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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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dancingheart Is depression the reason he is pushing me away
  • replies: 6

Help. Dating a guy for several months. He was open and explained trust issues and confided his ex bullied him and since separation has prevented him from seeing his children. During this early discussion I told him I know it won't be easy, but I care... View more

Help. Dating a guy for several months. He was open and explained trust issues and confided his ex bullied him and since separation has prevented him from seeing his children. During this early discussion I told him I know it won't be easy, but I care about him and I'm here. Since the beginning I can see its undeniably heartbreaking for him, previously we talked about it and we told each other we care and had a great relationship. Following a very recent court date recently (which resulted in him not seeing his kids for another reasonable amount of time) I've noticed changes in him and I've been deeply concerned. Ranging from lack of interest in things he enjoys, intimacy, withdrawing from friends/family/me, irritable, change of appetite, insomnia and difficulty getting out of bed. He told me on a number of occasions he is not himself, doesn't care/feel anything anymore, doesn't know the answers and is numb. Unfortunately I didn't recognise all of these signs at once, and I thought I had done something wrong and blamed myself. I felt hurt and uncertain After I spoke to a friend and (without diagnosis) she helped me to see what i deep down knew, he isn't just sad, he maybe affected by depression during this hard time. He opened up last night and I'm glad he trusted me to do so, it was very brave of him. He told me he doesn't know the answers, who he is and if he doesn't want to be around him why should anyone else. He said work, the situation, friends, family me is just "pressure" and he can't even look after himself. He said he i shutting off from me and the the world. But he loves spending time with me and everything about me. I told him his important to me and I'm not going anywhere, to which he responds I don't want to hurt anyone, or put you through my shit its not fair on you. When I would say if you need space he would respond but i care about you and you have been really supportive i just don't know if i can give you what you want... even though i told him all i want is to be here for you now. This went backwards and forwards and it felt to me like he was conflicted? I am willing to stay learn how do be with someone going through this. I've done a lot of reading but its good to hear from other people supporting someone they care about going through depression. Is this pushing away behaviour normal? is it a reflection of his depression or is he really trying to tell me he needs space? ... what have you done in this situation? Thanks

EsmeEsme 8yr old with anxiety
  • replies: 8

My daughter is having some anxiety ATM, she is being bullied by a few of her classmates. I also found 'I hate myself' carved/written on her bed frame. Has any other mums experienced this? I'm a bit lost what to do.

My daughter is having some anxiety ATM, she is being bullied by a few of her classmates. I also found 'I hate myself' carved/written on her bed frame. Has any other mums experienced this? I'm a bit lost what to do.

Lacklustre Deflated and lost- Supporting my partner with Borderline personality, depression, anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I have been struggling for the past several months to a year as being a carer/support/codependent(?) To my partner who suffers from fairly severe depression and anxiety. This year my partner was diagnosed w PTSD and Borderline Personalit... View more

Hi everyone, I have been struggling for the past several months to a year as being a carer/support/codependent(?) To my partner who suffers from fairly severe depression and anxiety. This year my partner was diagnosed w PTSD and Borderline Personality disorder. The symptoms almost perfectly match. Since we've begun dating ive gone through numerous cycles of open hearted compassion wanting to throw my all into sticking by ny partner and then disappointment/disillusionment when right after i think theyve made progress, they relapse/progress comes to a screeching halt. Through these cycles, ive done a lot of research online and learnt a great deal about my partners condition. Although i know that their behaviours are due to their mental illness, not a choice, it is a difficult pill to swallow. Most recently, drug addiction has been a sore point in our relationship. I am financially providing for us, and being helpless caught between not relieving my partner of the struggles in their head through pot and being the enabler that continues to pay for it is very difficult (i always give in). Furthermore, my partner's promiscuity (a symptom of BPD) is throwing my mind around like a washing machine. they have had many many sexual partners prior to our relationship and recently told me of desires to sleep with some friends that they know. Thankfully our relationship has thus far been completely loyal, but we have had open discussions where my partner admits to having these tendencies. I am by nature a skeptical person, so this has been eating me up inside. My partner has promised not to sleep w a close friend, but i know they text often and catch up face to face regularly. As much as i absolutely love this person and want to fight for our relationship, i have been finding myself feeling very very down about our current state of affairs. I can't socialise w friends nearly as much as i used to or go out with my partner (we spend most weekends indoors due to depression, anxiety, breakdowns). I know this might sound super selfish but i feel 95% of my time outside of my job is dedicated to "being there" for my partner, unable to do anything. I appreciate the complexities of healing from mental illnesses and the pace of progress is often 1step forward, 2 steps back. I just wanted to get some other people's perspective on establishing limits/how to keep yourself sane. Im extremely deflated, lost and feel alone in my role as the carer.

