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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Elle1 AITA for trying to address communication and support issues in my friend group
  • replies: 1

Hi, I’m part of a long distant friend group Recently, I noticed ongoing issues with communication and emotional support. Sometimes people don’t show when they’re upset, and it’s hard to know how to respond. I sent a message to the group, expressing m... View more

Hi, I’m part of a long distant friend group Recently, I noticed ongoing issues with communication and emotional support. Sometimes people don’t show when they’re upset, and it’s hard to know how to respond. I sent a message to the group, expressing my concerns about communication and emotional support. My intention was never to blame anyone or attack them, but to encourage everyone to notice when someone is struggling and to respond in a caring way. I also clarified privately with some friends about ways they could help support each other better. One friend reacted very angrily, feeling that I was blaming another friend for not doing enough to support the group. The conversation became hostile, and I was told not to respond anymore and was then blocked. Meanwhile, another friend shared that they have felt hurt and ignored multiple times in the past, which has made it hard for them to express their feelings. They described a situation where they had shared something from their culture and felt belittled, which caused them to withdraw. They acknowledged that they sometimes struggle to reach out but emphasized it’s not because they don’t care—they just have a history of feeling unwanted. Another friend responded thoughtfully, explaining that they hadn’t intended to hurt anyone either and that their reaction had been influenced by past trauma. They expressed a desire to resolve problems as they arise, rather than letting feelings build up into conflict. The friend who originally felt hurt then clarified that they often freeze up or second-guess themselves because of past experiences and fears of upsetting others. They emphasized that they care deeply about the group and don’t want to lose anyone, and expressed a desire to find better ways to communicate—either one-on-one or with a mediator if needed.The goal was to ensure everyone feels safe and heard. I want group members to express their feelings without fear of judgment or causing conflict. I feel conflicted because my attempt to improve communication caused significant pain and tension. I’m looking for guidance on whether:1. I was wrong to bring up these concerns in the way I did.2. There’s a better way to navigate communication and emotional support in a close friend group, especially when mental health challenges are involved3. I can repair trust and ensure everyone feels safe without anyone feeling blamed.Thanks in advance for any advice or perspective.

Brendaa Can borderline BDP be fixed long term? How?
  • replies: 0

Wondering if anyone has treatment for BDP and has this helped for long term relationships with partners? Going to take my partner soon to see psychologist but from what I'm reading, it's very hard to change

Wondering if anyone has treatment for BDP and has this helped for long term relationships with partners? Going to take my partner soon to see psychologist but from what I'm reading, it's very hard to change

Coastie7395 Partner of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
  • replies: 3

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have read a lot of information on the internet and am trying to be supportive in the best ways I can. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationsh... View more

My partner was recently diagnosed with BPD as well as anxiety, depression and PTSD. I have read a lot of information on the internet and am trying to be supportive in the best ways I can. Yesterday he told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship, that I didn't understand him and that I continued to make things worse. He has been off his anxiety/depression meds for a few days and I'm sure this is contributing to his downturn in mood. I don't want to abandon him, I do love him, but I have got to the point where I'm not sure I can keep fighting for our relationship when he seems intent on finding everything wrong with us and blowing any tiny thing into an issue of epic proportions. When he's having his bad days I am constantly questioning my self worth. I've been trying to learn how to effectively communicate with someone with his condition but most of the time he is closed off to conversation and expects me to be able to read his mind to know what he wants. He often will use the silent treatment and today has even blocked me so we can't communicate until he's ready. I'm happy to give him space if he could communicate that to me but either he can't or I don't understand the cues for when he wants space. Any advice on the best way for us to move forward would be greatly appreciated.

Lornz Living with a partner with PTSD
  • replies: 13

Please help! My de facto partner of almost 3 years suffers PTSD after 28 years in army, SF, CT duties, 11 deployments and it is a constant "tread on egg shells". He is medicated and sees psychiatrists and psychologists on a regular basis. He says he ... View more

