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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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desperatewife84 At my wits end- depressed husband keeps skipping work
  • replies: 2

Hi all, Hoping to get some perspective and advice because I don't know what to do. We've been married for three years and together for six. We have a two year old child and another due in March. My husband is incredibly smart and funny and everyone a... View more

Hi all, Hoping to get some perspective and advice because I don't know what to do. We've been married for three years and together for six. We have a two year old child and another due in March. My husband is incredibly smart and funny and everyone adores him. He has a bit of a rough past - his family was never really supportive and he had to fend for himself from a young age. Since we started dating, he hasn't really been able to hold down a job long term. He either gets bored or finds something better. On one occasion he was fired. He started a new job in early 2017 and everything was great. He enjoyed it and worked incredibly hard to do well. In September/October, he had a period of around three weeks where he worked without a day off. He finished that stretch with a massive night of drinking (something he does semi regularly) and hasn't been back to work since. It started as sick leave for his hangover, then turned into just needing time off. A few weeks in, he tells me he has depression and anxiety and that's why he hasn't been working. Admittedly I didn't know how to cope with this information. He was still cooking and cleaning (I know, I'm lucky!) and socialising regularly and seeing friends. He has continued to drink often but exercises regularly. On the outside, it appears that everything is ok. He started antidepressants but stopped them a week later. He has a referral to see a counselor but won't go because of the cost. Our finances are suffering. I'm in a very stable, well-paid job but we've had to take loans to cover rent and Christmas. The loans are all in my name because his credit is so bad. I'm furious that he spent a lot of the money on drinking and gambling with friends. He was supposed to start fresh at work this morning but he didn't go. He now owes his work money (he was overpaid because he didn't show up) and I don't know how we'll pay rent next month. He keeps promising things and calling me insensitive when I try to help or get annoyed with him. He says I just need to be there and not criticize him but i find it so hard to be passive when he's destroying everything. I try to stay calm but I also have to be logical and responsible. I'm on the verge of leaving because I can't rely on him for anything and I feel like a monster for considering it. Can anyone offer advice or perspective on this? I am an anxious person and have a very stressful job. I'm really worried about our child and unborn baby and hate that I can't do anything.

M_elly Supporting my mum with depression
  • replies: 3

My mum has struggled with depression and anxiety in various severity for at least 15 years (probably longer but I would have been younger and less aware). She has seen psychologists on and off and is medicated. She has had several relationships which... View more

My mum has struggled with depression and anxiety in various severity for at least 15 years (probably longer but I would have been younger and less aware). She has seen psychologists on and off and is medicated. She has had several relationships which have ended poorly and the last one particularly so, involving violence. She really struggles with being on her own and gets increasingly upset and caught up in her thoughts. Whenever I ask how she is going she cries and says she is useless on her own and hates it. I think I have anxiety around our relationship and I am often worried about her and wanting to help. I am currently pregnant with my first and am unsure as to how this might affect myself but also the baby and my husband too. Are there some strategies I could implement to support her or suggestions for what she could do to improve her mental health? I am willing to see a counselor or psychologist myself, but would also love some ideas on how to help my mum or ideas for her. Thank you so much.

Widow_of_Depression Depression and Longterm Relationships
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am new to beyondblue and these forums, so here is a brief overview of me and my battles. I am nearly 25, engaged to the love of my life for 4years now, we have both had our battles with mental health, mine past and his present. He helped me thr... View more

Hi, I am new to beyondblue and these forums, so here is a brief overview of me and my battles. I am nearly 25, engaged to the love of my life for 4years now, we have both had our battles with mental health, mine past and his present. He helped me through a very difficult stage in my life when i was diagnoised with endometriosis, had surgery and then dealt with the depression and anxiety that followed. I would not have made it without his love and support. Now its my turn to be the care giver, i am struggling to help him and maintain myself. He was diagnosed with depression earlier this year, tried medication but had violent side effects, tried herbal remedies with success but then stopped taking them. The bad episodes are not consistent, they happen at anytime even without know cause. Latest episode started December 24th and is still ongoing, he has shut me out, we dont communicate. Occasionally he has broken out of this for 1hr or so and everything has seemed normal and then dives straight back into that dark zone. I have no idea what to do now that he is not communicating with me. Should i push him into counselling, will he get angry if i push him towards help? In the past we had to wait for him to decide to get help. I dont think i can mentally or physically handle waiting for him to come to the decision himself. Had thought of giving him some self help reading material but he doesnt like reading. I am tired, anxious and desperate for change.

