The constant struggle.
Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.
So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.
I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.
That place sounds wonderful Chris. As someone who lives in Tassie it would be so beautiful.
I have a place already lined up to move to once the funding comes through, which could be another 3 months. It's a little unit set up in the outer suburbs. And instead of being in a complex like the ones I live in it's a stand alone building and not surrounded by others in the same company. It will also be set up for 24hr care which will be interesting as I've not had that before but it could really help me. There's no way to speed up the NDIS process which sucks.
Do you know why you don't like the temporary accommodation? Strange question perhaps but sometimes the reasons aren't always obvious for why we don't like something. Things can just simply have a feel to them that we don't like.
It's interesting how some people are super sensitive to the feel of a place. For example, when house hunting they won't consider a certain property based on it having an 'off' feeling to it. I recall hearing a story where someone was being shown through a house and the second they stepped through the front door, they felt and overwhelming feeling of exhaustion and incredible anger. They just couldn't explain it. It came over them like a wave. They found out later the place was being sold by a divorced couple who were said to have been thoroughly exhausted by a lot of fighting and fury (within the house) in the lead up to the divorce and sale of the property.
Some people simply don't like the feel of an apartment/flat based on it either having a claustrophobic feel to it or a 'lack of nature' feel. Some will bring plants into the apartment, to change the vibe. There can be so many reasons for why we feel things the way we do.
Wishing the NDIS process will speed up for you. You've worked so hard to get to this point, while tolerating so much. You deserve a massive dose of inspiration.
Therising I just don't really like how the apartment is set up, it's two-storey for one, which is really bad for my disability. It just doesn't feel like home yet too. As I don't know how long I'll be here i don't know if I'll settle in or if I want to.
But I had a good chat with my new room-mate last night. He's pretty interesting, been through hell and back, even fought in Iraq. I think we'll get on much better than my roommate.
As you earlier I get a chance to have a break from my old roommate and I get to experience other staff members and see if I get better support here. There's always positives to find amongst my situation.
I think a place will either feel like home base or it won't, for a variety of reasons. Even if it's temporary, I suppose a lot it can come down to 'Does my accommodation accommodate me mentally, physically and soulfully?'. If not, it just won't feel right, even if we've tried to make constructive changes to it. I think a real home base hits the trifecta in a significant way.
Your new room mate may prove to be thoroughly inspirational. I hope so. I imagine you'll both be able to feel and express great compassion and understanding between each other. Sometimes I feel we're destined to meet certain people, the kinds of people who can prove to be our greatest teachers in life. They can teach us amazing things about our self in the process. Kind of wake us up to who we really are, as opposed to who we've always believed our self to be. People can point out to us how strong we truly are, when we'd often considered our self the be weak. They can point out how tolerant we are, when we'd always believed our self to be easily triggered. The list goes on. They change our mindset and direction in a number of ways.
Don't underestimate your ability too. Imagine you have the ability to lead him to see things differently also. Perhaps you are the room mate he needed to meet. You just never know. I've found life has a quirky way about it. That flooding may have come as a kind of blessing in disguise. Hope the new staff and room mate prove this to be the case.
I wish you could have someone around you who could lead you to think 'So this is how life is meant to be (different from what it is). This is how people are meant to be really helping me'. I think we can be surrounded by people who are either depressing or basically doing a good job. Btw, a basically good job can be enough to keep us afloat but it's so basic that we just can't feel the difference. It can become exhausting while our sense of drowning is being prolonged.
I know I'm simply playing with words here but what if you didn't aim for 'better' but instead aimed for 'different'. If you were to study the differences, how would you feel? Maybe you could say, for example, 'My new room mate doesn't necessarily lead me to feel better but he does lead me to feel different from how I normally feel'. Different might appear as him leading your internal dialogue not to sound so loud or for it to come so often. Maybe he has the ability to switch it off at times. How does he manage making this difference? How does he manage to switch it off so easily? Not saying this is the case, just an example.
There can be a lot of differences - A depressing difference, an inspiring difference (slight or great), a stressful difference, a questionable difference and so on. If you were able to study the differences in how you feel, do you think this would help in any way when it comes to feeling who and what you're dealing with? Can 'I can feel what you're doing to me (in the way of emotion)' help put you in the driver's seat, where you're able to dictate direction to some degree?
Is there a part of you or parts of you that want to be alive? Are there parts of you that kind of happily come to life at times, perhaps triggered by certain friends or certain circumstances? Might only happen on rare occasions, under very specific circumstances.