Please help! My de facto partner of almost 3 years suffers PTSD after 28 years in army, SF, CT duties, 11 deployments and it is a constant "tread on egg shells". He is medicated and sees psychiatrists and psychologists on a regular basis. He says he loves me but cannot give me emotional support when I need it. He sees problems in my life as insignificant, he says I don't support him, he won't talk about what he has experienced as he says I will throw it back at him, anything that happens out of what he feels should be happening is always my fault. I feel so lonely in this relationship. Everyone else in the world is dumb, stupid, ignorant, it's always someone else's fault, never his. What about me? There is very little/no support that I can find for partners living with loved ones with PTSD. I woke this morning to a man very different to yesterday - Today I can't seem to say the right thing, I seem to be looking at him the wrong way, when I question him to ask if anything is wrong, it's all my fault that he is like he is. I have had counselling myself to try and gain information and how best cope with this lonely, always to blame feeling, but each counsellor has told me I don't have a problem and it's him, so I give up attending and go back home to the constant lonely, on edge feeling trying to deal with it myself. This in turn is making me so depressed and anxious about our otherwise healthy relationship. I have tried reaching out to social media support groups but a lot of these is about women having a moan about their husbands - I don't want this, I love him to pieces, all I want is direction on best ways to deal with Living with a partner with PTSD. Military professionals seem to get the support they so honourably need, but where is the support mechanisms for us partners left to live with PTSD daily. Please, if anyone can guide me in any way or throw some light onto if his behaviour is normal PTSD behaviour and how best I deal with it, please let me know before I walk out on this man I love.

Anonymous_1464 My girlfriends anxiety is causing problems for our relationship
  • replies: 2

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. Through the entire time my friendship with my sister has caused her anxiety and it has really started to take a toll on our relationship and she’s unsure if she can handle it. I’m 21 year... View more

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. Through the entire time my friendship with my sister has caused her anxiety and it has really started to take a toll on our relationship and she’s unsure if she can handle it. I’m 21 years old and still live at home with my parents and sister who is 19. My relationship with my sister is by no means anything unusual and is purely just 2 siblings who get along. My girlfriend worries that I want her to be like my sister, she worries that I tell my sister everything about me and my girlfriends relationship and that I don’t need or want to be with her because of the bond I have with my sister. None of these are true, I love my girlfriend for who she is and have not once wished she was anything like my sister in any way. I’ve never told my sister details about me and my girlfriend’s relationship and I have never felt that I don’t need my girlfriend or that I don’t want to be with her. It is a hard problem to navigate and she understands that it may not make total sense to me but at this point in time I am not willing to give up on our relationship over something that I believe can be overcome. What tools do I need to assist her moving forward and what are some tools that she will need to be able to understand that my sister is of no threat to our relationship and that I do not compare them in any way? Thanks

Lmov807 Being a better supportive husband
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm having a very hard time being the supportive husband my wife needs of me. We have known each for 9 years, engaged for 4 years and now married for 1.5years. We have 5 year old twins, raising them without a village around us the whole time due ... View more

Hi, I'm having a very hard time being the supportive husband my wife needs of me. We have known each for 9 years, engaged for 4 years and now married for 1.5years. We have 5 year old twins, raising them without a village around us the whole time due to distance and family conflict.My wife has been upfront about having anxiety and depression since day one, has medications and has been engaged in counseling for many years. Even with all her mental health pains she has been my number one cheerleader which I never had in childhood or as an adult.We never fought prior to kids but life since the twins has been difficult. The lack of support during covid has been marked and has taken a toll on both of us. We have had to battle so hard to survive those early days, there has been so little relief since. So much of our trauma from our youth and previous relationships are being relived and triggered in raising twins. For me, childhood trauma of being endlessly criticized for not doing exactly what has been asked of me. I have been seeing a psychologist for about a year to work through plus life now as a husband and father with mental health and kids in that discussion too. For my wife it's much more severe anxiety and depression. And that's where I'm having problems.Prior to kids I could reassure and be a person she could depend on the help ride it out but now none of this works. She literally has mentioned what she needs in those times, clear communication to the smallest detail, ask questions on her well-being and listen with empathy. I admit I don't do this every single time. I will either miss a detail, often the smallest bit that is forgotten, not outline everything on my mind each time we communicate or have a too small view of the situation, as in not seeing it from other viewpoints. This causes significant conflict. It then send me down a hole of failure, anger and self pity. I find it hard to get back up, reassure my wife, learn from what has happened and to get better. I know I'm extremely hard on myself but it keeps happening. And when it does, I take on that lesson but the next time it's another thing and another. I'm overwhelmed with everything I need to do and each and every time. There is always something else to be mindful of, unfortunately I will forget and then this causes more grief. I know a lot of this can be prevented on my actions but it's hard to keep on top of

