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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Need_support My partner says he doesn't love me anymore but I think it's his mental health doing the talking.
  • replies: 8

My partner and I have been together for 7 years. We own a business that we built from nothing that we both love and are passionate about. My partner is not a talker, he doesn't express his emotions well and never has. Our relationship has always been... View more

My partner and I have been together for 7 years. We own a business that we built from nothing that we both love and are passionate about. My partner is not a talker, he doesn't express his emotions well and never has. Our relationship has always been pretty great, we are very close as a couple and neither of us ever saw a future without each other. Around 2 months ago he randomly came out and told me he wasn't happy. He explained that he wasn't enjoying the horses (our business is training horses) and that he was burnt out and felt lost. I supported him with this and he was down but we were okay. Then he started saying things such as 'I don't treat you very well' and was concerned after a particular argument we had, where we both said things we regretted, that he can't possibly love me if he speaks to me badly when we fight. He got really fixated on this and admitted it was all he thought about and felt extreme guilt. This has now snowballed to the point where he has told me he doesn't love me anymore and that we should part ways. It has gone from him feeling extremely guilty that he treats me badly (which he doesn't) to now saying his feelings are completely gone and he has checked out of our relationship mentally. He barely speaks to me now and is sometimes quite nasty towards me. I do not retaliate when he says these things I always remain calm and am careful with my words. Through all this, I have noticed signs of depression, he still goes to work but has expressed hes not enjoying it like he used to. He doesn't go to the races unless he has to which is very unusual for him. His personality has faded, the once happy, confident 'big kid' that loves to be silly has completely gone. He gets angry and agitated very easily which is not in his nature. He doesn't smile or laugh often and has said things to me like talking to people is a big effort and he can't be bothered. He is not the person he was. He has acknowledged that there is a problem with his mental health but refuses to go to a doctor. He is getting worse with these behaviors every day. I don't know if this is all to do with some form of depression and he isn't thinking clearly or has he really fallen out of love with me? My heart and my gut feeling tells me he does still love me but I am not sure and I am really struggling to cope with this. It's all getting too much.

Clues_Of_Blue Trying to maintain balance
  • replies: 14

My partner was born with a heart condition, which in turn deprived his body of normal levels of oxygen and damaged his lungs. He grew up being told he was not expected to live to the age of twenty. He surpassed that, but over the course of our relati... View more

My partner was born with a heart condition, which in turn deprived his body of normal levels of oxygen and damaged his lungs. He grew up being told he was not expected to live to the age of twenty. He surpassed that, but over the course of our relationship his health continued to go downhill. Eventually he quit work, some while later quit study, and finally moved in with me, having accepted he needed my help with pretty much everything. Not long after he moved in we got the call - there was a donor, and he was to have both heart and lungs transplanted. That was about four months ago. Physically, he is able to do things he hasn't been able to do for years, but he is by no means mended. Mentally... he's battled depression for years and had a pretty good handle on it. But now, the ordeal of surgery and the lengthy stay in an interstate hospital, the sheer amount of time we had to be away from home and managing that with the rigors of covid, a bunch of things going wrong at home after that making it extremely hard to get into any sense of normalcy... It's taken it's toll on both of us. He is on immune suppressants, which make him vulnerable to any bug going past, never mind the big one everyone is on about. He has a fungal infection in his lungs, from spores we all breathe in at one time or another but don't know about because our body sends them on their way. His various meds make him nauseous on and off, and give him the shakes. We don't know if his constant exhaustion is physical or mental in nature, or both. Then here's me, also a long term depression sufferer, burnt out long before becoming a carer in a job I utterly loathe (yes of course I've tried finding another, please do not ask that!). He can't work, of course, and I can't provide for us without working - whatever he gets from Centrelink goes down depending on my income, so the more I work the more I have to. I somehow have to manage a household, care for our two birds and keep two depressed people out of that black hole we go down, each of those things being full time jobs in their own right. I'm half managing that whilst on leave. Now the money is running out and I am on the verge of returning to work, I have no idea how I am going to cope with it all and somehow have room for taking care of myself. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else and of course I don't begrudge my partner for needing me as he does. On the flip side, how the heck do I maintain balance with work thrown back into the mix?

