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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Debra1 Very depressed and lonely
  • replies: 3

I am the sort of person who supports a lot of other people who have various problems, including my 14yo daughter, but I am feeling so over-whelmed now, as, when I really need some support, no one seems available for me, or are still needing me to sup... View more

I am the sort of person who supports a lot of other people who have various problems, including my 14yo daughter, but I am feeling so over-whelmed now, as, when I really need some support, no one seems available for me, or are still needing me to support them, which I will obviously still do. I just feel very emotionally drained, and a bit angry, that I am the one that ends up with no effective support from my friends when I need it! I even feel guilty now, for posting this here, but I just need some nice words and some help please.

Cath159 How do I help my partner with depression?
  • replies: 4

Hello everyone, I have never used a forum before. But I have no one to talk to about this. I just moved in with my partner and he has always had OCD and severe anxiety but has been on medication that has worked mostly until now. He just moved states ... View more

Hello everyone, I have never used a forum before. But I have no one to talk to about this. I just moved in with my partner and he has always had OCD and severe anxiety but has been on medication that has worked mostly until now. He just moved states and I know it's the biggest adjustment because I have done it too and we have no support where we are living and I don't know how to help him. He is distant and rude, he has such a short fuse and anything I say he takes as a personal attack. I try to talk about it but he doesn't want too and I feel so lonely because it's just me that is here with him. Plus I have never lived with him before and it's just so hard to realise how badly he is being affected by it all. He saw a psychologist and on the first day they just upped his medication but it's not working. And I want him to see someone else but he gets too upset and just wants to go to sleep. I love him so much and we have always had this amazing connection. But it is going because he's just not himself and it sounds so selfish but I miss who he was before. And I feel like I'm trying everything I can cooking/cleaning/walking the dog, to try and make things easier for him. But I'm just at a lost end. And it's early days but I wanted to know if anyone had advice? thanks

meandmyselftoo How to support a relative without pushing too hard
  • replies: 2

Hi all. My sister has had depression for around 2 years now. Before that, she was a cheerful uni student, with no visible signs of anxiety/depression. I believe the depression was triggered largely by lack of a job/career path. She didn't have a job ... View more

Hi all. My sister has had depression for around 2 years now. Before that, she was a cheerful uni student, with no visible signs of anxiety/depression. I believe the depression was triggered largely by lack of a job/career path. She didn't have a job lined up when she graduated, didn't find many places where she wanted to apply, considered a few other degrees, but has not landed on anything. I think she feels she doesn't have any direction in her life. She looks around at her friends and peers and sees them graduating, and finding jobs, partnering up, etc. and she feels like she isn't doing anything of value. This is in no way a judgement, just me trying to make sense of her condition. She had a part-time job as a tutor the year before last, but leading classes was stressful work for her, and she quit. We (my mother and I, we all live together) have tried to encourage her to look for a job, help with suggestions, etc., but she says she is afraid of having to turn up to the same job every day and take on responsibility. Even the thought of doing that is too stressful for her to bear. She has tried to face her depression, and I'm proud of her for that. She tried anti-depressants, but didn't like the way they made her feel. She was advised to do things she enjoys, and she's tried, taking dance/music/art lessons, and getting involved in community events. However, it hasn't been enough to lift her out of her funk. She went to a couple of psychologists, but didn't get anything out of it and doesn't want to go back. After a recent function she participated in, where she saw a number of her highly successful (read: overachieving) peers, she basically says she can't be bothered trying to fight anymore. I'm not trying to say she's made a specific suicide threat - although she has done in the past - she is saying she can't see the point of it, and feels like she will never get out of the depression, and her life will never go anywhere. I don't quite know what to do. I am trying to hang out with her, both just to have fun and to try to encourage her to talk, but the latter is hard, she doesn't like talking about her condition because she feels she is lowering herself in our eyes by admitting to weakness (which is ridiculous!) Asking her about job plans etc. stresses her out. The only thing I can think to do is to keep trying, gently, but I don't want to do anything to push her over the edge. Any advice/perspective would be much appreciated. Thanks.

