Just hopeless and tired…

[Pennieee]

I am going through another bad time of my life and I just can’t seem to get over it. I’ve had these feelings before and they have gone away and now they’re back. I just feel hopeless and empty. I have thoughts of not wanting to wake up so I don’t have to feel this way anymore but I never thought of how…nor have any plans to. They’re just thoughts of what if…I still turn up to work, still smile and say ‘I’m good’. I just wish someone or something can pull me out of this mesh I have in my mind. I just don’t know what else to do…I don’t think I want to harm myself. But the thoughts of not wanting to live anymore just won’t go away…

[Sophie_M]

Dear Pennieee,
 
Welcome to our supportive forums’ community, thank you for having the strength to seek support when faced with these negative thoughts. We are sorry to hear that you are having feelings of ‘not wanting to wake’ and that you are just going through the motions at present.
 
You mention having felt this way before and that it went away, was there anything that aided in this moment of recovery? You have not mentioned any professional assistance you have previously or currently used when you feel hopeless and empty. Have you engaged with your local GP? As this would be a great place to start with your journey of recovery.
 
If the thoughts of ‘not wanting to live’ are increasing, please consider contacting Suicide Callback Service (call on 1300 659 467) or Lifeline on 13 11 14 or at Lifeline. Support services such as these and Beyond Blue are here for you during your time of need, you don’t have to face these struggles alone.
 
When you are feeling overwhelmed by these thoughts, it can really help having someone to talk to and provide support. Please contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat, we are available 24/7.
 
The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. It can assist to manage the thoughts and urges before they become overwhelming.
 
Please remember that if you feel you are having trouble resisting urges to act on your negative thoughts or you do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.
 
Thank you again for joining our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Pennieee

My heart goes out to you as you face such a deeply depressing time, with such a great amount of hopelessness and emptiness. Depression is so brutal the way it can take such a soul destroying turn. I think, sometimes we can't always see the direction we're heading in until we can definitely feel the turn.

I'm sure you've asked yourself a million questions at this point, such as 'Why am I feeling this way? Why can't I get out of this? Why does it feel so brutal this time? Why has it returned when I thought I'd managed feeling this way the last time?' and the list goes on. With such periods really testing us, it can be hard to pinpoint the exact reason as to what leads one to such a state of deep despair.

Sometimes the clues are in the lead up, the kind of stuff that leads up to us reaching the peak of our tolerance levels, before spilling into what we just can't tolerate anymore. A few examples, so you know where I'm coming from

• 'I can handle this grief. I've got it. I can manage it' is one mantra we can repeat until we just can't tolerate the grief we're trying so hard to manage
• 'I can't stand this job. I hate this job. This job is exhausting and unfulfilling and I dread going to work' can led up to the job one day just feeling so depressing
• 'I can tolerate having no really inspiring people around me. While it's disappointing, I can live with it'. All good until the lack of inspiration becomes deeply depressing. A depressing lack of something definitely has a feel to it

Tricky thing about depression is sometimes the reasons are far from obvious, such as with depressing levels of sleep apnea, a depression B12 deficiency, a depressing level of ongoing fatigue that comes with stress (chronic fatigue). Can't feel the exhausting nature of ongoing stress until you can finally feel it. It can become deeply depressing. Another factor can come down to not generating enough energy. I discovered for myself, I have to generate enough energy in order to feel it, otherwise I'm left feeling nothing but 'empty'. For me, a depressing lack of energy is a major trigger for dark internal dialogue and depression.

Can you pick the lead up to where you now find yourself? Are there possibly a number of depressing factors in play?

[Pennieee]

My dad and I don’t really get along well... It has gotten better in the past few years…, that’s what I thought. Recently, we’re had another fall out and I don’t think I can tolerate this anymore. I am in my late 20s and is living with my parents and siblings. I have had thoughts and really wanting to move out. I have a stable job and a loving partner who can support me. I am held back by my mum, she wants me to stay by her side. I love her so and my siblings so much. I don’t hate my dad but his words, they’re so hurtful... I have poured my heart out to my mum even telling her I might do something regretful one day if this keeps going on, but I don’t know if she can’t or won’t understand my feelings. I told her I need to move out for my mental health and I am not walking out on the family. But it seems like she doesn’t  understand?I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO?? I love my family but I can’t live like this anymore. I feel guilty for wanting to be free to be away from my dad, but I will always be stuck and unhappy if I keep staying here. I FEEL SO TRAPPED…BROKEN…and alone…

[Pennieee]

Hi! Thank you for sparing some time to read my post. There are a thousand things going in my head yet I feel so empty. I just feel like all those problems will never go away… I cry myself to sleep every night in the past few days…I’m just so tired of being like this…I feel so stuck..and trapped…but I don’t know how to get out of it…

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Certainly it is time you moved out. Your mum doesnt understand but it is your life to progress with and I'm fairly certain your relationship with your dad will improve over time after your move.