Rebecca-Becca-Beca Bipolar+ sibling overseas - hypomanic
  • replies: 1

I was wanting to hear of people's experiences supporting someone with mental health whilst they are overseas. Our sibling does not wish to come home as they are having "their breakdown" on a gorgeous Greek isle. They planned this breakdown and chose ... View more

I was wanting to hear of people's experiences supporting someone with mental health whilst they are overseas. Our sibling does not wish to come home as they are having "their breakdown" on a gorgeous Greek isle. They planned this breakdown and chose not to take medication overseas with them (reactive medication, they don't take a daily mood stabiliser). Enjoying the hypomanic state as people so often do. Another sibling has flown over their medication to them, they have had a telehealth with their Psychiatrist, we are trying to get someone to come and stay with them for another few weeks until they 'are ready' to come home. Their flight is in 2 1/2 weeks time. They have continued to refuse to take their mood stabiliser, however the Psych has said that is OK for now as they are managing to sleep for short periods. Our biggest worry is that anything outside of my siblings control is triggering them. Their environment is mostly controlled for now, in a very peaceful sleepy coastal village. However, navigating airports/flights etc is going to be very difficult. We don't have the financial resources to send anyone else over to fly back with her when she deems herself ready. I'd really just like to hear others experiences of a loved one being overseas and mentally unwell.

Trudyann46 13 year old with anxiety- school camp or not?
  • replies: 4

Hi there my daughter started Year 7 his week and is already extremely anxious about attending a 3 day school camp in March. I really want her to go and participate to feel more involved but she is anxious about being away from home, having to partici... View more

Hi there my daughter started Year 7 his week and is already extremely anxious about attending a 3 day school camp in March. I really want her to go and participate to feel more involved but she is anxious about being away from home, having to participate in activities and being in her swimmers in front of people. She's very paranoid and unhappy with the way she looks but she is not overweight or anything like that. She's adamant she does not need to do team building things like this as she knows these kids already. I have spoken to her year advisor and she won't have to do the activities that concern her but she feels that would make her stand out as well. i have tried to get her to see a psychologist but she hates talking to strangers about her feelings- She was very upset and refused to go back. She does talk to me and tells me how she's feeling. I'm worried that if I force her to go when she's clearly panicked about it that will affect the trust we have and she may not be as open with me. In the big scheme of things is not going to a 3 day camp really so bad?

Redhuta Advice on depressed husband moving back in with us after 6 month separation.
  • replies: 34

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time w... View more

Well I have had a roller coaster 6 months with my depressed husband leaving. I have got a long thread about this however I thought I would start this new one. I did move with my two daughters to a smaller place and he has been spending so much time with us over the last couple of months.We spoke the other night and he wants to come back however he is a bit anxious about things going wrong. I understand his anxiety does make him see things in a much more exaggerated manner in my opinion however I am not pushing him. I did tell him that if things were to go wrong we could simply seperate again? I feel like I dont want to pressure him or even sugar coat things however I am not sure how to support his anxiety. The kids will be ecstatic and he has done a lot of work with his psychologist and he is on a great does of medication. He seems like the old man I married however after 6 months I feel we need to get to know each other again romantically as there has been none of that over the separation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Mr K Overseas relative with cancer diagnosis.
  • replies: 8

Unfortunately, I learned the other day that my elderly (though not nearly elderly enough) Mother had been diagnosed with cancer and there isn't really anything that can be done.Apart from dealing with the shock, I now face the prospect of having to e... View more

Unfortunately, I learned the other day that my elderly (though not nearly elderly enough) Mother had been diagnosed with cancer and there isn't really anything that can be done.Apart from dealing with the shock, I now face the prospect of having to explain this to my kids 7 & 11. I don't have any idea of Mum's time left so I don't know if I should try to visit or what else to do. Mum is literally on the other side of the world. I'm all over the place, trying to keep busy but when alone, I was so upset I was struggling to breathe properly. Some people are telling me to take some time off but if I'm alone, which I would be I think I'd just lappse into utter dispair. I'm so worried about my Mum and my Dad, they are so loving and close. I never think of them as separate people, always together the most loving unit. K.

