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Suicidal but not suffering.

Riss_M
Community Member

Hi,

Just wanted to jump on here and explain where I am at.
At the moment I have extreme ideation, but I don’t necessarily feel sad or depressed.
I have the best job, I honestly love it. My family is amazing. I can enjoy my day, smile and laugh; and I even feel like I have things to contribute.

I see value in my work and in my family life, but I still want to die. 

I know it’s a common saying that people don’t really want to die, they just want their suffering to end; but I don’t feel as though I’m suffering,

I feel like the same way that people don’t like cats, some people don’t like life.

I absolutely know the devastation that my death would cause. I know that people care about me, I know I’m loved, I know that I have things to offer the world; so I am very confused about why I am feeling the way that I am.

just wonder if anyone can relate or share their perspective of what’s happening for me right now.

Much love x

6 Replies 6

geoff
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Riss_M, you may not be suffering in a true sense, because your life seems to be travelling along as you would expect, which is good, however, below all of this, there could be a fear of what's going to happen in the next decade, which nobody actually knows, although people lay down a forecast of the possibilities.

Whether you are frightened of what may happen to your health or the people you love or it could be from the current world events that scares you which are all realistic are also a oory for most of us, may be you can let us know.

Geoff.

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Riss_M,

Thank you for finding the courage to post about your confusion in our forum. This internal strength can help you through the difficult times.

We understand that you are confused becaus you are having significant thoughts of suicide and it doesn't make sense to you.

We can think of a few possible reasons you might be struggling with these thoughts.

One possibility is the one Geoff mentioned, potential fear of what is to come.

Another possible reason might be something that occurred in your past which you may or may not be able to remember consciously, that is similar to things that are going on for you now.

Please post more so we might be able to help you find the concealed things that might be encouraging those thoughts.

Please remember that we are here for you.

Sophie M.
 

Riss_M
Community Member

Hi Sophie,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.

Regarding what you said about the past, yes, I have experienced trauma throughout my life. I was sexually abused for 11 years growing up.
However I do not understand and can’t comprehend the ties this would have to my present.

Day to day I don’t think about what happened to me. I hardly think about it at all. I don’t feel like I am in pain inside.

I guess I do struggle with imagining a future for myself. But more so than that, thinking about the pointlessness and monotony of life is what makes me not want to exist.

I don’t understand the point in being happy, I don’t understand doing things you might enjoy - it all just feels empty. In a way it almost feels selfish to enjoy life.

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Riss_M

I feel for you so much given all you've been through in the past as well as the challenges that you currently face when it comes to making sense of your thoughts and feelings. Seriously tough when you're trying to make sense of things that just don't make sense.

I think people can think and feel the way they do based on a variety of factors. As a gal who faced quite a number of years in depression in the past, my way of thinking and feeling life then is very different from what it is now. With the benefit of 2 different perspectives I can recognise the compulsion to end things from 2 different angles. In depression, it was more so about the compulsion to end the mental and emotional sufferance based on it being unbearable and exhausting after so many years. Now, when I feel myself entering into what feels like a depression, it becomes an alarm in a way. That feeling alarms me to the need for a part of me to be laid to rest. Life can't go on constructively until I've sacrificed a part of myself that's slowly killing me, a part of myself that depresses me. Whether that part or aspect is 'The people pleaser' in me, 'The suppressor of emotion', 'The self punisher', the sense of self that favours lazing too much or something else, it just has to be put to rest. The up side of this is...when some aspect of self is laid to rest, another part comes to life in its place. When that new part comes to life it can bring with it a lot of new revelations and emotions. I recall first feeling the emotions that come with pure happiness, when I laid to rest a certain aspect of myself. Can recall thinking 'Oh my god, this is the kind of happiness people speak about. No wonder they're so excited all the time'. Until then, when it comes to happiness, I'd only ever experienced a basic sense of happiness. Basic just doesn't cut it a lot of the time. Ongoing 'basic happiness' can actually get a bit depressing, if that makes sense. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like it's enough. There's got to be more to life than feeling basically happy. 'Out of control happy' has a whole different vibe to it.

Not sure if any of this is relatable. Just thought I'd throw it out there in case it might help.

Being a major 'feeler', someone who's sensitive to feelings, there are times where I'm led to ask 'Why am I not feeling?' or 'What am I not feeling?'. I think our feelings have a bit of a volume knob to them. What or who has turned the volume up or down can become the question.

 

Marymag
Community Member
Thanks for sharing. I have had plans. Ive had them for years.
My life is wonderful too, but i get little joy from anything anymore.
i dont want to hurt my family by doing anything harmful, but i also dont know how much longer i can last.
Helps a touch to know I'm not alone in this.

If you are feeling suicidal.

Seek help immediately, as I assure you it can get worse.

Plus it's ok inside hospitals, I'm a Lawyer and met better people there (in my multiple visists) than in my profession.

Do it or at least consider it