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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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DL2016 Breaking through to sister
  • replies: 3

Hi all, thank you in advance for any advice and I hope this is the right section. I want to share about my sisters recent severe panic attack and hospitalisation, please note it could be distressing to read. I was with my sister in our hotel room wit... View more

Hi all, thank you in advance for any advice and I hope this is the right section. I want to share about my sisters recent severe panic attack and hospitalisation, please note it could be distressing to read. I was with my sister in our hotel room with my 1yo bub when she had her second major panic attack. It was extreme with screaming, kicking etc. I called 000 and she is now in hospital. I know there are a few major stressors and specific fears that I think trigger this and one of them being the fear of being back in hospital again and "locked in" because she's crazy. There is a family history of schizophrenia and bipolar but she has had testing and only been diagnosed with anxiety. She is mid 40s. I have had personal experience with anxiety but not to this level. I have tried to visit and call but she does not want to talk. I respect this completely. I am now back interstate where I live and am wondering what I do next? Is there any ideas on what I could do to "breakthrough to her" or do I just keep calling every day and allow it to take as long as it takes? I did think about writing a letter so it could be on her terms to communicate back to me? thanks donna

Optimistically_speaking What to do?
  • replies: 3

My husband has been battling depression for the past 8 years. We've seen a psych who has given him medication but unfortunately he says what the psych wants to hear during the session and ignores it by the time he’s got to the car. During this time, ... View more

My husband has been battling depression for the past 8 years. We've seen a psych who has given him medication but unfortunately he says what the psych wants to hear during the session and ignores it by the time he’s got to the car. During this time, we as a family have been on a roller coaster ride. Each time he's been on a down slide, it has been due to stopping the medication; drinking to excess or having a personal meltdown. Although he has been great with the kids, he's been verbally abusive to me. On top of this at the end of each downer, he's tried / suggested that he's not worthy to live anymore, should end it all etc. Each time I've panicked, talked him out of it etc. and walked on eggshells until he's come good. This time, he's hit the 'drink'; stopped his meds and gone off at me and I’ve had enough. I have tried my best to keep the marriage /family together.He is well aware of the problems with alcohol; that depression affects not just him but all of us. He seems to have abandoned all thoughts of trying to get better. Instead, setting himself a path of destruction etc. Does anyone know of a good counsellor in QLD who is able to 'cut through the crap' I'm tired of being the 'strong one' in the marriage and don't know how much more I can cope with. Has anyone had any experience with this -- I’ve run out of ideas.

lostinparadise Feeling Hopeless
  • replies: 3

My husband suffers from depression/anxiety. We have been together and it has gradually got worse. We moved to Australia his home country after 6 years of marriage with 8 month in tow. Back home the episodes wouldn't be as frequent and now we can't go... View more

My husband suffers from depression/anxiety. We have been together and it has gradually got worse. We moved to Australia his home country after 6 years of marriage with 8 month in tow. Back home the episodes wouldn't be as frequent and now we can't go 3/4 months without a major breakdown of some sort. He is seeing someone but I feel helpless to the point today I called the local hospital as I couldn't get in touch with him! I have no real network here even though been here 5 yrs. I don't tell any family back home as I don't wont to burden them speak to his mother but finding it harder and harder as deep down I blame his parents for his condition. I am so scared of losing my husband and being on my own with our son. I know I need help so will go and see gp tomorrow as "being strong" can take its toll!

loving_but_lost Husband reluctant to get help and I'm no longer happy
  • replies: 6

Hi, My husband was diagnosed with extreme severe depression, extreme severe anxiety and severe stress 2 years ago. Since then he has seen a psychologist 6 times, which was in the first couple of months after being diagnosed, and only periodically tak... View more

