I want to ask for help
I had a look at the thread and it was quite interesting 'how can people forgive us if we haven't forgiven ourselves?'. Forgiveness is a funny thing. I could forgive myself, but I'll never stop thinking about it and I'll always regret it. A few of my mistakes don't just hurt me because I hate myself for it, it's more because they changed the rest of my life.
I go the gym a few times a week and I usually spend some time on the treadmill. I spend every second of it wanting to stop and I hate it. I've tried everything at the gym. Walking, jogging, running, biking, elliptical, weights, rowing, ladder and none of them help. I've gone from short walks to running until i felt like i would collapse.
Simply put, exercise doesn't make me happy. Even now that I do it regularly it doesn't change anything. I only do it so my dad doesn't yell at me for wasting his gym membership. I'm not going to stop doing it but it doesn't help.
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No way, you are NOT a trash person whatsoever.
Thinking differently WILL help you. Immensely.
When I was younger, I used to deflect ANY compliments someone gave me. All of them.
Then a person said to me "Why are you insulting me?"
I had to do a double take and ask "I didn't, I was saying that about MYSELF".
They said "That's offensive to me. I've given you a truthful compliment and you're saying I'm a liar by delfecting it. That's insulting".
I have never deflected a compliment since.
Sometimes I wonder if I've misrepresented myself lol, but it's the other person's feelings I don't want to hurt.
SO I say "Thankyou".
Even thinking those things without saying them is not helpful for you.
I don't like my school but it's better than most. A lot of kids wear platform heels or rainbow boots to school. I think teachers have realised that they can't stop drama students from going to school like that.. We have some very interesting teachers. One of our substitutes ties her dreadlocks in pigtails and adds ribbons and pipe cleaners. No one likes her but I think she's very sweet.
Sometimes I think it would be so good to be an adult. I'd only have to visit my parents maybe once a year to be polite. If we both make it and become adults, I'll try to find you on facebook (or whatever we'll be using in ten years) and we could talk again. I think you'll go quite far in the world as you're easy to talk to. Have you ever thought about what you would do as an adult like as in what job?
Do you ever think about that? The way people are so touchy on the topic of death and how it's just so taboo, even though it happens to everyone and it's completely natural. Why is it so hard for people to accept that I want to die? It's pretty simple and not that big of a deal. We all kick the bucket at some point.
I really hope the divorce goes well and there aren't too many arguments.
Short distance is sometimes better as it doesn't last as long but I don't like the feeling of being unable to breathe at the end so I'm gonna say I prefer long distance.
It's a bit of a cycle. I want to die, I feel guilty for wanting to die, I want to die etc.
All over the internet there are people who regretted it the second they took action to kill themselves. In real life, there are people who killed or tried to kill themselves the second they got out of hospital for a suicide attempt. People always say 'What about your friends, you'll regret it, your mother will be devastated'. My friends will get over it, dead people can't regret things and my mother is a trashy person so I hope she is devastated.
The cake incident was probably the oven's fault not yours. And anyway, I like eating cake batter so I would've eaten it anyway (don't judge lol)
I think I'm doing pretty well. I had to go out shopping with a toxic group because I didn't want them to be annoyed at me again for saying no. I managed to leave early so I sat in the park with a frozen coke and doughnut balls for a bit which was quite nice haha.
How are you? How are your thoughts? I really hope you're doing well and are happy.
Your good friend
I think being cruel has become our nature. We compete for other's attention and love and knock others down to get to the top. We're all toxic, even if we don't mean to be.
Same as Neerja, I don't have social media. I used to have it but my parents were mad at me as I couldn't get a job and took it. I like having it so I can see what everyone else is up to and I can talk to people. I think the toxicity is worse as an adult. I see that there are many negatives to it, but without it I can't go to birthdays or relate to anyone else my age. The thing is with or without social media, people are fake. I know so many people who will say one thing one day and the opposite the next for attention. It's disgusting what everyone will do just to get sympathy.
I know that growing up is meant to be one day at a time but that day is hell every single time. Escaping my parents and my life is literally four years away. To some people that sounds like not much but to me a week is long.
I'll have a look at her videos tomorrow. She seems quite interesting. There's a guy who made a documentary about his depression and different treatments he tested. It was very entertaining and I was surprised that antidepressants work so well for everyone. Mine just made me feel numb. They tried doubling my dose but I just felt like a fake happy. Like I needed to cry but I couldn't. My mother wants me to do hypnosis (I don't believe in that and it would make me uncomfortable) which is helpful for some people but won't work if you don't believe in it. Anyway, I'll tell you what I think later.
I've been reading along between you, Neerja, and EM and come up against that barrier, words and logic, no matter how true, don't really change a persons emotions, and it is emotion that gives you your view of life. A rather to cynical and limited one, but not surprising give your upbringing.
I don't use social media except for the organizations I'm in, having looked at it for a while I came to the conclusion that it attracts a certain type of person, leaving many not wanting much to do with it, so you are right, the people you see on social media may well try to win emotional praise by their fabulous family, possession, holidays and all the rest. A Kardashian world.