Zebra_Safari Moving in together with someone with depression
  • replies: 7

I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I know he has had severe depression 5 years ago and is still on ADs. For the two years he has been managing well with some downs which have been manageable. He withdraws for a couple of days but still keep... View more

I have been with my boyfriend for two years. I know he has had severe depression 5 years ago and is still on ADs. For the two years he has been managing well with some downs which have been manageable. He withdraws for a couple of days but still keeps in touch. After that he has appeared fine. I know he works hard to keep positive and he is good at that after years of therapy. We do not live together yet. This year he felt like his medication did not help any longer, so a different AD was prescribed. Most of the time we have had a fantastic relationship and we are in love. We have made plans of moving in together with our children from our previous marriages. We have been looking for houses and were excited about the plans, him in particular. Just before we were meant to go and view properties he suddenly fell into a black hole of depression. This has lasted for much longer than before, seems more intense, he has been irritable and angry, he is not able to keep in touch and I am very worried. For a while I thought he broke up with me and it was devastating. He feels like a different person and he said he does not have warm feelings towards me at the moment, although he wants to stay together. I dare not even ask about the house and moving in together, but I am very stressed as my lease is finishing and I need to move out. I am also very stressed whether moving my children to a house where someone suffers from depression is a good idea. Even if I was able to cope, the children will suddenly live in an environment where someone can potentially be very moody and have these unpredictable episodes that affect the feel in the home. I am naturally very concerned about my boyfriend, I love him very much but I am really scared at the same time. Will he be back as his usual self and whether these bouts are going to be more frequent and serious. I know nobody can tell, but I am wondering if there are others who have moved in with a partner suffering from depression, and have had children moving with them. How are the children going to be affected? How do you survive the fact that your partner may 'disappear' unpredicably?

Mum_to_TJJ Depression or self indulgent? Could it be both?
  • replies: 4

My 20 year old son won’t come out of his room(Uni student on Christmas break). He will talk to me and has agreed to go to the Dr with me to find out what is going on. He was extremely athletic, football, gym etc, until he had a knee reconstruction fi... View more

My 20 year old son won’t come out of his room(Uni student on Christmas break). He will talk to me and has agreed to go to the Dr with me to find out what is going on. He was extremely athletic, football, gym etc, until he had a knee reconstruction five months ago. He also has a shoulder injury that he is seeing a specialist for in the beginning of February. I feel like he has depression but also part of me feels like he is being self indulgent (teenage behaviour). I feel very frustrated! I work with people with disabilities and here he is, a healthy young man with his whole life ahead, he has injuries but they will heal, I can not get him to see the big picture! He says if he can’t play football what’s the point of anything? I have suggested he try other physical activities he can do until his injuries heal but he isn’t interested in trying anything! His sleep is all over the place his eating habits are atrocious even though the fridge is full of healthy food and I cook from scratch every night. He knows how important physical activity and diet are for mental health yet he isn’t interested in helping himself? As his mum who loves him to bits, I am very sad and very frustrated!

Minxi How do I help?
  • replies: 15

Hey everyone. I haven't been here before, hope I'm doing it right. I was wondering if anyone can help work out the difference between being rejected by someone with depression, and when it's just an excuse to ditch someone you don't want? I know this... View more

Hey everyone. I haven't been here before, hope I'm doing it right. I was wondering if anyone can help work out the difference between being rejected by someone with depression, and when it's just an excuse to ditch someone you don't want? I know this is horribly selfish if he really does have depression, but my own insecurities nag at me and I think I'm just not good enough for him even though he says it's the other way around. Are people suffering depression still able to date and send gorgeous texts and make you think they want something real? What signs should I be looking for here and what can I do to help him if he is genuinely depressed? This person is important to me and I have known him a long time. I haven't heard from him since he broke down saying he's a failure. I don't know what to think.

lonergirl partner is unemployed and has generalised anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi, first time here. So my partner 35(M) and I, 39(F) have been together for 17 and half years, since we both graduated from Uni, we are not married and no kids. He started having mental health issues around 7 years ago. At first it was gradual but i... View more

Hi, first time here. So my partner 35(M) and I, 39(F) have been together for 17 and half years, since we both graduated from Uni, we are not married and no kids. He started having mental health issues around 7 years ago. At first it was gradual but it has gotten worse over time. The last three years he has been going to a counselor and getting some cognitive therapy. Medicare provides him with 10 free appointments a year. He has not worked for around 5 years now after loosing his last job, which was only a part-time one on quite low wages. He is not entitled to any money or help in finding a job from Centrelink at all, because apparently (at $54,000) I earn far too much. I have been struggling coping with our finances on my own. Due to always working, getting any help for myself to perhaps either see a counselor or financial planner is virtually impossible because i rarely ever take any time off. I also don't have any friends that live near by. I have tried talking to his family about it, but my feeling is that that they don't understand the position I am in, and the amount of stress I am under from coping with all his mental health issues on my own. His symptoms are daily panic attacks, shaking, and sometimes violent rages, he also has frequent nightmares and insomnia. I would describe his symptoms has being similar to PTSD, but that's not actually what he has. He has never physically hurt me in any way but it is often frightening to see what he is going through. The only advice people have given me is that i should break-up with him, but for a lot of reasons, i just don't think I could do it, anyway we still love each other even though times are tough. How do i go about getting support for myself to help me through this?

