The constant struggle.
Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.
So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.
I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.
My bedroom got semi-flooded after the storms last night. Had to pull out all my belongings and won't be able to sleep in it for a while whilst it dries. Staff haven't been much help, and they're not telling me what's going on/going to happen with the unit.
I hate how little things push me to the edge. But I don't care rn. I don't care about anything.
That's upsetting and frustrating, the unit flooding. 'One thing after the other' scenarios can definitely be mind altering. I've found one thing after another can trigger some seriously challenging internal dialogue at times.
As I mentioned to someone the other day, give me 10 small challenges (as an example) and I can manage. Give me an 11th thing and it tips the scales in mind altering ways. With 10, the internal dialogue might go 'I don't know if I can manage all this but I'll do my best. If I have to drop 1 or 2 as a way of managing, that's what I'll do'. With that extra thing, it can suddenly sound like 'I can't cope. What's wrong with me? I'm hopeless. I just can't do this anymore, I can't cope with it all'. Trying to cope with all 11 things can trigger my mindset into a down shift, along with triggering my nervous system, different breathing patterns and so on. After a couple of bouts of intense anxiety in the last year or so, I've had to come to understand what I can and can't cope with in the way of volume (how much) as well as the frequency (how often). I believe when the volume and frequency are turned up, we find our tolerance levels. Can be far from easy when we find those levels. On top of it all, you can be dealing with all those things while having entered into a state of mental and physical exhaustion without realising.
Got to a point in the last year where I wondered 'Why do I feel so sorry for myself when this kind of thing happens?' What came to mind, while meditating on this, was 'You are feeling sorrow for your self, that sense of self that needs things to be easier'. Perhaps it's the kid in me, who knows. Kind of feels like I'm grieving for that sense of self who's so incredibly sad, lonely and overwhelmed. When this revelation hit, another aspect of my self came to life. It's the aspect that is intolerant and a bit of a dictator. Things become about demanding/commanding more co-operation and respect from others, more than what they're offering. A lot the time, if people can get away with offering the basics, that's exactly what they'll do because it's easier for them. I believe 'the dictator' in us exists partly to raise the consciousness of others. In your case, she might dictate to others 'You need to tell me what's going on with the unit. What's the plan? I need to know. Don't leave me twisting in the wind. How would you feel if this happened to you and no one was telling you of the way ahead?'.
I always treasure your insights therising. You are a kind, thoughtful and intelligent person.
I feel like I can't even cope with a few things atm. Like just a couple will push me over into self harm and suicide. I did and said some stupid things last night due to what's happening. Reflecting over it, I am hurt by it. The people inside me want a break, to be heard, and just want a break.
I also found out yesterday the friend I was going to house sit doesn't want me there anymore. I feel let down by the world rn. And I can't even get out of it.
I realised yesterday as much as I want to die rn, I'm only having half assed attempts/reaching out before hand because a part of me still has hope, a part of me doesn't want to die but just wants a break and wants things to be different. I'm also scared and hurt and just want someone to love me and see I'm hurting.
We hope you don't mind us popping in, we just wanted to let you know that we're here. We really appreciate your openness, and we can hear you just want a break, and to feel understood and recognised, for things to change.
That hopeful part of you is really inspiring, Centaured, so please let us know what we can do to help you to nurture it. Safety planning is one way we really recommend to help you get through these really difficult moments, so if you have the Beyond Now app, we'd recommend updating it, or checking in with it today. If not, you can find more info and set one up right here: www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning
Our team has reached out to you privately to offer some support, we hope you don't mind. We're here to talk it through and hear you. If you want to reach us directly on the number or webchat above, even better. Please always remember that if you are unable to avoid acting on thoughts of suicide or self harm at any time, you should call 000.
Thanks so much for sharing this update, Centaured.
I imagine your inner dialogue to be incredibly exhausting, with it coming from so many places. I think it can be easier to make sense of everything when we're not so exhausted, much harder when trying to make sense of things while in a state of overwhelming challenge and exhaustion.
While what you experience with the different aspect of yourself is far more intense and challenging, I can relate in some ways to how inner dialogue can take me to the verge of wanting to scream while in a state of utter confusion and despair. Sometimes I think 'What part of me am I meant to be listening to? Which part of me holds the solution? What aspect of me appears irrational but, at the same time, manages to clearly state how I feel? How much of any part of me do I need to suppress or freely express? Which part of me leads me to regret?' and such wonder continues beyond these things.