Purplehummingbird Need help with my husbands porn addiction
  • replies: 4

I believe my husband is addicted to porn. I now believe this has been going on for years. We have been married for 32 years and have 3 adult sons. I saw him using porn a long time ago, I was hurt and shocked and wondered why I was not enough, we were... View more

I believe my husband is addicted to porn. I now believe this has been going on for years. We have been married for 32 years and have 3 adult sons. I saw him using porn a long time ago, I was hurt and shocked and wondered why I was not enough, we were young and having regular sex back then. But I did not say anything. He is a good man and we have a strong relationship, well I thought we did. I am 56 and he is 58. We have not been intimate for about 4 years. My libido crashed when I hit menopause, he was not bothered by this. I just assumed he was losing his too, as there was already evidence of this. But now I think it's because he was using porn. We have not shared a bed for over 20 years. I am a very poor sleeper and he is a snorer. I discovered him using porn about 3 months ago, and since then I have been spying on him and have discovered that is is pretty much a nightly ritual lasting up to 2 hours. He tells me he's tired and is going to bed, gives me a kiss , then goes and looks at porn. Over the years I have tried to initiate intimacy but I am always rejected. Since my recent knowledge of his nightly ritual, I have tried again and been told he's not interested, even that he'd have to take a pill, then he's gone and masturbated to porn. We do nothing more than kiss, hug and hold hands. We do spend a lot of time together, go to movies, dinner, drives and away for weekends etc. He always tells me he loves me so I never thought this was going on. I am feeling betrayed, hurt, angry and very low. I feel like I've been punched in the guts and my heart is breaking. I want to confront him but I'm worried about his reaction. He is also a heavy smoker and a bit of a hoarder. He knows how much this bothers me, but when I bring it up, he gets angry and defensive, so god knows how he will react to this! I am in the process of writing him a letter, which I will read to him, I think this will be the easiest way for me as I generally avoid confrontation. It's also giving me time to think about it and use the right words, but I am still struggling. I am wondering if there is any support out there? I would love to be able to talk to someone, but we are under financial stress. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Petal22 Supporting loved ones going through mental illness
  • replies: 1

Hi Everyone, If you know some one who is struggling please show them LOVE, Understanding and compassion. A mental illness sometimes isn’t visible to the eye but it doesn’t mean it’s not real……… In my experience with mental illness Obsessive Compulsiv... View more

Hi Everyone, If you know some one who is struggling please show them LOVE, Understanding and compassion. A mental illness sometimes isn’t visible to the eye but it doesn’t mean it’s not real……… In my experience with mental illness Obsessive Compulsive Disorder I felt exhausted and terrified I felt like my mind was in an everlasting spiral that I just couldn’t stop….. I lived with this condition day in and day out….. I am grateful that I had such a supportive network while I was going through this condition……. They showed me understanding which is all I really wanted…….. I wasn’t judged or disregarded by my loved ones for what I was going through they just tried to understand and be there for me in the best way that they could be. I will be for ever grateful to one person who stuck by my side through out my journey this person has left a lasting impression on my soul…. This person came to me with a light while I was in the depths of OCD darkness…. You never forget the people who come to you with a light to lead you out of the darkness Maybe YOU could be this person for the one you know who is struggling? I’m now recovered from OCD….. for ever grateful to the ones who supported me…. You are all my earth angels