Independence is something that should be encouraged unless there is specific goals to focus on like saving for a home etc. Even so I think your dad is likely feeling crowded and looking forward to a life with just him, with visiting children. Your mum is holding onto apron strings and that isnt a good thing.

Parents often know best but sometimes they are choosing emotion for themselves as their love is so strong. She can see you without dad sometimes at a cafe at the local shops.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Pennieee

I've found, at times, the process of trying to sort things out can be such a brutal sometimes deeply depressing and highly exhausting process. It can even lead to great anxiety. When there's nothing to sort or work out, life definitely feels so much easier.

To be asleep to what's wrong points to that old saying 'Ignorance is bliss'. We can gradually wake up, recognising one wrong thing at a time (while fixing one thing at a time as we go along), or suddenly wake up to everything that's wrong, all at once. That 2nd scenario is a tough one to say the least. I used to think becoming more conscious was a wonderful kinda 'unicorns and rainbows' happy liberating experience. Over time, I've come to realise it doesn't always work that way. When you wake up to all that's not working, what you face is a stack of challenges. When you've got all those challenges swimming around in your head, it can literally become sickening and exhausting. The dialogue can get pretty dark too: 'I'm hopeless. I'm never going to work this out. I can't handle this sufferance. Why does everyone else have it all together? What's wrong with me?' and on it goes.

While I've had a few minor breakdowns in my life, the one significant thing these breakdowns have led me to have to do is break down everything into manageable pieces, in order to make better sense of the overall picture. The first thing I'm led to ask is 'Can I solve or resolve this on my own or do I need guidance from someone around me?'. As a 52yo gal, I still need guidance on occasions based on some of my challenges being ones I've never had to manage before. Establishing a circle of people can sometimes be the call. Whether the circle includes someone to help me manage mentally (pulling me out of dark internal dialogue or helping me make better sense of things), someone to help me physically (such as a doctor or someone who's a master in different areas of natural medicine), someone to help me financially (perhaps draw up a budget), someone to encourage me to vent, someone to help me in more soulful ways etc etc, it all depends on what it is I face. At times, I may need everyone in that circle during an incredibly challenging overwhelming time.

Any ideas on what kind of person or what kind of people you need in your life right now? What would your ideal circle of 'go to' people look like?

[therising]

Hi Pennieee

I just saw your post, regarding your home situation. You face such an incredible challenge and I feel for you so deeply as you question your loyalty, to your mum especially.

I imagine, from your mum's perspective, you are a joy to live with. Being a mum myself, I can say both my kids are a joy to live with (20yo daughter and 17yo son). They bring me so much joy. My husband is not such a joy to live with at times, although he is making efforts to change in ways which serve us as a family unit. Btw, not saying we're super easy to live with (the 3 of us). My kids and myself are a great team and I imagine what it would be like to lose one of the team members, with one of my kids making the decision to move out. Although I'd want them to stay to some degree, I'd also like to see them advance in a number of ways beyond the family home, like I did when I was in my 20s. I'd say to them 'You're loyalty is to yourself in this case. Be true to yourself and the deep need you feel to evolve at this point in your life'.

If your mum wants you to stay partly because you make it easier for her to live with your dad, you can't be expected to stay and help them manage a relationship they perhaps need to work on at this point in time. That's not your responsibility. Do you think saying to your mum something along the lines of 'I'm going to move out for a while and see how things go, see if my mental health improves' might make it easier for her to accept you leaving? If things improve greatly you may not feel the need to return, unless it's just to visit. Maybe look it as a short term plan if that makes it easier for now. A plan for the year ahead, with a supportive partner.

[Pennieee]

Hi therising!
It has been long since I’ve last logged into here. Thank you for responding to me. It has also taken me this long to finally tell them I want to move out for my own mental health and the result wasn’t very relieving…Coming from an Asian family, they believe a girl should only leave her family when she gets married, otherwise you’ll be seen as disgraceful and disrespecting your family. 
I truly don’t know how to feel anymore. I have a very supportive partner, and he has always wanting to get married but it is me who think we should be more financially stable. It just very hurtful and frustrating to know that marriage is the only option to leave the family without judgement and criticism. I just always believed marriage is a happy decision not a way for me to ‘escape’. I love my partner and I think we will get married but I feel also sad because it is decided when I’m the most broken. 
I just feel so disappointed and hopeless. It is also the first time I have let my dad know that I have depression and guess what the response to that was? That it was my fault that I am that way; It is my problem that I take things that way; that I am crazy. 
I always thought family will be the treatment to your sickness but I guess not all families….

I just wish I could be in a better place than I am now…don’t worry I’m not going down that path… I just wish someone would take all this pain and sadness away. 
Thank you for spending your precious time reading my vent 🙂 

[Pennieee]

And also, your kids must be really lucky to have you as their mum! I wish you and your family all the best!