Hi, My husband was diagnosed with extreme severe depression, extreme severe anxiety and severe stress 2 years ago. Since then he has seen a psychologist 6 times, which was in the first couple of months after being diagnosed, and only periodically takes his antidepressants. He is reluctant to find and see a new psychologist or a dr to continue treatment, he believes he can do it himself. We have 2 small daughters under 6 and all they see of their dad is a stressed out, tired man who plays the PlayStation constantly and doesn't pick up after himself. We have had numerous conversations about how it's the illness and it's not him. How the illness is effecting us all and how he can fix it. But he won't. I don't know why. I see a psychologist myself originally for PND but now it's just to cope as a carer, but I feel I'm slowly losing hope. We've not been sexually intimate for months, that's what he says he wants so that he can feel that we're ok, but due to our lives now not what it used to be I'm not feeling as attracted to him as I once was. I'm finding myself turning to mimicking him and his withdrawals to see if he notices the housework not being done and the kids running wild, it's not working. I feel guilty for not keeping a lovely home, which is what I've always done, and I feel heartbroken for our daughters. I want to talk to him about the way I feel, which is unhappy, unappreciated, helpless, lost and lonely. I have made and taken him to numerous appointments, he doesn't want me to do it any more. He gets angered when I check if he's had his medication, and he won't listen to his mother. I really don't know how much more I can take, especially for my girls. He used to be a cutter and suicidal and I'm terrified if I even mention a break that we will lose him. I love him, his daughters love him, what can I do to help him seek the help he needs to get back to his healthy happy self. Thank you for listening to my ramblings. Much love x

Creed2 Struggling to keep caring
  • replies: 2

I have been caring and living with someone for the last 17 years who suffers with bipolar.her last major breakdown was ten years ago and is currently going thru a minor one but has a lot of physical problems occuring due to this. After repeditive vis... View more

I have been caring and living with someone for the last 17 years who suffers with bipolar.her last major breakdown was ten years ago and is currently going thru a minor one but has a lot of physical problems occuring due to this. After repeditive visits have lost faith in our medical services and getting very frustrated and tiered while running out of options,while having no friends and semi interested family for help not sure what my next move is,i now this is a brief description but any suggestions of any sought would be welcome

Neilzy Getting my husband back
  • replies: 3

My husband suffers depression and anxiety but won't take his medication. I also found out he loves another woman, I found messages on his phone confronted him about it and we sort of talked about it and said we would move on and put it all behind us.... View more

My husband suffers depression and anxiety but won't take his medication. I also found out he loves another woman, I found messages on his phone confronted him about it and we sort of talked about it and said we would move on and put it all behind us. He still messages this woman (she is a friend of ours well his I don't want anything to do with her) and if I make comment about them being in contact still he denies it when I know they are. When it first come out she was telling him to go and reignite the passion he had with his wife but this hasn't really happened, some days he's good and we are like we used to be and the rest we are more or less just house mates. I love him with all my heart and when I first found out about it I said to him I will never leave him as I was in it for the long run and that's why we got married. When he was on his medication he was really good but then decided he doesn't need them. Yesterday he hid in bed all day as his depression raised its ugly head. This person he has feelings for he used to live with her, her husband and their 17 year old son. I believe that when he suffered his breakdown last year and left his old job and started and new one and moved in with these friends the woman was having deep and meaningful with my husband and vice versa and they were telling each other what they wanted to hear. Some days I feel so alone and it's just me and our 8 year old son, hubby stays back at work and drinks and comes home late and drunk. I just want my husband back to the way he was who cares if he has to take medication I certainly don't I just want back what he had and her out of the picture which will never happen as their son and my husband race speedway cars together so he will always be involved with their family. I believe in karma and think their little bubble will burst and whatever they think they feel towards each other and have will come to a head sooner or later. I've bee told by a friend that she has changed her phone number which my husband has the new number and this friend also was told that the woman and her husband have split up, but I don't if it's true e or not. Think it's time for me to go to the dr and get something to help cope and pit things out of my mind.