Struggling_friend Please help
  • replies: 2

Hi,I am on here as a last resort....i am lost and dont know what to do anymore. I have been living with my best friend for the last 6yrs and she has become my family. We even bought a house together last year.. She has been struggling with sever depr... View more

Hi,I am on here as a last resort....i am lost and dont know what to do anymore. I have been living with my best friend for the last 6yrs and she has become my family. We even bought a house together last year.. She has been struggling with sever depression and anxiety for pretty much the whole time. I was finally able to get her the help that she needed last year and is now on medication to help. A while back i lost her trust because i had said some hurtful things about her to other people. When this happened she attempted suicide. Now she is very scared that this is happeneing again and as much as i reassure her she doesnt have that trust in me any more to believe what i say. She told me last night that she doesnt belong in this world. I am the only person that has ever made her feel safe and as if she belonged and if she doesnt have that anymore she has nothing and has to 'go'. I am so scared and tired i just dont know what to do anymore. I cant handle to pressure anymore and im scared for my own safety.Any advice would be greatly appreciated

shine_bright Please help me help my husnband
  • replies: 10

My husband is not in a good way. We have been together for 12 years and when I look back now I can see that he was never really happy but me being me just thought he was quiet and introverted and that I could bring him out of himself. Now I think tha... View more

My husband is not in a good way. We have been together for 12 years and when I look back now I can see that he was never really happy but me being me just thought he was quiet and introverted and that I could bring him out of himself. Now I think that he has never actually felt happy and he has told me things recently about how he's really been feeling. The crazy thing is that over the years I have tried to understand him and communicate but he has always shut me down. I've asked him to chat to someone with me to help (but he has always refused), I have sought help myself in the past so that I had support. He will not see a doctor. He says they can't help him. He is very black and white about things. I am not one to play the blame game and I truly just want to know what I can do next. he has told me recently that he has dark thoughts but not about committing suicide. He is having terrible violent nightmares and he seems disconnected. He said he sometimes feels like an onlooker when he's with people and that he's not a part of things. I know he is feeling dreadful but I don't know what to do when he won't seek help. It also affects me because he does things like go out after work drinking and not call to tell me he'll be late and arrive home at 1am and then the next morning he is so upset with himself that I don't know how to deal with it. he said that drinking takes away the negative thoughts for a short time but then it's worse the next day. And I know this as I am there trying to help him! But I also feel let down and frustrated because my feelings don't seem to matter. Now our son is older and he is asking why dad has been going out and not telling us and it is affecting him. There is a part of me trying to teach my son empathy and compassion and the other part of me wanting him to understand that this behaviour is not an ok way to treat others. He is physically disconnected too. He has had panic attacks and recently told me that it feels like his heart is going to tear out of his chest. I seriously want to help him but don't want to be an enabler and that is how I'm feeling now. Any insight would be gratefully received and appreciated.

Georgia05 Don't know what to do!
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. I need your help! My brother (27yrs) had an episode of psychotic depression at the end of last year. He was hospitalised for a almost two weeks and since then he has been under antidepressant medication, he has been seen by an assessment... View more

Hi everyone. I need your help! My brother (27yrs) had an episode of psychotic depression at the end of last year. He was hospitalised for a almost two weeks and since then he has been under antidepressant medication, he has been seen by an assessment team once a month and he used to visit a psychologist. He has been straggling since then. The episode was prompt by an incidence at work. After few sessions with the psychologist he decided to go back to work part time and try to face his fears. However that did not really help him. He doesn't seem to be able to control his stress, he is overthinking, he hasn't been able to sleep well for over 4 months. Also, he is doubting as to whether he has depression or not which sometimes makes it difficult for him to keep up with his medication as well as with seeing a psychologist. At the moment his in a dilemma between staying at work and try to take on responsibilities or to take a year off. He has been forth and back with this dilemma the past month. He is quite withdrawn, he seems lost in his thoughts and very anxious and hopeless. He doesn't want to speak to a helpline because he is afraid that by doing so they will take him back to the hospital. Similarly with his case worker, he doesn't want to talk to them because he is afraid they will give him more medication or take him back to the hospital. We don't know what to do help him!!!

evam How can I help my good friend - a doctor?
  • replies: 3

Dear Community, dear Readers, I am coming to you in hope to get ideas and advice. My very good friend and housemate is depressed and I don't know what else I can do to help him. He is such a lovely and polite guy, when we are outside or when he is at... View more

Dear Community, dear Readers, I am coming to you in hope to get ideas and advice. My very good friend and housemate is depressed and I don't know what else I can do to help him. He is such a lovely and polite guy, when we are outside or when he is at work nobody realizes it, but when he is at home in the evenings I see it and we talk about everything. I let him talk, in hope that it somehow helps him a bit, but he sees everything very negatively. He doesn't want to be in his profession anymore and is looking at a career change, but even then he seems not very excited about it. He feels like everything is going wrong for him and he also a bit betrayed by god. Apart from just listening to him, I do make sure he knows that I'm always there for him when he needs me; I take all the house chores off him and make sure he comes home to a clean, homely house. I give him hugs and basically all the love I can give him in this time. I try making his day a bit brighter with little things, like getting him a strawberry milk (he loves it) and so on. I know that it is a hard time for him and I don't like seeing him this way, because I care very much for him. Is there anything else I can do, apart from being there for him? I don't want to suggest to him to see a doctor, because he is one himself, so it may be strange to tell a doctor to see a doctor. Any advise would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance and have a great day!!

