Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

[MsPurple]

Hi gigggles, smiley kylie and enigmaboy and anyone else on this page

When I start thinking more about suicide and death it means to me that my depression is worsening. I usually go to back to my gp (due to sometimes meds need to change for a month or so) and back to my psychologist. I try see my psychologist every 6 weeks (due to mental health plan giving 10 sessions a year). If I need to go more I will do so (can get an EPC made for psychology, not as much medicare rebate as a mental health plan but better than nothing). Together with my psychologist I try discuss how I am feeling, and what has caused this increase in depression. I am a talker as well. I sometimes need to just discuss my feeling with someone who is a professional because they signed up to do this as a job and passion. I also talk to my family for other things that aren't overwhelming for them

Do you guys have a good support system at home? Do you see a psychologist? I found it took me seeing one person, realising I didn't click, then seeing another one before I found one I could talk to and be comfortable

I have also tried finding hobbies I like. In the last two years I have discovered triathlon. I find the sport is very community oriented. Yes some people are really competetative (in the open category) however most people are their to challenge themselves and have fun. It is great. People of all ages, sizes and abilities give it a go. They have short distances for beginners to longer. I love it. It gives me something to train for. I have also met so many people, and recently joined a cycling club. Some days I wonder 'what am I even doing with my life, why am I here?' but having something to get up for and train for really helps.

I also find dog therapy great. I unfortunatley don't have a dog at my place, whoever my parents do. I just go over and have dog cuddles. Especially on bad days it makes me feel so much better. I hope to get a dogs soon when I can afford it and when I have a little bit of a yard/grass.

Life can be tough. Especially in the rough places, you wonder, 'How am I gonna get through this?' But I try remind myself of the good times and how if I end it all, I could miss out on some on more of the good times

[Kathleen_]

What is keeping me here?

I’m always telling myself my family. Honestly though I am terrified of failing. If I fail I could be brain damaged or disabled.

I’m scared of failing at suicide and my family and friends finding out I’m weak and lost. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Kathleen,

Thanks for taking the time to share with our community. We're writing to you today, because we are worried about you, based on your post, and wanted to let you know that we've asked our Support Service to reach out to you via email. You can also reach out to them on 1300 22 4636 (24/7).

Keep posting to let us know how you're feeling.
 

[Croix]

Dear Kathleen*~

This is a long message and might seem daunting to read all at once, so if you need to take you time and go bit by bit.

I now you have a thread of you own at:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Too tired

However I'm going to answer here in case it makes it easier for you - and also to maybe see in a fresh place new things are possible.

I know the things you do for others, work 45-55 hours a week, support your husband and 20 year old son, to give your 16 year old daughter the best possible start in life despite her attitude, and the regrets you have over your sweet 11 year old who does not get as much of you as you feel needs to be given.

I can understand why you have done all this. Despite your own opinion you are capable, intelligent, hard working and full of love. Now you are trapped by those very virtues.

You have only really made one mistake, and that too is common and understandable - you have over the years seen yourself as a bottomless well of love, care, help and capability. Sadly you are wrong, you have limits and you have far exceeded yours. You have reached the stage where you cannot even help yourself properly, driven as you are.

I too regarded myself as infinitely capable and like you wanted to kill myself and in fact went further as the whole of life became impossible. I saw all this as my failure, my weakness, my lack of strenght -and many other things along those lines. Tiredness could not begin to describe how I felt.

I'm a different person now, with occupation, accomplishment, satisfaction and love - both given and received.

I came to medical support very late, and that made things worse. The turning point for me was - I beleive - being in hospital. Looking out at the world from a place where the were no demands, none expected and no obligations.time could pass without duties.

I cannot say I enjoyed the ward, and escaped into books, however some there were kind, and the separation from all my duties, relationships and life was a balm to the soul

You can have no idea of balm until you have felt it for yourself

I cannot say it is the right thing for you as I'm not a doctor, however I suspect it might be. Please no not be dissuaded by explanations to family, or worry they will not make it without you

ACT FOR YOU SELF THIS ONCE PLEASE. You are a worthy person who deserves life - a better life.

I would take it as a personal favor if you continued to talk here (or your own thread).

Croix

[Kathleen_]

Thank you for replying, I never know how to respond to people that seem to care. The thing is that I don’t think I have the energy, care for myself, time, desire (whatever it is) something in me just doesn’t want to help myself

[MsPurple]

Hi Kathleen.

I know. Sometimes when it can be hard to know how to respond to people when in a bad place.I know it can be difficult for myself sometimes. But I know they have good intent, I also know I'd do the same thing if I was in their boat. I think you'd do the same in for anyone else.

So how have you been lately? Have you talked about your feelings to someone. I know when my brain goes to dark places I talking to my psychologist helps. I can be completely honest with them and they can help me through the tough feelings and thoughts I bury. I think maybe booking an appointment to see your psychologist (or finding one) would be really beneficial.

Although us forum users are awesome we can not give instant responses. There is a chat section on the bottom left of the page if you need more instant responses

[Croix]

Dear Kathleen*~

Thank you for replying.

There is no need to worry about how to respond, what one is right down then just saying that you received and read is quite enough. You have done that - plus more.

You said it seems like there is something inside you that does not want to help yourself. That is understandable, I went though similar, which is one reason why I was resentful when even the gentlest help or inquiry was offered.

I guess one gets on a sort or treadmill, putting all our energies into just keeping going, one foot after another. There is nothing left to try new things or change - or even imagine them.

That is why it takes help, a hand to steady you off that wheel and help you simply stop the repetitive and destructive action.

A simple call - perhaps to the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) done in a moment when none can hear could be the start on the way you. Let them know about your life and the only reason you are here is fear of consequences.

People such as these are here for people like you, they are not puzzled or unsure, they are used to desperate circumstances and are caring and practical.

I personally recommend them.

Croix

[Byrnzzee]

basically the only think thats keeping me here is the affect that it will cause on my family and friends. I want to end my pain not create more for them. I wish I could do it without hurting anyone 😕

[youcantknow]

First of all, I'm so glad you chose to stay!

The only reason I'm still here is because of my family and friends, i couldn't do that to them leave them behind! put them through all that pain. if i lost my brother i don't know what i would do, i would never want to put him through that pain, i love him too much.

anyone else who is thinking of leaving this world know that life will get better, know that there is someone who loves you and wants you to stay, there is always HELP just learn to ask for it!

[David Nobody]

Doubts and Guesses

I doubt that I would ever kill myself...
It does feel good to think about it though
Giving me some small amount of control
Puts me in the driver’s seat for a change
I don’t quite know exactly what stops me
Probably thinking about two children
My children. They are my only reason
And that reason is getting very faint

I doubt that I could ever kill myself
So thinking it, is just a waste of time
It shows me that I have zero control
I’m never in the driver’s seat... ever
I guess I do know what is stoping me
It is the thinking about two children
Those two girls. They are my only reason
And I’m holding on, as tight as I can