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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Laneypen How do you determine if behaviour caused by depression
  • replies: 2

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 years. A year and a half ago a relative of his became ill and he moved to the UK to care for him. During this time he has developed depression and anxiety. He has returned to Australia to see a do... View more

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 years. A year and a half ago a relative of his became ill and he moved to the UK to care for him. During this time he has developed depression and anxiety. He has returned to Australia to see a doctor but doesn’t want to take the medication that they have prescribed. I have been very unhappy since he left as I never agreed or wanted to have a log distance relationship and he has never asked how I felt about it or considered my feelings or our life together. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way because he has a lot to deal with. He has been home for 3 days and is struggling. He doesn’t tell me how he is feeling and uses drinking to cope. I’ve spent the whole time he’s been here trying to support him and helping him get settled. Since His return was quite last minute, I had tickets to go out last night with some friends. I asked him if he would like me to stay home with him instead and he repeatedly told me no, until I was about to go and he messaged me saying that he couldn’t believe that I would go out when I knew he was struggling (with a few swear words and names included). Since I wanted to support him I left and spent the night with him. Since then he has been distant and told me that all I do is belittle him (I think because I have encouraged him to take his medication), that he is happier in England and that all I do is make everything about me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t really have a relationship with him anymore, I’ve been really unhappy in this relationship with him living overseas and since he has come back things are even worse. I don’t know if I can deal with it, I am so unhappy. I feel as if I haven’t received anything from this relationship in almost 2 years. Is this because of his depression? Will things ever get better? Am I being unreasonable? Or is staying in this relationship a lost cause? It’s just really hard because this is a complicated situation. He tells me that when he is distant or explodes it is because of his depression, yet he doesn’t apologise or try to be in this relationship with me. Is this true? How do you tell what is him and what is his mental illness? Sorry for the rant.

Pixie83 Depression and Alcoholism - how do we get through this?
  • replies: 12

Hi all, my partner of nearly 10 years and father of our 2 girls (5 & 3) has suffered with depression his whole life, he is medicated, but the last 20 years or so he's had ups and downs with alcohol. The last few years in particular have been really b... View more

Hi all, my partner of nearly 10 years and father of our 2 girls (5 & 3) has suffered with depression his whole life, he is medicated, but the last 20 years or so he's had ups and downs with alcohol. The last few years in particular have been really bad. He's currently in hospital after having had a complete flip out at me on Thursday night, not the first time this has happened....but the first time he's been in this long and the last time I can deal with it. He admitted to the doc on Friday morning that he was drinking more than 15 standard drinks a day, more than even I thought....and yet talking to him today - he still doesn't want to stop drinking (he's telling the docs what they want to hear and saying something different to me, I had a long chat with the doc tonight about this). He's trying to equate his 'vice' of drinking to my 'vice' of eating chocolate...... He seems to think he just needs to cut back and he'll still be able to drink and everything will be hunky dory. We've tried that, it doesn't work, he has no self control whatsoever (even with things like chocolate or ice cream if they're in the house). The doc was going to send him home on Friday, I said no and argued for him to stay in. The doc ended up agreeing if he was ok with that, thankfully he was because it took me all day to retrieve the car from where he'd got it stuck (and then walked over 12km to the hospital). This morning he said he didn't think he should come home (big relief for me), and thankfully they still had a bed for him. After the chat with the doc (different one to the Friday one) tonight, she and I agreed he couldn't come home tomorrow - partly because we don't think he'd cope with the girls as they're very full on, partly because he's already started detoxing from the alcohol now and can't continue doing that at home, partly because I said I wouldn't cope. I'm feeling stretched thin, our eldest has additional needs as well (it's nearly a full time job just organising all of her appointments etc), and I'm stressed about finances - with him not working we have no income....and at the moment I honestly can't see when he'll be able to get back to work, never mind get back home.... I hope all of that makes some sort of sense. Thank you for having me here.

Janep My husband suffers depression - I’m exhausted dealing with this alone
  • replies: 2

Mood swings, shutting down, belittling me and made to feel I’m never good enough. I try to be strong, but each day is a battle. I don’t understand what his triggers are and he can’t tell me. Yesterday he stayed in bed all day. He’d been crying. I don... View more

Mood swings, shutting down, belittling me and made to feel I’m never good enough. I try to be strong, but each day is a battle. I don’t understand what his triggers are and he can’t tell me. Yesterday he stayed in bed all day. He’d been crying. I don’t know why or how to help him. He is on antidepressants, but do they really work? I’m so confused and feel very sad and alone. He doesn’t talk to me about it. Not sure if anyone here can help me, but partners of people with depression need support too! I know I do.