just_me1 How do I help?
  • replies: 5

My sibling has been battling with depression for as long as I can remember. They have made attempts on their life before but none quite as bad as the most recent. This has had them put into a mental health ward which I am sure is scary but hopefully ... View more

My sibling has been battling with depression for as long as I can remember. They have made attempts on their life before but none quite as bad as the most recent. This has had them put into a mental health ward which I am sure is scary but hopefully is doing a world of good. I am so scared that when they get out they will attempt again and succeed. After this attempt they told me that it was their time to go because they were tired of battling. They not seem more positive however I don't know if this is just a face to get out of the ward. I haven't been able to sleep, I cant turn my mind off and my whole body aches with the thought that they may not be here in the future. How do I help? How do I show them how much they mean to the world? How do I not lay awake at night praying for the phone not to ring with dreadful news?

Solique Secondhand Sufferer
  • replies: 5

2,500 words is simply not enough to illustrate the year I’ve had this year. Now 2,425 - but I’ll try my best. July 22, 2017 my “ordinary” day to day life had been stirred. My partner and my brother were assaulted. My brother sustained serious injurie... View more

2,500 words is simply not enough to illustrate the year I’ve had this year. Now 2,425 - but I’ll try my best. July 22, 2017 my “ordinary” day to day life had been stirred. My partner and my brother were assaulted. My brother sustained serious injuries, meanwhile my partner was left unconscious with a brain haemorrhage. I thank luck every day they’re still alive today. August 9, 2017, my life this time had been turned completely upside down. My partner lost his dad suddenly without warning. The night before, we lost our first pet together. Also without warning. That was the day I lost my partner too, to depression, anxiety and PTSD. It was also the day I lost myself too. Before the 22nd of July, I was (and unfortunately still am) a sufferer of depression and anxiety. After the 22nd July, as mentioned previously, I became a secondhand sufferer and I don’t know if I can do it anymore. My partner had been for a long time my only life support and now I am alone - he isn’t “himself” anymore. He’s not the person I fell in love with. And I get it. Mental illnesses can unshape you and change you. I’ve suffered with trauma myself and it changed me too. I didn’t want to be alone anymore so I contacted my therapist and am now waiting to see them in January, but right now, I’m in a lot of pain. I am taking on not only my world of daily struggles, but his too. What hurts the most is, he fails to understand how this has affected me too and whenever I try to sit and down and maturely explain how this has affected me, he says I don’t understand what he’s been through. But I do. I really do. I’m an empty vending machine. I’ve given all I had until I had nothing left to give and there is no one to restock me because the only person who knew how to, is not the person I once knew. The miracle question people often ask is: if you could wave a magic wand and wish upon a magic star, what would you wish for? I would wish for my life back. To make this suffering go away for the both of us. For all of us. How do I feel right now? Numb. Barely alive. 398 words to go and I have reread my thread over and over again. There is so much I want to add, but the truth is, even if I had 1,000 more words, I don’t have any left in me. I hope this is clear enough for everyone to read and I apologise if it’s not. But nonetheless, thank you for taking time out of your day to stop by and allow me to vent. Helpful advice is always welcome.

