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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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815 Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope
  • replies: 242

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was dep... View more

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die. I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness. Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this. I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now. I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do. I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help. I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful. I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

jane_1 can someone love me properly if they dont love themselves?
  • replies: 2

Hi all, To give you some context, i have been with my partner for 2.5 years. When we first starting dating they had anxiety ( i do too and we bonded over this, feeling we understood eachother), but over the years they have been diagnosed by their psy... View more

Hi all, To give you some context, i have been with my partner for 2.5 years. When we first starting dating they had anxiety ( i do too and we bonded over this, feeling we understood eachother), but over the years they have been diagnosed by their psychologist with pure OCD and struggles with depression. Although i experience my own mental health difficulties, i have never experienced depression so i dont fully understand how hard it is. But my partner sadly, hates themselves, and no matter how hard i love them its not enough to make them love themself. My partner is also not engaging in therapy consistently and prioritises their student life (which is a driver and exacerbates their depression due to feeling inadequate and incompetent). I have tried many times to encourage them to book many sessions in (as i know how booked up psychs get) but they dont do it. I dont even think they are doing ERP (exposure therapy - gold standard for OCD). Because they are so consumed in their own head, they are often low when we are together, or forget about me and has it a toll on me. As someone who has a very high emotional deprivation and defective schema myself (currently doing schema therapy), i am someone who needs to be shown how much someome loves me. They have told me that sometimes they just cant give anymore. I love this person so much but i dont know if this relationship is doomed. Recently, i have been contemplating whether it would be better for them to work on themselves without being in a relationship, to heal themselves. But can they work on themselves alongside me? I feel very lost. If you have any sort of experience with this or advice, i would appreciate it so much.

Logan_III Wife suffering from persecutory delusions, can they eventually forgive the wrongly accused?
  • replies: 4

My wife of nearly 20 years has always suffered from depression but the past 4 years have been the hardest on me due to the amplification of her hypervigilance/judgemental-ness/persecutory beliefs based on past unresolved trauma. She has seen a psychi... View more

My wife of nearly 20 years has always suffered from depression but the past 4 years have been the hardest on me due to the amplification of her hypervigilance/judgemental-ness/persecutory beliefs based on past unresolved trauma. She has seen a psychiatrist for many years but they never seem to delve into the cause and over the past 4 years her paranoia regarding people close to me has escalated.I have had to part way for numerous friends, minimal contact with my family and I am now more isolated than ever. I have given up sports that I enjoyed due to the clubs being part of the conspiracy. These people are accused of sharing emails or texts, hacking accounts, passing on information to media outlets and general gaslighting in an effort to get her to return to a past workplace (one source of her past trauma).Like many people suffering the above, jumping to conclusions with minimal evidence, not believing her Dr and being angry at needing medication (antidepressant and a mild antipsychotic) when she believes it's all these people who need to stop and apologise.Can someone who believes in these things so strongly ever get to a point where they realise that these people have not done what her mind has convinced her of or is it 'locked in'.I guess I am at a point where I am assessing our future as a family unit. We have children and it is really starting to impact them and my lust for life is also at an all-time low.I read all the help guides regarding caring for someone suffering from this, but I fear catching up with people (who have not been accused) as I may lose them too.It's not a great way to live and if things are set in her mind, even if she gets things under control, I miss all my friends and catching up with family regularly without the crippling anxiety it brings me.Thanks

Guest_32284936 Fried won't get help
  • replies: 1

My good mate from high school has been in and out of care and refuses to believe that anything is wrong. He was first diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar over 10 years ago and since then has bounced around the street or his mum's house but his m... View more

My good mate from high school has been in and out of care and refuses to believe that anything is wrong. He was first diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar over 10 years ago and since then has bounced around the street or his mum's house but his mum has dementia and the house is barely livable. He does minimum wage jobs and always complains how he can't eat right or do anything about his health because he is so poor and that all he needs is a mate to have a beer with. He drinks every single day. He has alienated most friends with poor hygiene or ranting when we used to see him.After his last involuntary status stay he seems better but refuses to get any help or speak to anyone and thinks that he was completely fine and it was just his brother out to get him.How can I tell him I can't be there for him every day and he needs to speak to someone who can help him.

AfterLoss Struggling with my struggling wife
  • replies: 1

Thanks for letting me vent! We'll have our 10 year wedding anniversary soon, but it's been a tough road. My wife has a major depressive disorder, OCD and ADD.Before our kids were born, she made a total of six suicide attempts and I had to admit her t... View more

Thanks for letting me vent! We'll have our 10 year wedding anniversary soon, but it's been a tough road. My wife has a major depressive disorder, OCD and ADD.Before our kids were born, she made a total of six suicide attempts and I had to admit her to a psychiatric facility against her will (technically two, but one was very brief). Our relationship is pretty bad. I feel like 90% of our conversations are negative and she constantly complains about things that to me aren't worth complaining about. But that to me isn't the worst of it, the worst of it is that she seems to be angry at me at least 50% of the time. She gets angry at me over nothing. ALL. THE. TIME. I'm not saying I'm perfect, far from it. I don't listen, I can be very lazy, I'm messy, I'm not as emotionally available as she needs me to be (particularly after she gets angry at me). I know it's her pain manifesting as anger, but I'm finding it impossible not to take it personal, her being hostile all the time. She gets EXTREMELY stressed (and then angry) about anything out of the ordinary.What's worse is that we're planning to move to Europe for most of next year and this is creating major friction. So I feel like I have the choice between a horrible time getting ready (and potentially a horrible time while we're over there) or cancelling our plans and not have any adventures for the rest of our lives. Neither of those sound like an acceptable scenario. One other thing causing problems is that my dad died suddenly a year ago. I really struggled with it and she was amazing during that time, but while I'm obviously not "over it", I've dealt with it head on and while I still think about him all the time and dream about him most nights (he was by far the most influential person in my life), I like thinking about him and they're happy memories. For my wife it's different. She cared about him a lot too (probably especially because her dad is a terrible parent), but she avoided thinking about it a lot and now still gets very upset when thinking about him. While it might seem that my dad's death might not be that relevant to our marriage, it is directly related to our biggest conflict: A third child.She DESPERATELY wants another child, but every bone in my body is just not at all interested in having another child. I feel that I'm past the season of my life where I want to have babies. Continued below.

