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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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kell1497 I'd like some tips on how to help my partner's depression
  • replies: 3

I'd really like some tips from someone about my partner's depression as I never know what to say to make him know that I am supportive of him. We have been together for over a year but I am still unsure about how to communicate with him when he is de... View more

I'd really like some tips from someone about my partner's depression as I never know what to say to make him know that I am supportive of him. We have been together for over a year but I am still unsure about how to communicate with him when he is depressed or anxious because I fear that he will try to push me away or I will smother him. I'm 20 and my partner is 22, he has suffered from depression for about 3 years and is on medication. About 4 months ago we moved to Melbourne together and he had a pretty rough time adjusting but he agreed to see a doctor and he upped his medication to a higher dose, since then his depression had been doing really well. In the last few weeks he has been having a really hard time again. The situation is difficult because he works 6 days a week and almost 12 hour days but he loves his job (he is paid based on commissions so lately hasn't been doing as well as he was when he was feeling better). I, however, work nights almost 6 days a week. We don't see eachother much apart from when I drive him to work of a morning. We were both coping pretty well with the little to no contact thing as we would text and call constantly throughout the day but I was always aware that it might take a toll on his depression. In the last 2 weeks he has been unmotivated, sad, feeling helpless/worthless, can't sleep and he has only now gotten so bad that it was glaringly obvious to me that he is going down hill again. He talks to me about some of the things he is thinking but I know that there are things he doesn't tell me and I understand that he isn't comfortable telling me everything he feels. BUT when he does tell me how he is feeling I never know what to say... this is one thing I would really like to improve on. The only thing I ever do is make sounds to show that I understand ("mmm" or "yeah, I know") and I think that I really need to provide more feedback with him but I'm not sure how to go about it... i know that our work hours must have a large part to do with his bad depression of late but neither of us want to quit our jobs as I am on good money and he loves the environment he works in. Does anyone have any tips that we could use to put him back on track without too much change to our lives? And could anyone educate me on how to be more helpful when he is trying to talk to me about his depression? Thanks in advance

Melb336 Family member w Depression - Income Protection Insurance - 5 months and still no approval
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone, Firstly let me say what a great space this is. I certainly wish that it was available when many years ago I was struggling with depression. Please keep up the good work. I was hoping to seek some assistance / advice from the forum here. ... View more

Hi everyone, Firstly let me say what a great space this is. I certainly wish that it was available when many years ago I was struggling with depression. Please keep up the good work. I was hoping to seek some assistance / advice from the forum here. A family member of mine is going through quite a tough time and has been doing so since late last year. In March this year, they left work in order to look after themselves. I think this was the right decision and we all support that decision. The good news is that with the support of the entire family, they are getting better. But the problem is that since March, this person has had no income (has their own family to support - the rest of our family has been helping in the interim). They had an income protection insurance policy that we all believed would provide some financial support. The claim was submitted in late March with all the necessary supporting documentation from their GP and the insurer's psychiatrist. It is now August, and despite almost daily calls to the insurer, ANZ, the claim has still not been approved (or rejected). The lack of income is now adding to the stress of the situation and I worry that if it goes on for too much longer, then all the great progress that we have made as a family will be undone - all because of the incredibly slow process ANZ is putting us through. As I mentioned, despite daily calls, they always have an excuse. They keep insisting there are no red flags or reasons that they can see that it shouldn't be approved... yet here we are...5 months on and nothing. It has completely defeated the purpose of having such a policy in the first place. I find ANZ's conduct and treatment of my family member disgracefully unconscionable and want to move beyond their internal complaints system - all in the hope to get a resolution! Does anyone have advice as to who best to get in touch with? Is the insurance industry covered by the financial services ombudsmen? Should I contact my local Federal member of Parliament? Who else might be able to help? I am at a bit of a loss because it seems we are floating in a grey area where no one wants to help... Any advice / and or pointers that any of you could provide would be so greatly appreciated. I am genuinely concerned that if this goes on any longer, the stress will simply become too much. Warm regards to you all

Peaches07 I want to help my Dad with his depression, I don't know how to start.
  • replies: 8

Hi there. First timer here. So, I'm an only child to my Dad. He has been in and out of a rocky relationship for 20 years (with my step mum) but it has now ended for good. My dad and I have always had a close relationship and I have throughout the yea... View more

Hi there. First timer here. So, I'm an only child to my Dad. He has been in and out of a rocky relationship for 20 years (with my step mum) but it has now ended for good. My dad and I have always had a close relationship and I have throughout the years been there to pick up the pieces when things have fallen apart. He has suffered depression for a long time and since this last and final break up his depression has gotten worst. Also due to the recent death of a close family member. I listen to him if he needs to talk but I don't know what to say to actually help. He can be very stubborn and won't go for my suggestions of going for a walk to get some fresh air or getting a hobby etc. i hate seeing him this sad. It's like my funny happy Dad is stuck inside a giant coconut shell and I just wanna break him out. hope you can help. cheers

