Hi Anonn_A
It's a truly horrible torturous brutal feeling, pain so deep and overwhelming it can lead us to tears. There is nothing like it, the way in which it feels like it reaches into our very soul. My heart goes out to you as you experience such incredibly deep pain.
I wonder whether you have anyone in your life who can relate to that pain while perhaps helping you make better sense of it, why it's there or how it's come to be. I find often it makes a significant difference when I have someone who can lead me to see the reasons when I just can't see them for myself. When they lead me to see more clearly and gain a better sense of how I'm feeling, I'm inclined to say 'No wonder I feel the way I do. It makes complete sense'. Sometimes I need a leader, a guide.
In relation to gaining a better sense of how I'm feeling, I've found the challenge is to go deeper. While imagining sadness is simply what we're feeling, going deeper means being able to feel or sense the reasons for that sadness. For example, if we thrive on inspiration or certain revelations that provide a sense of growth, 'no inspiration' has a feel to it. If we thrive on being led to adventure (adding ventures to life) and no one is showing us how to add constructive energising ventures to the repetitive ones we face, which can feel like a depressing groundhog day- like existence, that is something that can be felt too. Then when people say stuff like 'You have a good life, you should be grateful for what you have', we can feel the depressing dismissiveness in that comment. While we may have a life we are grateful for to some degree, such recognition and gratitude won't always make up for what's missing. So, while sadness appears to be what we're sensing, there can be so more at a deeper level that equates to that overwhelming sense of sadness. Sometimes there is just so much to make sense of, including a lot of the stuff that's not always obvious at first.
Do you have someone in your life who can help you make sense of things, in regard to what you're facing? They won't be someone who says stuff like 'You'll be right' or 'You just need to smile more often' (grrr, I hate that one) or 'You just need to stop overthinking' or 'You're being way too sensitive (grrr again). They may be someone who says 'It's horrible isn't it, it's brutal to feel in such a torturous way' or 'Let's work out these feelings together. Let's make sense of them together'.