BRET Teenager refusal to seek help and go to appointments
  • replies: 1

HI I have a teenager (15) and we are having a nightmare dealing with.He erupts every night over small things that dont seem to be important.He gets angry and and has out burst kicking walls multiple time during the day. HE seems to have no regard for... View more

HI I have a teenager (15) and we are having a nightmare dealing with.He erupts every night over small things that dont seem to be important.He gets angry and and has out burst kicking walls multiple time during the day. HE seems to have no regard for advise this only makes him angry. We are constantly walking on egg shells to keep him from exploding into rage and wrecking some thing.He has no rationale about danger and will often open the car door while driving to stop me from driving . He struggles to get to school every day and often come up with some thing wrong not to go .He has got mates and i dont think that school is necessarily the issue.We have had a referral from our doctor but he refuses to go.We are exhausted and just want to help him as it seems to only be getting worse.I have read some reviews about BPD and wonder if this might be what is going on.

Chantilly Schizophrenia
  • replies: 1

Hello , My son spent 7 months in hospital last year where he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was granted guardianship of him during this time . He is medication compliant , has been very stable but I’m exhausted. He does have NDIS with a respite ... View more

Hello , My son spent 7 months in hospital last year where he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. I was granted guardianship of him during this time . He is medication compliant , has been very stable but I’m exhausted. He does have NDIS with a respite component but he has a lot of social anxiety with new people and new surroundings , so I try to stick to routine . I suppose what I’m looking for is any other Mums who are in a similar situation , I just feel as though I am very alone with this journey .

Brendaa Can borderline BDP be fixed long term? How?
  • replies: 2

Wondering if anyone has treatment for BDP and has this helped for long term relationships with partners? Going to take my partner soon to see psychologist but from what I'm reading, it's very hard to change

Wondering if anyone has treatment for BDP and has this helped for long term relationships with partners? Going to take my partner soon to see psychologist but from what I'm reading, it's very hard to change

Elle1 AITA for trying to address communication and support issues in my friend group
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m part of a long distant friend group Recently, I noticed ongoing issues with communication and emotional support. Sometimes people don’t show when they’re upset, and it’s hard to know how to respond. I sent a message to the group, expressing m... View more

Hi, I’m part of a long distant friend group Recently, I noticed ongoing issues with communication and emotional support. Sometimes people don’t show when they’re upset, and it’s hard to know how to respond. I sent a message to the group, expressing my concerns about communication and emotional support. My intention was never to blame anyone or attack them, but to encourage everyone to notice when someone is struggling and to respond in a caring way. I also clarified privately with some friends about ways they could help support each other better. One friend reacted very angrily, feeling that I was blaming another friend for not doing enough to support the group. The conversation became hostile, and I was told not to respond anymore and was then blocked. Meanwhile, another friend shared that they have felt hurt and ignored multiple times in the past, which has made it hard for them to express their feelings. They described a situation where they had shared something from their culture and felt belittled, which caused them to withdraw. They acknowledged that they sometimes struggle to reach out but emphasized it’s not because they don’t care—they just have a history of feeling unwanted. Another friend responded thoughtfully, explaining that they hadn’t intended to hurt anyone either and that their reaction had been influenced by past trauma. They expressed a desire to resolve problems as they arise, rather than letting feelings build up into conflict. The friend who originally felt hurt then clarified that they often freeze up or second-guess themselves because of past experiences and fears of upsetting others. They emphasized that they care deeply about the group and don’t want to lose anyone, and expressed a desire to find better ways to communicate—either one-on-one or with a mediator if needed.The goal was to ensure everyone feels safe and heard. I want group members to express their feelings without fear of judgment or causing conflict. I feel conflicted because my attempt to improve communication caused significant pain and tension. I’m looking for guidance on whether:1. I was wrong to bring up these concerns in the way I did.2. There’s a better way to navigate communication and emotional support in a close friend group, especially when mental health challenges are involved3. I can repair trust and ensure everyone feels safe without anyone feeling blamed.Thanks in advance for any advice or perspective.

Coastie7395 Partner of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
  • replies: 3

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have read a lot of information on the internet and am trying to be supportive in the best ways I can. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationsh... View more

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have read a lot of information on the internet and am trying to be supportive in the best ways I can. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship, that I didn't understand him and that I continued to make things worse. He has been off his anxiety/depression meds for a few days and I'm sure this is contributing to his downturn in mood. I don't want to abandon him, I do love him, but I have got to the point where I'm not sure I can keep fighting for our relationship when he seems intent on finding everything wrong with us and blowing any tiny thing into an issue of epic proportions. When he's having his bad days I am constantly questioning my self worth. I've been trying to learn how to effectively communicate with someone with his condition but most of the time he is closed off to conversation and expects me to be able to read his mind to know what he wants. He often will use the silent treatment and today has even blocked me so we can't communicate until he's ready. I'm happy to give him space if he could communicate that to me but either he can't or I don't understand the cues for when he wants space. Any advice on the best way for us to move forward would be greatly appreciated.