Lauren00 Hi I’m a newbie and have a question as a concerned friend of someone taking antidepressants
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone I’m new here and in need of some advice. I recently broke up from an eighth month relationship with a guy who is on antidepressants and anxiety medication and I was just posting here because I’m concerned about how he will be long term li... View more

Hi everyone I’m new here and in need of some advice. I recently broke up from an eighth month relationship with a guy who is on antidepressants and anxiety medication and I was just posting here because I’m concerned about how he will be long term living on them. We are still really good friends and his well-being is still a concern for me. We have both 16 as well. So the other night he informed me that at his last doctors appointment they had upped his dosage and that has caused him to not feel anything and that is the main reason why he broke up with me. But that’s not what bothers me. I’m just more worried that he believes he will live the rest of his life on this medication and thinks that’s a fine way to live. But I’m just concerned that it is making him feel nothing and that as time goes by he’ll become used to the medication and will need more to have the same effect and because he’s already on a high dosage I’m scared as to what sort effects could occur? So I was just wondering what are the long term effects of taking anti depressants for a long time? And also should I discuss my concerns with him? Thank you guys in advance.

N- I need help - partner has depression and anxiety
  • replies: 2

My partner has depression and anxiety. I love him to pieces and I know we are meant for each other. He is the best guy I know but his anxiety gets the best of him a lot. We both live with my parents at the moment and are trying to save to get our own... View more

My partner has depression and anxiety. I love him to pieces and I know we are meant for each other. He is the best guy I know but his anxiety gets the best of him a lot. We both live with my parents at the moment and are trying to save to get our own place. I’m finding it super hard lately to be strong for him when all he seems to want is to get out of this house, but we can’t afford it yet. He also suffers from social anxiety in a bad way. And my family has always been entertainers. Now we haven’t had a lot of people around but when we do he traps himself in our room, then complains he can’t leave for anything. He can’t go downstairs he can’t leave the house, all just because my parents have guests. I try to suggest leaving completely doing our own thing, I’ve tried to get him to overcome it and meet people l, but I never force him to. I don’t know what to do to help him he just gets angry and we fight. I try and be there for him I really have for a while now. I am just getting scared. If he can’t deal with 2 extra people in the house for one night. How can I build a whole future with him. I don’t want to loose him. I fear he is going to shut down and shut me out and ruin us. And he won’t realise until it’s to late. I will stand by his side no matter what but I’m afraid he is going to push me away. I just want to be happy together.

coco821 parenting teenagers with depression, anxiety
  • replies: 3

My 16 year old daughter has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, she is on anti-depressants and is seeing a good psychologist. I was wanting to hear from other parents in similar situations, especially with regard to how their illness affects ... View more

My 16 year old daughter has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, she is on anti-depressants and is seeing a good psychologist. I was wanting to hear from other parents in similar situations, especially with regard to how their illness affects the way you discipline and enforce boundaries. Because of her social anxiety, I have stopped grounding as a punishment (so she can maximise every opportunity to socialise). I will on occasion remove her phone for short periods. Also I am very very conscious of being too harsh with discipline as she already feels the world is against her, struggles with self-esteem and self-image. She has also self-harmed on a couple of occasions when she isn't coping. I am so worried that by "going easy" on her I am letting her down in terms of real life preparation. For example, school grades have plummetted and I have been advised not to focus on school work or study too much, particularly when she is feeling low. Psych has also recommended we see a pyschiatrist, even though she also says DD is 'doing well' and trying very hard in terms of putting strategies in place. (Though I don't see much of this at home!) I would love to hear from any other parents.

Anthony2060 Supporting a partner with anxiety and anger
  • replies: 1

Hello all, i wanted to see if anyone can offer advice and help for me. My fiancée suffers with anxiety and worries about everything all the time. She can become very irritable and angry and tends to take this out on me verbally. She becomes anxious f... View more

Hello all, i wanted to see if anyone can offer advice and help for me. My fiancée suffers with anxiety and worries about everything all the time. She can become very irritable and angry and tends to take this out on me verbally. She becomes anxious first, then it turns to anger. i try my best to diffuse the anxiety when it starts but more often than not it’s hard to stop. She has just started to go see a counsellor once a week. They have been good for her but she isn’t doing the exercises they give her to try and understand the anxiety and what might trigger it. I would like to know of any tips of dealing with this and any ways I can find to help nudge her in the right direction. We moved over from the UK a few years ago and we don’t have a large support network and I am on my own dealing with this. any help would be amazing thanks

Jonesy Bipolar hubby left... Im lost
  • replies: 3

Hi, This is the first time I have ever posted on here but im desperate. me and my hubby had been together for nearly 8 years we had our ups and downs like any couple, he is bipolar was diagnosed when he was young so had it most of his life and before... View more