Ashlin99 partner feeling lost and confused
  • replies: 2

My beautiful husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. Seemed great till I begged him to have a child,soon after he was diagnosed with depression. He took meds but would refuse therapy at all costs.He had some very rough times and would be rough o... View more

My beautiful husband and I have been together for 15 yrs. Seemed great till I begged him to have a child,soon after he was diagnosed with depression. He took meds but would refuse therapy at all costs.He had some very rough times and would be rough on me in ways that were not to fair - it was the worst yr of my life I went through some very low points there were things that happened that affected my trust and safety but for some reason I still didn't leave him.I admit that I was a bit changed from the experiences but I didn't realise how much,I do tend to be on the negative side of things a lot and so nowadays I feel very negative about life and I know it affects my husband,he told me and I just know.my husband is the most beautiful fair caring loving wise man I have ever met but he hasn't been this man for a few yrs I know he must be suffering terribly but I feel so bad about everything,I feel so bad that he has this terrible disease I wanted so bad for it too leave him so he could be him again,I would give anything. Now I'm worried that my own issues are making his life evenharder.I'm sick of feeling so crap all the time,my dreams are over and my hopes seem non existent . Depression is so unfair , it took my amazing husband away from me and I can't attack anyone or make it better .I know therapy would help me be a better support but I have no support my family lives away and not to mention my husband would be threatened by me going to therapy and I've made enough mistakes I just want to have some life that is non stressful not on eggshells and laughing and relaxing. My husband has made some deep analysis of his life and what's involved in his depression, if he's on the road to sorting and I'm making it worse should I even be with him?

Lulu13 Mum looking for some ideas
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, my 27 year old son has been diagnosed with anxiety and I'm looking for some ideas to help get him through. I live about 5 hours from him and work full time. I've taken some time off work at the moment and am spending time with him. He is... View more

Hi everyone, my 27 year old son has been diagnosed with anxiety and I'm looking for some ideas to help get him through. I live about 5 hours from him and work full time. I've taken some time off work at the moment and am spending time with him. He is managing to work - he's self employed - as long as he has someone with him he feels safe with. I listen, and I've accompanied him to appts when he's wanted me to. He seems calmer with me around but I'm worried what will happen when I have to return to work - any ideas on how I can provide support now and then long distance when I have to go back to work?? He has a happy marriage and two little kiddies, has a great small business and is a popular bloke. I hate to see him suffering. He understands what he has and goes between intense anxiety and being rational about what he's feeling anxious about. Any and all ideas would be much appreciated!

Smilesy Caring partner looking for some support
  • replies: 4

Hey all! These forums are amazing. I've been snooping around a little and within 15 minutes of reading I instantly felt better about my situation and realised I'm not alone - so awesome! I'll introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old mum of three. My husba... View more

Hey all! These forums are amazing. I've been snooping around a little and within 15 minutes of reading I instantly felt better about my situation and realised I'm not alone - so awesome! I'll introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old mum of three. My husband who is 35 suffers from chronic depression. He is a stay at home dad with the three kids and I work full time in a fab job and am also finishing off the last parts of a law degree. I love my husband very much but as a lot of you would understand, living with somebody who has depression can be extremely difficult. I have come here to these forums to seek advice and support from others who support a spouse/partner with depression and gain insight from those suffering so I can support my husband and help him manage (or even better - overcome!) his illness. I've downloaded all the resources from the BB website and they have been very helpful in the past. Nice to meet you all and thanks again for just being here Smilesy.

Daydream How to break through?
  • replies: 2

Hi I am mum to 29 yo lad still living at home - the term 'failure to launch' may apply. He is highly intelligent ,had a long uni stint including postgrad and now holds a good but unsatisfying job. He has always struggled socially , with intercommunic... View more

Hi I am mum to 29 yo lad still living at home - the term 'failure to launch' may apply. He is highly intelligent ,had a long uni stint including postgrad and now holds a good but unsatisfying job. He has always struggled socially , with intercommunication and relationships. Over past 3 years he has slowly withdrawn from all friends. Apart from going to work each day he spends every waking hour in his (childhood) bedroom playing computer games etc. He can/will barely converse or look us in the eye now. I imagine that he is resentful of being at home still and I do understand and have offered assistance to move. No response! I am watching this inexorable decline and despite all my efforts of providing information ( eg BB et al) communicating , suggesting psychs, GPs, life coaches, I cannot break through. I am now reaching a point where I fear what may happen if we cant get him help soon. Looking for anything that I could try