I want to ask for help
I have to say you have an accurate eye and way of summing school up, in fact it is an adult's viewpoint, which you have gained (or always had) even when those around you had still a long way to go. Being an adult at school is hard, you see all the juvenile uncivilized actions of those still with a long way to go.
No, you will never think of school as the happiest days of you life, that is utter rubbish. They are ahead of you, as they were for me.
What did I mean by a step? Getting to the point in your life where is enjoyable, satisfying and hopefully has love in it from where you are now is not something 'fixed' all in one go. Like you I went from bad conditon up, and did it in steps. You took one to come tere, anther to speak frankly here. Even going to the Happy memories thread was a sort of step. You have more to go and they all have common factor -you have a part to play in them all.
Getting professional help will be a step. It may seem very daunting and you may be apprehensive of the results, however it is needed - as I found. That's becuse you have to let the help in, and even if your parents get to know it is going to be better that your life now (Yes, I know, you can't bear the thought and given the incident over coming in to get the phone I don't blame you). Improvment (as opposed to everything being perfect) can be surprisingly quick.
I'll mention something. Like your story which you now cannot be certain happened, my place of refuge in my mind, which I write about here in the forum from time ot time, is made up of more than one place. It is not real in the sense you can get in a car and go there, but it is real in my mind and gives comfort -which is what it is supposed to do, so don't worry.
If phone calls terrify you use web-chat. It's OK, the only downfall if I used it is my typing:(
Croix( who can live with pink and purple)
It felt really nice, that someone is going through a similar situation as me, it made me feel less lonely, thanks April :). You are so right in saying it is life and death situation.
I was asked by the school coordinator to talk to the school counsellor, I started trusting the counsellor after a few meetings, but yesterday she broke my trust. She told everything that I told her to my parents. I don't know who to trust anymore, but typing my thoughts down in BB really helped me out and I can stay anonymous and I hope it helps you too. 🙂
Have you used Kids Helpline? it is pretty helpful. I use the webchat, I talk to this counsellor every Monday. I hope you try it if you haven't. I find talking on phones really weird and uncomfortable.
But again, I am very glad you have a teacher who you can trust and talk too.
Hi. that statement you made about the school being the best days of your life is something that said to me when I was at high school all those years ago. Looking back I know what the teacher might have been trying to say. At the same time I would also disagree with the those words. It was not my happiest time also.
I have been collecting inspirational quotes. The one though I like the most is...
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. - Confucius
I hope you might get something from it. I can see in your posts that you are trying very hard.
When I last posted I mentioned a list to you with 300+ activities in it. Did you have a proper look at that? How did it go. I will be seeing my psychologist tomorrow (and I have to select some things off the same list). Finally, how are things going with your parents?
Just saw your posts. I truly believe small steps are all that any of us can do - well done. I'm glad you had your friend pass on that message, that was quite smart.
My school was the same as yours so i believe you and understand. I also wandered if it it was everywhere else.
Thank you for sharing your sport class experience with us today, I think that you had a little breakthrough in reaching out for some help, trying to get the teacher whom you trusts attention and by also asking your friend to mention to him what happened. I think you are ready to talk to him about this? Do you think that is maybe what happened in sport, you reached your boiling point and that was you reaching out to him? I am wondering if he followed you up or if your friend said anything in the way of support to you?
I too want to put my 2 cents in about "school being the best years of your life"...umm that's a no from me! I look back on some pretty shocking times, as people find out who they are, who they want to be, why they are not like Bob or Mary, why am I so dumb, then the bullying and the feelings of being so alone..I could go on all day...the only way that they are the best days is because I didn't have a mortgage to pay or bills to pay.
Sophie_M mentioned to you the web chat for kids helpline and I will put it her again too:
It might be worth a go and you don't have to talk on the phone.
Hope you are doing ok today April.
It is nice to greet you here properly, I'm sure April is glad to see you here too. Finding you are not alone in your problems not only give some company, but hopefully lets you know it is not you, anything you have done or said, or dress, it is a basic serious problem in schools.
They are full of young people who have not matured, are not adult, and cling to each other in tribes or groups, a sort of basic instinct.
The true value of people, kindness, generosity, perception and so on has not as yet properly emerged, and sadly without good examples and some standards that can make the lives of others simply terrible.
Your counselor made a bad call, it covered her, but at your expense.
It may be your mother wants to protect you, then again it may be she does not trust you or can't be bothered dealing with problems and takes an easy way out. Then again simply the cost.
I know it is hard to judge a parent objectively, why do you think she limits what oyu can do and takes your phone? Does she realise she is making things harder for you now everything including others at school, are all phone-based?
I'm very glad you have that web-chat one a week, a sort of anchor to hold on to.
You are very welcome here anytime
You are so right, about the expectations, the standards and the hierarchy or the ladder of competition makes lives of others simply terrible.
My parents talk a lot about cultural difference, maybe that is a barrier. But it is really hard, like you said, to judge. We all have our stories, unique and truthful. Maybe their own life experiences contribute. I don't know. But I really wish we had a better relationship, I don't want my phone or anything that has a price, I just want to feel loved which is priceless. i want to be accepted. I don't know how much time people will bother to talk to me, i don't know why i am on earth, I don't know if i deserve to be accepted.
I feel a bit betrayed, I don't know who to trust and whether I will able to reach out for support again. But I know that I was told about confidentiality beforehand, so maybe it’s not fair that I feel this way about my school counsellor.
Thank you Croix for being so welcoming, I really appreciate it.
But how are you going? I hope you are doing well 🙂
April~ I hope you are doing OK, I would answer if you wrote - of course.
You have helped April, and you are asking after me (thank you) , that is the mark of a person with kindness inside, plus you have a genuine interest in others -it comes out in your posts. You are well worth any amount of trouble to feel well - "deserve" simply does not come into it.
"Why do I have to lose so much in this game,
While everyone else does not go through the same,"
They lose so much more. You are on the true path to adulthood and a worthy person, even though it takes a heavy toll at this time.
I do know there are cultural differences between normal civilized adults and children growing up at school as has been described in this thread (pretty typical actually). I've no idea if that is what your parents are talking about or a different sort of culture.
I went to 8 different schools in 3 different countries, only one was civilized.
Either way you are the one that bears the brunt of the differences, and it is not good for you, you need friendship, security and a place to study that encourages the things you are good at -your strengths.
Describing this to your parents yourself may be hard, they may listen, or they may brush it off as kid's fancies. Again I've no idea. Again if they were brought up in a different culture imagining this school might be terribly hard.
Perhaps being told by someone they might respect what life is like from your point of view, and relating how the school social mess works might help.
You did say you were warned of confidentiality by your counselor, this normal comes into play if there is a serious chance of harm to yourself or others. Under those circumstances telling your parents is justified, even if it breaks a confidence. (If your parents were confronted with the possibility of self harm then they would in all probability feel lost, as well as concern.)
Maybe this is something you can build on. I guess it depends on the counselor and her reasons. If interaction with your parents does not just stop at that one call, but continues outlining your problems do you think there is a chance your parents will become more realistic? Do you wish to talk this over with her?
This is too long a conversion for one post, please come back to me and say what you think