AngusBob At what point is it ok to feel how I do? *Trigger Warning:Family Violence and Sexual Assault*
  • replies: 10

Long story, and I shall try to simplify. Current 20 year old daughter with substance abuse issues. Drug use began 4 years ago. Building psychosis for those last 4 years, with the crescendo of psychosis for the past year. In that time, she has abused ... View more

Long story, and I shall try to simplify. Current 20 year old daughter with substance abuse issues. Drug use began 4 years ago. Building psychosis for those last 4 years, with the crescendo of psychosis for the past year. In that time, she has abused me, put holes in walls, crashed her car, got into huge debt, got me into debt, threatened me physically, wanted to kill people ect ect. I had to take her to the hospital where she was admitted to the psychiatric ward with the diagnosis of drug induced psychosis. Not easy things for parents to go through. The biggest reason that I allowed her treatment of me to go as far as it did, was guilt. I carried an enormous amount of guilt of what the then 9 year old heard in court due her brother's sexual assault court case. At the time, the police investigation and court case takes a toll of everybody and she had a lot of viral tonsillitis at the time. So after several stays in the psych ward, she began to feel good in herself and then used drugs again with an instant psychotic result. This moment cut the cord of guilt that I had and has been replaced by resentment, anger, hostility and antagonism towards her. I told her that I didn't want to see her for a long time until I could work through my issues. She however, got a big fright about that and encouraged her headspace caseworker to initiate family counselling. I know her worker is all about my daughter, as she should be, but she keeps telling me how unwell my daughter is and they are still getting her medication right and that I should be more patient with her. But at what point is it ok for me to say "hang on, what she did to me was bad and I am struggling with it". Beginning to feel as though I should just lay down and be a doormat to anybody who wants to wipe their muddy feet on me and that I am expected to just suck up the 4 years of hell and move on as though no psychological damage has been done. Just over it and right now don't know which way to go in my own thinking. Part of me knows that what she has put me through has been horrific, but the other part thinks that I should find a way to forgive her for her poor behaviour as my feelings in this situation just don't matter.

Tomsan Anxiety management for highly sensitive person
  • replies: 3

I believe a friend has qualities of highly sensitive person. Please google to know what is highly sensitive person. Often she is in situation that leads to anxiety but I don't believe she has anxiety disorder. Her anxiety is rare to be classified as ... View more

I believe a friend has qualities of highly sensitive person. Please google to know what is highly sensitive person. Often she is in situation that leads to anxiety but I don't believe she has anxiety disorder. Her anxiety is rare to be classified as disorder but when she is anxious it has profound physical symptoms. For example tummy upset, extreme fatigue and rarely headache. The symptoms stops her from working and that can further escalate anxiety. My question is is there a medication that is fast acting she can take on need basis to reduce anxiety and/or reduce the physical symptoms. If you know someone in similar situation and can share which medication has helped. I will ask her to consult doctor for it. Thanks, Tomsan

Pizzamum Partner is stressed and depressed and I’m struggling to help
  • replies: 2

Hello all, My partner of 6.5 years and father of our 2 young kids has been struggling for the last few months or more. He has depressive tendancies every now and again but recently they seem to be more often than not. Our entire relationship has had ... View more

Hello all, My partner of 6.5 years and father of our 2 young kids has been struggling for the last few months or more. He has depressive tendancies every now and again but recently they seem to be more often than not. Our entire relationship has had periods of him feeling low but they don’t usually last as long as they have recently. He is struggling to relax and see the good in his life. He (late 30’s) feels the weight of the world on his shoulders with work, diy and home maintenance, our two young kids, supporting us all, etc. and is quick to lose patience, get irritated, react badly etc; typical stress symptoms. He seeems very unhappy, and has always been rather pessimistic and negative, and can’t see all the good in his life. I try to help; I talk to him, take things off his list of jobs and do them myself and bring him little gifts I think will cheer him up. Nothing seems to help, and being very reluctant to open up and talk to me, I fear I’m only scratching the surface. I’m at a point where this is so negatively impacting our relationship that I am disengaging, and not being the supportive partner I should be. For years now, he can put me down with his words, he can be sarcastic and belittling, and very snarky or aggressive (only verbally) towards me. When I tell him that upsets me he says I overreact, and that he can’t relax because I’ll take what he says too seriously. His personality and our relationship can be quite sarcastic and jokey, but I feel like it’s all negative and belittling towards me these days, or short and snappy when I talk to him. The fun, humour and silliness has gone. I honestly feel like he resents me, like he doesn’t like me or respect me or want to be with me. We rarely spend quality time together and he seems very content with this. I feel isolated and unloved. So I’m trying to support him, but, and please no judgement, my care factor is pretty low. I feel like I should be better, more loving, but I struggle to even give him a hug these days. It’s eating away at our relationship and I feel like it’s close to breaking point. I’ve suggested counselling, both together or individually, I’ve suggested he take time off work to regroup, but he isn’t willing to do either and I don’t know how to help him now. How do I support him when I feel so low too? I’m questioning whether all of this is because of his depression and stress or really just a dysfunctional relationship causing his depression and stress. I’m lost. Any advice?