Bethie Partner with PTSD need help
  • replies: 24

Hi My partner has PTSD and was ok in till a recent accident cause him to get amnesia. As his memory is starting to come back so has his PTSD. I didn' even know he saw active duty untill August this year. It seems that he kept being infantry in East T... View more

Hi My partner has PTSD and was ok in till a recent accident cause him to get amnesia. As his memory is starting to come back so has his PTSD. I didn' even know he saw active duty untill August this year. It seems that he kept being infantry in East Timour a secrect. I'e had to get the ambulance and police to take him to hospital a few times now dye to the fact that when he' been asleep he starts reliving everything he saw and did under orders and has grabbed ahold of me a few times thinking I was the enemy. On some level he still knows it' me and doesn' hurt me. I didn' know untill recently that for over 20 years he had used a very very small amount of marihuana a day to help. He told me he's tried everything else including hypmo theropy and acupuncture after he got out but nothing worked long term. He' now taking very small amounts of smoke again but is on anti anxiety/anti depressants meds. It' been a week today since his last attack but I'm really scared. I suffer chronic anxiety and depression myself and at times totally break down. We have a 14 year old son who thank God gets people to talk to about his Dad via Army Cadets which helps. If anyone has been through anything like this please please I need advice. Most of the guys my partner served with have passed away now. The last one only a few months ago. My partner feels he should have been there for him. Reality is the guy suffered a brain tumour and died suddenly at 48. It was nothing to do with his military service but since he saved my partners life and vise versa my parter has taken it very hard. I' struggling. Part of me hates the Army so bad and seeing my son hell bent on going into infantry when he' 17 breaks my heart. I want to wrap my partner in cotton wool and never take my eyes of him. If I could I'd take his pain away and bear it myself. But I can't. We talked today and he wants me to get help but I'm scared. So much I learnt is highly classfied and I don't want to open things better left buried for good reason. How do people handle this sort of thing?

Goingtogetbetter 10 year old daughter
  • replies: 4

Hi all my 10 year old daughter is having anxiety panic attacks that just started over the last 3 days. They make her want to go to the toilet very often and times where goes straight back in after she has been. She is in tears and doesnt want to trav... View more

Hi all my 10 year old daughter is having anxiety panic attacks that just started over the last 3 days. They make her want to go to the toilet very often and times where goes straight back in after she has been. She is in tears and doesnt want to travel or go out i use to get attacks like this but somewhat manage it now but not sure how to help her as she says nothing is helping. We think it has to do with her dream she had where someone broke into the house and has a fear now of this occurring where she asks if everything is checked before bed and any little noises she yells out if it was us moving. Its now impacting her day and sleep (and ours). Just after some advice as we're stuck what to do ☹ we'll be trying to get her to a psychologist as soon as we can get her in... but need some help in the interim. Any advice is very muchh appreciated. Thanks M

Moama77 Needing help with my daughter
  • replies: 3

Hi is there anyone with any stratagies on what i could say to get my daughter 15 years old to get professional help. She stubborn, doesnt matter what i do or try she will not seek professional help i have told her various times that there is nothing ... View more

Hi is there anyone with any stratagies on what i could say to get my daughter 15 years old to get professional help. She stubborn, doesnt matter what i do or try she will not seek professional help i have told her various times that there is nothing wrong seeing someone about her issues she has and its nothing to be ashamed about. And that Everything is confidential what she speaks about and its not scary to speak to someone and what types of profession helps do in appointments. I too have depression and feeling down about this as i feel i need to sort her out before myself. She has spoken to me about little things that have been bothering her but not much else that also has been bothering her. She sits up most of the night. And sleeps most of the day. She refuses to leave her room unless some of her friends beg her to go out have some fun like swimming or go to movies, shopping etc. she is known to lie. She is also trying to gather info that she could have epilepsy. Im so unsure what to do anymore. My family don’t understand what she is going through due to they havent experienced depression. Im left out with ideas what else to say to get her to speak to someone. I dont want to send her to mental health hospitals as i feel its not right at the moment. Feeling lost i dont know what to do im single mum and she doesnt have an father figure about as well. Its just me. so has anyone got any advice how to go about getting her to seek help. Cause she refusing everytime i ask her if she needs to speak to someone.