I want to ask for help
My school is year 3-12. We have exactly 1260 students as it's 180 per year and 180 for primary as a whole. It's select entry which makes it very exact which means every time someone leaves, we get someone new. Our school is famous for being the school of weed and 'gays', and I mean it's not wrong.
I like the idea of being a first responder or an emergency dispatcher as if I had a boring office job i'd feel like making it through high school wasn't worth it. Do you still want to be a teacher? I don't think I would be a good teacher. I can't talk to groups very well.
In English we're doing Macbeth. There's a part where Lady Macbeth commits suicide and the teacher spent a good 30 minutes trying to explain suicide. It made me really uncomfortable as it felt like a personal attack ( i haven't even committed suicide yet-it doesn't make much sense) so I zoned out the whole lesson. I'm fine with the idea of death, it seems peaceful. Do you know what you're studying this term?
I like to go down a rabbit hole of thinking about what death is and what happens when we die. It's a good time waster and it gets me through maths. I also like to people-watch. I like to imagine what people are thinking and what their lives are like. I always get jealous of the lives I make up for them ad it's quite annoying. Please don't judge this I know it's weird.
My mother is quite different to yours in the ay that she always wants me out of the house and doing something. She wants me to be like my sister who has heaps of friends, good grades, two jobs and her own car. I prefer to stay home and read crime/horror fiction and mess around on my laptop.
It's going to sound so boring but before I die, I want to spend a night in winter lying in bed with the heater on listening to the rain on the roof and just feel peaceful and happy.
more distracted now. The rush of people and assessments when you get back to school is terrifying honestly. How are you with school going back?
I'm a bit sore because I have the body of a 60 year old woman who has had 6 kids but who doesn't love the wonderful sound of bones clicking. That aside, I'm back to the waves of happiness and really bad suicidal thoughts. Within minutes I can go from fine to depressed back to fine. I would much rather be depressed all the time. It would be a lot less exhausting lol.
How are you? Do you like having distractions?
Your good friend forever
We're so glad that you are finding these forums to be a safe space to express your thoughts and feelings, and that you are findings connections with our wonderful community here. We just wanted to let you know that we are currently checking in with you through email, as we are worried about you.
We can hear how tough, and how exhausting it must be having these constant waves of suicidal thoughts, but please remember that support is always here for you. The friendly counsellors at Kids Helpline are always available, 24/7 on 1800 55 1800 or you can visit https://kidshelpline.com.au for webchat. Another great option is to reach out to our friends at Suicide Call Back Service who are always available on 1300 659 467 or through online chat at https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au
We hope that you continue to feel supported by your friends here, and feel free to keep us updated on how you are going whenever you feel up to it.
I like Macbeth tbh but I prefer Hamlet and Romeo and Juliet. Now that I think about it, all have a lot of bloodshed in them...
I get what you mean about social media, it can be comforting as a way to connect to people, and we all need that connection. It's easy to send photos, links, and check in with a bunch of people. It can be hard when your parents don't let you do things that your peers are doing. Like, everyone is on it and it can be difficult when parents don't understand that...
I'm glad you can come here now. Hope Macbeth isn't too horrible and you're doing okay.
PS i was wandering how your thoughts are at the gym, if it helps distract from suicidal thoughts? you absolutely don't have to answer . take care xxx
>"a night in winter lying in bed with the heater on listening to the rain on the roof and just feel peaceful and happy."
I guess I've found another area we are similar, bearing in mind this was nearly 70 years ago:
Kid are in some ways remarkably similar, irrespective of time or circumstance.. I still fondly remember the storms. Then again I do not die, I'm lulled to sleep and wake up in the morning to hot tea and porridge, a welcoming feeling to the day.
You know perfectly well what I'm trying to do, distract you, make you see your dreams can be those of others too - without the suicidal thoughts thank goodness. They came much later.
I write in that thread and drag out happy memories as a coping mechanism, which happens to work for me.
Looking at other people and wondering is good, being jealous silly, look for the clues they display and get a more accurate idea, even who they move towards and who away from are clues, so are their shoes, and ... well, you fill it in with facts to support or refute your fancies.
Lives of quiet desperation masked well is something that might apply to many. True happiness to others.
Can I ask what you are reading now?
I am deeply sorry for the late reply.
I have never been selected in a select school, always been rejected lol. My school is known as the "broken" and "rebellious" school.
I don't know if I want to be a teacher anymore, I have no idea what I want to be tbh. We did this Morrisby test and the counsellors advise what jobs may be good based on an individual's strengths and weaknesses, we are getting the results next week, I bet they say that they don't know what will be good for me because I don't have any strengths. First responder is a good choice!
It would have been uncomfortable hearing a teacher talking about suicide. My teacher did that once and explained suicide and the suicide rates in teenagers, it was uncomfortable and it was a trigger for me and I couldn't even tell anyone or the teacher to stop talking about it.