AlliS End of my tether with my parents
  • replies: 2

Hi, let me start off by saying I'm usually very good. Patient and understanding, assertive when I have to be, but as soon as a negative event comes along, my parents lose it. This time they've lost it massively and I am bearing the brunt. My dad is a... View more

Hi, let me start off by saying I'm usually very good. Patient and understanding, assertive when I have to be, but as soon as a negative event comes along, my parents lose it. This time they've lost it massively and I am bearing the brunt. My dad is an angry alcoholic, mum is very depressed. She got a couple of warnings for losing a key at work (3 and you're out, and we know they're trying to cut down on staff so they're looking for any excuse), now dad is screaming about taking them to court snd mum is crying about how no one will want to hire a 50something yo woman with a funny accent. We've been here before. I've given up with my dad, we tried everything. All we can do now is talk him down for a short time. I'm trying harder with mum because I know she's able to listen, but that is seeming less and less the case. I've helped her practically with resumes and pep talks, I've played therapist - encouraged her to get involved in the community, ve physically active, reframed situations. I've encouraged her to get help. Each time there's a reason she can't. "Oh I can't afford it", "Oh I can't express myself properly in English", "Oh what's the point, I'm old and going to die soon anyway". She's not suicidal, I should add. But they both need hand holding. I'm an adult. I have a full time job with a lot of overtime. When I'm home I just want to relax or spend time with friends who aren't miserable.That's not selfish. I could move into a rental but then I'd never buy my own home, and they need a lot of financial support (mum only really gets one day a week and dad's income covers the mortgage and food, so my board is the bills). Dad's screaming stresses me out. Seeing mum on the couch in front of the tv every stresses me out.I need to look after me, but I've been conditioned to feel guilty about that because every time I turn them down they start on what a bad daughter I am. I'm certainly not (but to them, it's only when I behave). I've developed a lot of resentment towards them because of the impact their illnesses have on me, and the fact that they're okay with that. Any advice is welcome. What do I do? If anything.

May_Ocean Partner looking for advice to help
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, I am after some advice on how to help my boyfriend who is suffering from pretty server depression for the first time, and it's really taken him back. He has told me he has been suffering for around 6 months, and isn't sure why he is feel... View more

Hi everyone, I am after some advice on how to help my boyfriend who is suffering from pretty server depression for the first time, and it's really taken him back. He has told me he has been suffering for around 6 months, and isn't sure why he is feeling so sad. He has a good job, is fit and healthy, has a loving family and a long term girlfriend (me). He has asked us to go on a break so he can get his head in the right space, and therefor is not contacting me at all. I don't know how long this will go on for, and really want to help him. Should I try to contact him or give him a few weeks space and wait for him to make contact? It's been a week since I heard from him. Thanks!

littlerainbow At breaking point..
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. My husband has depression, anxiety and is also a functioning alcoholic - all things he is working hard at to overcome but the cycle keeps repeating. He has a demanding job and is away frequently. As soon as something difficult happens he... View more

Hi everyone. My husband has depression, anxiety and is also a functioning alcoholic - all things he is working hard at to overcome but the cycle keeps repeating. He has a demanding job and is away frequently. As soon as something difficult happens he turns straight to alcohol. In turn this affects his headspace for days and increases anxiety. I get upset and he gets angry with me for expressing my frustration. I feel I am trapped in a cycle and I don't know if it will ever change. He is seeing a psychologist and doesn't drink much at home, usually when away for work. His behaviour becomes self destructive and I am worried I'm going to be left with no choice but to leave - I feel I have to accept my limitations. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions around what he could do instead of drinking when he has a bad day? He used to do weights every day and is half-heartedly trying to get back into it...I'm after some coping strategies. He refuses to go to AA. please help, any advice would be appreciated.

Summerlove Partner with severe anxiety
  • replies: 5

Hi all, My fiancé and I have been together for 5.5 years and are getting within 10 months. During this time, we have had ups and downs but recently it just got worse. We have a lot of fights, even on holiday. Uncertainties about the future with no se... View more

Hi all, My fiancé and I have been together for 5.5 years and are getting within 10 months. During this time, we have had ups and downs but recently it just got worse. We have a lot of fights, even on holiday. Uncertainties about the future with no secure jobs for both of us stresses a hell of a lot out of me My fiancé has anxiety but not all the time. Every now and then it will attack him and make him very stressed about minor things which I understand and have been trying very hard to be there for him. So we just came back for 3 weeks holiday overseas. I thought it would help freshen our relationship but my fiancé had an anxiety attack at the end of the trip. He couldn't sleep and would wake up in tears. I felt for him so much but I didn't know what to do apart from crying with him and be there for him which he told me that was all he needed. It's been over 2 weeks now, we've been to the doctor and he will be seeing a psychiatrist next week as he seems to have post-traumatic stress from the last time when he had an asthma attack which nearly killed him and I was there. I love him so much but as the episode starts to get longer, I don't know how strong I can be there for him. I keep doubting myself that one day, when it gets too much I could leave him. He said I have done a great job and couldn't ask for more but the thought that I have to deal with this for the rest of my life scares me. Am I selfish? Does that mean I don't love him enough?