That is only a bit of it though, NF sings about the life he has had to live, no one-upmanship there, just showing others they are not alone and voicing pain.. Brené Brown does the same though experience and thinking. Helps you to know there are others in the world who look deeply.
So where does that leave you? It leave you knowing you have a discerning mind that sees though a lot of rubbish.
"We all kick the bucket at some point". Well, yes true. Come to think of it, unless you kill yourself or be killed by misfortune you have a long time ahead, four years can just be a fraction on it. If I play the averages I've somewhat less than 10, but who knows.
Life gives all sorts of opportunities. Sumo Cat would not be on my left "supervising", in fact he probably would never have made it out the animal rescue place. 8 years of living as (he thinks) a cat should is something worth having -for both of us.
Mrs Walrus (boy will I get into trouble for calling her that ) and I would not have enjoyed -really enjoyed - each other's company for 20+ years, and supported each other in bad times. she is honest, caring, steadfast (and pretty:) and does not like social media either.
I remember siting in a small rowing boat in a cave full of water, just enough head room. So far in it was pitch dark. Water smooth as glass. We turned a corner and there were a galaxy of tiny lights, in loops and festooned all over the walls, mirrored in the black water. Unearthly, unreal, overwhelming.
Those glow worms were a sight that has never left me. So much is buried in this earth
But isn't not being honest rude too.
I have done really stupid things, doesn't that make me trash?
In 14 years all I have done is waste oxygen and nothing else, doesn't that make me trash?
If I think differently, I will give myself false hope.
Your friend forever,
I have a teacher in my school who wears rainbow coloured clothes, she is really nice and has a unique choice of for clothing. Dreadlocks in pigtails and ribbons and pipe cleaners sounds really unique!
My school has hardly any space because it is Prep to 9, students aren't that nice, the school has many broken parts (one time the door almost fell down on someone, lol) and the teachers are ok, some are nice and lenient, some have too high expectations and aren't nice
If we make it to being adults, it would be amazing to talk again on social media, maybe our lives would be changed. I am horrible with talking to people face-to-face, I freeze and reply after so long, lol. Since year 7, I wanted to be a teacher but I realised that I couldn't be a teacher because I have trouble talking to people. I just get embarrassed and I haven't been outside my home a lot, so I get a bit anxious. What job do you want when you are in adult?
You are so right, talking about death is so restricted and people avoid it. Everyone is going to die at one point. It's natural, its normal. But the way people avoid talking about death is not normal lol. Like if you tell someone, I want to die, they will either overreact, tell everyone and ignore you. Then people say about people who have tried to kill themselves, "they should have talked about their problems" like there is someone that will listen. My school counsellor avoids talking about death, as much as she can. Something I don't understand is, why do people bother to live when they know they are going to die one day.
Does your mum treat you badly? I am really sorry you feel that she is a trashy person.
That is so true dead people can't regret things.
The cycle is same for me too, it keeps going.
No judgements at all. I love cookie dough and cake batter!
I am extremely glad that you are doing pretty well, that is really good! Haha, that is really good that you managed to leave early, lol.
My parents would never let me go shopping by myself or anyone else, lol.
Before my bucket is kicked, lol, I only want to have one good time, outside my house and I really want to go to an amusement park. What do you want to do when you bucket it kicked?
I'm doing ok, the thoughts are distracted because the school has started and teachers have been putting a lot of content this time, lol.
Its so true, being cruel has become our nature, lol.
How are you?
Your friend forever,
hello, hi, 😀 said:
1. But isn't not being honest rude too.
2. I have done really stupid things, doesn't that make me trash?
3. In 14 years all I have done is waste oxygen and nothing else, doesn't that make me trash?
4. If I think differently, I will give myself false hope.
Your friend forever,
1. If you think so.
2. If you think so.
3. If you think so.
The thing right there is that no one can change your mind.
Only you can.
No one can GIVE another person reasons for living.
That's up to each person to FIND that for themselves.
If YOU think you're trash then you will indeed be treated as such.
Until you change your mind.
Your thinking is not anyone else's responsibility but your own.
Sure crappy things happen and they happen to everyone.
I wouldn't dare call anyone an oxygen waster but some criminals, esp those that harm children.
This is YOUR opinion of yourself. Not mine.
We live with our most harshest critic for our entire lives - ourselves.
Make friends with yourself and begin to like and even LOVE yourself then things will change for you, meaning your OUTLOOK will change.
Not you nor I nor anyone has the power or control to change everything going on around us. That's a fact we accept as we grow up, if we grow up.
You don't have to tell everyone in your life everything. I don't. It's none of their business tbh.
It's called "tact". It's not dishonest, it's smart.
Thinking about your motivation to tell people things might help alot. Is it for sympathy? Empathy? Kindness? Understanding? IDK.
When my eldest daughter began talking like this I helped organise a Mission trip for her to go to India to help orphans in orphanages and lepers in leper colonies.
She worked VERY hard for these people.
She returned grateful. Humbled. Apologetic.
She's worked for those less fortunate ever since.
I hope you find your path Neerja, it's there for you to create.