I want to ask for help
Sorry for the late reply, it sure does sound like you have had a hard few days, the change in class is hard and if it is really upsetting you I think a chat to the welfare person is a great idea, to get some clarity as to why this has happened. However in saying that, just as he is not your direct teacher that does not mean that you cannot still reach out to him and have his support.
I hear what the psychologist has told you, to be nice to your parents until the next appointment, I hope that they have given you some other tools to manage when you don't agree or when you feel like you want to lash out and respond? Like some self talk that can bring you out of that space in that moment and some activities like writing it out and getting what you would have liked to have said in that moment but didn't so that it is out of you. Also, what was the message for your parents? were they told to cut you some slack too?
NOW, you are not stupid, you are not a horrible person and you are not disgusting. I am glad that you purged all that negativity out here, I hope it did feel good, but once again this self hate is thoughts, it is part of the struggle in which you are experiencing and not the truth. Ill mental health does not care if you are at your friends house and should be having a great time, it does not have truth or care or reason, it just is, but the fact you are out there, being with your friend and engaging in life is awesome. You can tell those thoughts to rack off, you are having some time for you and you will deal with them later.
I am sorry that you feel that you need to escape from you and that you are such a horrible person and cause damage, can I ask what damage you have done? Why are you so horrible? It is not the person I am getting to know and like, I am sure I haven't missed anything, I DONT see a person who is horrible and who is not disgusting.
Can you tell me some of the things you like about yourself, I will tell you three of mine that I like about you and you can share three with me:
You are strong, it takes courage to post here
You are very emotionally intelligent and have a very good understanding of your feelings
You have the courage to be you, to wear your pink and purple hair with pride and own it
These are just three so if you feel comfortable to ..over to you..I would like to hear three things that you like about you?
I am going to make a coffee and get out in this lovely sun today, what are you doing today?
My psychologist told me she wants to see if it makes any difference in the way I am treated by them. Being nice has made no difference apart from getting yelled at because I sounded too cheerful and that meant I was being sarcastic (I was trying to be nice, it was not sarcastic).
I'm trying to lose weight on my own as I know it's not healthy to continue like this and I'm disgusted by the way I look. very time I eat I feel guilty and regret it. I can't really get help as my mother gets very touchy when it comes to my weight.
I can't say I love being around my friends as they can often be judgemental and sometimes quite mean but I think that might be just me being sensitive and I can't complain about having friends.
In the last bit, you said you understand and like me which I don't really get. All I've done is complain and whine about how awful my life is when it really isn't that bad compared to most. Thank you for the support.
The whole 'being nice to my parents' thing was an experiment. She wants to see if they would be any nicer if I'm incredibly nice to them and allow myself to be pushed around. I only have to do it until my next appointment and she doesn't expect me to benefit from it. I asked her not to tell my parents anything. They send me to therapy to get fixed so I'll be a kind loving child. If they know I had an issue with their parenting and was telling my psych, I would get in a lot of trouble.
It's raining right now where I live and I just realised that rain used to be a comforting thing for me, the heavy rain on the roof would lull me to sleep, but now I hate it. I cry myself to sleep most nights and the rain just adds to 'the dramatic effect'
You told me to write three nice things about myself and I spent all day thinking. I sound so vain and I'm sorry
- I'm not bad at rewriting monologues (specific I know)
- I can bake (but I shouldn't, I need to lose weight)
- I can't think of the last one
Today (well tomorrow) I'm going to school, catching up on assignments I didn't do, working on future assignments, studying and most likely procrastinating by sitting in front of the tv for hours. I'd go for a walk but I really need to do my assignments and also I'm lazy and quite useless.