We are going to start a comparative essay about 12 Angry Men and Hidden Figures and look at prejudice and implicit and explicit bias also the conflict between Russia and America during the 1950s and 1960s.
I have never read any of Shakespeare's plays/stories. Do you like Shakespeare's plays?
I will never judge, I understand what you mean about thinking about other people's lives are like. Its not weird to feel a sense of jealousy when people seem so filled with joy around you. My 'friends' brag about their lives and going to places and make fun of me because I stay at home all day. I like to people-watch too, it gets me through science, I hate science the most.
Does your mum set expectations? My mum does that, she compares me to everyone, when she found out about my suicidal thoughts, she and my dad said this "people like you don't deserve anything and you are probably faking it, look at the people around you so happy."
Crime/horror fiction is a really good genre choice! I like sci-fi and crime fiction.
It does not sound boring, winter and the sound of rain is beautiful. It's so peaceful, calm and wonderful.
It is terrifying having to see this sense of rush and amount of assignments and having to show everyone that you are happy, school hasn't been great for me. Are you doing remote learning too?
I am deeply sorry that your suicidal thoughts are really bad and exhausting. Have you talked to anyone about it?
I don't know how I feel about the distractions of school, it can be overwhelming and a trigger.
How are you?
May every day be filled with the same joy, smiles and happiness you bring to others
Your friend forever
Do you have the results from the test yet? I really want to do it. It seems cool and I can't imagine what I'd get. My sister got a funeral director which isn't great, especially considering she is very smart.
Did you ever have to do a quiz about your body? e did it last year and it asked how much you weigh and what your body looked like. It wasn't anonymous. I didn't answer most of the questions.
The work your doing sounds much harder. we're just analysing the first scene of Macbeth at the moment. I have read Shakespeare before but only for school. I've never actually read it for entertainment. I don't think it's very interesting honestly but that's just me.
Science is awful. For the last two months I've been learning about atoms and now I can say that I know what a copper atom looks like. Absolutely useless. I can't see atoms. Why do i need to know about their electron arrangements??
People in my year don't brag as such, they just talk about their lives in a way that sounds as if it's perfect. 'I went to the beach yesterday in my new white bikini but it's a bit big for me because I'm too skinny. I had this amazing 20 dollar smoothie because I can afford it and I went home and posted a picture on Instagram'. Like come on. No one wants to listen to you go on about your perfect life.
My mother does set very high expectations and is always so disappointed. I am unable to get a job. I don't do enough exercise. I waste time. I'm always on my phone. I'm rude. Oh well, only four more years with her.
Sc-fi can be really good. Have you ever read 1984? It's a really interesting book. It's a little bit sci-fiey too. What's your favourite book? Everyone else I know is reading John Green and books about romance and I'm reading 'The Fleshouse' and other gory stuff. It makes it hard to understand what they're going on about. One girl has an obsession with gay characters in books and I will admit it makes me quite uncomfortable.
I only have two friends I would trust with anything. One is you, and the other is a girl in my year with a million mental illnesses. She's really sweet but also popular and sometimes I feel like she doesn't actually want to talk to me as she has much better friends.
Yesterday I skipped maths and hung out in the mental health guys office because I was too overwhelmed. Distractions aren't always great.
My anxiety is worse than usual but other than that I'm pretty okay. What about you?
Your good friend forever
The rain here was non-stop for a few days and only cleared up this morning. I went to the gym, however on the way out we discovered a line of cars. After waiting in the line for an hour, my dad went to check what was stopping us from moving. The entire gym driveway was flooded. It was still raining so there was no way we'd be able to drive out within the next few hours. So, we walked home. In knee deep water. At 7pm. Not.Fun.
In drama we are doing realism and we had the whole thing of 'think if a happy memory'. I couldn't think of anything. I spent 15 minutes and ended up imagining myself telling my mother every way she has messed me up. I very much want to do this but it'll make the next four years kinda awkward.
I'm reading a similar book by the same author (Stuart Macbride) with the same characters but I don't know the timeline. It's called 'In the cold dark ground' and it's exactly what it sounds like.
Even seeing people with all their flaws I am jealous. I know someone with a lot of stuff going on who is extremely popular for her personality and kindness. People actually like her for who she is. She also happens to be extremely gorgeous and I love talking to her, but I hate how jealous I am. It's disgusting. I shouldn't be wishing I was someone who's struggling.
I think maybe once I'm out of highschool everything will be a bit better. I know the whole 'life is meaningless because we all die anyway' thing will stay forever. I don't want to be happy if it means lying to myself. We're all going to die and there's no changing that. Why can't we just accept it?
I saw an ad for 'mandatory euthanasia after 80' and it really reminds you of your own mortality. It'd be interesting to see when people are going to bite it. I reckon lot of people have much less time than they think.
