The constant struggle.
Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.
So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.
I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.
Hello Dear Centaured,
I do believe that if we go to sleep with a chatty mind or unhealthy thoughts...that’s the way we wake up...it used to happen to me...still does but not to the extent it did..
I started listening to sleep stories when I went to bed..they are beautiful stories of mostly far away places, exploring or having a picnic in the nice surroundings..things like that, the idea is to listen to them in the background..if your minds wanders of the story, try to pull yourself up and go back to listening to the story.....They seem to relax my thoughts before sleep, and I wake up in a kind of calming mind....If I don’t then their are morning stories to listen to before starting the day.....
I know in your heart and soul that you want to die at all Lovely Centaured, you want the pain and hurt to stop, as a lot of us do....But dying isn’t the answer...It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem...and we don’t even know if our pain and hurt will remain after death....
Centaured....Maybe each day...do something positive for you..it can be the smallest thing...like sitting outside for 5 minutes, or take a bit longer in the shower and be very mindful of the tension leaving you as the warm/hot shower water falls on your head....just small things to start with...
Myself personally I like to sit outside and take a break from the monotonous daily life of living in this very fast paced world...
Hope to hear from you again Dear Centaured..
My kindest wishes with my care..
I'm sorry that you feel this way. I can't imagine the struggle that you are having constantly day by day. I didn't read your previous posts yet but I think even though I learn I can't fully feel your struggle.
But I resonate with this endless pain from waking up to laying down again, hoping it to end and it is just there... it is exhausting, I know, it is really exhausting... 😞
I wonder if you could talk more or you may choose not to talk instead find some distractions then here is always a good place that's the main reason why I'm here
you can ring beyondblue service 1300 22 4636 here if it is necessary
People are always here to hear your voice and can see a tired you when you are too tired to say.
Im sorry you are feeling this way.
I learned that these type of thoughts sometimes accompany anxiety and depression.
Have you thought about talking to your gp about the way you are feeling? And the type of thoughts you are experiencing?
I understand that they are tiring and unrelenting at times.
Sometimes they feel as though they are yelling at you.
Have you ever tried meditation?
Your not alone
I'm so sorry you are going through this and I can resonate with you.
That dark abyss can not only seem never-ending and scary but also comforting. However, there is no real comfort there, it's a story we tell ourselves because living just feels so hard. As much as the abyss feels never-ending, there is always light, even if we have to try really hard just to see a speck of it.
There are many reasons you may feel this way, even if you are unsure why you are. The important thing though is to seek help to find out why you are feeling this way. That's the speck and the first step towards it. There is a relief, trust me, and not in how you're currently feeling. Thirteen years on and I am living proof.
The biggest relief comes in understanding why you are feeling this way. Once you have that piece of the puzzle, with supportive help the light gets bigger and brighter. Y ou've got it. You have already started by seeking understanding and support here and that is huge.
Believe in you, because everyone here does and we are all in your corner.
Thanks everyone for the replies.
I ended up in hospital on Thursday. I couldn't take it anymore. I'm home now and have little more focus on the future.
My friends have decided to take me to the pride parade and afterparty on Saturday. Gonna go as a fabulous drag queen if I can get the right outfit.
So glad you made that first big step for some professional direction and give yourself some focus. The future is our oyster and every baby step we make gets us there.
Sounds like Saturday will be an amazing day with lots of fun for you. I'm sure your friends would be more than willing to help you put that fabulous outfit together.