AlexH How to help manic friend?
  • replies: 3

Hi, so. I have a friend who I've known for about two years now, and with whom I've become very close. I've known she had struggled with depression for a long time (and I myself have had issues with it and anxiety as well), but a couple of weeks ago s... View more

Hi, so. I have a friend who I've known for about two years now, and with whom I've become very close. I've known she had struggled with depression for a long time (and I myself have had issues with it and anxiety as well), but a couple of weeks ago she started saying she was feeling a lot better and a lot more confident in herself which was really good!! But, over the last week that seems to have evolved in to full on mania. When she first said she was barely sleeping because she understood everything and wanted to talk to everyone (she was writing a lot of very long tumblr posts), after also spending a lot of money on an anime figure she'd previously not been interested in getting, I said half-seriously that she sounded manic, and she kind of laughed, but then said 'Actually, now I'm really worried I am bipolar... I have a family history of it. I better be careful, since I just bought that figure and spending money is part of it...' But since then it's gotten way worse. Yesterday, all day, she blew up my phone ranting about all these things she now Knew about the world, because she was 'enlightened', giving all kinds of weird ideas I'd never heard from her before. One seemed to be something about how men and women are entirely different... And this relates to race as well in a complicated way... I told her when I was concerned about what she was saying, but also tried to support her. But, on Tuesday (so four days from now) she'll be coming over to my house from 1 until after dinner, which we do now and then. I was already concerned about that - I get overwhelmed really easily and tend to be really tired after all that even when she's mellow. But just now she called me telling me she'd email me something I should send to my friend? And she'd immediately decide to come on Tuesday too? And shed would talk to me and my mum in private, and then to my dad, and we'd all understand something 'only she can tell us' and I'd... receive the love I always wanted? (Not sure.) I told her she sounded really manic and maybe this wasn't the time for drastic action (she was also intent on us talking to a recent ex-friend of hers who had been really shitty to tell them why they were a 'really damaged person', which I refused), but she only laughed and said she'd be able to convince me on Tuesday... I'm not sure what to do I feel anxious, but I don't know if I could cancel.. And she was invited to another party next Saturday... I want to do right here but don't know how...

Only_me How to get him to open up.
  • replies: 1

Long story short, my husband has his own business, we have 2 teenage girls, our fighting about stupid things has left me to move out. ( he told me to get out).He has had money problems in the business because he is not good with money but wont let me... View more

Long story short, my husband has his own business, we have 2 teenage girls, our fighting about stupid things has left me to move out. ( he told me to get out).He has had money problems in the business because he is not good with money but wont let me help him. There has been a gambling problem as well because he felt rock bottom im guessing. Teenage kids dont do anything to help at home so thats adding to the pressure but im always the bad person trying to help everyone and keep it together. I idolise him but he has let me down too, he wont get help to help with finances and i asked a few months ago about marrige counselling but that was a no. At the moment he has completely ceased communication with me, i think the money issues are big and he is too embarrassed to admit it openly completly. You cant fix it if you dont get it out in the open. I truely love my family but they dont even care that im moving out. Close family members to both of us say this is what they all need.... a reality check but my heart is ripped in pieces, any advice on trying to communicate with him( maybe he is depressed). To help him, i know i have to leave.