Just give me a break!
Hello Kitty, I'm sorry as your post is very sad and feel so much for you.
You love your child and that's what they want, but realise that nothing seems to going how you would want it to be and this can certainly happen when a person not only hears some bad news but also when they are suffering from any type of depression because negative thoughts dominate our mind and it doesn't allow us to see any positives in life.
It is with great despair knowing about your health issues and all we want to do is help you through this, so want to encourage you to tell us a little more, then we can understand what you are trying to cope with, and please don't be frightened as all of us have had to cope with our own type of depression and do appreciate that we can learn from what you say and then try and assist you.
The best mum any child can have is a mum who loves them endlessly, to the best of her ability. This is always the kind of mum I try to be. Our ability will always vary, based on our health, our perspective, our energy levels, our challenges, our stress levels etc.
I feel so deeply for you, given all that you're facing. Took me years to work out why I struggle so much at times. I discovered a lot comes down to who surrounds me. While I used to beat myself up terribly for being so 'hopeless', 'worthless', 'incapable' and so on, what I've come to ask over the years is 'Who around me impacts my sense of hope, value, capability, confidence, sense of direction and more?'. While we can be working hard when it comes to facing major challenges, there are times where others around us just aren't putting in the same hard work and it's just not on. While a doctor can give us news such as 'You have this issue and there's not much we can do about it', that's just not on. 'FIND AN AVENUE FOR ME TO CONSTRUCTIVELY TRAVEL DOWN. DON'T SIMPLY WIPE YOUR HANDS OF THIS!'. While we are intensely sensing the struggle in our challenge and how it brings us down or works us up to stress, we can have people around us saying 'You're too sensitive, you need to relax'. This is just not on. We should say 'WORK HARDER ON FEELING FOR ME. WORK HARDER ON CHANNELING THE SAME FEELINGS I'M FEELING. DON'T SIMPLY TELL TO BECOME INSENSITIVE TO MY STRUGGLES, TO SIMPLY NOT FEEL THEM!'. If we're in a relationship with the other parent of our child, for our partner to say 'That's your job, to raise them through their challenges, I'm simply the breadwinner of the family, we have every right to treat them as the disinterested 'cash cow', demanding they bring more money in when finances become a serious struggle. Sounds brutal but such view is based on our partner's personal declaration.
You can be working so hard Kitty, where others fall way short. To be raising yourself in a life where others are content with doing next to nothing to help raise you defines you as spectacular. It defines you as powerful. As a powerful person who develops a constructive degree of intolerance and as someone who becomes more demanding through such intolerance, you have every right to demand of those around you 'Work harder when it comes to the ways in which you should be serving me best!'.
You're right Kitty, you shouldn't have to suffer and if no one understands, you have to ask 'What's wrong with them?'.
Im sorry that you are feeling this way.
I understand that it would be difficult to get bad news about your health, please tell us more if you want to.
Im sure you love your son very much.
When I had my children all I ever wanted to be was a mum and then I experienced postnatal anxiety and parental OCD it was a horrendous thing to go through and it wasn’t what I thought my life would be like while my children were babies.
I have recovered now after the professional help I received from health professionals.
Can I ask why you feel as though you can’t be the mum you wanted.
Here to chat
We really appreciate you coming to the forum to share with the community and find some assistance. It takes great strength and courage to write about our struggles and we want you to know that you are not alone.
If you are at risk of harm or unable to keep yourself safe, then it is important that you call 000 (triple zero) as this is an emergency.
Other phone services include Lifeline on 13 11 14, and Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467. We would also encourage you to contact our supportive counsellors on 1300 22 4636 or via webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/
Thank you again for joining our forum, and please remember that we are here to support you.
I understand your pain and thankyou Sophie_M for the super helpful post above
KItty.... you are strong for speaking from the heart as well as you do. Many people dont have the courage you do
Your well being is paramount here.....all other considerations are secondary
we are listening
I feel for you so very deeply while you face the torturous and exhausting battle depression brings about. From my own experience, I'd have to say it's like a hell on earth that wears you down in such a soul destroying way. Unless someone's faced the depths of depression, they can't fully understand how tough it truly is.
You are so much stronger than what you imagine. Having come out the other side of about 15 years of depression, there are times where I think 'I cannot believe I made it through that. I just can't believe it'. The daily battle of internal dialogue, the number of people around us who can sometimes test us in a number of depressing ways, the struggle to make sense of why we feel the way we do, the intense challenge that our internal chemistry brings about etc...it takes a strong person to manage that. It is a challenge not designed for the faint hearted. In it's simplest form depression is horrible. In it's worst form it is a life and death situation, which helps explain why some need a safety plan when going into the thick of the battle.
To be able to feel life so deeply Kitty is a blessing. To be able to feel life so deeply can also feel like a curse. To be able to feel our most depressing challenges and feel them from the heart can feel heartbreaking. You're a strong person with a good heart. You're a good mum who loves as deeply as she can while she battles with what has taken the lives of many who came before her, as she battles through depression. You're a warrior Kitty who perhaps does not fully recognise how strongly and courageously she's been fighting.
May sound a bit strange but do you have a battle strategy?