Not sure if I've mentioned this but it's something I spoke of the other day with someone. I imagine people are like old style wagon wheels in some way. At the centre, you have the hub or you could call it 'the core sense of self'. Coming out from the hub are spokes or aspects of self. Each represents a different part of the whole. While one may reflect the child in us, who longs for simplicity and joy, another spoke may be the ranting maniac in us who is triggered to life when people's behaviour becomes intolerable. Another spoke may represent the sage who keeps us calm through wisdom and another could be the victim who is so familiar with all the feelings of despair. Each one comes to life for the first time at different points of our journey, for different reasons.
'Who or what is the core sense of self?' is perhaps the ultimate question. When I return to myself (my core sense of self) what self is that?. I like to think of it as my reasonable sense of self, the part of me that identifies with the reasons for my thoughts and behaviour. If the ranting maniacal screaming cow in me manages to come to life, was it reasonable that she did, under the circumstances? If people have refused to listen to my sufferance in a way that serves them, I'd say it is reasonable that this sense of self get the attention I deserve or need. I can count on one hand the amount of times this sense of self has come to life in the last 51 years. While it is rare, I can say it is fair, otherwise no one would have listened.
Another question I ask myself 'What triggers each spoke to appear dominant?'.
I really don't know what is going on with the different people within me or why each ones comes to the front.
I spoke with my mental health team yesterday as my case manager was away, they spoke to my psychiatrist who said I needed to come in to hospital for a few days.
Im under so much instead of my depression surfacing I swear I'm going semi-manic. My thoughts are racing so much. I can't focus on anything. I have so much energy inside. I feel like I have so many emotions bubbling under the surface that I can't deal with it and going to explode.
at least in hospital I'm safe to try to get a hold of my emotions and thoughts and try to regulate again.
Sigh I'm tired of the battle rn. But as soldiers we keep on soldiering on, keep fighting til the battle is won.
If you feel like hospital is the best place to manage how you're feeling, sounds like the way to go. If you find it to be a constructive resource, use that resource.
Emotion is definitely an interesting topic. When I came across a definition of 'emotion' as being 'energy in motion' (e-motion), I can recall thinking 'That makes so much sense'. Can definitely feel a stack of emotion/e-motion when it hits. Can be breathtaking and not always in a good way. The ability to feel our thoughts and internal dialogues and the hell they put our body through can be challenging, to say the least. Weird to think our thoughts and internal dialogues can hold a massive amount of energy, depending on what they are or sound like. Imagination's the same. What we see in our mind can 'charge us up' in either good ways or not so good ways.
They say each memory holds a very specific kind of energy. This is one of the reasons why mental health professionals try to help a client change their perception. For example, while there is an incredibly challenging kind of energy attached to feeling from the perspective of a victim, the energy experienced through the perspective of a survivor has a different feel to it. This explains why survivors are committed to helping other survivors find their power. They've experienced the different feelings for themself.
While I'm happily a woo woo gal, into the spiritual perspective of energy, I also love how quantum physics explains things. Every cell in our body vibrates with energy, which keeps us alive. Frequency and volume have a dial. Ramp up the frequency (the speed) and volume (how much) and we'll begin visually shaking with every cell in our body in a state of hyperactivity. If it all becomes too much, our body will simply pass out. Kind of like 'factory reset' mode. The human body is incredibly intelligent.
Managing what our mind does to our body and what our body does to our mind can be one heck of a challenge at times. Managing the state other people can put us in can be just as challenging. Another benefit to the hospital stay could involve getting away from your room mate for a while. Sounds like he's not good for your mind and your body. Managing to calm things down is the #1 goal.
Sounds like you're in an extreme state of hyperactivity. People simply saying 'Calm down' can be a trigger, to frustration and fury. Accessing resources with which to calm down is a help, while reflecting your ability to manage.
Whilst we are very glad you are out of hospital and that you have somewhere much more warm, dry and safe to stay for now, we can see how frustrating it is for now. Can we ask how soon it is the NDIS will get back to you? Do they think the repairs are possible?
Regardless, I do hope you will reach out if you need us. The phoneline and chat is always available, and of course, we hope you will continue to reach out here in the forums.
Please stay warm and comfortable for tonight.
Where would you like mate?
Only reason I ask is before I lost my daughter I was looking at 50 acres here in Tassie and complete wilderness.
My dogs could run (within reason), had it's own dam and so cool.
I'm not an apartment type at all, in fact I wouldn't cope in that environment.