Hi, This is the first time I have ever posted on here but im desperate. me and my hubby had been together for nearly 8 years we had our ups and downs like any couple, he is bipolar was diagnosed when he was young so had it most of his life and before I met him. He was always pretty stable always took his meds and I have no reason to believe his not now. Our marriage has endured alot of stress, I became depressed which probably set him off and I now think he is having a big depressive episode. About 3 weeks ago he said he needed to get away have time to himself and that I would be better off without him, im not. a week later he said he was leaving me, but wouldnt really discuss or go into details, I want to fix our marriage and go to counselling which he agreed on and I hope he does come with me, but he said he doesnt want to fix it, his not living here although he hasnt moved anything out. He just left I am stuck with all responsibilities we dont have kids. this is out of character for him, he wont have any contact with me and i'll admitt I tried in the first couple weeks which probably made me look sad and desperate. I dont know what to do and all I want is to have him back home. I think he is all over the place and not seeing things clearly, its tearing me apart. Is there a chance he will come back is there a way I can reassure him im here for him, I am working on myself and becoming stronger so I can be there for him, but I dont know if he believes me. and I cant talk to him or see him anyway. he has pushed me away, his family wont talk to me either. his so stubbon, i hate not being able to contact him or see him and he wont contact me. Thanks for any help or advice

mk1908 I love my partner, but his depression is tearing us apart.
  • replies: 3

It hurts me to be writing this, but I need a safe space that I can express what I am feeling. I have been with my fiancé for two and a half years, engaged for 10 months. I have known of his struggles with depression for the entirety of our relationsh... View more

It hurts me to be writing this, but I need a safe space that I can express what I am feeling. I have been with my fiancé for two and a half years, engaged for 10 months. I have known of his struggles with depression for the entirety of our relationship. He witnessed a lot of domestic violence as a child, and has a lot of anxiety and self esteem issues as a result. I have also had my own struggles with anxiety and post traumatic stress, but with a combination of medication and intense counselling, I have overcome a lot of these issues. I love my fiancé more than anything in the world, but as time is going on, I question if I am helping, or enabling his depression. In recent months, he has spiralled downhill. He has become very negative, withdrawn and has no motivation for life at all. He is on medication, and sees a counsellor, but his behaviour doesn't change. He calls in sick for work regularly and is happy to sit and play computer games all day, not shower and just be dragged through life. He doesn't help out around the house, is very forgetful and it is really driving a wedge between us. I work full time, and as he is casual in a lot of cases my income supports us both, and then run the entire house, because I don't want to add any pressure on him. I know he is trying, but at times it feels like he just takes advantage of me, and I begin to wonder if I am enabling him. Financial instability is a major anxiety trigger for me, and I feel like he disregards it. The reality is, if I wasn't there to pay the bills, and look after everything, he would have been homeless and god knows where a long time ago. As much as it pains me to say, I have considered leaving him. I love him dearly, but I don't think he sees the pressure that this is putting on me, and in so many cases gets upset because he feels like I am making his mental health about me. I feel like I am barely holding it together, and wonder if I am doing myself more harm than good in this relationship, but I genuinely fear what would happen to him if I was to walk away. At this point in my life I imagined travelling the world with him, enjoying my life, planning our wedding and thinking about our future, and instead, I am barely making ends meet and feel like I'm being driven into the ground. I so want to see a light at the end of this tunnel, but it has felt like we continuously go one step forward, and five steps back. Does this cycle ever end?

ForeignWife Husband with bipolar and recently identified Aspergers
  • replies: 1

Hello I am pretty new to all of this and it’s a pretty complex issue. My husband has had bipolar long before he met me. We are both bisexual. We are in a polyamorous marriage as the openess suits us, particularly when he is having an episode and goin... View more

Hello I am pretty new to all of this and it’s a pretty complex issue. My husband has had bipolar long before he met me. We are both bisexual. We are in a polyamorous marriage as the openess suits us, particularly when he is having an episode and going to strippers, meeting men, seeing women, etc. He has just gotten a new high pressure job. And a couple of weeks ago his doctor suggested he may have some degree of Aspergers. Since starting this new job he has had two nights heavy drinking and doing drugs. I was with him but it’s too much. He comes down very hard and is not good when tired, let alone hung over!! He is far more aggressive and snappy with my than usual. I can’t say anything right and he picks arguments over any little thing. I’m not from here (I’m from UK) so have no close friends or family to rely on. I did have a good relationship with his Mum but he has sabotaged that with some hurtful comments during an argument. I feel even more iscolated. And unwanted. We haven’t been intimate in a while but he is perusing other people. And that obviously upsets me but it gets turned back on me. Like everything else. I’m lying here now, feeling upset. And I really don’t know how to find the right support. I went to see a counseller on my own mental health plan to try and deal with this and feel supported myself but I really did not gel with her and found her quite irritating. This is a long term thing I know. For my whole life. Has anyone got any advice for getting through these difficult periods?