815 Supporting a depressed husband - seeking hope
  • replies: 240

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was dep... View more

I am married to an amazing man. We have been together 20 years, married for 15 and have 2 amazing daughters. We have always stood by each other, and he has always been loving and supportive. Towards the end of last year, my husband told me he was depressed. At that time, I asked him to get help. He said he didn't want to and we left it at that and things got better for a few months. But for the most part of this year things have been very up and down,. A couple of weeks ago he admitted that he wanted to die. I know nothing about depression so every time we talk about it, I ask him to get help. However over the last few weeks he has stopped talking to me, and started sleeping in our spare room. He has told me that I can't help him, he wants to go it alone, I haven't been there for him, and may other hurtful things. I keep telling myself that it is the depression, but it causes me great pain and sadness. Last week one of his oldest friends contacted me to tell me that my husband had been to see him. He told him he's lost and disconnected, doesn't know where he is, and how or where I stand with him. But his friend told me that he loves me, and that I can't give up, even when/if my husband says he has. He hasn't given up. But I need to be patient and try to find a way to reconnect. I cry every time I think of this. I do believe there is still love there. But I can also appreciate that the depression probably leave very little room for him to feel/see anything else right now. I know the priority is to get him help. However as he keeps refusing, I feel there is little more that I can do. I know he needs professional help and as long as I still have the strength to, I will keep trying to convince him to get help. I am writing this post basically because I need hope. I need to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I need to know that loving him and simply being there for him (even though he says it's not enough) can get us through this. So if anyone has any experience, stories to share, tips and suggestions on how to reconnect, I would be very grateful. I know that it sounds highly idealistic, and we don't live in fairy tales. But I have to keep believing that we will get through this somehow.

_-_ Depressed partner leaving a long term relationship - is it the depression or relationship?
  • replies: 37

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves. Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, althoug... View more

My long term partner (19+ years with children) has recently been diagnosed with severe depression and thinks it would be best to move out to focus on themselves. Up until the past few months relationship has been happy, engaging and intimate, although full time work and family has left less time than we would like to spend with each other. Whilst my partner has been working lots, I can see that they started to withdraw in the past couple of months and showing several physical (sleep issues, weight loss) and emotional signs (withdrawing, irritable, constantly worried, not enjoying social activities) of depression.They also stated that they no longer feel in love with me. In the last month they have decided that there is not enough feelings on their side to try to salvage the relationship.This was quite shocking, as we have always enjoyed each other, never had big arguments or a particular trigger - I thought he was simply stressed from work load and us both being busy.They mention that they just feel numb and want to work on themselves to find out what makes them happy again. This feeling has applied to our family and social life as well.I'm assured there is no third party and I believe them.They don't enjoy being at home as it makes them anxious and they have withdrawn from myself and the children but have made an effort to keep things as normal as possible. Outwardly they are high functioning and find work to be soothing and rewarding, however they admit to masking in most other social settings.They have recently been to a GP and been diagnosed with severe depression and some anxiety, and recently started engaging with a psychologist.We have been openly talking about how they have been feeling for the past few weeks and there has been no animosity but it's still hard to hear as I love them deeply.They have said that they care for me and want me to be happy, but they also want to find happiness themself. They hope to remain friends and continue to co-parent amicably.They seem so sure, but it also seems so different and sudden.I'm committed to supporting them and will manage as best I can. It's hard for me to know if it's the depression that has impacted their feelings for me, or if it's genuine. I also know that I would take them back in a heartbeat if given the chance

Ranga-1 I'm Worried About My Son - Again
  • replies: 1

Hi. As the title suggests, I am worried about my son again. He's been wearing a hoodie a lot, and as it happens, his hair has matted into a bunch of horrible knots - he has long hair. He had friends over tonight, and his mate's girlfriend helped him ... View more

Hi. As the title suggests, I am worried about my son again. He's been wearing a hoodie a lot, and as it happens, his hair has matted into a bunch of horrible knots - he has long hair. He had friends over tonight, and his mate's girlfriend helped him with a lot of the detangling. He still has a colossal knot, which I will help with later. They put his hair into a braid and they've all gone bowling. When his mates were in the car and he was putting on his shoes, I asked him how he could have been so neglectful. He told me he had had a depressive episode. I immediately apologised and asked how I could help He said he has been talking to his friends. He is lucky they are so understanding and accepting. They're good kids. I just texted him to apologise and told him I'm here for him. He said it's okay - he just scored a strike. I guess he knows I'm here for him. I can't talk to my husband. He's always sick and he's isolated himself in his shed. I don't care that much about my marriage at the moment, but I care about HIM. I am starting an internship again next week, and I'm so scared I can't do it, and now I have these worries on my mind. My son has also just split with his girlfriend, and I think that might have contributed to the depressive episode he mentioned. What can I do?