I will admit I strongly disagree with you saying I'm not a horrible person. I'm a slob, my room is a mess and I don't shower every day because I can't pull myself out of bed. I never exercise, I eat way too much most days, otherwise,I don't eat at all. I procrastinate my schoolwork and do it all the night before then wonder why my grades are going down. I spend an hour each morning making myself look presentable because I'm so vain that all that matters to me is my appearance. I tell others things that will make them feel sorry for me. I do everything to impress people. I ignore people, and when they ask why, I get defensive.I'm so unnecessarily mean to people and I am very self-deprecating around other people which is probably just my way of getting compliments. I have friends but I don't want them. I used to be smart but I stopped caring. I used to tell people I was suicidal so they would care about me. None of this is what a nice person would do.
Everyone I meet on here tells me I'm strong and brave for reaching out but doesn't it just make me kinda weak? I can't deal with life on my own like anyone else, I have to have constant reassurance and support. I like that you say that it's because of strength that I'm still here because it's more out of laziness but I'll take it. It's quite ridiculous that I'm so lazy that I can't even kill myself. Your response is similar to Sarah's with the 'find positive things about yourself'. I struggled immensely with this. I came up with 'i can write good monologues','i can bake' and ' my hair is pretty cool' which is something. You call it an awful illness, but it feels like just a part of me. I can't remember a point where I wasn't depressed and I know it is an illness, it just doesn't feel like it. I'll try the positive thinking thing again tomorrow
Hi April, you mentioned a struggle finding positive things about yourself. All I will say here is give yourself time. Things I would take for granted other see as a positive. Similarily things that for me are normal. The part that I want to tell you is when I got homework from my psychologist for things to look forward to and gratitude journals, I initially had to search the web for answers because I could not think of any. And then when I did it myself it was not very pretty (and had to find the opposite word). My point is this....there are positives in you and sometimes hard to find. Does not mean they don't exist.
You mentioned in a previous post about being sensitive... some positives associated with this word - emotional awareness, empathy, creative, perceptive.
Everyone can find things they don’t like about themselves; nobody is perfect. I believe however you are falling into the same trap I have, and that has been to judge myself as if I was well and happy. Then doing schoolwork on time, going for a walk, showering every day and all the rest are just a standard part of life.
So if you manage to get out of bed in the morning after crying yourself to sleep that really is a victory. Showering when you can is one too. Doing you homework at all is a victory.
Thanking in term of when you are well simply sets you up for failure, and each one drives you down further. Victories, even tiny ones, do the opposite.
We can see you by realistic standards - so no, you are not horrible. You are simply a person in a hard place. And when you describe it we get to know what troubles you - it’s important, it is not complaining or winging. It also lets you know you are not alone.
You do care a lot what people think of you and are often hurt, small wonder your speech comes out defensive or sarcastic.
You do need attention, and if one way to try to get it is to say you are suicidal -so what? You still need the attention. Plus talking suicide is a danger flag in itself, irrespective of your current intentions.
Trying to interact with your parents like that until your next appointment is hard, do you think it will get anywhere?
You know, I’m sorry about the rain, I find it soothing on my tin roof, and if you have lost that it is a great pity Perhaps later on you will again enjoy it
Every day when I got to school, I think that it could be my last, that I could kill myself that night. I look at people and wonder how they would react if I were to kill myself. The popular guy who pulls his pants down for attention, the popular girl who I was friends with until I became annoying and depressed. The guy in the year below who glares at me or dramatically looks away every time he sees me.
Nothing is just a regular part of life anymore, everything is a huge effort. I sometimes have to force myself to breathe, even though the sound annoyed me. If i see everything as a victory, then I will feel like I'm achieving something, when really I'm doing the bare minimum for a person.
My psych called it an experiment so I think she just wants to know if my being nice will change their demeanour at all.
I wanted to ask you how your second day at school was today?
I don't think you are doing the bare minimum for a person, you care about others, you accept people (you welcomed me so kindly here, I feel accepted because you, thank you), you are kind and reflective. These are things that not many people do these days, you are doing more than minimum for a person in my opinion.
Sending you strength and virtual hug,