Riesen My aggressive, bipolar partner.
  • replies: 3

My partner of thirty years is not normally aggressive, but every now and then he gets a bee in his bonnet about someone, or something. Currently it is our new neighbours. They used to be noisy, but have changed. Today he thought he heard one of them ... View more

My partner of thirty years is not normally aggressive, but every now and then he gets a bee in his bonnet about someone, or something. Currently it is our new neighbours. They used to be noisy, but have changed. Today he thought he heard one of them wolf whistle him as an insult. Normally I can talk him out of saying anything, but this afternoon he walked out of the room while I was working, and "confronted" the wife of our neighbour. I rushed over, and got him home. She's fine, but it's really like dealing with two people. One says it won't happen again, three seconds later it's "if they do anything to me....." We're not due at the psychiatrist for another week. Is there anyway I can get through to Mr Angry?

Mumma4 Tell me it gets better
  • replies: 11

Hi there, I've been with my husband for nearly 20years, married for nearly 8years. Long story short my husband has always been up and down with his moods, has been a spontaneous spender, has been a big drinker, and had an addictive personality. After... View more

Hi there, I've been with my husband for nearly 20years, married for nearly 8years. Long story short my husband has always been up and down with his moods, has been a spontaneous spender, has been a big drinker, and had an addictive personality. After things getting really really bad earlier this year, he finally got referred to a psychiatrist who has initially diagnosed him with bi-polar. But he had been previously put on two types of drugs to help with his back injury that have in turn been making his bi-polar symptoms worse. So it has taken a month or so to get off one of these anti-depressant meds before steps can be taken to treat the actual bi-polar. During this time his moods are even more up and down, and now he has come off the anti-depressants he has more emotion back - including frustration and anger. He has a short fuse at the moment so it feels like it is just another issue to add to the long list. Almost every day I am in tears from despair of what to do and how to help him, from financial stress due to me having to work three jobs (while looking after 3 children under the age of 7) due to him either not being able to work, or not being able to invoice the work he does (he is self-employed), from trying to come to terms that I am not going to have the married and family life I had always thought I would - the list goes on and on. I feel so overwhelmed by it all - and am really scared that even once he starts getting treatment for the bi-polar, that things are not going to get much better. Do I want to leave and try to provide my children a more stable upbringing? Do I leave now and do this? I really don't want to - I love my husband (whoever he is now) and I know the children love their dad (when he is well), I just am really struggling as to what the future holds. I don't think I can cope if it stays like this. So, for those that have been with their spouse or defacto etc before being diagnosed and then also after. Does it get better? Will our life ever be like a 'normal' happy family? Thanks for reading

J151 Husband recently diagnosed with depression. I'm struggling.
  • replies: 1

Hi guys I'm new here. I just need to vent to people who may understand my situation. Just in the last week I have had my life flipped upside down and shaken. My husband has been diagnosed with depression. Leading up to the diagnosis he was pulling aw... View more

Hi guys I'm new here. I just need to vent to people who may understand my situation. Just in the last week I have had my life flipped upside down and shaken. My husband has been diagnosed with depression. Leading up to the diagnosis he was pulling away from me, barely sleeping, Spending a lot of time alone, Thinking. He told me he wasn't happy when he was at home with me and our son. He said he felt like a stranger in our home. And he was happier when he was on his own. So the week unraveled pretty rapidly. In a matter of days he was sleeping on the lounge-to going to his father to stay for a few days, told me he wasn't I love with me anymore and then I found messages to another woman- all the time he was spending alone, he was actually confiding in a female work college he barely knows. At first when I asked him to see a doctor he refused but eventually decided to go and he was diagnosed with depression. He is now taking antidepressants and sleeping tablets. And is back at work. We are living together but separately so he can still see our son everyday. He seems to be ok for the most part (Better then he was a week ago). But I am falling apart. I'm struggling not having him as my husband. The no affection. The loneliness. He has told me he wants to give the medication and counseling a chance to work before he decides anything about us but he has told me he wants things to go back to the way they were a few weeks/months ago. Then he has also told me at the moment he doesn't want to be 'husband and wife'. I just don't know how to help him get back to that. I desperately miss him. But don't want to push him away any further. my need to 'help him' takes over. I know my approach has been all wrong but I just feel so helpless, panicked. I don't know what to do from here.