Neulady How can I help my husband?
  • replies: 7

My husband has had depression on and off for about 10 years (I've only known him for 4.5 years). The contributing factors for his depression include dysfunctional family, chronic back pain, a past partner committing suicide, job stress and financial ... View more

My husband has had depression on and off for about 10 years (I've only known him for 4.5 years). The contributing factors for his depression include dysfunctional family, chronic back pain, a past partner committing suicide, job stress and financial stress. For the time that we've been together he has been functioning quite well. Our first baby was born 7.5 months ago and my husband lost his job the week after the baby was born. He has been looking for work ever since with no success meaning that we are now in a very dire financial situation. He seemed to be coping ok until 2 months ago when he attempted suicide. Ever since he has hardly talked to anyone including me. He won't do anything with our baby nor will he do anything to help around the house. He is medicated and seeing a psychologist. However, he refuses to follow through on any of their basic suggestions like getting some exercise or establishing a good sleep routine.I'm at my wit's end. He won't listen to anything I say and he takes everything I say as an attack. He acts like a naughty child. I understand the struggle he is going through as I have had depression in the past. But how much rope am I supposed to give him? I don't want our child to be raised in an unhappy household. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:8.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:107%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri",sans-serif; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

hopefuled How can I best support my girlfriend
  • replies: 1

Hi Guys, I would like to start of by saying I've been a long time browser of these forums and have really benefited from sharing other peoples experiences and have soaked up a lot of great advice. My beautiful girlfriend has been struggling with depr... View more

Hi Guys, I would like to start of by saying I've been a long time browser of these forums and have really benefited from sharing other peoples experiences and have soaked up a lot of great advice. My beautiful girlfriend has been struggling with depression for over 10 years now. She has been my best friend for two years before we starting dating and lately her depression has been getting the best of her. She gets really down all the time, struggles to get out of bed some days and lacks a lot of self confidence I guess. I was aware of her depression before we started dating but never to this extent. The worst part is she hates her self for being down and is worried that is constantly affecting me for the worse. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't make me sad but I truely try everything to make her happy. I've encouraged her to exercise a lot more without putting too much pressure on her and I'm always doing little things to cheer her up. I love her more than anything in the world and just want to see her happy and see how beautiful she really is. She wants to have a break from our relationship so she can focus on getting her self better and putting her self first. I was naturally devastated and felt so heartbroken. But the more I think about it I think it might be for the best as she well never get her self better if she is constantly thinking she is negatively affecting me (even though It really doesn't and I just want her to get better ) So, my question is... What is the best things I can do to support her. She actually suggested she wanted to get counselling but hasn't done anything about it yet and I don't want to push her. We still talk every day and have so much love for each other. I'm really struggling to find a happy medium of how much I should be talking to her, what I should be saying and over analysing every single thing I do. At this point I don't care about us getting back together, if it's meant to be it will happen, I just care so much about her and will do anything I can to help her get better. Appreciate any advice and look forward to hearing for you. Thank you so much E.

AriaL My boyfriend is suffering from severe depression...
  • replies: 2

Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. At the start of our relationship he told me that he has severe depression and that he was self harming before we got together. a few months in I realised that maybe his depression had got... View more

Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. At the start of our relationship he told me that he has severe depression and that he was self harming before we got together. a few months in I realised that maybe his depression had gotten a bit better because he had changed (for the better) and wasn't so sad anymore now after a year it's changed back to how it use to be. we recently moved in to our own house and he has gotten really sad and not talking to me much, he stays up late hours of the night, he goes to the gym every day (he never did that before we moved) and he is always angry about something I say. i talked to him today and asked him if we are okay, he said we are fine. I asked if he was okay and he said he doesn't know. i know that his depression has come back and has hit him hard. I just don't know how to help him or how to get his mind of whatever he is thinkjng i need help please... thank you in advance.