quickly start with how much of a fantastic place this is. Alright so straight into it. I have recently moved in with my partner. We have been dating for about a year now and she does suffer from depression. I knew this from the beginning of relationship but I believe I could help. I have come to a point though where I am also suffering from depression and as much as I try and support her, I am starting to self destruct. We do fight alot. She says I don't understand, and that I'm not sympathetic and I don't know how she feels. And yes I will admit that I have a short fuse and will get frustrated. But I get frustrated because she will not open up to me and she constantly lies to me. Sometimes its little things that really there is no reason to lie about, but sometimes they are reason that many people would have walked away by now. I love her with my whole heart, and I am trying my hardest to be supportive and caring but I know within myself I am starting to get severly depressed. I looked forward to going to work because it is the one time she won't make me feel guilty for leaving her. And i feel horrible saying that but it has literally come to the point where i can't even hang out with my friends anymore because she will get so upset if I do. So it has come to the point where I don't see my friends anymore because the fight with her over it is not worth it. I'm not really if anyone can lead any advice here, but it does make me feel a bit better just to type it out.

Nickname_642EFE48-7691-42 How to detach when mental illness is suspected
  • replies: 3

My 20 year old son has just returned from him running away for 3 weeks. He is depressed, trying to recover from alcohol and marijuana abuse as well as I suspect undiagnosed anxiety. He has a history of mental break downs and self harm so I am loath t... View more

My 20 year old son has just returned from him running away for 3 weeks. He is depressed, trying to recover from alcohol and marijuana abuse as well as I suspect undiagnosed anxiety. He has a history of mental break downs and self harm so I am loath to refuse him entry if he appears clean or really low. How do I draw the line between natural consequences of his immature choices and those directly related to his depression or emotional frailty. He demanded access to the family PS4 as he was sick and felt it was cruel for me to deny this distraction when he was feeling so low. That privilege was denied him as he had broken into my house through the roof twice while he chose to live elsewhere plus he has a gaming addiction of 10 hours a day for months now unless I treat him like a child and lock equipment up. His reaction is to threaten to smash my stuff up, get up in my face yelling and hurling blame at me while I am trying to escape to work. He has delayed making a GP appointment until tomorrow but only after melting down and verbally abusing me over how badly he has been treated by me.How do you draw the line? Withdraw access to my belongings, restrict financial support, withdraw from his verbal outbursts to my bedroom means I am depressed and scared in my own home. Asking him to leave when he has no ability to support himself if he is mentally unwell is the dilemma but his behaviours are so damaging and unsustainable. I do him no favours to enable them but can't see consequences I can apply.I understand the importance of looking after oneself so I am reaching out for support here. But the fear of him harming himself due to his inability to see any positives seems to dictate I become a nobody and that doesn't sit well with me.beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.