HeyJupiter Bipolar Partner: Gaslighting and no empathy?
  • replies: 5

I am tired. I have been with my partner, who has bipolar, for 19 years. I am sure it is the same for all of you, but there is so much to say that I do not even know where to start. Also, I do not want anyone to think she is not a good person who has ... View more

I am tired. I have been with my partner, who has bipolar, for 19 years. I am sure it is the same for all of you, but there is so much to say that I do not even know where to start. Also, I do not want anyone to think she is not a good person who has amazing and beautiful characteristics. She is the strongest person I know. I just feel like my experience is absent. Even from me. After 19 years, I can no longer answer questions like "what do I want?" or what is important to me. I find it really hard to make decisions, or to trust in my interpretations. I could count on one hand the number of times in the last few years she has asked about my day, or how I am feeling. Now I am writing that it sounds so petty but it is one thing in a larger context. That context includes me feeling like I need to check with her about everything. Feeling nervous if I need to say something and I am not sure of her reaction. She doesn't say thank you often. I can be talking and she does not respond. Her making decisions about her life as if we are not even in a partnership, like looking for a job where she would be away for months. She says these things definitively - no discussion. If I am sick it is like it is an inconvenience to her. All of this (and more) adds up to me feeling worthless and hurt. I can not say anything that she interprets as criticism - small or big. When I have tried in the past, she somehow turns it all around on me and goes into attack mode. I end up apologising cause I don't want the situation to keep going and to get the silent treatment or make her angry. If I say anything too big, I am afraid she will just say "well that is it then, if you don't like me the way I am then it is over". I don't think she is happy but I am too afraid to have the conversation. I get that I am not perfect, but I try and be a good partner. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Does this stuff ring true with other people's experiences? Even now I am frightened she will somehow see this and I will be "caught" talking. And this is when things are stable and she is well. We have had more difficult times where she has been very unwell. I am not feeling desperate, though I have many times in the past. I would just appreciate some perspective from people. Thanks for your time.

Dumblond66 Breaking down the "labels" to determine what's actually happening? Without sticking my foot in it.
  • replies: 1

Hi, Im a bit of a straight shooter, which unfortunately leads to me putting my foot in things to often. I feel it makes me look like I am not Empathethic or that I don't understand. I have struggled with manic depression,anxiety and ptsd snice a youn... View more

Hi, Im a bit of a straight shooter, which unfortunately leads to me putting my foot in things to often. I feel it makes me look like I am not Empathethic or that I don't understand. I have struggled with manic depression,anxiety and ptsd snice a younge teenager. I understand. I feel you. But in order for me to process what's going on when trying to assit others I tend to break the "happenings" down, and address why the brain cause this reaction. Which... sometimes mostly puts my foot in it. I am the only person, a family member feels safe talking to because.. I get it. I also live on the other side of the country, which also makes it hard to really surport fam, espically when we choose to isolate ourselves from technology. Back story, fam suffers from manic depression, anxiety ptsd, grief and a history of drug and alcohol addiction and abuse. Fam is still alcohol depent, but medicated for the mental illness side. After a conversation this evening, fam has mentioned voices inside thier head. Attacking or comments left to ponder made by the voice of friends and family (but they are inside her thoughts) and sometimes these thoughts are made into believable deliousons for fam. It's worrying. I'm concerned. I dont believe she is in the best mental mind frame to go and get herself help. I am over the other side of the country. I cannot reach out to other family, for betraying trust, and the dont feel surpoted with closer family, But then my need to break it down into a maths or chemistry problem in order to gain control of a situation ( one of my very own learned not so healthy coping mechanisms) can also send her on another rabbit hole, and very distressed. 1. How can I sound less "you crazy" and more encouraging?When I am going to suggest fam to revisit mental health care plans, and connect with other services eg D&A, and Truma and grief counciling possible psyc too 2. Why do I always end up the arsehole when trying to break down others walls and not only mine?