Like others I think of suicide basically constantly.
It's like a someone whispering in me ear that I can't stop as my life otherwise is (mostly) ok.
I told my parents again but they just said Im an attention seeker that using it as an excuse not to work.
That is far from the trust as when I tell them I'm suicidal they laugh and then get angry.
It's so difficult as it makes my suicidal thoughts worse but they seem completely oblivious.
Anyway stay safe all.
Hi Chris, or hurts so much to hear those words, and I just wanted to support u in saying u are worth th4 care Ur mum isn't giving u. I hope u can do some self care and not buy into her words,
strong, intelligent, and highly successful ppl also experience pain and distress, I don't see how seeking treatment to improve one's health makes one bad or anything she said. Good on u for being so smart and thinking independently, outside of some of the limited and limiting opinions u have been exposed to. Hope Ur OK.
We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support.
In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:
• Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now
• If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.
Hi Chris Tas,
Thanks for reaching out to us, I’m sorry you are feeling this way at the moment.
Chris please hang in there and please use the contacts that Sophie has given to you if you feel you need to.
I understand when you are clean things may seem out of control on the inside but please know this is temporary, with the correct help you will be able to recover.
I know you are a great person Chris and you have a lot going for you, things will get better for you.
Please seek the help you need Chris, as many times as you need it’s ok to keep seeking help.
We want to see you well.
Please feel free to keep checking in with us anytime.
For some, it's so hard to make it through depression without drinking. I was one of those people who drank my way through much of my depression. Even right through into the early years of motherhood, I drank to some degree, before coming out of my depression.
Do you find you're an emotional drinker, you drink to feel a certain way? Perhaps it's not even a matter of wanting to feel happiness, could be a matter of turning the volume down on feeling sadness. Drinking to feel a sense of 'numbness' is also about drinking to feel. I drank for mind altering reasons. As I imagine you'd know, this way of managing depression comes with consequences, one of them involving alcohol being a depressant. Even though I knew this fact during my depression, I still drank, I still cycled through my relief and depression. It's so tough Chris. In hindsight, I've come to be far more understanding and kinder to my younger self for the questionable choices I made.
Without counseling/guidance in making it through depression, it can be hard not to drink. I think there has to be somebody there saying in some way 'The sober thoughts and feelings are horrible, torturous and incredibly sh*tty at times (an understatement). They're a part of the overwhelming challenge that comes with making your way through depression. You're in depression for a reason or a number of reasons and even if you don't fully understand all those reasons, just know you are feeling the reasons. The more intense the reasons, the more intense the feelings'.
Not sure if the following will help but I'll put it out there in the hope that it does in some way: The feeling of self sacrifice in depression was something I felt to be overwhelming at times. It wasn't until coming out of 15 or so years in depression that I came to better understand what it was about. Putting the incredible longing to escape the ongoing pain aside, it was about self, the sacrifice of self. Who was this self who suffered so much? She was, in part, the people pleaser who painfully tolerated other people's displeasure, the cruel judge who was conditioned to judge herself so harshly, the girl who had passions that others ridiculed, the wife who'd depressingly sacrificed her natural sense of self so as to keep the relationship alive etc etc. That self had to go. Life had become depressing and intolerable through that sense of self. I had absolutely no idea who I truly was beyond that self until I began to let go and find out.
No problem, no need to respond unless you feel the need 🙂
As a mum, it pains me to hear the cruel words your parents have said to you over time. Harsh but if my dad was to say this to me, what your dad said to you, I imagine my response would be 'Well, doesn't that make you a pretty sh*tty producer. I'd be spending some time looking at exactly how you tended your garden Dad. You may be surprised to find areas of obvious neglect'.
I believe, it's my calling in life as a mum to be a guide for my kids right through to my last breath. If they have managed to stray off their path to the degree where they feel so lost or so damaged, it's then I'd feel the need to question the ways in which I have lacked guidance for them. While kids, no matter their age, may make some questionable choices in life and may need to take a degree of responsibility for those choices, it's at those times that perhaps the guidance needs to be stronger than ever, in a variety of ways. While it may be easy to be a critic toward our kids, the challenge remains to be their guide. While no one has ever said parenting is easy, what must be said, at the very least, is that it should not be cruel.