Partner runs away when I'm suffering

[Crepe Myrtle]

This is the third time time in 8 months that my partner has abandoned me while i'm in crisis. First time i was bedridden with illness for 2 weeks, he obviously couldn't cope. Second time was the anniversary of my mother's death. He didn't understand my grief.

A couple of weeks ago my best friend woke up in hospital, almost died.

My dog is dying.

Last week he was trying to put me in hospital to help me after self harming. That same day he packed his car (I didn't know this) and next day he was gone.

I've been getting help from local mental health people & have more appointments next week.

Why must he abandon me? His way of dealing with things is to pretend they don't exist, so right now it's me who doesn't exist.

I'm angry. I'm also super strong. I'm also fragile & vulnerable.

I'm spending my time caring for my dog and trying to care for myself but the self harm has increased and I don't want to be here anymore.

Sending love to all those who are suffering alone.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Crepe Myrtle,

This sounds like a really difficult and isolating time. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you. We are concerned about you and have been in touch with you privately to offer some support through this time.

Is there anyone you're talking to about this? It sounds like you could really do with talking things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here (11am-midnight AEDT) anytime you feel like talking things through. We're here for you anytime. There’s also some really good pointers here for finding support through a trying time. You could also speak to  Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. 

We can hear you're dealing with thoughts about self-harm, and thoughts of not wanting to be here. That's incredibly difficult to be dealing with. If you're feeling unsafe, or unable to avoid acting on dangerous thoughts and feelings, it’s really important to call 000 or present to an emergency department.

We’d really recommend having a look at the Beyond Blue safety planning app. You can read about how it works and where to download it here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning You can even call Lifeline (13 11 14) and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, it must have been difficult to write this post but you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience. Please keep sharing whenever you feel comfortable to do so. We're sure our warm and kind community will spot your post and offer their support soon.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Pandemica]

Hi Crepe Myrtle,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through and I know from personal experience that feeling alone makes it so much harder.

Just know that you don't have to be alone. Though it is unfortunate that for whatever reason, your partner cannot be there for you just know that there are others, (like the people in this community) that are more than willing to listen to what you are going through.

Sophie has also provided you with some great resources in the safety plan app, the suicide callback line and the BB chat services.

I am really glad that you were able to reach out in this space and would encourage you to keep doing so.

[Crepe Myrtle]

Thank you Sophie,

I've always been uncomfortable talking on the phone, let alone to complete strangers. But I had a good talk (well mostly cried) to one of the counsellors who was so supportive and listened without judgement. I was reminded that I am strong and was able to get through the rest of the day with a little more peace.

Thanks to all of you for your support.

[Crepe Myrtle]

Hi Pandemica,

Thanks for your response. It's sometimes hard to remember that there are people who really do care.

My partner hasn't returned but we had a good talk and are trying to learn how to listen and be more supportive of each other. He has a lot of stress in his life and I understand that he has trouble facing up to things.

I'll be using forums and support services like this one more often so i can take some burden off him and not feel shattered when he doesn't respond to my needs.

Thank you for your words, I'm not alone after all...

[geoff]

Hello Crepe Myrtle, having a partner who keeps running away when something they are unable to face is certainly no support what's so ever to you, especially when that's all you are looking for.

Even if you are able to talk about a particular situation, you still have to worry about what you say, in fear he will run off again, which is currently happening and not giving you the much needed guidance and support.

There have been issues you have been struggling with that required someone to talk with and to give you assistance and it must be awful when anything happens that your partner is not able to cope with and then disappears.

In life much happens in good and bad, but it's not fair that you both can share the good times but have to struggle on your own when the bad times occur, how then can you learn to cope if you are by yourself.

This isn't reasonable at all but so pleased you have joined this site, we want to help you through thick and thin at all times.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Crepe Myrtle]

Hi Geoff,

You're absolutely right, it's not reasonable that my partner, the one person i should be able to turn to, can't be here when i need him.

I really don't ask for much.

On the positive side i'm trying to turn my thoughts of self harm into thoughts of self love. If he can't love me i'll have to love myself.

Besides, i have a sick old dog who needs me and i promised i'd be here for her. She's been my best friend for so long and i won't let her down.

Thanks for your support.

[Shay123]

Hey Crepe Myrtle!

I'm sorry that your partner has been abandoning you in times of need! It sounds like an incredibly difficult time!

From my experience, sometimes when really tough and confronting situations occur, one's partner may not be ready for that kind of experience or level of exposure. Of course no one ever really is and no one wants to go through such times but for someone who may not have had that level of experience in their own life it can be quite a scary time for them to because they may not know how to help or what to do...They may also be scared that if they say or do the wrong thing they'll make it worse. This doesn't make it any easier for you when he just leaves and I absolutely believe there are better ways to go about situations like these and handling them so that both people in the relationship are at a healthy level of understanding and are aware of how each other feels and why they are doing what they are doing and trusting that what they are saying is true.

I believe in situations like these, open and honest communication and conversations are vital to make sure that you're both on the same page and are aware of what each other's doing. As well as this, it'll be important to try and put yourself in your partners shoes as well and see the situation from their perspective and why they may be feeling and behaving the way they are. It's difficult for both sides but to ensure that you and your partner don't end up in conflict I suggest, open and honest communication (and if a difficult conversation needs to be had then unfortunately that'll have to happen too), an open mind and a certain level of understanding for your partner. In saying all this it is also very important to be kind to yourself during times like these and to do what you can but don't beat yourself up over things that you may not be able to do right now. Nobody's perfect, but anyone can reach out, start a conversation and do their best with the situation their in

[geoff]

Hello Crepe Myrtle, write down the times you enjoyed so much with your dog, you will treasure these times in years to come because only one dog can do these, sure other dogs do similar but not exactly the same, that's why we love them so much.

My best.

Geoff.