Dear April (with a wave to Neerja)~
I have some family business to attend to and cannot post as often as I'd like. As one of those people uncomfortably close to your euthanasia date 🙂 I get rather tired.
Reminds me of a SF dystopia book, movie and TV series called "Logan's Run" where in a closed society with limited resources to maintain a very high standard of living when one reached a certain age it was "Lastday" and that was that.
You probably wold not like it, it has a happy ending, given your liking for 'Tartan noir' with D/S Logan McRae. I too was a D/S to but never has such an exciting time.
You might prefer the SF dystopia movie Soylent Green which has a more gruesome theme, featuring anther detective, Frank Thorn.
I'm not sure how bad it wold have been to use that speech in your happy memories class, I bet it would be the best remembered, and more genuine (well you would have probably thought so at the time anyway) Tell them it is a future happy memory.
When you are struggling and in pain it is hardly surprising to be envious of another struggler if they appear to have advantages. You are too hard on you.
Maybe slogging along in deep water gave you as much exercise as the gym.
You asked why we can't just accept we are going to die. Many, myself included, do. I'm not worried about it and carry on simply bearing in mind prudent arrangements for that day, whenever - I could beat the odds and have another 20 years, or virtually nill, who knows.
It does raise a question, given all things, people, societies, even worlds all eventually end, why do I beleive is it worth doing something to the best of my ability and to be kind to my fellow man. Why do I think they matter? (No I'm not religious)
If you have though out the answer - please let me know, I'm still working on it:)
My cat walked over my laptop while I was typing and he left a message: I;llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll=====[ .
I hope the family business isn't bad family business. What do you think of the euthanasia at 80? Do you think it's a good idea? I think before they made it compulsory, they should at least make it more accessible to those wh need it.
I'll have a look at Logan's Run. It looks really interesting.
Don't downplay being a DS. That is very cool. What were some of the things you did? Logan Mcrae did some very cool yet very unbelievable stuff. I imagine you've never stuck pieces of a body from a slaughterhouse together. Well I mean, I hope you haven't done that. It sounds kinda traumatizing. Although a lot of first responders and crime scene investigators get desensitized to the blood and the gore. I listen to a guy's podcast in which he discusses his life as a 19 year old at a funeral home. A lot of scooping up brain mater, more than you'd think.
I'll have a look at Soylent Green as well. Is it on any streaming services?
I wish one day someone could invent something to get the exact date you die. That way you can spend the rest of your life freaking out that you're going to die when the only difference is you now know the date.
I think it's a human thing. We just want it to matter. We want to know things, and we want to be reassured that our short lives mean something. Our universe has been around for 14 billion years and will continue on, even once humans have finished destroying the Earth.
I don't know why everyone sees meaning, but that's my guess. I want to see meaning, but instead I'm just seeing reasons to find no meaning. This is starting to make no sense so I think I'm going to stop trying to be smart. The more I think about it, the more headachy I get.
I am really sorry for the late reply.
I got my results, they weren't great. But I got a secondary teacher, law clerk and finance; accountant. Life is going so quick, I can't believe I am 14 already. Have you ever felt that way? What job does your sister want to have?
Is your school doing the test?
We had to take a quiz once in year 7, it wasn't great, it was embarrassing. But it was anonymous, I understand why you didn't answer the questions, I would have done the same if it wasn't anonymous.
I think your school sounds harder, we are doing Shakespeare next year.
You are right, science is awful. We are doing atoms and atom configurations too, it's boring and horrible.
Haha, that's exactly the same for my school. They keep on going on and on. My 'friend' says to me, "I am going to the city tomorrow with x, y, z, I am soooo sorry you can't come and have a boring life. But we are going to have so much fun and buy so many things. And go to so many places." this is an everyday thing now lol.
Only 4 more years. My mum is the same, she is never happy and always disappointed and my dad too. Is your father like that too?
Sorry, I haven't read 1984. You have a good choice for books, books with glory stuff are amazing! I don't understand why people read romantic books. My favourite book is Faceless, it is about a girl who is a runner and part of the 'popular' group but she goes through a traumatic and painful incident where there is an electrical fire. She can't recognize herself, her parent's divorce, her boyfriend leaves her (he was a horrible person but comes back in the end, which is stupid), she can't run and her friends leave her and treat her differently. It's really sad and uncomfortable reading about this but its interesting to know what relationships are based on, conditional relationships, but the girl overcomes the challenges and it is inspiring to read about. What is your favourite book?
My friends are you and you are so trustworthy and kind, in school, there is a girl who is really nice but she has better friends and often leaves me.
Are you doing ok? I am really sorry that you were feeling overwhelmed and your anxiety is worse than usual. Are you feeling a bit better?
I am doing ok I guess, I have been feeling a bit low more than usual and there is too much schoolwork, I am behind in schoolwork.
How are you?
I am extremely grateful to have a friend like you. Thank you so much April.
Your grateful friend forever,